Thighs Wide Shut

Kiernan Shipka as Sally Draper = awe shucks awesomeness times a zillionzz

her work on Mad Men ranks right up there as one of the great child performances of balls thyme, alongside Dakota Fanning in I Am Sam, Natalie Portman in The Professional and Tatum O’Neal in Paper Moon

she needs a spin off show called Long Small Sally or Draper?  I Don’t Even Know Her or The Carpet Matches The Draper (sorry, that last one crosses the line a bit)

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
#3 Puts The ‘Sag’ In ‘Saga’
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Where did we leave off in the land of flighty, but fun Twilight [reviews of Twilight 1 & New Moon]? Bella sweated Edward, but Edward took off to work on his hair, so she was stuck hanging out with Jacob and his abs and his shirtless friends, and they did stuff together, and everyone got blue balls. Then Edward returned and Bella totally wanted to jump his bones, and Jacob got angry and hungry like the werewolf. Then Bella and Eddie Muster went to Italy where Dakota Fanning and some red-eyed Vamps did some slo-mo throwdowns. A marraige proposal is proposed and all the ladies in the theater swooned and were over the moon

And where does #3, Eclipse, with no actual eclipses, go from there? Nowhere new or interesting. Same ole story as #2 (still NO SEX!), cept no trips under the Tuscan sun, and Edward sticks and dicks around, prolonging this whole love triangle that really isn’t a love triangle cause Bella totally wants to be a vampire for no other reason than trying to be as hot as Ashley Greene is. Good luck with that plain jane Kristen Stewart!!! OK, we lied, there is some new stuff, like snow! and 8 second backstories of the Cullen kids, like that of Jasper/Jackson Rathbone (our favorite character in the series), when he was Texan during the Civil War or something, and for 5 minutes he speaks with a Texas twang, and then abandons it when someone offers him Texas toast with garlic on it, and how he was seduced by Catalina Sandino Moreno, and who wouldn’t want that to happen, but she’s gone in 60 seconds, and if we were in her presence, we’d blow a load in 60 seconds

Oh, and there’s a mounting battle between vampires and other vampires, and the werewolves want to help out, cause they hate the new vamps more than the old ones. And why is their a battle mounting? Cause Bryce Dallas Howard stole Rachelle Lefevre‘s job and they all want Bella and must have her, which apparently everyone in the Twilight universe done does as well, which makes no sense, cause there’s nothing special about her, besides her dad’s awful mustache. OK, we get how Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would want to protect her, but why would their respective clans also care so dangs much? Wouldn’t life in the land of Forks be much easier is she was killed? Or what if she moved to Florida to live with her mom (Sarah Clarke)? Seems like some fun in the sun could do her well. And maybe new stuff could actually happen, like vampires surfing or werewolves playing beach volleyball. As for the battle, the vamps prep the wolves on how to take down other vamps, and no tension mounts, cause an hour passes before any actual fighting begins and then the fighting is over in about 4 seconds and then Bella and Edward make kisses faces in a field of flowers, while Jacob pouts and works on his abs.  The end.  More like the end of fun in this now overly repetitive saggy saga!!!

Women will love this third edition (lust w/o the lust), and men will juss wish they were watching True Blood, and we/me juss wanna get as far away from vampires as possible, and Anna Kendrick too. Her acting here was juss as lame as it was in her Oscar-nominated turn in Up In The Air. Where’s the justice people, and moist importantly, where’s the ludicrous vampire baseball??!!!!

Twilight Up Our Lives: here be two vampiressesesessses who needed more screentime/shower scenes…

Kirsten Prout

&

Monique Ganderton

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Eclipse slips, blips, with no nips today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Runaways
Blackhearts & Coronets
Official Website | Trailer & Mo

Dakota Fanning has forever been that adorable wunderkind child actress, who had yet to fully grow into a woman.  Overhyped/underwhelming southern gothic rape flick aside, she finally graduates into adulthood, and then some in Floria Sigismondi‘s lackadaisical, yet funadaisical The Runaways, a look back at the brief flash in the pan that was the teenage all girl rock group of the same name.  Dakota plays Cherie Currie, the band’s centerpiece, and reluctant sexpot.  And while Currie herself wasn’t necessarily ready and able to fill that role (she now makes art… with a chainsaw!), her screen counterpart is, and it’s a revelation that’s equal parts magnificent (she will NOT be another flamed out child actor!), as it is uncomfortable (we never wanted to think of I Am Sam‘s daughter in a sexual way, EVER, but we now have no choice)

Kristen Stewart also occupies space in The Runaways, as band co-founder Joan Jett, and although she emotes the most she has since Panic Room, it’s less of a performance of note.  Stewart may look the part, donning the perfect Jett-black wig, but she isn’t very good at doing anything with it.  Maybe she should stick to the confused teenage roles, where she can brood for an eternity that will last longer than her beloved Edward’s life.  The other rockettes (Stella Maeve as drummer Sandy West, Scout Taylor-Compton as guitarist Lita Ford & Alia ‘Maeby Fünke’ Shawkat as Robin, who isn’t even listed on their wiki page) don’t add much either, but then again, they’re given as much top billing here as the Pussycats do behind Josie

It’s all a purty rudimentary band rises, band sorta falls sorta sorted tale, but still, it’s worth the lending of your eyes to watch Dakota’s ascent north, as well as a good eggscuse to catch the hammazin Michael Shannon get all batty as the catty brains behind the whole operation, impresario Kim Fowley.  Thirst for mo you will, so for further rocking from that era, and on Fowley + Rodney Bingenheimer (who pops in here as well), Netflix Mayor of Sunset Strip and thirst no mo!

Pup-py Love: in the movie, Fanning’s sister works at a fictional fast food spot called Pup ‘n’ Fries, which is an homage to no longer in bidness SoCal treasure Pup ‘n’ Taco, which most of us non-West Coasters only know thru the words of Fletch F Fletch

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Runaways goes every which way today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Twilight Saga: New Moon
My So-Called Monster Squad
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

You got an instant lady’s take on New Moon and nows you gots a well belated one from yours drooly. WHOOPTY DOOOO! Well, we are not a womans, but we do enjoy hunky mens cause we is 1/18ths gays. Jacob is way hunkier than Edward and Jacob is way better for Bella than Edward, but who cares cause Bella isn’t worth anyone’s hunkiness. Her dad has a mustache so she probably has one too. Plus she always looks way too distraught, in a sorta Chloe from 24 meets Willie McGee I’m about to fart face, but maybe not as flatulent. The first movie was fun and the second one was not as. There was no crazy baseballs. There was also no nekkid Ashley Greene, but that was also a problem with the first movie. Michael Sheen did show up and wasn’t playing someone British for once and that was kinda neat, but we didn’t understand that whole bit about being in some Italian city with red cloaked people and then Dakota Fanning was there without her retarded dad Sam, and she wasn’t raped either and she’s old as sh%t and then like someone grabs Edward and throws him to the ground and stuff! OH NO!! Huh? Who cares! We don’t, but we care about Jacob. Bet he’s feeling really vulnerable right about now. Maybe if we fall down and hit our head he can tear off his shirt and wipe our fiveheads with it. JACOB!!!!!!!!!!!! we wants to climb your ladder AND your abs!!!!!!!!!!!! Haven’t read the books but guess that Jacob doesn’t win Bella’s heart so therefore the next two movies will blow, unless Ashley Greene gets nekkid and gets on top of a nekkid Jacob. Team Redskins!

Moon Patrol: although relatively new, peas never 5get Devin Hester’s full moon

Verdictgo: whatevs.net, but still Jeepers Worth A Peepers

New Moon is currently being eclipsed at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Orphan
Mighty Orphan Power Stranger
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Orphan aint nuttin but a fun shock and awe-snap horrorfest. In the same breath, it’s also a hard to swallow, heavily mean-spirited affair where the children are not only thrown into harms way, but actually get harmed. If you can get past the second half of that breath (it’s really really tuff, but we know you can do it!), and all the other toothsome gruesome violence strewn about, you’re in for another summer frightening treat, that’s a slight step behind last month’s nutragoeus Drag Me To Hell. Like Scream, Orphan openly pays homage to films of a mo golden era, but Jaume Collet-Serra‘s second directorial stab in the genre (after his entertaining House of Wax Dat A$$) isn’t so obvious about it. Maybe that has something to do with David Johnson and Alex Mace‘s snazzy story (that does go on and on a bit too much at the very end), eggsalad production values, and believable performances from respected actors (Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard, a gay actor always trapped in a straight man’s role, eggecept in Kinsey when Kinsey gave him a reach around)

As for the film’s lesser-known child thespians (Natalie Portman Professional style jailbait Isabelle Fuhrman, young James T Kirk!, and a too adorable fo words Aryana Engineer, who does indeed know the language of sign in reals lifes), their work is so blowminding that after we left the theater, we demanded to know why the Academy Awards doesn’t separately recognize the talent of youth with their own category, herspecially if animation gets its own BS one (howevs, in the lates 40s, a few special awards were handed out to some kids, complete with miniature statuettes)!!! Sure, the wins of Tatum O’Neal and Anna Paquin were huuuuge, and the other youngin nominations were all nice gestures, but is it too much to ask to set aside a lil love and respek to these pint-size dyanamos who arguably have a tougher job of acting than their older counterparts? We still get chills juss thinking about Dakota Fanning’s hammazin work in I Am Sam, opposite a way over the top Sean Penn, and yet it was he who snagged the film’s only nomination. Where’s the justice folks? Thought everyone’s unofficial mantra was that kids came first. And no, that’s not ‘what she said’, you sick f$%k!!!

Twisty Ties: there’s quite a big twist in the movie that we wouldn’t dare reveal here, but there’s a smaller twist that’s already well known… CCH Pounder is hactually Bill Cosby!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Orphan is currently being adopted by audiences at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…