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#FreeLando

Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Poe Man’s Star Wars?
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 155 min

There is 1/3rd of Star Wars: The Last Jedi that works – the return of Luke (Mark Hamill, you bearded ham you!), the further innocence and awesomeness of Rey (who doesn’t feel for or want to feel Daisy Ridley?), and the sneering badness of Kylo Ren (Adam Driver, such a little bitch, but such a PERFECT little bitch).  I dug on that Jedi stuff.  Juss that Jedi stuff alone could have made for a thrilling 1 hr 45 minute movie.  BUT, the galaxy always has room for more, More, MORE, and the powers that be feel the need to shove in things that aren’t necessary, or even make sense in the realm of Star Wars, or just plain don’t work.  Here they are.  Splain and imple!  If there are spoilers below, you be spoiled…

I’m sorry, but I don’t give 9 fcuks about newbie Rose.  She’s the equivalent of a human Ewok, cept that Ewoks are something I’m going to love and remember until I die.  If you don’t think Ewoks are awesome, go screw.  Look, I’m all for equality and having Asian characters, but Rose wilts.  Roses may be red, but I violently say BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

And you know who would make a better female player than Rose?  Princess Leia’s real life daughter Billie Lourd, who rightfully gets more screentime in VIII, but they could have done even MORE with her… like make her Princess Leia’s real daughter in the movie!!  SHE’S ROYALTY, IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD!  WORD!!

Poe Dameron is STILL a dumb and terrible name.  The name ‘Snoke’ is worser, but Snoke the character is even worsererer than the name.  He’s bullsh!t Voldemort.  He’s also bullsh!t in general.  He’s also not menacing, not interesting, not important, and nothing I care to ever remember going forward in my life.  In Jedi, he breaks free of his hologram form, but I wish they put the genie back in the bottle, and then threw away the bottle.  I mean, he looks so So SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb.  When they were creating him, did no one on set or in the CGI office be like – hey, Snoke looks pretty dumb.  I mean, he’s not even as crazy/sexy/gross as that dude in RoboCop who gets doused in toxic waste.  MAKE THAT GUY OUR SUPREME LEADER ANY DAY!!!  

The First Order red guards were cool, but their uniforms look out of place, and a bit familiar – like a cross between Dracula’s armor and whatever this was from this Star Trek: Next Gen ep I’ve never seen

speaking of fashion, seriously, what’s up with these Imperial hats?  NICE WING TIPS!!!

NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

our heroes need to find a mysterious code-breaker who is also a gambler.  I know just the guy!  I got so jazzed that this person was going to be Lando… until they decided to NOT bring back Lando and instead bring in Fred Fenster from The Usual Suspects, who was OK, but he wasn’t Lando. Seriously, WTF do we have to do to get Lando back in movies??  If you combined Poe, Finn, Rose and a zillion other pointless newcomers together – they’d still be 939123938228844848 zillion points less cool than Lando is.  LANDO MAKES THINGS HAPPEN.  LANDO IS COOL AS SH!T.  #FreeLando

look, I’m all for humor in Star Wars, but there’s a little TOO much humor going on in Last Jedi.  But if you ever wanted to see the funniest Star Wars movie ever, well, now it exists!  But c’mon guys, we all love blue milk jokes, but ones with quad-nipples?????  THIS ISN’T MY STAR WARS!!!  MY STAR WARS DOESN’T HAVE QUAD-NIPPLES!!!!

again, I’m all for equality, but how pointless are the female characters Captain Phasma or whoever Laura Dern’s purple people eater is???  Leia/Carrie is great, but they don’t give her much to do… until they decide that she can fly in space.  WTF???????????????????????

oh, and remember how incredible the literal CLIFF hanging ending of Force Awakens was?  well, Last Jedi easily has THE very würstest ending of a Star Wars movie ever.  it boarders on this kinda prequel awfulness…

and finally, it muss be said – Maz Kanata is more offensive to me than Jar Jar Binks is.  Jar Jar is suppose to be stupid.  Maz is supposed to be wise, but is juss stupid.  QUIT THE STUPID STUFF STAR WARS.  Stick to the stuff that works – Jedis and Lando

Verdictgo:  jury is still out in my brain, so for now…  inconclusive 

Jedi aint the last anything, at a theater near jews and white nationalists

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Francophile

The Disaster Artist
Day For Nightmare (2)
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

R | 103 min

Never had seen Tommy Wiseau‘s The Room.  Always meant to, but I guess I failed as a moviegoer to do so before seeing the movie about the making of it – The Disaster Artist.  What James Franco does with the poor-rich material, directing and starring in it, is both a masterstroke and a masterpiece.  It is perhaps one of the best films ever made about making movies.  The horror show will, against all odds, warm your heart, and the immersive, intimate experience will make you feel like you were actually there (squirming, like those who lived thru it).  You cannot escape The Room that Franco & friends (brother Dave and LITERALLY an amazing cast of THOUSANDS!!!) construct before your eyes.  You don’t need to provide a hammer, cause these guys NAILED IT!!!  Oh, hi Mark!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Disaster is perfection at a theater near jews and white nationalists

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Speak Loudly & Carry A Little Cigar

Darkest Hour
Puff, Puff, Pass
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 125 min

How do you like your war movies?  Things that go boom?  Or do you prefer endless talking, in a cloud of endless cigar smoke?  If you prefer the latter, then STEP RIGHT UP to Joe Wright‘s Darkest Hour, which can certainly talk the endless talk, but the movie has zero WALK.  OK, that’s not true – there’s a LOT of walking.  If the Winston Churchill of this movie had a Fitbit on his wrist, he would be so proud by the amount of steps taken by the end of the film 

But would the real Churchill be proud of the performance that Gary Oldman attempts?  LARGE SHOES (and not juss cause Winnie’s overweight), and Oldman can always go larger than life (or shoes), but I didn’t buy it at all.  The whole time watching, me like – is that what Winston Churchill was like?  Some dude in terrible make-up, who’s prone to overracting in order to get Gary his 2nd ever Academy Award nomination???? No thanks  

Also, in this war movie – WHERE’S THE WAR?????  What went on in Dunkirk gets a mention, and when it does, me like – man, I wish I could juss watch Dunkirk instead of this!!! 

Lost in all the blubbery make-up (and the really dumb and cheesy secretary character played by Lily James) are two things I really liked – learning what happened to Neville Chamberlain (a scared looking Ronald Pickup) after he stepped aside for Churchill, and seeing what a restrained Ben Mendelsohn looks like.  He plays King George VI, without much of a stammer, but I loved the performance.  A better acting exercise woulda been to scarp this movie and juss remake The King’s Speech, but with Mendelsohn stuttering instead of Colin Firth.  I mean, they made two Capote movies, and both were great!  They could have named the Mendelsohn one – Gawd Save The Qqqqqqqueeen

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Darkest Hour clocks in today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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