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Thighs Wide Movies 2014



The Flowqueens of ’14


1) Jodorowsky’s Dune

dune book

The greatest doc ever made about the greatest film never made, EVER!!  So many ‘what if?‘s AND ‘what the f#$k??!!!‘s to shake your head at


2) The Trip to Italy

the trip to italy

Lightening strikes twice as Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon take their thick shtick to Italy.  Hilarity ensues at every blip on the map.  AMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


3) The Babadook


Are the things going bump in the night all in their heads?  Too late, they are now in our heads too!  BABA-DOOK DOOOK DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!


4) Mr Turner

mr turner

Literally watching paint dry – and it’s amazing!!!


5) Foxcatcher


Carell’s nose, Ruffalo’s beard and hairline + Tatum’s sad face = Pinned-trest-ed!!!


6) Nightcrawler

creepy jake

Jake Gynenhehahehallllll is watching you.   Watch him back


7) The LEGO® Movie

lego movie

Toys with our emotions in the best way possible.  It also happens to be funniest Will Ferrell flick in half a decade


8) Inherent Vice

Inherent Vice

Katherine Waterston continues her ‘brave’ (read – ‘nude’) work in cinema


9) Dawn of The Planet of The Apes

dawn planet apes

Going ape-sh!t, again

10) Citizenfour

ed snowden

The year’s best thriller is not only based on a true story – it is THE truest true story!


11) The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

hobbit 3

Unibrowser Yowzers!!

12) Boyhood

gorw boyhood

Seamless production and process like none other make up for a somewhat lacking narrative.  Bring on Manhood!!!!!!!!!!!!!


13) The Double

the double

Every movie needs Jesse Eisenberg.  So why not have two Jesse Eisenbergs???


14) Step Up All In

step up ani3

If you’re not in, you are OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

honor blackman

The Fault In Our Stars / Get On Up / Interstellar / Jersey Boys / Lucy / Palo Alto / X-Men: Days of Future Past


our annual anal movie awards – The Thighsmans – drops the week of the Oscars 

until then, here’s the bestest films of yesterhere

& 2002


The March of Times

(Mostly) Down With The King
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min


How has there never been a full length feature film made about Martin Luther King Jr, before Ava DuVernay‘s Selma marched onto the scene????  HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW????  I know Spike Lee wanted to make one, and I’m sure Spielberg did too, and anyone else who has a brain in Hollywood (about 4 people), and yet none got made.  And so we have/are stuck with Selma, which is a good start, but certainly not the greatest, for a man who deserves greatness.  Selma is such a small, albeit important, part of the King legacy, but for a movie mainly about him, don’t we want to see the complete picture?  The rise AND the fall?  The march on Washington and the assassination in Memphis????  There aren’t 20 Malcolm X movies, but the one we have is definitive.  It tells the whole story.  Who’s gonna bother now with a whole King movie?  Throne alone!

Well, we got Selma.  Its got some good (David Oyelowo as King is a royal treat, and so is his MLK Jr stache, and the costumes, and the other stuff), but it also has some (like it be mad dry and boring at times – several times! and Oprah, why do you have to be in movies????  you add nothing to everything cinematic!  stay behind the scenes and just throw your money at movies so they can get made!!  and what’s with all the British actors playing Americans?  it’s like letting James Bond being played by a Yankee – and I aint talkin bout Derek Jeter).  But we got Selma, and it’s alright.  We shall overcome this!  Maybe we won’t, but we all have dreams

but will never undercome for such hotness as…

Carmen Ejogo

Carmen Ejogo


Tessa Thompson

tessa thom

tessa 3

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Selma blairs at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…



Lies Wide Shut

Big Eyes
Pretty (Brutal) As A Picture
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

big eyes

Margaret Keane made some pretty freaky looking art in the 60s – you know, those ones with them kids with giant scary eyes. Well, apparently during the height of the paintings’ fame and fortunes, it was her husband, Walter Keane, who took ALL the credit for creating them, while Margaret kept a blind eye and muted mouth, perpetuating the lie.  Eventually she had had enough of the lies, and Walter, and went public with the truth.  Tim Burton‘s Big Eyes tells this story, and while I guess it’s a story that should be told, it’s not an enjoyable one to listen to whatsoever

Big Eyes is zero fun to watch.  That doesn’t mean that Burton didn’t do the job visually – in fact, the 60s hazy glow, and Keane’s painting all shine bright (and worth most of the price of admission), but the story behind the easel is juss too much to deal with.  But if you’re super into Christoph Waltz being a smarmy jerk to Amy Adams for slightly over and hour and a half, then stare wide at Big Eyes!  (and listen to Lana Del Rey’s amazing song!)

Verdictgo: very very mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Eyes blink currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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