The Grey
Crash Grab
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

From the looks of the image above, Joe Carnahan‘s The Grey looks like a Liam Neeson kicks mad a$$ with broken gla$$ flick from frame one til frame done, but guess what?  THIS ONLY HAPPENS IN ONE OF THE VERY LAST FRAMES OF THE MOVIE AND THEN IT CUTS TO THE CREDITS BEFORE ANY ACTUAL KICK A$$ WITH GLA$$ HALF-FULL OF AWESOMNESS STUFF HAPPENS!!!!  So what leads up to this end shot?  Um, these ragtag dudes (Liam + Dallas Roberts, Dermot Mulroney, Frank Grillo, etc) work in Alaska or something and are going home or something, but then their plane crashes or something, and the people who survive the crash try their very best to stay alive, and by doing so, they tell really boring stories and show pictures of their loved ones, but we’re sure their families don’t give one sh%t about them cause we don’t care about these people and we only had to spend a little under two hours with them.  And what about them GREY wolves?  Oh yeah, they’re all about wanting to eat these survivors and come in and out of the movie like every 15 minutes so we don’t fall asleep.  Guess what, not even the wolves eating the survivors can prevent the snoozes

moral of the story – forget you even saw that image above and instead juss rent a real life survival story, like the brilliant docurama - Stranded: I Have Come From A Plane That Crashed On The Mountains, aka the bestest movie we saw in 2008 

Making Progress: before he hunted down wolves and eastern Europeans, Neeson made his acting debut in 1979′s Pilgrim’s Progress

Verdictgo: has no real reason for being, herspecially anything but boring, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

The Grey is shady at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

In Time
Watch Stop
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 109 min

It doesn’t take much time into Andrew Niccol‘s In Time to tell that it is gonna be a one giiiiiiiiant waste of time.  Crying farking shame, cause this coulda been a better Logan’s Run (beautiful youth, with impending expiration dates), but instead it’s more like a stinkier and more boringing Matrix II & III (super well dressed peoples stuck in a bunch of super super super lame & cheesy sci-fi situations).  URGH!!!  How did the guy who gave us the grand Gattaca deliver us such a steaming piece of crappica?  HOW?!??!?!

Here’s how – think of every pun and cliché that could be derived using the word ‘time’ and any other unit of time measurement and that’s the entire script for In Time.  There’s not enough TIME to explain how stupid this movie is.  But we do have just a few SECONDS to tell you that Cillian Murphy should probably take a TIME out from playing brooding baddies, and that TIME may be running out on Vincent Kartheiser playing weasley dudes that are eggzactly like the weasly dude he is on Mad Men, and that Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried might be nice to look at, but not so much to listen to, since they both seem to have graduated from a two MINUTE acting school.  Let’s CALL IT A DAY and juss say that the only thing that STROKED OUR COCK CLOCK in the whole sha-bang-whimper was Seyfried’s ginger bob, duhvsz

Well Worth Our Time:

Bella Heathcote

+

Sasha Pivovarova

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

In Time will soon be out of time and theaters near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Dark of The Imgination
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 157 min

T-III starts off with sum revisionist history of the moon landing, and it was like Houston, we have an awesome.  Everything after that was a bigger disaster than The Challenger space shuttle.  It’s so stoopid and beyond boring that it is hactually OK to compare it to such an awful tragedy in American history

This sums up everythings:  When Ken Jeong delivers your most ‘credible’ performance, your movie flat out sucks times 388737237739083478378478923767815281506507416561780570641756178657645164375816347856875643756786578134651873657813658761751656756745187651658745165765761756785617856875389389060547967076091780870934788765876586751678561874568765784365

OK, we do have to award 3 small bonus points for the employment of 80s Russian movie guy Elya Baskin, and funny white guys Andrew Daly and Alan Tudyk, but they and we all deserve better than this… anything but this

Never again Bay, NEVER AGAIN

And even if Bay isn’t doing the next one, there will be no next one for we

Michael Bay – Bad With Eye Diarrhea, Good With Eye Candy:

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

Inna Korobkina

Meredith Monroe

Danielle Fornarelli

Elena Kolpachikova

Jesse ‘World’s Greatest Extra’ Heiman

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

III is a giant #2 at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Hangover Part II
Hung Out, Too Dry
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 102  min

The Hangover I was purty darns good (remember kids, we usually don’t say such nice things about modern comedies!).  Its sequel, not at all.  It’s one thing to repeat the entire plot (in a new, more exotic setting!!!), but it’s another to not come through on the only thing that matters – jokes that cause laughter.  Don’t know if the script was rushed into being, or perhaps the writers (Craig Mazin and Scot Armstrong, along with director Todd Phillips) honestly thought that they had constructed something truly hilarious, but the only souls laughing here are the studio heads, all the way to the bank with the buckoo-bucks we handed over to them for this uninspired and tired effort.  Who’s game for a third one?  Probably everyone but the audience!!

You know your comedy doesn’t work if you can’t make any use of Zach Galifianakis‘ talent.  Wonder what Zachy thinks of the script, especially since this material is 9 feet beneath him + the fact that he sorta hates the hand that feeds him.  It’s not like the acting is bad (Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms do what is asked of them), well, unless we’re talking about the ‘acting’ of half note ‘actor’ Ken Jeong (who makes awful novice Mason Lee look like Charlton Heston), and the direction is fine (it does resemble a thing that we call a movie), but 1nce again, it comes down to this – THERE ARE NO LAUGHS.  Well, that’s not not entirely true.  There were probably 2 of them (‘K’ as in knife, is one of them), and of course none came from the tongues of Ken Jeong, poor bland Justin Bartha, a wasted Paul Giamatti, or that smoking monkey that’s suppose to be hilarious cause it’s a monkey that smokes!!  Ha, ha, ha.  So funny that we forgot to laugh

Hangover 10: Kim Lee

not to be confused with Lee Kim

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

be a teetotaler and stay away from yer local theater showing The Hangover II

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Beaver
Leave It
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 91 min

Mel Gibson is a guy in a deep funk, on the edge of much darkness.  Everyone’s given up on him, and he has nowhere really to go but further down a bottle of liquor.  No, we’re not talking about Mel Gibson the person, we’re talking about the character Mel Gibson plays in pal Jodie Foster‘s The Beaver.  Eager to see this disaster of a man play a disaster of a man put on display?  Of course you and we are.  Who doesn’t love watching a good ole train wreck, or indulging in things/people we can’t stand or that hate us for no good reason other than our control of the banks and the medi (how else do you explain why we relish in watching anything with Hitler in it, or can’t turn away from a Duke basketball game?).  Problem is, the man isn’t a disaster, the movie is!!!

The Beaver comes down to this: can you buy into a character who finds renewed passion for the Christ life with the help of a puppet he’s got his own fingers up in?  If it was played strictly for laughs, with a small slice of heart, it would work, but The Beaver oozes with way too much seriousness and sappiness, and we weren’t buying it for a second.  Maybe if the beaver was voiced by Jerry Mathers, we could suspend our disbelief, but the beav’s voice is Mel’s own, in a super-annoying cockney Australian accent that is so grating that it almost works as an anti-Australian tourism or anti-puppetry campaign.  More like camp-PAIN!!!!  Urgh!!!

So if you can’t buy into the beaver in The Beaver right off the bat, you’ll be stuck rolling your eyes until it’s time to roll out of the theater.  To make matters even worse, there’s a parallel story about Mel’s son (the ever annoying Anton Yelchin), who’s trying everything in his power to not end up like the old man.  By day he writes classmates’ papers for pay, and by night, he’s a whiny little bitch.  His latest client is the school’s arty smarty hottie (grumpy faced Jennifer Lawrence, not saying ‘you seen my daddy‘ 38388 times over this time) and it’s so not at all interesting that we won’t even bother elaborating about them

Writer Kyle Killen‘s story started out as a short one, and then went full blown, and then ended up as one of those Black Listers (best unproduced screenplays), but by the results, it probably should have remained black listed, or maybe just a short story, or juss anything that wasn’t Ordinary People Muppets

Nice Beaver:

via

Verdictgo: even though Mel’s performance is a slight draw here, nothing else is, so Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Beaver is puppetry of the leanest today in select cities

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…