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2 Legit 2 Quidditch

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
School’s Out Forever!
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

YES!!!!! Finally, a Harry Potterverse movie without children!!  No more pencils!!!  No more books!!!  No more teacher’s dirty looks!!!! And most spankfully – no more dumb Quidditch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what does a Harry Potter-less movie world look like?  Well, for one thing – they done did themselves, and me, a favor by going back in time to the 1920s, and shifting the fun from England to New York.  Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them???  More like

 Fantastic BOBS and Where to Find Them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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oh man, 2 girls with 2 bobs +1 me = aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawoooooooooooogah!!!

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and even though this lady is hellish, her bob is heavenly!!!

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who’s ready for a night out of sexily bobbing for bobs???

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I mean, who doesn’t love a good bob? Everyone wants to touch one!

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OK, ok, so bobs are great and all, but what about the movie itself?

It’s magical – cause they do magic, but it also has gotz its share of problems, like – what exactly is going on here, and why should I care about any of this? 

Newt Salamander (Eddie Redmayne, who’s acting style in every movie apparently consists of him and his awkward tunasalad lips, keeping his head down, and then picking his head up, scene after scene after scene after movie after movie after movie.  dude must have neck issues after all this acting in movies!!!)

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comes from England to New York to be a nervous nellie and like round up beasts or something, but in the process, unleashes beasts on a non-understanding muggle (who in the US are called Non-Majs, or something.  wish the movie took a larger stance against Nicki Minaj, and be pro-Non-Minaj) world  

One Non-Maj (Dan Fogler – editor’s note – I worked with him once, a zillion years ago, and he’s a super awesome guy, and I root for nothing but success for him, and he deserves it, cause he’s funny, and awesome – and you will love the ping-pong movie he was in if you never saw it) super-gets caught up in this mess, but cause this isn’t Harry Potter, the guy gets to stick around, and bob it up with two American magic hottie sisters (Katherine Waterston and Alison Sudol) trying to help dumb-dull-bore Newt be less dumb, dull and a bore

But there’s a bunch bumps in their path to success (and I have no idea what they’re looking to succeed in) – like magic hater Samantha Morton and her minions like Ezra Miller, who has a man-bob!

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and the magic congress of something or other isn’t pleased with Newt and the sisters and the Non-Maj’s tomfoolery, and there’s also something not quite right about Colin Farrell 

And there’s also something not quite right with the CGI of the beasts – they look really CGIy, and dumb.  Anytime the beasts were on screen, the movie was far from fantastic.  The rest of the time, where the magic people and the Non-Maj were maj-ging it up, it was kinda sorta close to fantastic, sorta kinda!

To be honest – the Harry Potter movies were fine and kinda fun, at the time of viewing them, but in retrospect – they kinda juss a big bunch of meh (the exception is the 3rd one).  I feel like this new franchise will be more of the same, BUT, cause these new movies will mainly involve adults, and no dumb schooling, and is un-stuck to the dumb Hogwürst school year structure, it has a chance to be something else, and perhaps something special.  The magic isn’t in question – we can take the tricks, juss please bring on the treats… and even more bobs!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

You can Find the Beasts arrived at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Earthlinguistics

Arrival
More Talk, Less Rock
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 116 min

arrival

Aliens have arrived!  In pod shaped pods all over the globe!  But they don’t speak English or Russian or Chinese or any language with an alphabet.  So how can we communicate with them before we lose patience and destroy them????  

Enter linguist Amy Adams, Earth’s only hope at understanding what their inkblot Rorschach test writings are trying to tell us, so we can determine whether they are friend or foe!  But translating an unknown language is hard!  And takes time!  BUT WE DON’T HAVE TIME!!!  Military guy Forest Whitaker is growing weary by the second!!  CIA guy Michael Stuhlbarg is being a nebbishy pushy jew, pushing for non-Jewish results!!  The Chinese General Tzi Ma wants to blow them back to where they came from!  (maybe he should blow up all the Panda Expresses while we wait).  But Amy Adams has help – helpful and handsome Jeremy Renner!

Where it goes from there is thankfully non-conventional, a little lot bit Jodie Foster Contact, a little lot bit confusing, and somewhat somehow not fully satisfying (to me), but finishes as a nice looking little alien movie that gives us confidence that Denis Villeneuve can make a good Blade Runner sequel.  Long may you runner!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Arrival arrived at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Jungle Low-Grade Fever

Loving
If Loving You Is Wrong
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 123 min

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Anyone can (basically) get married to anyone in this day & age!  Hooray humanity!

As you know, that was not always the case – not even that long ago, and for white folks marrying black folks, that was definitely not the case in some states of THESE United States of America only 49 years ago!  FORTY-NINE YEARS!?!?!?!??!!

Woah!  WTF USA???

But one Virginia couple’s interracial nuptials set the wrong finally right, when the state said FCUK NO to them, but the Supreme Court said, Virginia – FCUK YOU, and to the couple – FCUK YEAH!!! (and fcuk on, as you please)

The case – Loving v. Virginia – changed everything, but the Jeff Nichols‘ movie about the case and the Loving couple (what a perfect name, eh??) – Mildred (Ruth Negga) and Richard (Joel Edgerton), didn’t really change my world.  Yes, their story is worth telling, but I didn’t really LOVE it.  It was actually kind of boring.  And to be honest, I know the characters get married cause they love each other and they tell us that they love each other, but there didn’t seem to be much love going round in the movie.  Hanson once sang ‘Where’s The Love?  It’s Not Enough!’.  Dude, seriously, where’s the love?  And dude, where’s my czar?

The performances are fine and all – Edgerton keeps his bleached-blonde head down the entire time, and Negga‘s bright eyes are always smiling, not matter what heap of sh!t is heaped upon them, but neither are worth writing home about.  When I wrote my mom a letter after seeing movie, I didn’t even mention their performances!!  

And look, I like seeing comedians in dramatic roles, but Nick Kroll, as a novice lawyer helping the couple, was more distracting than helpful.  He seemed to mold his character and acting style based on the ‘I think he stole his wallet‘ guy from Back To The Future II  – Lester!  And if you’ve seen BTTF2, you know that’s not a compliment

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Verdictgo: high end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Loving has a thin heartbeat a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Passion of The Nice

Hacksaw Ridge
Have No Gun – Will Travel
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 139 min

Sadly this movie is not about Hacksaw Jim Duggan

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Luckily it is about a different kind of an American hero – a REAL American hero… Desmond T Doss!

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Doss was a dude who fought in WWII… WITHOUT FIGHTING!!! OR EVEN TOUCHING A GUN!!!  This is a true story!!!!  And Mr All(White)-American Mel Gibson tells the story the only way he knows how – blood & guts + hope & faith.  Mel, never change.  NEVER!  OK, change, but don’t

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Doss (Andrew Garfield, plus himself) didn’t believe in violence, mainly cause he hurt his brother as a kid, and had a drunk abusive dad (Hugo Weaving, looking A LOT like Homer Simpson… ok it’s a stretch, but I really thought he looked like Homer in this movie)

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But MS-Doss REALLY wanted to help the war effort, without the warring part, and so he enlisted in the army, while trying to remain a pacifist.  Obviously the Army wasn’t having any of this sh!t, and his commanding officers (a not awful Vince Vaughn, and Sam Worthington) basically make him eat sh!t and try to get him to quit, but there aint no quit in Doss, and so Doss goes to war as a medic with no weapon

And guess what – all those who doubted him – don’t doubt him no more when he starts saving their lives on the battlefield!

What a story!  But the movie itself wasn’t anything extraordinary, kinda ordinary actually.  Not bad, but not blammmazing.  Still, I’m glad I saw it on Veteran’s Day, and then ate a cheeseburger afterwards.  I am no hero, but I am All-American, and all for America!!! 

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Eyes Before Thighs: I’m not much of a blue-eyed guy, but Teresa Palmer‘s peepers made me jeepers all over!!

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Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hacksaw Ridge is currently playing at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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