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Thighs Wide Movies 2014

Movies2014

 

The Flowqueens of ’14

 

1) Jodorowsky’s Dune

dune book

The greatest doc ever made about the greatest film never made, EVER!!  So many ‘what if?‘s AND ‘what the f#$k??!!!‘s to shake your head at

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2) The Trip to Italy

the trip to italy

Lightening strikes twice as Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon take their thick shtick to Italy.  Hilarity ensues at every blip on the map.  AMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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3) The Babadook

babdook

Are the things going bump in the night all in their heads?  Too late, they are now in our heads too!  BABA-DOOK DOOOK DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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4) Mr Turner

mr turner

Literally watching paint dry – and it’s amazing!!!

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5) Foxcatcher

foxcatcher

Carell’s nose, Ruffalo’s beard and hairline + Tatum’s sad face = Pinned-trest-ed!!!

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6) Nightcrawler

creepy jake

Jake Gynenhehahehallllll is watching you.   Watch him back

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7) The LEGO® Movie

lego movie

Toys with our emotions in the best way possible.  It also happens to be funniest Will Ferrell flick in half a decade

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8) Inherent Vice

Inherent Vice

Katherine Waterston continues her ‘brave’ (read – ‘nude’) work in cinema

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9) Dawn of The Planet of The Apes

dawn planet apes

Going ape-sh!t, again

10) Citizenfour

ed snowden

The year’s best thriller is not only based on a true story – it is THE truest true story!

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11) The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

hobbit 3

Unibrowser Yowzers!!

12) Boyhood

gorw boyhood

Seamless production and process like none other make up for a somewhat lacking narrative.  Bring on Manhood!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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13) The Double

the double

Every movie needs Jesse Eisenberg.  So why not have two Jesse Eisenbergs???

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14) Step Up All In

step up ani3

If you’re not in, you are OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

honor blackman

The Fault In Our Stars / Get On Up / Interstellar / Jersey Boys / Lucy / Palo Alto / X-Men: Days of Future Past

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our annual anal movie awards – The Thighsmans – drops the week of the Oscars 

until then, here’s the bestest films of yesterhere

2013
2012
2011
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002

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This Is List – 2015

you know the drill – 2014 was so 1014, and 2015 is so gonna be as awesome as 2112 will be.  Anywho, The Washington Post does a list thing, and so do we, cause the lord commands it…

 

OUT

IN

ice bucket
The Ice
Bucket Challenge

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lice bucket
The Lice
Bucket Challenge

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Meghan Trainor
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Tranny Meagan
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LARP
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Flarp
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ISIS
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The The
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3 breasts
Three Breasts
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six breasts
Six Breasts
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Redskins
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Breadskins
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Mensch on a Bench
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Rat On A Cat
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Warby Parker
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Furby Frames
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Keith David
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David Keith
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Pharrell’s Hat
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Farrell’s Hats
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Serial Podcast
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Cereal Podcast
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Bitcoins
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Buttcoins
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Trivago
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Jillwaukee
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 furgeson
Ferguson Unrest
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 furgeson clarissa
Ferguson Well Dressed
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World Cup Fever
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Cup Noodles Indigestion
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Craft Beers
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Daft Fears
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Uber
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Goober
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Missing Planes
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Dissing Plane Geometry
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kale
Kale Caesar
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Randall Tex Cobb Salad
Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb Salad
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Seth Rogen
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Count Rugen
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Venmo
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Fcuk You, Pay Me
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The Fault in Our Stars
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The Fault in Our Czars
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Conchita Wurst
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Ahmed Best
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flatizza
Flatizzas
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flat chested
Flat Tits, Ahhhh
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Break
The Internet

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Rumors On
The Internets

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Bill Cosby
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Cill Bosby
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Children’s Books
Written by Celebrities
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 Celebrities Written
by Children’s Books

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and here’s what was In Oder Aus in the ’006the ’007the ’008the ’009the ‘010, the ‘011the ‘012the ‘013, the ‘014

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Thighs Wide Telly 2014

being married kept me away from the movie theatre/theater, and more at home, glued to the good ole boob tube, and that was way OK, cause TV was pretty fraking good in 2014…

1. Married at First Sight (FYI)

jacon courtney

A reality show that made us believe in love AND reality TV again, and it all felt so real.  Sometimes happily ever after is possible, even if it’s manufactred

2. Ray Donovan (Shotwime)

ray donovan

I am SO gay for Gay Donovan and all of its characters, but mostly gay for Jon Voight as Mickey Donovan – perhaps TV’s greatest supporting character of this century!  Every episode plays like a season finale – packed with more wallop than one could ever wall-down.  WALLOP!!!

3. American Horror Story: Freak Show (FX)

american-horror-story-freak-show

Scariest sh!t television has ever seen (MAYBE!).  From Twisty the clown (and his super sad backstory) to Finn Wittrock KILLING IT as Dandy Mott to a 3-breasted woman – there’s something for everyone… to make them sh!t their pants!!

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4. Fargo (FX)

billy bob fargo

Not even Tom Hanks’ lame son could ruin the TV show that did the Bates Motel/Hannibal impossible of 2014 – take a sacred movie and turn it into a brilliant TV show!!!   BILLY BOB THORTON’S HAIR FOR THE WIN!!!

5. Gotham (Fox)

penguin gotham

Batman goes Muppet Babies – and it too somehow works, even if doesn’t make comic book sense.  It’s all about Gordon, but Penguin and Catowman junior rule the city/the show + younger Alfred kicks BUT(ler)!!!


6. Boardwalk Empire (HBO) fake steve muscemi

Boardwalk was usually BOREDwalky, and never lived up to its potential, but finally did in its final season.  Maybe cause they found the perfect teeny Steve Buscemi in Marc Pickering

7. Drunk History (Comedy Central)

drunk history disney

My favorite show of 2013 still packed a punch in its second season, for both the brain AND the funny bone.  A rare double-threat that should threaten all other shows that aren’t informative AND funny!!

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8. True Detective (HBO)

heavy sh!t

that tracking shot!!!

and those boobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [NSFW]

9. Tyrant (FX)

jamal tyrant 2 jamal tyrant

Nobody is having more (screen) fun than Ashraf Barhom is as Tyrant Jamal, and no one had more fun watching him do that thing than me.  It’s TV’s most underloved awesome show!

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10. Silicon Valley (HBO)

silicon valley

Was there any doubt that a Mike Judge TV show wouldn’t be cool-whip-smart?  And that cast!!!!!  OMG OMG OMG, that CAST!!!!

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11. 10 Things You Don’t Know About (H2)

rollins weed

Sober history, with perhaps the best sober host ever – Henry Rollins!!


12. Hannibal (NBC)

(spoiler alert) Mason Verger will eat himself!!!!!!!!!!!!!

other solid forms of entertainments: 

Veep – FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!

Homeland – it got back to where it once belonged – deep in our hearts

The Knick – would probably be my #1 show, but I only got to see 3 eps cause who subscribes to Cinemax???

My Grandmother’s Ravioli – Mo grannys, mo awesome!!

Ali G Rezurection – for completists, and people who like to laugh

Bates Motel – a lot of padding, but mother and son know/are best

The Americans  – dude, Keri’s butt!!!

Mad Men – too much Megan, not enuff Bert, but plenty of BURGER CHEF!!!

Modern Family – TV’s consistently funniest show that you somehow don’t find funny

House of Cards – that subway push, that 3some, that other stuff!!

Louie – his screen daughter Jane needs a spinoff show

Get Carterwe got it!

Under The Dome – lost a little luster in season 2, but plenty of clusterfudges to keep us glued

Black-ish – the fall’s only new AND funny show worth watching/that wasn’t canceled

Shameless – was nice to be Justin Chatwin-free for a season

Newsroom – good riddance you overly talkie Aaron Sorkin talkie.  and I don’t care how ‘good’ she looks, cause Olivia Munn is the world’s würstest actress

Top Chef – Katsuji for president

Undercover Boss - over-ly sweet and souful!

Masters of Sex – too much time dedicated to the too many side characters, and their too not so interesting side stories

Selfie – dumb, fun, and sadly, gone too soon

Pizza Masters – wish these fatties were my cousins

Garfunkel and Oates – for the comedy (and Saved By The Bell refs), but not so much for the music & lyrics

Maron – dropped off a bit in season 2, but he made Ray Romano funny!

Penny Dreadful – finally, monsters and creatures with brains

Halt and Catch Fire - sweet dreams, OK reality

Vice – although I don’t remember any of the pieces off the top of me head

Girls – sucks

+ bone-yes moments

Adrien Brody as Houdini and his hot screen wife and his weird-faced assistant were beyond best!

houdini

- TWIN PEAKS IS COMING BACK!!!!!!!  and here’s what they should do

Stephen Colbert, we’ll meet again

- you can’t handle the Chelsea Handler goodbye

- Cam dances off against Will Sasso

- the insaneness of Petals On the Wind

all the grandmother’s on My Grandmother’s Ravioli, but especially 90 year old Thelma Brelesky

thelma mo

- Jill St John as Molly as Robin in the second ever episode of Batman (1966)

- that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho

- ABC promo glamour shots

- so long Californication – you were the fcuking WURST

- Pam Mueller > Ferris Bueller

Tommy Chong dances

webster cloud 6

- never 5get Jimmy McBride – Boston Cab Driver – MTV Gabber

- Disaster of Puppets

Drake’s Bar Mitzvah / Hobbit Office / Me

- Once In A Lifetime, Times Four

- Keith L Williams as DJ Pre-K on Selfie

- the mystery of Debra Messing’s green sweater puppies

sweater puppies mysteries laura sweater puppies

+

my favorite TV performance of 2014…

Adam Hagenbuch  Ashton Kutcher

Adam Hagenbuch as Ashton Kutcher in Lifetime’s Brittany Murphy movie!!!

& peace the mork out :(

mork mindy2

&

joan piggy

&

sid coca

&

don pardo1

&

casey kasem

&

THE BRADY BUNCH

&

sinatra oconnor snl

&

russell johnson

&

dave madden

&

Mac McGarry

 

perv-iously ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

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