Tag Archives: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Killing Me, Hardly

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl
Me Hurl and The Dying For This Movie To End
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

me earl dying girl

I don’t even know exactly how to sum up how much I didn’t like (and basically HATTTTTTTTTTTTTED) this movie, and I really don’t have to bother since David Edelstein somehow captured my thoughts exactly, but…

if you are looking for a crappier version of…

The Fault in Our Stars

fault stars

but less romantic

platonic

that focuses on one of THE most annoying and non-interesting teenage protagonists I’ve encountered in a while (this is not actually him)

annoying teenager

who is forced by his mom to hang out with that super adorable girl from Bates Motel, who has nothing to do in the movie cept have big eyes, and eventually shave her head cause she has cancer

olivia cooke

and our annoying teen boy gets by in his dweeby high school life with his quirky black friend (think Urkel, but not really.  I juss wanted to post a gif of Urkel)

urkel

and together they re-make movies in a way that’s somehow dumber then the ultra-dumb Be Kind Rewind

and the whole movie feels like the 193482382th Wes Anderson Rushmore rip-off you’ve ever seen

rushmore2

rushmore1

and the movie feels like one giant cancer guilt trip, that isn’t worth taking

guilt trip poster

and for some reason Nick Offerman is in it, and he’s basically as exciting as the grumpy looking cats he looks like

nick offerman

and if I don’t have anything nice to say, too bad, cause I already said it, but don’t see this movie cause it sucks, besides MAYBE the last last 5 minutes, but getting to that last five minutes is pointless torture, but I will say something nice – the Pittsburgh-regional locations for the movie were AWESOME!  Especially the high school they used!

SCHENLEY HIGH SCHOOL

SCHENLEY HIGH SCHOOL 2

Verdictgo: f this movie, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Him, Earl and Toe Jam zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzes you in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Sucking Jay

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1
Lames: Part A Bazillion
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 123 min

I don’t know why I continue to subject myself to the awfulness that is The Hunger Lames movies. THEY IS SO LAMES!!!! #1 and #2 were like giant #2s, covered with endless piles of #2s, peed on with gallons upon gallons of #1s. They be rotten apples. Even more so than the rotten apple that is The Apple

Guess what, #3, part 1 is even worsester!!!!! Gone are the games where people tried to kill each other, but lamely didn’t really, and here, in their place, are boring meetings in underground lairs, followed by more meetings, and like Gale and like snoozing, and meetings, and propaganda, and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and some dumb song and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring, and some poor gifted actors handing in performances we wish we could re-gift

Way to go Hunger Lames – you killed Philip Seymour Hoffman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BORING!!!

PEETA!!!! HUMMMMMMMUS!!!!!

sleeping

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Mockingjay mocks your ears and eyes and wallet at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Your Epidermis Is Showing Boring

Under The Skin
Alien Ant Smarm
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 108 min

under the skin

And the biggest piece of cinema sh!t of 2014 is Jonathan Glazer‘s Under The Skin.  MORE LIKE BLUNDER THE SKIN!!!   MORE LIKE UNWATCHABLE GARBAGE PACKAGED AS A MOVIE OF NOTHING!!!

OK, so there are some things, like seeing Scarlett Johansson‘s glorious curves, MULTIPLE TIMES [NSFW], but that’s about 8 minutes of glory, and 100 minutes of bore-y.  If it was 108 minutes of Scarlett’s boobs, then it’s a masterpiece, but it’s not, and everything else we’re shown is a crapsterpiece of sh!t

So why is this movie such a bucket of turds, showered in urine?  Oh, cause I said so.  Take my word for it, and don’t see this.  Unless you want to see nothing, with annoying music, and about 70 minutes of watching ScarHo driving a van and picking up random dudes and then taking them to some like abandoned house or something, and then get nekkid, and then the men get nekkid too and as they walk toward her, they like drown in a black pool of nothingness (THIS MOVIE IS A BLACK POOL OF NOTHINGNESS) or something, and then she goes out and gets in that van and does the same stuff all over again with some other unlucky blokes about town.  IS YOUR MIND BLOWN YET?  More like THIS BLOWS!!!!!  Eventually the cycle of man-trapping/drowning stops, and then JohanLett like runs in the forest, and then a lumberjack tries to have his way with her, but she can no longer deal and then she like throws her human skin away, and reveals that’s she’s a blackpool of nothingness of a being.  And STUFF!!!!  Oh, and there’s a guy on a motorcycle who like helps her or something, and I don’t give a flying fcuk

Intrigued?  Don’t be.  The trailer was fcuking awesome.  Pretend the movie is the trailer, and then move on with your life

OK, ok, so I will admit that Scarlett is awesome in this movie.  Probably her best work of this century that didn’t involve Woody Allen or juss her voice as Her.  But juss cause she’s awesome, and shows her boobs, which is REALLY awesome, does not eggcuse the rest of the movie that’s literally about as enjoyable as getting an MRI

OK, ok, so there’s one more aspect to the film that I liked.  In the movie, one of her mantrap-ees is a dude with Neurofibromatosis. Their interaction is equally as tender, as it is frightening.  And after not so much research, very real.  The dude with the messed-up face is 111111%real, and his name is Adam Pearson.  Kudos for being real.  Boo-dos to all the rest, which makes Upstream Color seem about as straightforward as an Air Bud movie

adam pearson

 

VerdictgoSlit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Skin is un-deep in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

 

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The Dirty Dozen Dumbing

The Monuments Men
Monumental Lameness 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

monuments men

!  All in one movie!!  Fighting the (real) good fight, to save plundered precious art from the Nazis, for generations to come!!!  Sounds like this movie can’t miss!!!!  Sadly, The Monuments Men is a total misfire.  The mission is important, and the movie tries to relay that thought, but it comes off as completely corny, udderly uninteresting, and as static and still as an actual monument.  It’s like Oceans 11 meet Saving Private Ryan minus everything.  I’d rather watch paint dry than watch them save these paintings.  I kinda wish the real people in reals lifes didn’t save these painting so this movie didn’t have to exist.  And honestly, that about all there needs to be said about this lame-fest. Good night, and good suck

VerdictgoSlit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Men not at works, tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Boring Lames II: Catshit On Pita

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Garbage In, Garbage Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 146 min

catching fire

enuff’s been said already…

 

 

 

 

but two positive things to say!!!

 

&

wow, what a piece of fcuking crap. it’s JUSS as awful as The Apple, cept The Apple is awesomely bad and Catching Snoozes is just bad (same applied with the first movie)

VerdictgoSlit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Hunger lames it up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

0 Comments
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