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The Welles Report

Orson Welles had one of the greatest voices to have ever been recorded on planet earth.  it worked wonders in radio, TV and cinema, and even later in his life, when he needed extra money, and would lend his pipes to anything and everything.  and what’s so wrong with that???

I’m sure you’ve heard the outtakes from his ad for frozen peas, right????? (please tell me you have.  it’s one of the greatestestetestsstttt things mt EVERest)

well, there were plenty of other ads, which probably all had cringe-worthy outtakes, but these finished takes are all an aural thing of beauty…

I mean, with that voice – he could sell horse piss to a horse without a mouth!

I mean, I could listen to him say ‘Copenhagen’ ALL DAY

I didn’t need to be sold on Dark Tower, the greatest board game ever created, but I’d take a sword for him after hearing his pitch!!!

Orson, please save the world instead of scaring us about its impending doom!!!

Nashua!!!  wish the company was called Nashua’s Joshua.  would’ve love to hear him say that!!!

smoking added a touch of class, well, at least back then

the part where he says ‘par excellence’ words gets me weak in the knees

Orson’s voice is an oasis, and so is whatever that cloak he’s wearing

hello, let me take 10 seconds to light this thing!  btw – love that it always looks like he’s talking to the audience, but he’s basically juss talking to himself

he should make that woman’s bandana disappear

if it’s not HBO, apparently it’s slutty cable TV.  sit back and enjoy!!!

not sure if he’s actually hot, out of breath, out of money or all 3

I bet he thinks this camera’s a real piece of sh$t

and now you are entering the Paul Masson section of this post…

if Orson has wine farts, and yer standing behind him, you’d be gone with the wind

somethings can’t be rushed – including Orson Welles

here’s an outtake from the same spot – NO GREASED BOTTLES!!!

if only the ‘Chablis’ was from Copenhagen!!

same jacket as above?  but with one of Peter Bogdanovich’s ascot/neck scarf thingies??

wait, why does this one have more voice-over to it, than him juss talking to the camera

oh, that’s why – he’s fcuking drunk as a skunk!!!

bless this man.  wish I was that other hand in the photo

paul masson orson welles

he looks like he’s either ready to leave, fart, or upset that you’re not paying for the bill, or all 3

orson paul masson

omg! omg! omg!!

HE DID THE VO FOR THE REVENGE OF THE NERDS TRAILER!!!!!!!!!!

and this MIGHT(???????????????????????) be him talking about STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

anywho, Orson was the best.  who cares if he was squandering his talent by making his pocketbook bigger and stomach bigger by doing ads?

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Thighs Wide Telly 2015

boob tube groove tube tube tube loob… aka, here’s the best in TV, 2015

1. Restaurant Startup (CNBC)

restaurant starup faces

It’s like Shark Tank, but less annoying, and more evil, and more awesome, and food!!!!!!!!!!!!  Show was so fcuking good that I refused to watch the last episode of the 2nd season until about 3 months later, cause I couldn’t deal with the fact that season was over and that there were no new episodes to watch.  My new biggest fear in life is being insulted and yelled at by Tim Love and Joe Bastianich

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2. The Jinx (HBO)

blinx

More like the BLINX, amirite???!!!  What’s truly amazing is that the director of this HBO docuseries actually made a fictionalized version of this story and it kinda wasn’t that interesting, and so he takes it and makes a longform doc out of it and it not only shocks and freaks out a (pay cable) nation, but actually does real life truth, justice – the American way!!! 

– 

3. The Knick (Cinemax)

the knick

Granite – I only saw season 1 (which was from 2014), but this is the single greatest thing Cinemax has ever given the world.  Yes, even more betterer than soft-core porn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I want to live in the Knick world, even though it looks like the wurstest world eversz

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4. Arranged (FYI)

arranged

Arranged marriages apparently still exist – and not just for Indian couples.  FYI strikes love gold again (after Married At First Sight – our pick for best show of 2014) – following three couples in newly arranged marriages.  Yes, one of the couples is Indian, but the other Southern, and the other other Gypsy pups under 20 years of age!  You won’t get a better slice of American life than this.  And oh boy, that Gypsy couple – Christian and Maria – AND his parents – Michael and Nina – are simply the BEST BEST BEST BEST.  I pray for a spinoff for the Gypsy clan.  PLEASSSSSSSSSSSE!

5. Hanninbal (NBC)

smell hannibal

It’s either AS amazing as Silence of the Lambs the movie was or perhaps even better.  I mean, you saw that scene where they saw that dude’s head, right??? And that series finale ending, WHAT A CLIFFHANGER!!!

6. Gotham (Fox)

gotham joke

The world of Batman cannot be confined to the limits of cinema – and it has flourished in the longform of television with Gotham, which got even stronger in season 2.  The bad guys are even badder, and whoever’s casting these kids in these roles should be given the key to the city of Gotham, and have a street named after them, and stuff!!!  OMG, don’t even get me started on how super dope fly Silver St. Cloud is (and how way too young the actress who plays her is)

7. Behind The Screams (Reelz)

behiond the screma

I love movies.  I love serial killers (learning about them, not them themselves) and real-life scary sh!t.  I LOVE movies about serial killers and real life scary sh!t.  Reelz made a show that looks at the real-life stories that inspired big time scary movies – like Psycho, The Exorcist, It, and Silence of the Lambs, to name a few.  Sometimes the movies are tamer than the real life stuff!!!!!!!


8. Halt and Catch Fire (AMC)

halt catch

CTRL + ALT + DEL-ICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+ anything starring Lee Pace is beyond watchable

Especially <3 Kerry Bishé!!!

kerry bishe

9. Kendra On Top (WE tv)

kendra on top

You’d think a reality show about an ex-Playboy bunny and ex-NFLer couple with martial strife wouldn’t be something deep and meaningful, but you’re thinking would completely wrong.  Kendra On Top is all about family, and the roses and warts that comes along with it.  I’ve been with Kendra since the Girls Next Door days, and what was once fun fluff, is now fun tough stuff

10. The Americans (FX)

the americans

Those wigs + Keri Russell’s butt = RED SCARES AND APPOINTING SPEWING!!!!!!!!!

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11. The Last Man Earth (Fox)

last man on earth gif

last man on earth

What would you do if you were the last man on earth?  And what would Will Forte do if he was the last man on earth?  Luckily this show answers the second question, WITH ENDLESS HILARITY AND GUT-PUNCHING CRINCHING GRINNING!!!

(this ranking is for season 1 only, as 2 aint as novel and hilarious and imaginative as season 1 is/was)

12. Real World: Skeletons (MTV)

#gavage #therealworld #skeletons #gavage

A video posted by Thigh Master (@thighmaster) on

Somehow Real World won’t quit, and as humanity gets worse, so do the Real World roomies, which juss makes it all that much more entertaining.  PLUS, there was a great script flip here – skeletons from these people’s past come to live with the housemates, with often and VERY often horrible results!!! PLUS, the girl from New York’s accent, and how she says ‘garbage’ – ‘GAVAGE’

other solid forms of entertainments: 

Mad Men – can’t believe they didn’t divide the final season and air it over 5 years (instead of 2).  was actually sad to see it go, even though it felt like it was getting meh towards the end, but it really wasn’t meh at all

Married At First Sight: The First Year – the more Doug and Jamie and Courtney and Jason in my life, the better

Married At First Sight 2 – didn’t work out for our new set of couples, but it worked out entertainmentwise

Veep – Jonah and Richard = endless gold

Finding Carter – teens make dumb choices, and I can’t stop watching, but I hope teens aren’t watching 

Drunk History – hopefully there will NEVER be a last call on these

Supergirl – screw all the other super heroes.  I mean, I want to screw Supergirl.  bonus pts for making her stepmom Helen Slater and her stepdad Dean Cain!!!

Tyrant – I want this guy to dictate me

Bates Motel – things get more uncomfortable and more out of control.  it’s only a matter of time before Norman does in his mother and becomes her

Fargo  – the accents are getting old, the action aint

A Very Barry Branson – long live Greg Brady and his enthusiasm and cheesiness.  never stop being you!

Homeland – Miranda Otto = hotttt-o

Modern Family – the kids are getting older, and more sexual.  it’s both unsettling, and HOTTT

House of Cardsthis guy juss looks like such a jackass

The Affair – caught season 1.  so steamy I had to take 23949249 cold showers, and beat off in the cold showers

Louie – Civil War hero

Vice – I prefer the US stories, like the one about Alabama and their dumb racism backfiring 

Black-ish – growing less and less funny, but still worth a watch

Fresh Off The Boat – it’s more yellow than blackish, and better

Shameless – when will it end?  please let it end.  it’s too hard to bear anymore

Better Call Saul – only saw a few episodes, which I loved, and when I wanted to watch the rest – they were off of on-demand.  bastards!!!

Younger – an impossible premise, but I couldn’t care less, cause it’s so dang enjoyable

Game of Thrones – I don’t really care, but juss wanna be like everyone else, and know what everyone else is talking about

Mistresses – so bad it’s… bad!

Maron – losing its funny, but not me as a watcher

The Grinder – who doesn’t love seeing Fred Savage back on a television!!!???!?!

Under The Dome – thank gawd it’s over.  it jumped more sharks that Lost ever did, and actually makes Lost‘s endgame look less lost

Girls – still sucks, but thanks for Kylo Ren!

+ bone-yes moments

that True Detective eyes wide sluts orgy

improve1

remember Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future????????

LORNE GREENE dm2

The faces behind the Peanuts voices

the existence of MeTV, and how it gave me the will to live and love The Brady Bunch again

beyond groovy #TheBradyBunch

A video posted by Thigh Master (@thighmaster) on

the theme from The Jinx

Supergirl is supercute

supergirl show

Berle & Batman

bates motel look

I went on TV on opening day and basically Nostradamusly said the Nats would fail

small wonder

Addams Family Hopefuls – Photos From The Auditions

saying so long to the lusty slutty naughty Flowers In The Attic Lifetime movies

slutty

The Monty Hall Smokin-Stokin’ Fire Brigade

spelling pinball aaron

that fat redheaded kid on True Detective

any Hallmark Christmas movie starring Alicia Witt

the surprisingly seriousness of A Deadly Adoption

Tony Kornheiser on The Americans!!!!

Kev’s brother on Derek (another winning show from Ricky G)

Knitters With Attitude!!!!

Shaq and his Shaquila (Shaq Tequila) from Fresh Off The Boat

shaquila

and

SNL40: In Memoriam

my favorite TV performance of 2015…

anyone who pretended to be an actor on an 90s sitcom OR something by Aaron Spelling

dan as spelling

fake saget

&

a fond farewell to those who boldly went where no man or woman or character has gone before.  you will be missed

spock i am not2

&

dick van dogs

&

roscoe p

&

macnee
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

&

jim perry

&

al happy days

&

don vito

&

pugsley

&

clampett

&

L.A. Law

&

gene gene dancing machine

&

adiós Don Francisco‘s Sábado Gigante

don francisco

Bob Schieffer faced the nation one final time

Jon Stewart says goodnight to The Daily Show

Willard Scott leaves Your Neck of The Woods

&

Dave Letterman goes out with a letter A, man

number 3

&

log lady 2

– 

perv-iously ’14 ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

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Secret Asian Man

Peace The Forks Out

to

The Face of Leather

gunnar leatherface

leatherface

+

Maureen O’Hara

maureen_ohara

maureen o hara

+

The Finest Game Show Host Ever – Jim Perry

jim perry

jim sale of century 

jim card
jim sharks

+

Big Al Delvecchio

al days happy

al happy days

+

He Made TV Mobiles

batmobile

munster mobile

+

the guy who wrote

Rodham

SHE WROTE E.T. – THANK YOU!!!!!

Allen Toussaint

Yo! MTV Raps creator

JanSporter

LOVE HIM DO!!!

he lit fires to chariots

the dude that gave us theseus!!

ghosbusters logo

lampoon kill this dog

that Indian actor guy!

Philthy Animal

he found a Gateway

Flip Saunders

he was Henry the VIII (who hasn’t?)

he won 4 Stanley Cups

two Olympic golds in 800-meter eventer

he went to two Super Bowls

Fred Thompson

Fred Thompson

former president of South Korea

fifth president of Israel

greatest scout of all time

Cary Grant ‘wife’

he was mad Fly

he netted Maris for the Yanks

Legendary San Fran stripper

some artist

some basketball coach

Don Vito

don vito

Cap’n Mitch

‘Fast Eddie’ Hoh

he had one life to live

IBM’s mainframe main dude

Britain’s most famous brothel keeper

(Bartles &) Jaymes

jaymes bartles

some folk singer

Hobby’s Deli guy

Mars Bar dude

HE MIXED THE SOUND OF STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!

he was Brave

Deadwood guy dead as wood

a Jew who’s twin was a Nazi!!!

skateboarding dog

&

Details Magazine

many covers of which, lived on my teenage wall

which also gave us the scariest photo I’ve ever seen

&

The Betamax format

betmax ad

betmax shining

betamax

beta hifi

betmax colors

and

Peace The Forks out to all those people in Paris, and all the people who aren’t famous around the world who have died.  we’re thinking of you :(

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