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we way no longer Hungray, and totally Czeched out of Krtekland, and it was off to our final destination in our European holiday…


first thing first, Vienna is actually named Wien, as in hot dog Wieners

smëlls lïkë üp dög

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or as in Wienerschnitzel (the city is HOME to it, duh)


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but not as in Tafelspitz or Mark Spitz


wonder if they have an AM radio station called 1010 Wiens.  anywho, Wien is in Austria, which shouldn’t be confused with Australia

Auf Wiedersehen Europe. until we Wiedërsehen again!!!

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and it never would, with such an awesome language in use like German!

wë hävë ärrivëd ïn Äüstria. Gööötën Mörgän Fäïrchïld #winning

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although ‘Gloria’ is a beautiful song in ANY language

GLÖRIA!!!!! #ZDFKultur

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but not sure what Chuck sauce is like in any language

Chück yöü

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but pizza in every language is ‘pizza’ (although we didn’t have pizza in Europe, cause why would we??)

I want this tattööed on meine ëÿës MEINEVER!!!

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cause when in Wien, do as the Wieners do – #Wienning

I'm shocked Herr Wöödy never made un film about Tafelspitz and giant wooden spoons

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and talk to random German and Swiss dudes

and kiss yer wife, cause you can’t stand how beautiful she is

and pick on someone not your own size

pïckïng üp gööd vïbrätïöns

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and be like The Third Man and ride that ye olde Ferris Wheel

this wiener riesëns mad rad yo!

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and know nose where to find one of your favorite painter’s work!  BLESS YOU GIUSEPPE ARCIMBOLDO!!!!!!!!

zumtimes I wish I had un pickle for ä schnauze too. bless yoü #Arcimboldo

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now Wien doesn’t have Eastern European charm like Hungary and Czech Repub do, but Austria never had to deal with all that standing in line for bread and sharing stuff.  it remained a cosmopolitan place, for centuries, and remains so

vienna street

where they have palatial palaces!!!


with selfie points – how modern!

selfie point

round we go!


too even more schmancy cafés!

hööráy 4 cáfës!

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and schmancy chocolatiers!


and to one of the most unique structures I’ve ever seen – KunstHausWien – a museum created by the artist himself – Friedensreich Hundertwasser!!!!!!!!!

Hundertwasser in dä haus, bringing dä fünk

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tiley smilerus!

kunst haus

even the bathrooms are funky fresh!

kunst bathroom

and he also designed other buildings that aren’t his own museumz!!!

 wasser 3

like the Hundertwasserhaus

wasser 2

it’s like a Smurf village for humans!!

wasser 1

but everything we did wasn’t juss fatrsy artsy culture stuff

of course we hit up grocery stores to see what was a brewin’

tiroler alm

although we actually did try this – Almdudler –  which is basically Austrian ginger ale – and once bitten, forever smitten


and apparently gefilte aint just for fishes.  it’s a thing, but I guess they go with the less Jewish ‘gefüllte’ which translates to ‘stuffed’.  but however it’s spelled, I’m g’scared of anything gefilted/gefüllted


then it was off to check out the famous Naschmarkt 

where there’s kraut by the barrel!!!


oh, you think we forgot to go to McDonalds, and McLook at their McMenü?


or miss seeing the Doc Brown Opera – 88 Meilen pro Stunde????

austrian doc brown

so long Austria, and Europe – never lose that old world Epcot charm, or the MUSTaches

horst lichter


Reality Czech

we were stuffed and no longer Hungray, then decided to Czech out…


the city is actually called Praha, but is somehow called Prague.  never quite understood why we change the names of places that already have a name, but I didn’t invent English, and am happy that most people in big cities around the globe speak English, so I no complainsz.  also makes ordering McDonalds much easier

yep, McDonalds.  me and the wife broke down and had to try their fried cheese balls.  and Burger King’s too!!!  AND THEY WERE ha-mazing.  not sure why these aren’t sold in America(/Philadelphia), considering we love cheese AND fried things!!!

#ČzechingOut all the local cheese ball delicacies

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in the same mall eatery there was a place that grabbed our attention

la finger food

but the finger food didn’t grab out appetite

finger food 2

so American that Bay Watch plate!!!  (it’s about $4)

finger food 3

sadly Czech people don’t speak and spell like Hungarians, so no szósz here :(

szó many szószes, szó little time #PriceČzechOnAisle5

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but they do have their own fun-named foods


and strange candy that isn’t really all that strange

candy everyone wants

and unbelievably beautiful and tasty breads

this bread is ŠOOOO šo tasty, and only costs 15¢

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and some sort of cheese bread thing!!!

chees bread thing

and meats meats meats!!! like this meat platter at the lovely Café Savoy!

savoy meat plate

and four of the best things I ate on my trip (AND IN LIFE!!!!) were from Prague…

cabbage pancakes from Mlejnice!!

cabbage pancakes are the new any other kind of pancakes!!! #ČzechPlease

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steak tartare on toast!!!

steak tartare bread

+ wide noodles in mushroom sauce, both from Vinohradský parlament!!!

wide noodles

and this hamburger from Naše maso.  OMG!!! who knew non-Americans could take us to burger heaven???!!!


there was also PLENTY of beer done dranken!!!!

but we did pass on the plastic 2 liter bottle of beer

2l beer

and we didn’t try this, cause we’d be f$%king ourselves by doing so

claššy drinkš

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ok, ok, enuff with the food and drink stuffs already, and on with the seeing stuffs!

like the crazy gothic castle on the hill!!

castle prague

where the reverse view is equally as majestic

prague castle hill view

anywho – on top of the castle hill – there’s crazy beautiful church!

(p)raise the roof part II

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and the lanes are golden!

golden lane

and so are the palaces!

palace prague

hey look, I’m an annoying tourist!


back on the other side, in the old town, there’s plenty else to see

like a bunch of old synagogues, which are now mainly museums

(p)raise the roof

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since tons of Jews left Europe, if they were lucky

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and their main town square is the stuff dreams are made of


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and architecture that runs the gamut of now and zen


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another purty café!

Art Decoveau

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even the subway was stylin’!!

čonnecting the dotš…

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and so be their shoe stores!!

need me all of these @botas66 shoes. send money, or a Čzech in the mail. OK thanks!

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and this arcade mall place!!!

downside up

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and even their movie posters are cool cause they’re not in English!

some kinds of wonderful

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where inspiration can be found for one and all, right Wes?

goodbye Prague/Praha. you were grand, but it's time to #ČzechOut :( #TheGrandBudapestHotel

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and we made new friends…

like graphic designer Pavel!!

who designed this amazing poster that hangs in my abode!!!!!!!!


and a cartoony creature that now rivals Chip n’ Dale for our hearts…


Krtek / Krteček!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


ok, we done here, Czech please!

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I’m Going Hungary

me and Thighs Wife went to Budapest/Prague/Vienna for New Years thyme.  guess what?  it was great, and you should go too, just prepare not to eat many vegetables, or see people drink water.  They seem to only drink beer or really strong coffee, but if you’ve been to Europe, you know this.  anywho, gonna break the adventure up by city, into 3 separate posts, so up first is…


Everything about Budapest is steeped in the past – either from the monuments they erected in their millennial anniversary of 1896, or during the times of Nazi occupation, followed by the drab architecture of red Communism – and the look and feel of the city shows all this wear and tear.  While they do have Starbucks, this place retains a certain iron-curtained charm that the world now gets to peek behind

TRAINed eye #BudaBest

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the city is split into two by the river Danube – the hilly Buda to the west and the flat Pest to the east.  if you go, stay in Buda, and stay at the Hilton in the Castle District.  you’ll wake up to the best view ever.  EVERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

wish I could wake up to this view every morning

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and yer literally in a castle or castle district or something!

buda castle

and it’s amazing, day or night


and they have statues with giant awesome szósz mustaches

szoz mustaches

what’s ‘awesome szósz’?  it’s awesome sauce, but since the word for sauce in Hungarian is ‘szósz’ – it’s awesome szósz.  got it?

last night in #BudaBest and already starting to miss the greatest word ever – #szósz #awesomeSZÓSZ

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btw – if you want to get to know a culture, seeing art and buildings is a good start, but so is visiting a super market.  in Hungary, since all ‘s’es have a ‘z’ after em, it’s called a szupermarket.  also – anything that has a ‘z’ in it, is followed by an ‘s’.  confuszing.  iszn’t it?

I think America could learn a thing or two on how to betterer name their cat food products #BudaBest

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but they muss import their pizzas, otherwise this would be called ‘Pizszsa Guszeppe’, no?


and who doesn’t want corn with their salami pizza??

speaking of salami – they love it.  at their central market, every other stall sells salami.  the other stalls sell paprika and dried fruits


what else did we eat?


czhips on a sztick. geniusz #BudaBest

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chimney cakes called kürtőskalács!!!!!

kürtőskalács árë šô bèÿøñd dēlįčîõüś #BudaBest

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cheese bread delicious things called Lángos, which will have you lángosing for more of dem as soon as you finish eating one

Goodbye and so Lángos #BudaBest. hope we meet again for some more #szósz-y times

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chicken wrapped in cheese and bacon!!

grilled chicken wrapped in cheese & bacon. btw – Hungarians never go HUNGARY. portions are larger than America's!

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and of course we were going to eat goulash!!!!  and it lives up to its goul-lashy reputation!!!  I want to make shoes of em and call em goulashes!!!


and of course we went to McDonalds – cause you always HAVE to go to McDonalds in a foreign country to see what’s on their menu – like Falatkák!!  (plus it’s the only place guaranteed to have fountain sodas, and ice)

hungary bnudapest 

and then we did this thing called Eat & Meet where you go to this apartment and this nice young Hungarian lady and her parents make you a multi-coursed meal and get you drunk on wine and pálinka, and you meet random travelers from around the globe doing the same thing yer doing.  SUPER AWESOME-SZÓSZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and we drank all these foods down with a hot cup of hot wife!!!

hot cup o'wife, mugging for the camera #BudaBest

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OK, time for a quick break


and onto sightseeing!!!

no ben, all parliament – which is as beautiful on the inside, as it is on the outside

budapest parliment


and paid respect to the great Synagogue

holy moly – it's the largest synagogue in all of Europe

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and went to da Zoo

Elephant House at the #BudaBest Zoo

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where we found the missing link between chimp and man

the found link

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and went to da Opera house

and watched people ice skate in front of a faux castle thing!

Epcot Center is awesome szósz this time of year!!!!

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and had schmancy coffee at this schmancy cafe

and checked out a schmancy ye olde movie theater

movie palaces, palaces for the people > royal palaces

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and brought in the new year at a schmancy restaurant in the castle wall thing!!

me and the wife bended our New Year's like Beckham's spicy wife – POSH!!!! #BudaBest

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and went to the opposite of a schmancy bar – called a ‘ruin pub’, which is like a former dump hole, turned into a super awesome szósz bar!!!  the one we went to was called Szimpla Kert, and it was szimply amazsing!!!

and the best thing we did?  the thing locals AND tourists all do – go take a bath!!!

whirlpoolin' dervishes

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spa steam


we will never go hungry again, but we’d totally go to Hungary again, even if a lot of the food looked like this!!!!!!!



Foggy With A Chance of Zodiac Balls

I gay for the bay!

sf 1

no US city has views like this!!!!


always gotta hit up the touristy sites

full house

I’ve got nothing but love and HAIGHT (that pun will never not be awesome) for this city


where the streets have names, and are curved, for everyone’s pleasure

real streets have curves

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did the Jewish slaves erect this one too?


the Coppolas own this sweet a$$ building


this Palace is a hotel!


lets try 8 mini beers!!

billion beers

but will I pass the test????

booz o meter

or get knocked out?


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or catch on fire?

fire drink with me

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but the drinks aren’t the only thing that be loaded

loaded potato

and who doesn’t want their salad tossed and dressed in front of their own eyes?

now THAT is how you toss a salad!!!!! #HouseOfYum #HouseOfYES

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I went NUTS for mini donuts!!!

you can't spell donut without 'do'

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you can smell this, right?  or at least my farts from it, right???


sorry if the puns feel old, and that I’m phoning it in


but things are on the rise, out there in the Napa Valley


where the wine flows like overpriced restaurants


and where the only storms are castle storming


and all the rooms have views

room with a view

and all the hills have (my) eyes


what, you think I was going to the SF area and do zero Zodiac zsleuthing???


didn’t find Z, but did go to Lake Berryessa, where those poor kids were stabbed 46 years ago

zodiac 2

place was super creepy & quiet… I was actually a little bit frightened

zodiac 3

but me & the Mrs survived, and rode another vacation off into the glorious sunset



Old Bay Seasoning


A Fine Line Between Love And Haight



Diana, In

for the annual Bloomington, Indiana trip, the crew tried something a little different – visit at a time when our ballz won’t freeze, and lemme tell you, it was MARVVVVELOUS!!!!!!!


and empty!!! (I actually played ball there!)


and scenic with a ‘K’, like skenik! (don’t tell anyone we were on the roof)


and there were signs!


in neon too!


and cheap fried things!


and learning!


and 80s Star Wars – in German!!


and dudes with snakes on their neck!!


and MUST-staches!!!!


and dudes juss as cool w/o staches!!!


and bears with boobs that are hot, and off-putting at the same time


and great times, and even greater food


can you smell the farts?




you can’t do better than this America!


yep, I filled them holes


and yep, grease is the word, and grease poured out of my butt


bacon anyone?


and Long Island Iced Tea anyone?  warning – you should not drink this, unless you’re a college student and looking to black out in 10 minutes


and yep, the Nats represent everywhere


and Mark Cuban never forgets life before sharks and tanks and being a rich douche

the new Cuban Embassy

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you’re #1, we’re all #1!!


like what you see?

Thighclops #EyeWideOpen

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and so concludes #RanchFarts2015


2014 – The Union Forever

2013 – Thighwalker Ranch Farts

2012 – Unhidden Valley Ranch Farts

2011 – Ranch DuBois

2011 – #RanchFarts2011

2009 – Herman B. Wells That Ends Well

2008 – Ranch Sauce Farts Part 6 Meets Police Academy Part 6

2008 – Bloomingtales

2007 – Village (Pantry) Idiot

2006 – College of Arts & SciencesCollage of Farts & Appliances

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