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The 2014 Thighsmans

we somehow cobbled together the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2014

and now, for the only awards that matter…

hELlEVENth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!!

(aka – somehow a movie with a naked ScarJo ScarBLOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

under-the-skin-trash-humpers

Under The Skin

dishonrable trash mentions that can hump my poo

Mockinglame Part 1 / Monuments Men / Chef

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Cheesiest Fun Stinky Cheese
of The Year

jersey boys

the Jerseyness of Jersey Boys

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Most Thighnamic Duo of The Year

ty muppet

Jean Pierre Napoleon (Ty Burrell) & Sam the Eagle

in Muppets Most Wanted

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The 5th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

sucks-muckfarlame

it goes without saying, but…

Sucks Muckfarlame

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
She Didn’t Like
Girl of The Year

 samuel-l-wendy

Wendi McLendon-Covey

who had 8 flix released in 2014!!

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Gifs of the Gawds

jodo

step up ani4

jennifer lawrence red carpet fail

quicksilver

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Hairing Is Caring

ruff beard

ruffalo beard foxcatcher

whatever was going on with Mark Ruffalo’s balding and bearding in Foxcatcher

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Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The Bobbies!

pat guthrie

girls in the bobbedhood!

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

waterston vice

Katherine Waterston is our vice [NSFW]

 

this poster/Eva Green’s boobs

eva green poster sin city

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Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s super hot son Jack

jackkilmer2

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Scariest Eyes

creepy jake nightcrawler

Jake Gynnhahhanahalllahal!!!!

 in Nightcrawler

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Word I Still Can’t Pronounce

awkward

Maleficent

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Face Timeless

this dude

from Under The Skin

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Juss Josh Baskin’ In These Sunny Miscellaneous Missile Missives That Are Da Bomb Shiz!

baskin 2

the only bitched @ swirth that matters, AGAIN!!!!!!!

bttf siblings pic

ALT BTTF MCFLY SIBLING PICS!!

NAMEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The lady in the Columbia Pictures logo!!!!!!!!!

this guy painted these!!

36 Actors Hanging Out With Their Body Doubles

a more cartoony Snow White

oscar c3po

Celluloid Paper Dolls

that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho

meeting the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

Ryan Gage’s Hobbit unibrow

Problem Children reunion

Goonies Never Stay Dead

Albert Finney shaves 2 become Daddy Warbucks

on the set & behind the scenes with Vivian Kubrick

Paul becoming Pee Wee

and Paging Mr Herman

DICK POOP!!!!!!!!

+

a spoiler on a spoiler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

darth vader spolier

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Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As A Normal Mailman

Norman Mailer Mailman

‘Big Eyes’ from the movie of the same name

The Double soundtrack

the theme from Interstellar

+

(more like MINUS)

the song that makes me wish I didn’t have ears

‘Hanging Tree’

 

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 Robert 'Tractor' Traylor movie

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

Posters2014 

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

fiston

The Nut Job / Fiston / How to Train Your Dragon 2 / Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie / Get On Up / Step Up: All In / Bang Bang!

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Fenella Woolgar

Chubby Johnson 

& Jet Jurgensmeyer 

& Gyp Decarlo 

& Googie Withers

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Movies To Look For In The ‘015

fault czars

The Fault In Our Czars

 The Bok Choy Luck Club

14 Years A Slave

14 Fast, 14 Furious

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In Memoriam

 

ROBIN FCUKING WILLIAMS :(

mcdonalds robin williams

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Taylor Negrone & Rod Taylor & La Dolce Vita fountainhead

Bacall

Luise Rainer & Ed Herrmann

Welcome to Jurassic Park

Elizabeth Peña

Mike Nichols

Bob Hoskins

hoskins 247

the 7-Up guy

Maya & Giger & Gordon Willis

Tuco & Ruby Dee & Paul Mazursky & the dude from Raiders with the scimitar

Kiel!! Kiel!!! Kiel!!!!

+

jan hooks gum

Jan

&

Dim

dim milk clockwork karova

& 

THE ANCIENT BOOER!!!!

boooooooo

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don’t forget to peep out our ’13, ’12, ’11’10’09’08’07’06’05’04’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Thighs Wide Movies 2014

Movies2014

 

The Flowqueens of ’14

 

1) Jodorowsky’s Dune

dune book

The greatest doc ever made about the greatest film never made, EVER!!  So many ‘what if?‘s AND ‘what the f#$k??!!!‘s to shake your head at

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2) The Trip to Italy

the trip to italy

Lightening strikes twice as Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon take their thick shtick to Italy.  Hilarity ensues at every blip on the map.  AMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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3) The Babadook

babdook

Are the things going bump in the night all in their heads?  Too late, they are now in our heads too!  BABA-DOOK DOOOK DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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4) Mr Turner

mr turner

Literally watching paint dry – and it’s amazing!!!

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5) Foxcatcher

foxcatcher

Carell’s nose, Ruffalo’s beard and hairline + Tatum’s sad face = Pinned-trest-ed!!!

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6) Nightcrawler

creepy jake

Jake Gynenhehahehallllll is watching you.   Watch him back

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7) The LEGO® Movie

lego movie

Toys with our emotions in the best way possible.  It also happens to be funniest Will Ferrell flick in half a decade

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8) Inherent Vice

Inherent Vice

Katherine Waterston continues her ‘brave’ (read – ‘nude’) work in cinema

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9) Dawn of The Planet of The Apes

dawn planet apes

Going ape-sh!t, again

10) Citizenfour

ed snowden

The year’s best thriller is not only based on a true story – it is THE truest true story!

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11) The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

hobbit 3

Unibrowser Yowzers!!

12) Boyhood

gorw boyhood

Seamless production and process like none other make up for a somewhat lacking narrative.  Bring on Manhood!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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13) The Double

the double

Every movie needs Jesse Eisenberg.  So why not have two Jesse Eisenbergs???

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14) Step Up All In

step up ani3

If you’re not in, you are OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

honor blackman

The Fault In Our Stars / Get On Up / Interstellar / Jersey Boys / Lucy / Palo Alto / X-Men: Days of Future Past

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our annual anal movie awards – The Thighsmans – drops the week of the Oscars 

until then, here’s the bestest films of yesterhere

2013
2012
2011
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002

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This Is List – 2015

you know the drill – 2014 was so 1014, and 2015 is so gonna be as awesome as 2112 will be.  Anywho, The Washington Post does a list thing, and so do we, cause the lord commands it…

 

OUT

IN

ice bucket
The Ice
Bucket Challenge

-
lice bucket
The Lice
Bucket Challenge

-
Meghan Trainor
-
Tranny Meagan
-
LARP
-
Flarp
-
ISIS
-
The The
-
3 breasts
Three Breasts
-
six breasts
Six Breasts
-
Redskins
-
Breadskins
-
Mensch on a Bench
-
Rat On A Cat
-
Warby Parker
-
Furby Frames
-

Keith David
-

David Keith
-
Pharrell’s Hat
-
Farrell’s Hats
-
Serial Podcast
-
Cereal Podcast
-
Bitcoins
-
Buttcoins
-
Trivago
-
Jillwaukee
-
 furgeson
Ferguson Unrest
-
 furgeson clarissa
Ferguson Well Dressed
-
World Cup Fever
-
Cup Noodles Indigestion
-
Craft Beers
-
Daft Fears
-
Uber
-
Goober
-
Missing Planes
-
Dissing Plane Geometry
-
kale
Kale Caesar
-
Randall Tex Cobb Salad
Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb Salad
-
Seth Rogen
-
Count Rugen
-
Venmo
-
Fcuk You, Pay Me
-
The Fault in Our Stars
-
The Fault in Our Czars
-
Conchita Wurst
-
Ahmed Best
-
flatizza
Flatizzas
-
flat chested
Flat Tits, Ahhhh
-
Break
The Internet

-
Rumors On
The Internets

-
Bill Cosby
-
Cill Bosby
-
Children’s Books
Written by Celebrities
-
 Celebrities Written
by Children’s Books

-

-

and here’s what was In Oder Aus in the ’006the ’007the ’008the ’009the ‘010, the ‘011the ‘012the ‘013, the ‘014

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Thighs Wide Telly 2014

being married kept me away from the movie theatre/theater, and more at home, glued to the good ole boob tube, and that was way OK, cause TV was pretty fraking good in 2014…

1. Married at First Sight (FYI)

jacon courtney

A reality show that made us believe in love AND reality TV again, and it all felt so real.  Sometimes happily ever after is possible, even if it’s manufactred

2. Ray Donovan (Shotwime)

ray donovan

I am SO gay for Gay Donovan and all of its characters, but mostly gay for Jon Voight as Mickey Donovan – perhaps TV’s greatest supporting character of this century!  Every episode plays like a season finale – packed with more wallop than one could ever wall-down.  WALLOP!!!

3. American Horror Story: Freak Show (FX)

american-horror-story-freak-show

Scariest sh!t television has ever seen (MAYBE!).  From Twisty the clown (and his super sad backstory) to Finn Wittrock KILLING IT as Dandy Mott to a 3-breasted woman – there’s something for everyone… to make them sh!t their pants!!

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4. Fargo (FX)

billy bob fargo

Not even Tom Hanks’ lame son could ruin the TV show that did the Bates Motel/Hannibal impossible of 2014 – take a sacred movie and turn it into a brilliant TV show!!!   BILLY BOB THORTON’S HAIR FOR THE WIN!!!

5. Gotham (Fox)

penguin gotham

Batman goes Muppet Babies – and it too somehow works, even if doesn’t make comic book sense.  It’s all about Gordon, but Penguin and Catowman junior rule the city/the show + younger Alfred kicks BUT(ler)!!!


6. Boardwalk Empire (HBO) fake steve muscemi

Boardwalk was usually BOREDwalky, and never lived up to its potential, but finally did in its final season.  Maybe cause they found the perfect teeny Steve Buscemi in Marc Pickering

7. Drunk History (Comedy Central)

drunk history disney

My favorite show of 2013 still packed a punch in its second season, for both the brain AND the funny bone.  A rare double-threat that should threaten all other shows that aren’t informative AND funny!!

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8. True Detective (HBO)

heavy sh!t

that tracking shot!!!

and those boobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [NSFW]

9. Tyrant (FX)

jamal tyrant 2 jamal tyrant

Nobody is having more (screen) fun than Ashraf Barhom is as Tyrant Jamal, and no one had more fun watching him do that thing than me.  It’s TV’s most underloved awesome show!

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10. Silicon Valley (HBO)

silicon valley

Was there any doubt that a Mike Judge TV show wouldn’t be cool-whip-smart?  And that cast!!!!!  OMG OMG OMG, that CAST!!!!

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11. 10 Things You Don’t Know About (H2)

rollins weed

Sober history, with perhaps the best sober host ever – Henry Rollins!!


12. Hannibal (NBC)

(spoiler alert) Mason Verger will eat himself!!!!!!!!!!!!!

other solid forms of entertainments: 

Veep – FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!

Homeland – it got back to where it once belonged – deep in our hearts

The Knick – would probably be my #1 show, but I only got to see 3 eps cause who subscribes to Cinemax???

My Grandmother’s Ravioli – Mo grannys, mo awesome!!

Ali G Rezurection – for completists, and people who like to laugh

Bates Motel – a lot of padding, but mother and son know/are best

The Americans  – dude, Keri’s butt!!!

Mad Men – too much Megan, not enuff Bert, but plenty of BURGER CHEF!!!

Modern Family – TV’s consistently funniest show that you somehow don’t find funny

House of Cards – that subway push, that 3some, that other stuff!!

Louie – his screen daughter Jane needs a spinoff show

Get Carterwe got it!

Under The Dome – lost a little luster in season 2, but plenty of clusterfudges to keep us glued

Black-ish – the fall’s only new AND funny show worth watching/that wasn’t canceled

Shameless – was nice to be Justin Chatwin-free for a season

Newsroom – good riddance you overly talkie Aaron Sorkin talkie.  and I don’t care how ‘good’ she looks, cause Olivia Munn is the world’s würstest actress

Top Chef – Katsuji for president

Undercover Boss - over-ly sweet and souful!

Masters of Sex – too much time dedicated to the too many side characters, and their too not so interesting side stories

Selfie – dumb, fun, and sadly, gone too soon

Pizza Masters – wish these fatties were my cousins

Garfunkel and Oates – for the comedy (and Saved By The Bell refs), but not so much for the music & lyrics

Maron – dropped off a bit in season 2, but he made Ray Romano funny!

Penny Dreadful – finally, monsters and creatures with brains

Halt and Catch Fire - sweet dreams, OK reality

Vice – although I don’t remember any of the pieces off the top of me head

Girls – sucks

+ bone-yes moments

Adrien Brody as Houdini and his hot screen wife and his weird-faced assistant were beyond best!

houdini

- TWIN PEAKS IS COMING BACK!!!!!!!  and here’s what they should do

Stephen Colbert, we’ll meet again

- you can’t handle the Chelsea Handler goodbye

- Cam dances off against Will Sasso

- the insaneness of Petals On the Wind

all the grandmother’s on My Grandmother’s Ravioli, but especially 90 year old Thelma Brelesky

thelma mo

- Jill St John as Molly as Robin in the second ever episode of Batman (1966)

- that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho

- ABC promo glamour shots

- so long Californication – you were the fcuking WURST

- Pam Mueller > Ferris Bueller

Tommy Chong dances

webster cloud 6

- never 5get Jimmy McBride – Boston Cab Driver – MTV Gabber

- Disaster of Puppets

Drake’s Bar Mitzvah / Hobbit Office / Me

- Once In A Lifetime, Times Four

- Keith L Williams as DJ Pre-K on Selfie

- the mystery of Debra Messing’s green sweater puppies

sweater puppies mysteries laura sweater puppies

+

my favorite TV performance of 2014…

Adam Hagenbuch  Ashton Kutcher

Adam Hagenbuch as Ashton Kutcher in Lifetime’s Brittany Murphy movie!!!

& peace the mork out :(

mork mindy2

&

joan piggy

&

sid coca

&

don pardo1

&

casey kasem

&

THE BRADY BUNCH

&

sinatra oconnor snl

&

russell johnson

&

dave madden

&

Mac McGarry

 

perv-iously ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

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Thighs Wide Music 2014

somehow I got back into (newish) music this year.  I blame the Robyn Pandora station!!!  they made me remember that women singers are the bestest!!   annnnnnnnywho, here’s my year with music…

 

Spotifly A$$ Al Bumz

 

EP Ki-Yay, motherfcuker!

robyn royksopp

Röyksopp & Robyn’s Do It Again

-

Dear Lord, What Took Us So Long To Shoot Up?

lorde liftoff

Lorde’s Pure Heroine

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Lana Del Ray ALL DAY

lana del rey

all her musics

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Tunses For Toonces

 

‘K-Scope’ – Phil Manzanera | ‘Subdivisions’ – Rush‘Love In Every Moment’ – t.A.T.u.  | ‘Do It Again’ – Röyksopp & Robyn |  ‘Wolves’ – Marnie | ‘Computerized’ – Daft Punk and Jay Z | ‘Marilyn Monroe’ – Pharrell | ‘Team’ – Lorde | ‘Closer’ – Tegan and Sara | ‘Habit (Stay High)’ – Tove Lo | ‘Would You Fight For My Love?’ – Jack White | ‘Tomorrow Never Lies’ – Pulp | ‘Stumblin’ In’ – Chris Norman & Suzi Quatro  | ‘You Are My Sunshine’ – Yusuf Islam/Cat Stevens | ‘Mr Tembo’ – Damon Albarn | ‘Come On Down To My Boat’ – Every Mothers Son 

[d-lode all in one handy zip!!!!!]

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They Lives!

Paul Simon & Sting @ Madison Square Garden

Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 29th Induction Ceremony @ Barclays Center

Frankie Valli & ‘The Four Seasons’ @ NYCB Theatre at Westbury

Damon Albarn @ Irving Plaza

Robyn & Röyksopp JBL @ Live at Pier 97

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers + Steve Winwood @ Madison Square Garden

Lorde United @ Palace Theatre

Lily Allen @ Terminal 5

Robert Plant and The Sensational Space Shifters @ BAM Howard Gilman Opera House

Cat Stevens / Yusuf Islam @ Wang Theatre

Smokey Robinson @ Barclays Center

 

Take That! And This!

Check Your Head Checked

stripes!!!!!!!!!

never 5get Jimmy McBride – Boston Cab Driver – MTV Gabber

MEG WHITE LIVES!!!

 -

BADBYE :(

bye bye love

bye bye hammer time

bye bye ear raider

paul revere

bye bye tree hugger

bye bye Hair poster maker!!!

bye bye Shaggy DJ

casey kasem

bye bye you saxy mutherfucker

bye bye creamy third

things we like bruce

&

bye bye friend helper

joe cocker

-

and here’s what we stuffed in the past

’13
’12
’11
’10
’09
’08
’07
’06
’05
’04
’03

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