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The Welles Report

Orson Welles had one of the greatest voices to have ever been recorded on planet earth.  it worked wonders in radio, TV and cinema, and even later in his life, when he needed extra money, and would lend his pipes to anything and everything.  and what’s so wrong with that???

I’m sure you’ve heard the outtakes from his ad for frozen peas, right????? (please tell me you have.  it’s one of the greatestestetestsstttt things mt EVERest)

well, there were plenty of other ads, which probably all had cringe-worthy outtakes, but these finished takes are all an aural thing of beauty…

I mean, with that voice – he could sell horse piss to a horse without a mouth!

I mean, I could listen to him say ‘Copenhagen’ ALL DAY

I didn’t need to be sold on Dark Tower, the greatest board game ever created, but I’d take a sword for him after hearing his pitch!!!

Orson, please save the world instead of scaring us about its impending doom!!!

Nashua!!!  wish the company was called Nashua’s Joshua.  would’ve love to hear him say that!!!

smoking added a touch of class, well, at least back then

the part where he says ‘par excellence’ words gets me weak in the knees

Orson’s voice is an oasis, and so is whatever that cloak he’s wearing

hello, let me take 10 seconds to light this thing!  btw – love that it always looks like he’s talking to the audience, but he’s basically juss talking to himself

he should make that woman’s bandana disappear

if it’s not HBO, apparently it’s slutty cable TV.  sit back and enjoy!!!

not sure if he’s actually hot, out of breath, out of money or all 3

I bet he thinks this camera’s a real piece of sh$t

and now you are entering the Paul Masson section of this post…

if Orson has wine farts, and yer standing behind him, you’d be gone with the wind

somethings can’t be rushed – including Orson Welles

here’s an outtake from the same spot – NO GREASED BOTTLES!!!

if only the ‘Chablis’ was from Copenhagen!!

same jacket as above?  but with one of Peter Bogdanovich’s ascot/neck scarf thingies??

wait, why does this one have more voice-over to it, than him juss talking to the camera

oh, that’s why – he’s fcuking drunk as a skunk!!!

bless this man.  wish I was that other hand in the photo

paul masson orson welles

he looks like he’s either ready to leave, fart, or upset that you’re not paying for the bill, or all 3

orson paul masson

omg! omg! omg!!

HE DID THE VO FOR THE REVENGE OF THE NERDS TRAILER!!!!!!!!!!

and this MIGHT(???????????????????????) be him talking about STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

anywho, Orson was the best.  who cares if he was squandering his talent by making his pocketbook bigger and stomach bigger by doing ads?

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Canned Sloppy Hoes

greatest book title of all time may be…

manwich

MANWICH!!!!!!!!!!

it’s like a sandwich, where men are the bread!!!!!!!!!!!

manwich2

maniwhc ad

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Secret Asian Man

Peace The Forks Out

to

The Face of Leather

gunnar leatherface

leatherface

+

Maureen O’Hara

maureen_ohara

maureen o hara

+

The Finest Game Show Host Ever – Jim Perry

jim perry

jim sale of century 

jim card
jim sharks

+

Big Al Delvecchio

al days happy

al happy days

+

He Made TV Mobiles

batmobile

munster mobile

+

the guy who wrote

Rodham

SHE WROTE E.T. – THANK YOU!!!!!

Allen Toussaint

Yo! MTV Raps creator

JanSporter

LOVE HIM DO!!!

he lit fires to chariots

the dude that gave us theseus!!

ghosbusters logo

lampoon kill this dog

that Indian actor guy!

Philthy Animal

he found a Gateway

Flip Saunders

he was Henry the VIII (who hasn’t?)

he won 4 Stanley Cups

two Olympic golds in 800-meter eventer

he went to two Super Bowls

Fred Thompson

Fred Thompson

former president of South Korea

fifth president of Israel

greatest scout of all time

Cary Grant ‘wife’

he was mad Fly

he netted Maris for the Yanks

Legendary San Fran stripper

some artist

some basketball coach

Don Vito

don vito

Cap’n Mitch

‘Fast Eddie’ Hoh

he had one life to live

IBM’s mainframe main dude

Britain’s most famous brothel keeper

(Bartles &) Jaymes

jaymes bartles

some folk singer

Hobby’s Deli guy

Mars Bar dude

HE MIXED THE SOUND OF STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!

he was Brave

Deadwood guy dead as wood

a Jew who’s twin was a Nazi!!!

skateboarding dog

&

Details Magazine

many covers of which, lived on my teenage wall

which also gave us the scariest photo I’ve ever seen

&

The Betamax format

betmax ad

betmax shining

betamax

beta hifi

betmax colors

and

Peace The Forks out to all those people in Paris, and all the people who aren’t famous around the world who have died.  we’re thinking of you :(

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