Tag Archives: Samuel L Jackson

The 2016 Thighsmans

we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2016

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Thirstweenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

Crap To The Future Award For Würstest Acting of The Year Award!!!

nick-kroll-back-to-the-future-ii

Nick Kroll 

in Loving

he somehow molded his character and acting style based on the ‘I think he stole his wallet‘ guy from Back To The Future II  – Lester!  WTF???

_

The 7th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK, You Are Not An Actress And Should Stop Pretending To Be One So Please Stop Being An Actress Now Award

go away

Olivia Munn

The OK, That Awkward Tuna-Salad Lips, Keeping Your Head Down, and Then Picking Your Head Up Thing That You Do In Every Movie Muss Be Stopped Forever Award

stop it 

Eddie Redmayne

no seriously, stop it with those dumb lips of yours
and that face thing you do

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

 

Danny Glover

who had EIGHT flix released in 2016!!

_ 

Gifs of the Gawds

doctor-strange

folding buildings in Doctor Strange!

(better than anything Chis Nolan can do!)

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Hairing Is Caring

ekhart-shave-foxctahcer

Aaron Eckhart and his partially Ruffalo-Foxcatchered  shaved forehead in Bleed For This!

runner up – his and Hank’s Sully staches!!!

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Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The 2016 Bobbies!

these bobbies are darin!

_ 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Emayatzy Corinealdi

Emayatzy Corinealdi miles

&

I bleed for Christine Evangelista

christine-evangelista-4

and you would too if you saw her in NSFW action

 

 

bisous for Ingrid Bisu

&

heaven and hot water
for this hot tamale!

mel-paps

&

the b-witch-ing Anya Taylor-Joy

anya-taylor-joy

&

Emily Beecham

Emily Beecham

&

Mon Mothma, before she was!!

&

Fast Times glamour shots

ca. August 1983 --- Actresses Jennifer Jason Leigh (front) and Phoebe Cates played the unforgettable roles of Stacy Hamilton and Linda Barrett, respectively, in the 1982 classic . --- Image by © Douglas Kirkland/CORBIS

&

leather boobs

grey sophie tuener

&

these headshots

hemsworth ghostbusters

 

the nottiest nottie of the year

ugly stoopid aline

whatever the fcuk this alien is.  WTF ARE YOU ???

+

them crazy fat crazy naked chicks in Nocturnal Animals that you should be happy I don’t have gifs for (yet)

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

palmer-eyes

 Teresa Palmer

 in Hacksaw Jim Duggan

runner up – Natasha Bassett 

Natasha Bassett eyes

in Fail Caesar!

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The Nosey Nose That Knowse Bestest!

aka Bestest Nose!

jenna coleman 3

 Jenna Coleman

 in Me Before You

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Würstest Date Movie/Snoozefest
of 2016

Snoozechester By The Snoozefest

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Best Boys On The Side Players

THIS GUY in Love & Friendship

&

THIS GUY who was a Star Wars extra

john chapman

 and tells his tales in the great Elstree 1976

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Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As Norman Bates

norman-bates-mailer

OMG – that La La Land soundtrack

20th Century Women‘s tunes!

‘Sabotage’ in Star Trek (which seemed so wrong in the trailer, but was so right in the movie!)

Keanu‘s love of George Michael

+

Toni Toni Toni’s daughter

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 traylor-tractor-gif

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

Max Steel /  Pete’s Dragon / Bad Moms / Midnight Special / Everybody Wants Some!! / No Pay, Nudity / The BFG

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

King Baggot

& Rags Ragland

& Chill Wills

_

Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

the best movie from some other year I saw this year

toynbee

Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure is STILL as amazing AS Amazing Larry is + tons of tidbits!!

amazing larry mario pee wee

Annelies van Overbeek

alfredo-jimmy-sewart

Martin Short’s wedding coordinator character from Father of The Bride – Franck – IS BASED OFF OF A REAL HUMAN BEING!!!

dr-pepper-halloween

when New York City’s in trouble – who you gonna call? Pat Kiernan!!!!!!!!!!!!!

edward-g-ten

So Tell Me Again, Why Did You Have To Die? Part VI

fosters taxi cdriver

seeing Purple Rain for the first time, with an audience that cars

money pit money

RICHARD SIMMONS (may have) PLAYED A FAT GUY IN FELLINI’S SATYRICON!!!!!!!!

freedie darth

woah – Officer Debbie Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook) from Police Academy sang the National Anthem at Super Bowl XVII!!!

the lerners

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Movies To Look For In The ‘017

 

Bossk To The Future – A Star Wars Story

Wild Breasts & Where To Find Them

The Detergent Series: PureX

Some Marvel Super Hero Movie
I Could Give 2 Fcuks About

Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s Ridge

Oscar Mike Golf

Bridget Jones’s Farts

Billy Lynn’s Short 20-Second Timeout Walk

16 Fast, 16 Furious

_

In Memoriam

gene yellow

hans gruber

duke oscar

garry happy days

gary coleman nancy

loggia

curtis-la

gaynes po0loice

kenny 2d

&

the man who said…

its a trap 

&

the guy that gave us this

_

don’t forget to peep out our  ’15’14, ’13, ’12, ’11’10’09’08’07’06’05’04’03, and ’02 awards!! 

how are you still reading this?  and how are you still a fan of this website??  WHO ARE YOU??!??!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

0 Comments

The 2014 Thighsmans

we somehow cobbled together the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2014

and now, for the only awards that matter…

hELlEVENth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

 

The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!!

(aka – somehow a movie with a naked ScarJo ScarBLOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

under-the-skin-trash-humpers

Under The Skin

dishonrable trash mentions that can hump my poo

Mockinglame Part 1 / Monuments Men / Chef

_

 

Cheesiest Fun Stinky Cheese
of The Year

jersey boys

the Jerseyness of Jersey Boys

_

 

Most Thighnamic Duo of The Year

ty muppet

Jean Pierre Napoleon (Ty Burrell) & Sam the Eagle

in Muppets Most Wanted

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The 5th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

sucks-muckfarlame

it goes without saying, but…

Sucks Muckfarlame

_

 

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
She Didn’t Like
Girl of The Year

 samuel-l-wendy

Wendi McLendon-Covey

who had 8 flix released in 2014!!

_ 

Gifs of the Gawds

jodo

step up ani4

jennifer lawrence red carpet fail

quicksilver

_

Hairing Is Caring

ruff beard

ruffalo beard foxcatcher

whatever was going on with Mark Ruffalo’s balding and bearding in Foxcatcher

_

Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The Bobbies!

pat guthrie

girls in the bobbedhood!

_

 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

waterston vice

Katherine Waterston is our vice [NSFW]

 

this poster/Eva Green’s boobs

eva green poster sin city

+

Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s super hot son Jack

jackkilmer2

_

 

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Scariest Eyes

creepy jake nightcrawler

Jake Gynnhahhanahalllahal!!!!

 in Nightcrawler

_

 

Word I Still Can’t Pronounce

awkward

Maleficent

_

 

Face Timeless

this dude

from Under The Skin

 _

 

Juss Josh Baskin’ In These Sunny Miscellaneous Missile Missives That Are Da Bomb Shiz!

baskin 2

the only bitched @ swirth that matters, AGAIN!!!!!!!

bttf siblings pic

ALT BTTF MCFLY SIBLING PICS!!

NAMEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The lady in the Columbia Pictures logo!!!!!!!!!

this guy painted these!!

36 Actors Hanging Out With Their Body Doubles

a more cartoony Snow White

oscar c3po

Celluloid Paper Dolls

that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho

meeting the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

Ryan Gage’s Hobbit unibrow

Problem Children reunion

Goonies Never Stay Dead

Albert Finney shaves 2 become Daddy Warbucks

on the set & behind the scenes with Vivian Kubrick

Paul becoming Pee Wee

and Paging Mr Herman

DICK POOP!!!!!!!!

+

a spoiler on a spoiler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

darth vader spolier

_

 

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As A Normal Mailman

Norman Mailer Mailman

‘Big Eyes’ from the movie of the same name

The Double soundtrack

the theme from Interstellar

+

(more like MINUS)

the song that makes me wish I didn’t have ears

‘Hanging Tree’

 

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 Robert 'Tractor' Traylor movie

_

 

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

Posters2014 

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

fiston

The Nut Job / Fiston / How to Train Your Dragon 2 / Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie / Get On Up / Step Up: All In / Bang Bang!

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Fenella Woolgar

Chubby Johnson 

& Jet Jurgensmeyer 

& Gyp Decarlo 

& Googie Withers

_

 

Movies To Look For In The ‘015

fault czars

The Fault In Our Czars

 The Bok Choy Luck Club

14 Years A Slave

14 Fast, 14 Furious

_

 

In Memoriam

 

ROBIN FCUKING WILLIAMS :(

mcdonalds robin williams

+

Taylor Negrone & Rod Taylor & La Dolce Vita fountainhead

Bacall

Luise Rainer & Ed Herrmann

Welcome to Jurassic Park

Elizabeth Peña

Mike Nichols

Bob Hoskins

hoskins 247

the 7-Up guy

Maya & Giger & Gordon Willis

Tuco & Ruby Dee & Paul Mazursky & the dude from Raiders with the scimitar

Kiel!! Kiel!!! Kiel!!!!

+

jan hooks gum

Jan

&

Dim

dim milk clockwork karova

& 

THE ANCIENT BOOER!!!!

boooooooo

_

 

don’t forget to peep out our ’13, ’12, ’11’10’09’08’07’06’05’04’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

0 Comments

May This Force Be With You

Kingsman: The Secret Service
Posh Spicy
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 128 min

My litmus test of dumb-fun movies goes like this – is the movie in question as dumb and as fun as the amazingly dumb-fun Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle is/was?

Last up for the test – Lucy, which passed with flying colors, and dumb-funness!!!

Next up for the test – Kingsman: The Secret Service.  result?  PASS WITH BRITISH FLYING COLORS!!!!!!

kingsman

Colin Firth is mad game.  So is Michael Caine (although he wasn’t really needed) and Mark Strong too (being subdued for once), and even Samuel L Jackson (who adds a lisp to his usual one note acting – WHAT A STRETCH!!!), and so is newcomer Taron Egerton (guess they couldn’t get Jack O’Connell)  

You should be game for it too!  It’s like dumb James Bond, but fun!! It’s like a dumber-funner Layer Cake, a less dumb/more fun Kick-Ass, and a less awesome/more actioned X-Men: First Class.  What do those last 3 flicks have in common?  They came from the British king of dumb-fun – Matthew Vaughn (who took over that role from Guy Ritchie)

But the REAL reason you should see this movie?  Mark Hamill is in it, and while he’s not particularly amazing in it, or even all that memorable (he mainly juss makes a bunch of grunting faces), he is in this movie, and when’s the last time you saw Mark Hamill and his face in ANY movie, on the big screen? 2001’s Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back??  Some things are best left unseen and unsaid

hamill kingsman

Well, Mark will walk skies again this winter as Luke Skywalker, and whether the new Star Wars is simply passable, good enough OR amazing (please lord, we need this to be amazing), you may not be ready to see him again, but you need to be ready

kings hamill

It’s been so long since he’s been on the big screen, and that you and/or I have cared to see him on a big screen, and it is in your best interest to see him on the big screen ONE time before Star Wars drops.  You need to refamiliarize yo’self with his face and acting.  You want the shock and awww shucks to happen now, and not when you’re trying to take in the new Star Wars, while trying not to jizz in yer pants(/get to be disappointed all over again:)

hamill kings

Kingsman – so much dumb fun, and hispecially some Mark Hamill.  Welcome back Mark!!!  The big screen misses you.  We all missed you!!!  And now we’re ready for you to be a force to reckon with, again 

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Kingsman firths it up today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The 2012 Thighsmans

picked the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2012

and now, for the only awards that matter…

9thishendith Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

 

The Death To Smoochy Würstest Picture AND The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Holy French Gar-bagé Film of the Year!!!!!

Smoochy Holy Motos

Holy Motors Shit

dishonrable mentions for also sucking a$$…

Hunger Lames & Hitchsucks

_

 

Favoriteisteest Performance
of The Year
Barr None

Tara Lynne Barr

Tara Lynne Barr

in the not so great God Bless America

_

 

The 3rd Annual
Greta Grrr Wig
Recipient of The OK
This Joke/Career
Muss Be Stopped Now Award

ODowd Grrr Wig

Chris O’Dowd

we get it, you’re Irish, bearded, and loud, now go away

_

 

Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Quvenzhané Wallis / The Impossible trio –  Tom Holland, Oaklee Pendergast Samuel Joslin / David Rauchenberger /  Max Charles / Ella Purnell / Gulliver McGrath / Shannon Beer / Thomas Doret / Brady Hender and Nick Nervies (above) /  Judd Apatow’s kids

_

 

The Samuel L Jackson Never Met A Script He Didn’t Like Guy of The Year

 Cranston-Windu

Bryan Cranston

who had 7 flix released in 2012!!

_

 

Comeback of The Year

that wasn’t Rodriguez

WB-Logo

The 1972 Warner Bros logo as seen in Argo and Magic Mike

_

 

Facial Hair That Cares

spader-lincoln

tie  

Rory Cochrane in Argo

& James Spader in Lincoln 

bonus shout-out to
Marcel Herrand in 1945’s Les Enfants du Paradis

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Würstest Hitchcock
Impersonation/Make-Up Job
That Was More Like
A TV’s Batman Penguin
Impersonation/Embarrassment

HitchcockPenguin

Anthony Hopkins ‘as’ Hitchcock in Hitchsucks

_

 

Würstest Baseball Play-By-Play Call
By A Former Member of ‘N Sync

Justin Timberlake
in Trouble With The Play-By-Play

_

 

Bob’s Big Girls – The Bobbies!

bae doona bob

Bae Donna as Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas 
+7 other winners
!

_

 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman = WOWWWWWW

Ali Cobrin showing off her American boobs in American Reunion [NSFW]

the Skyfall Bond Girls

that kid from Project X was in nerd porn [NSFW]

Marion Cotillard is rusty, but she bones without 2 legs [NSFW]

the hunt for naked Helen Hunt never ends!!! [NSFW]

Paperwoman

+

Apron We Wish Was
More Like AprOFF!!

dreama-apron

Dreama Walker in an apron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with nothing else in Compliance

_

 

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

eyes amanda s

Amanda Seyfried in Lez Snooze

_

 

Heathcote Most Worth Bellaing

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s

Bella Heathcote

in Dark Shadows and Not Fade Away

_

The LAC Daddy Mommy

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s
or Bella Heathcote’s 

Lauren Ashley Carter in Premium Rush

_

 

Face Timeless

Tim McMullan’s face in The Woman In Black

 _

Miscecallous Things That Either Stepped Up or Stepped Down More Than Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows Did In Step-Up 99999-D 

everything about The Tin Drum

those Robot & Frank VGC-60L posters

remembering the forgotten McDonalds scenes
in the original Red Dawn

Bradley Cooper as a student asked Robert DeNiro a question on Inside The Actor’s Studio

The Ancient Booer is still alive!!!!!

trying to figure out what ‘Wuthering’ means

Bob Marley’s dad was a white dude

our Prometheus review

that poor kid with the fish lips

I keep forgetting that Crispin Glover didn’t play George McFly in Back to the Future II and III

and wait, Michael Keaton was originally in Purple Rose of Cairo??

farting and hand jobs do not need to be seen
in 70mm or even 1mm

jury’s still out on 48fps

an athletic center grows in a former movie palace in Brooklyn

goodbye Lucas, hello better new Star Wars

Warhol of Fame

Javier Dean Bardem Morgan

the American dumphole palace to end all dumphole palaces can be yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DB Sweeney retweeted our DB Sweeney tweet!!!!!

_

Songs That Execute Butter Than Norman Mailer’s Bong Hobbit Pipe

norman-mailer-hobbit

anything by Rodriguez

Ici LondresandQui Aimes-tu?by Chiara Mastroianni & Paul Schneider in Beloved (Les Bien Aimés)

Skyfall by Adele

Les Surfs – ‘Tú serás mi baby (Be My baby)’ from Tabu

anything sung by Katpoop Everdeen

the theme from Django and Django Unchained

Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’ in Rust & Bone

Beasts of the Southern Wild soundtrack

The Cloud Atlas sextet

and my fav of the year…

Let My Baby Ride‘ in Holy Motors

and the würst

‘Señor Don Gato’ by Hani Furstenberg in The Loneliest Planet
(be thankful I can’t find a clip of it)

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor we are going back to naming our trailer award after him!)

 robert traylor

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

2012-Movie-Posters

2012-Movie-Posters_wide

 

+

 

& the würst

& the würrstetst

& twinsies würsteresteserteestsers!!!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

black hole

The Devil Inside / Joyful Noise / Coriolanus / The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel / Rust and Bone /The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure / Frankenweenie / Here Comes the Boom / Fun Size / The Man with the Iron Fists / Jack Reacher

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Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award

(not limited to actors)

fenella

Wilfred Pickles / Pumpsie Green / Gonnie Baars / Bibhutibhushan Bandyopadhyay / Scoot McPoop / Billy Butts / Barend Barendse / Hella Kürty / Sky Low Low / Chill Wills / Cutter Dykstra / Poodles Hanneford / Tuffy Genders / Mimis Fotopoulos / Kittens Reichert / Toon Kortooms / Sal Pacino 

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘013

Mexican remake of DC Cab 

Jiro Dreams of Dreama Walker

Project XI

Abraham Lincoln: Holly Hunter

12 Fast, 12 Furious

_

In Memoriam

Vampire Baseball

+

Tony Scott & BorgNINEever & Ralph McQuarrie & Enduring Durning & Andy G & Dick D-AWESOME & Ben Gazzarra

+ 

Scary German Guy

 

don’t forget to peep out our ’11’10’09’08’07’06’05’04’03, and ’02 awards!! 

movies are amazing, and so are you 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

3 Comments

Song of The Southsploitation

Django Unchained
Funslinger
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 165 min

django_unchained

For 9 hours of Quentin Tarantino‘s 9.75 houred Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino hands in the most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie Quentin Tarantino has ever made.  That is a MOST excellent thing.  Then, in that last 45 minutes, Quentin Tarantino fills his most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie with the typical Quentin Tarantino shoot-em up garbage you’d expect Quentin Tarantino to stuff into a Quentin Tarantino movie – guns are fired & blood splatters, endlessly AND ENDLESSLY AND EVEN MORE ENDLESSLLLLLLLLLY.  You know it’s all too much too muchedness when Quentin Tarantino himself appears in the last 45 minutes as a bad actor with an awful Australian accent.  Quentin Tarantino, why did you have to add so much so muchedness at the end of your un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie that was going so well???  WHY?????

Yeah, but that first 77 hours is so much unchained fun and amusement that it almost makes up for the endless end!  ALMOST!!!!  For them 1278772 beginning hours, you basically get to hear Christoph Waltz not be a Nazi and talk 9ever and help Jamie Foxx find his way, and hopefully his wife (Kerry Washington).  They criss-cross the country, hunting bounties, and then land in Candyland, a plantation owned by a super angry Leonardo DiCaprio, who does the same accent he does in every movie that sorta requires an accent, which is kinda the würst accent (it’s like he’s trying tooooo hard), and yet, DiCaprio is kinda the best in this movie.  Actually, everyone’s the best.  Even Samuel L Jackson as an evil Uncle Ben house slave is the best!  And Samuel L hasn’t been the best in ages.  And the cameos, oh the cameos, from the kid from Breaking Away to the original Django to Luke Duke to The Tamblyns to Tom Savini to… a zillion others… although we weren’t really impressed by Don Johnson’s Col Sanders and his blathering blatherskites

But that last 45 minutes.  Bang, bang, bang, bang.  Blood. Splatter. Pause.  Repeat.  Zzzzz.  We get it Quentin Tarantino, but we didn’t have to have it.  Did we?

Btw, this movie is not as shocking as people are making it out to be/wanting it to be, when it comes to that racy race stuff.  The N word is the N word.  Big wup.  I don’t say that word and don’t care to hear it, but I don’t get shocked by hearing it 231812831238 times.  If you want to be shocked about how fcuked up racy race shiz is/was then rent Spike Lee’s Bamboozled

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chain Her Up, In A Sexual Way, Not A Racist Way!!!:

Nichole Galicia

apparently her old name was Nichole Robinson

Django Unchained is UNCHAINED at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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