we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2019

and now, for the only awards that matter…

SEXtenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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Greatest Righting of A Wrong In A Movie Franchise EVER

in The Rise of Skywalker when they like, hey Rose, want to join us on this adventure, and she’s like, sorry, I’m busy being buried in a shallow grave by the scriptwriter!!!  EAT IT ROSE!!!

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The 10th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of Please Go Away You Annoy The Living Poop Out of Me Over-Acting Actor, How Are You An Actor, and In Every Movie? Award

Lucas Hedges

(a make-up call for previous years of annoying the crap out of me)

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Popular Movie That Irrationally Upsets My Soul Because There Is Nothing Special About It Whatsoever And I’m Still Mad At Riannnn Johnsonn for Ruining My Adulthood With What He Did To Star Wars

Knives Out 

a whodunnit
that who don’t

reveal the twist at the beginning!
so clever Riannn!!
(nice accent James Bond! NOT!!!)

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

TIE! 

with 6 films a piece in 2019

Jim Gaffigan AND Luke Evans

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these damn ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Cardi B’s DDs in the otherwise, somehow unwatchable movie about strippers – Hustlers

The Goldenest Globes

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes EVER

Molly Gordon

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Eyes Wide Closed For Bidness 9ever

aka WÃœRSTEST Eyes EVER

wtf is going on here Alita: Battle Angel???
WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT SCARY FCUKING SHTT!!???

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Hairing Is Caring 

Alec Baldwin’s DeLorean eyebrows in Framing John DeLorean

+

I don’t really love the hair but special mention to all hair things that’s going on in The Beach Bum

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Songs That Execute Better
Than Norman Mailer
Hanging With Cliff Clavin

the ENTIRE soundtrack to The Last Black Man in San Francisco

+

Taron Egerton IS Elton John

Kenny Rogers ‘in’ Richard Jewell

‘Hey Dude’

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

Midsommar / Joker / Uncut Gems / The Lighthouse / Once Upon A Time In Hollywood / The Last Black Man in San Francisco /A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (I cry every time the kids sing to him on the train) / Yesterday / 1917 / Ad Astra / It Chapter 2 (teaser) 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

Overcomer / Shaft / Annabelle Comes Home / Stuber / Fiddler: A Miracle of Miracles / The Day Shall Come/ Her Smell / The Death of Dick Long

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Gustaf Gründgens + Liv Mjönes + Taddeo Kufus

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Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

Nike is from Oregon.  The Goonies was shot in Oregon.  together they were a natural pair-ing of two great American legends & icons

BLESS the folks forever at Red Letter Media

Joe Pesci and David Ferrie RETURN!!

May The Fluoride Be With You

Ullman Are Created Equal

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Movies To Look For In The ‘020

Fast & Furious Presents: Nobbs & Shaw

Tolkien: White Guy

Super Thighs Me 2: Thighs Wide Slightly More Shut

Calendar Man

21 Jeff Bridges

Chris Wallace Is Here

Shazam! The Story of Gomer Pyle

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In Memoriam

too many great names to name
so we’ll just leave it like this

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don’t forget to peep out our ’18, ’17,  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Chappaquiddick
Sunk Political Aspirations
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 101 min

You’ve heard the names Chappaquiddick, Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne before, but do you truly KNOW the UNTOLD STORY between those three?  I didn’t either, BUT NOW THE TRUTH CAN BE TOLD!!!  IN MOVIE FORM!

CHAPPAQUIDDICK!!!!!!!!!!!!

And?

Chappaquiddick > Chappaqua

Chappaquiddick > quidditch 

Chappaquiddick > Japaquidbitch (whatever that means)

but fo’realz, this movie has more umph and gusto and infotainment to it in every inch of its being than the snoozefest The Post had in all of its snoozing.  TAKE THAT THE POST!!!  Take your Oscar nominations and shove em up yer a$$!

But I’m a sucker for faux Kennedy accents and novelty teef, and so I was THE target audience to watch Jason Clarke loom large as the Massachusetts Senator done bad and make dumb.  You root for Jason as Ted, and you shake your head at him/them, and then you want to smack him like father Joe does (Bruce Dern, making quite the splash with limited strokes), and then you want hug him, and then you want to shrug him, and then you want to vote for him, and then you want to leave theater cause the movie has ended and there’s nothing left to see, but there was PLENTY to see, including Kate Mara drown, and Ed Helms be effective in a drama (when I didn’t think he could shake his funniness and be serious), and Jim Gaffigan do the same (although he barely has anything to do, and he’s still the biggest waste of CBS Sunday Morning screentime), and Clancy Brown with slicked back McNamara hair!!!

The truth has been told, or whatever truth they claim to be true, and I fell for it, hook, line and sunk-her

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Chappaquiddick doesn’t suck dick at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…