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The 2017 Thighsmans

we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2017

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Fourteenthial Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards





Thing In A Movie That Pissed Me Off More Than Urinating In and/or On My Own Pants

trying to make Rose from Star Wars
The Last Jedi 
a thing



Second Thing In A Movie That Pissed Me Off More Than Urinating In and/or On My Own Pants AND That Wasn’t Leia Flying In Space

the environmental message of freeing the DUMBo animals in Last Jedi



The 8th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The You Think You’re An Actress And Maybe You Are But You Annoy The Living Bejesus Out Of Me Every Time I See You On Screen And I Want You Gone So Please Stop Acting Award

go away

Lily James & her teef


The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year


Dan Stevens

who had SEVEN flix released in 2017!!


Gifs of the Gawds

anything Rihanna was doing in Valerian


Begging For More Begbie

there is nothing better than Begbie, the best part of Trainspotting 2

so forget about making a 3rd one and just make a stand alone Begbie movie please


Bob’s Big Girls (& Boys)
The 2017 Bobbies!

these bobbies are darin!


The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Eiza González


Anjela Nedyalkova


Hot Aunt May



Gosling’s sister’s rack


 Salacious B Crumb sitting on a toilet, reading Playboy



Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Ana de Armas 



FOAM Alone!

aka hottest NON-human part of any movie

the foam from Dunkirk




Hairing Is Caring AND Sexy


Come for the tennis, and then literally COME watching this hairdressing scene!!!



Würstest BESTEST Date Movie/Witherspoonfest
of 2017


I can’t believe I typed this

Home Again


Best Boys On The Side Player


 from I, Tonya


Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As Norman Bates


The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – ‘Bellbottoms’ in Baby Driver (somehow I forgot this song existed)

hologram Elvis in Blade Runner 2049

Bowie’s In Space


Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)



Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!


Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

It Comes at Night / MarrowboneThe Girl with All the Gifts / All NighterCaptain Underpants: The First Epic MovieThe Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature


Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Ninja N. Devoe

Flint Beverage

David Buttolph



Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

i made all these Kao Kan gifs for you

this logo

Why I Love David Fincher’s Zodiac


where leia’s hair buns
were inspired from

Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones and Sean Young as Marion Ravenwood!!!!!!!!

Eworks on Ice!



Movies To Look For In The ‘018


Four Billboards Outside of Branson, Missouri

Boss Toddler


Hello Robin Christopher

The Man Who Invented Hanukkah

Rebel in the Pumpernickel

17 Fast, 17 Furious


In Memoriam


too many great names to name, so we’ll just leave it like this



don’t forget to peep out our  ’16,  ’15’14, ’13, ’12, ’11’10’09’08’07’06’05’04’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Thighs Wide Movies 2017

Ten 2017 Movies That Rose Higher Than Rose From The Last Jedi

1) Loving Vincent

LOVE doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about this waking life walk thru van Gogh’s paintings.  this is one for the ages!!

2) The Lost City of Z

more of an Indiana Jones movie than Kingdom of The Crystal Skull was!!!  AND IT REALLY HAPPENED!!

3) Mother!


4) Dunkirk

I was praying that it was going to be a bad movie so I could call it Dumbkirk

5) The Disaster Artist

Finally, a Seth Rogen movie I can get behind!

6) Phantom Thread

Style over substance AND style!


7) Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Fart faced McDormand and zany Sam Rockwell overcome themselves to surprise even me!

8) Maudie

Art with heart

9) The Trip To Spain

More of these, less of the Fast & Furiouseseses

10) Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Beyond this world, and apparently beyond the grasp of today’s dumbed-down audiences.  Enjoy the same crap over and over people, cause Hollywood aint going to take a chance anymo on a movie that takes a chance like this one did

our annual anal movie awards – The Thighsmans – drops the Friday before the Oscars.  stay pooned!

until then, here’s the bestest films of yesterhere

& 2002

1 Comment

We Are All Dave Toschi

without SFPD Detective David Toschi

Bullitt would be shooting blanks

Dirty Harry would be too clean cut

Mark Ruffalo wouldn’t have the role he and his hair were born to play

and Luke Skywalker would not have a better place to be

hamill card 5

thank you Detective Toschi.  if it makes you feel better, no one else ever caught the Zodiac either


Thighs Wide Telly 2017

2017 in TV was Tele-LICIOUS.  somehow I still haven’t seen the new Twin Peaks, which is a miracle and a tragedy as the original is my favorite TV show of all time, but I’ll get to it in 2018, I promise – myself!  anywho, here’s all the other stuff from TV that made my heart beat stronger and my shlong beat shlonger…


1. Riverdale (CW)

I always need a show in my life that’s the modern equivalent of Beverly Hills 90210Riverdale is it (it even has Luke Perry) AND THEN SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There was even Zodiac love!!!

2. Mindhunter (Netflix)

Dude, it’s like my dream come true – more of Fincher’s Zodiac!!!

3. Feud: Bette and Joan (FX)

What Hollywood does to actresses is horrible.  Now AND THEN.  Susan was born to be Bette.  The EYES have it!

4. Married At First Sight: Second Chances (Lifetime)

I don’t do Bachelor shows, but I love the Married At First Sight series, so when they whored out two former Sighters and let a bunch of whores try to whore all over them – the end result was one giant sloppy mess, and I couldn’t get enough of it!!

5. American Horror Story: Cult (FX)

Evan Peters is scary as fck!!!  Zodiac!!!  But the real revelation here is Carrie Fisher’s daughter, ready to be her own person – hello Billie Lourd

6. The Americans (FX)

Martha stuck in Russia is the saddest thing ever in a show of so many sad things ever!

7. Veep (HBO)

It’s truly amazing how a comedy about the US Presidency could be out clown-showed in real life by our current US President, and even more truly amazing is how the TV show this season was able to re-out clown show the real clown show.  CLOWN SHOW!!!!

8. The Hunt For the Zodiac Killer (History)

Spoiler alert – they didn’t catch him/her.  BUT LET THEM KEEP TRYING!!!

9. Curb Your Enthusiasim (HBO)

Long time off, and not much has changed, and that’s fine by me.  Loved the Fatwa advice from Salman Rushdie, like having an excuse to not pick someone up from the airport

10. Wormwood (Netflix)

Errol Morris at his best, and he’s always at his best, so this is BESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!

11. Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)

Still, the funniest network comedy going.  Love the shifting focus to the school kids.  Eddie’s friends are more interesting than Eddie!  Bonus props to redhead Trevor Larcom! Bonus bonus props to their Rent ripoff – Brent!

12. Bates Motel (FX)

Norman Bates COMES full circle, and what better way to COME all over than with Rihanna as Marion Crane!

+ bone-yessss!! moments

give all the awards in the world to Natasha Bassett who totally speared the lead (and my heart) in Lifetime’s Britney Every After


the awkward adorableness of Stranger Things 2‘s Snowball Dance


the theme music of the game show Now You See It


realizing that I never saw Beverly Hills 90210 Season 4 and loving it beyond belief


finally watched the final season of The Knick, and I already miss the fcuk out of this guy


the real life filming locations of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel


Chelsea Cardwell‘s sexy and sad portrayal of Monica Lewinsky in an ep of Scandal Made Me Famous


the return of Battle of The Network Stars


the new Dynasty is mostly garbage, cept Alan Dale remains TV’s finest a$$hole


BUZZR’s excellent doc about game shows, hosted by Alex Trebek! – Game Changers


Amazon gets STACKED and streams the original UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


the horrible awfulness amazingness awfulness of the made-for-TV version of Dirty Dancing


Copycat Killers‘ talking head J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner – for his name, and how he talks, but mainly for his name


I hope Kendra On Top never stops


cheering for The Bold Type gals


booing the girls of Girls. good riddance. YOU FCUKING SUCK!!!




wish we could MAKE A DEAL to keep these people with us on earth :(


monty firewe

perv-iously ’16 ’15 ’14 ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

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