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Baby’s Got Hack

Snowden
Villians, Heroes, Ones & Zeroes
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 134 min

snowden

Edward Snowden and his story must be told, as many times as possible.  It has been told thru the news, endlessly, and then again, personally, in the vital doc Citizenfour, and now Oliver Stone takes his crack, and you’d think it would be all kinds of crackpot-ted, but it’s actually crackerjack!

In fact – Stone’s Snowden is his best film since 1995’s Nixon!  Woah, that’s a long-ass time ago, and yeah, he’s kinda made nuttin but crap since then (although I thighly recommend his TV show ‘The Untold History of the United States‘), but maybe Ollie needed to circle the wagons before he could find himself again – railing against the system, while telling a good story

When watching Stone’s post Nixon output, I kept saying to myself – these don’t feel or look like Oliver Stone films.  They look like sh!t and they feel like a$$.  Maybe Ollie’s done with the 60s and 70s, but we weren’t done with Ollie’s 60s and 70s, but Snowden shows that in the 10s, and with the 1s and 0s, he can make a modern Oliver Stone movie that works, and one that we can be at peace with… while it’s at war, with the world!

As for the movie? Joseph Gordon-Levitt IS Snowden.  If you’ve seen Citizenfour (and you should), you’ll think that G-Levitt nailed it as Snowden.  And Shailene Woodley as his love interest?  She makes things lovely, and interesting, adding well needed humanizing to Snowden’s story, which I didn’t really expect from Stone, or from a spy story that mainly involves keyboards and monitors!

And the rest of the cast?  Outside of Nicolas Cage‘s oddly restrained role as a burned out g-man, Melissa Leo (nice and quiet), Zachary Quinto (forever intense with those eyebrows), Tom Wilkinson (nice Scottish accent!), Scott Eastwood (so glad we’ll have someone that looks like Clint for decades to come), Timothy Olyphant (always a jerk), Ben Schnetzer (keep an eye on this guy), Keith Stanfield (another one to watch), and Rhys Ifans (always a prick, always amazing) all help to shine a much needed light on the darkness that lies behind keeping our enemies at bay

Plus, most people aint gonna see a documentary, so it’s important that thee fictionalized movie gets it right, cause more people will see it, and this movie gets it right, and more people need to see it!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Snowden snowDOES it right, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Rob Peter To Pay Paul Peter

Hell or High Water
Bank Shot
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 102 min

hell-or-high-water-mustaches

Cops!  Robbers!  Cowboys!  Injuns!  Texas!  Dust!  MUSTaches!!!!!!!!!  Captain Kirk with one particularly MUST must MUSTache!!  That crazy actor dude who was banging Sean Penn’s ex-wife playing crazy, and wily, and crazy wily!!  (I mean, can he play anything else?  would you want him to?)

hell-or-high-water

Jeff Bridges with a strange accent but he kinda disappears into that strange accent!!  His partner that sorta looks like my uncle!

It’s the David Mackenzie directed film from Taylor Sheridan‘s script – Hell or High Water!! 

There’s not much hell or water, but plenty of thirsting, for dollars, and doing things right, even if they have to be done in a wrong way!  

The plot is this – two guys rob banks and then re-pay outstanding debts to the very same banks they juss stole from with the money they stole!  It’s like robbing Peter to pay Paul Peter!!!  Woah!!!!  

And man, those Texas vistas are beautiful!

And this girl – Melanie Papalia – who played a hooker – has some nice vistas of her own!

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melanie-papalia-2

melanie-papalia

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

douse Hell with Water, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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About Face

Bridget Jones’s Baby
Meet The Parents
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 123 min

bridget-jones-baby

I was expecting nothing from the movie where Bridget Jones is expecting, mainly cause the trailer was so so so so awful Awful AWFULLLLLLLLL!!  It looked like a dreadful TV comedy of errors, and cheerie-o, pip-pip cheekiness, and thankfully, this third installment is none of that, although the soundtrack was cheesier than the world’s largest cheese sculpture 

Bridget Jones’s Baby finds BJ single again, but this time she and Renée Zellweger are thinner, and they both have a new face.  Bridget was much more charming with the girth, and those puffy red cheeks.  Same with Renée…

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BUT, underneath this new face, today’s Renée Zellweger is still our same ye olde Renée Zellweger (who was like the Jennifer Lawrence of her time).  If you want to imagine the old faced Renée, you can particularly see it in any scene where she’s wearing glasses…

renee-glasses

But for most of the movie she isn’t wearing glasses, but you start to get used to her face, in a way you start to get use to seeing what Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill look like today (which means they don’t look as good as Harrison Ford looks today)

OK, enuff about the face, and more about the actual movie… which stars FOUR Academy Award winners!!!  Joining Zel is former beau Colin Firth, pops Jim Broadbent, and new addition, as BJ’s doc – Emma Thompson, who also co-wrote the script!  Their accolades were not mentioned in said horrible trailer, but their skills punch up a movie that serves as nothing more than a delightful one that women will enjoy today and on cable TV for eons to come

Hugh Grant sat this one out, so the new rival for BJ’s affections is Yankee Patrick Dempsey.  I’m not much of a Dempsey guy.  I left him after Can’t Buy Me Love, and never got McSteamed up by any of his subsequent work.  He’s a good foil for Colin Firth in Baby, which makes the series feel a little new, while dwelling on BJ issues very old.  Plus, we forgot much of what happened in both of the previous movies, cause the last one was TWELVE years ago, so this threequel felt both new and old!  NEWSED!!!

Man, twelves years is a long time.  Last movie we personally saw Zel in was 2008’s Appaloosa and I didn’t even remember anything about that movie, especially the fact that she was even in it.  Had to look it up.  Anywho, we hold too much onto the past, but we need to move on. Renée’s face is what is, and now we’re ready to see it again in Bridget Jones’s Journey To Uranus

By the way, what’s with Jones’s?  Why not juss Jones’??  Didn’t these English people invent English?

And what’s up with Sarah Solemani and how come we’ve never have heard of her???  She’s like a Persian-English Winona Ryder!!!  Adorablezz!!!

sarah-solemani

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sarah-sole

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Jones for Bridget at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Handler Chesley

Sully
Winging It
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 96 min

sully

You know the story – a plane is in mad flying trouble and a mild-mannered pilot with an awesome white mustache lands the plane in the Hudson River with zero casualties.  IT’S THE MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON!!!  (like Moscow Over The Hudson, but less Russian, but in even more of a hurry).  But did you know our dear Captain was questioned after the fact by our government for how he saved lives????  Thanks for doing your job guy, now lets tell you how you did it wrong!!  And did you know that his co-pilot had an equally awesome MUSTache???????

What could have easily been a good Lifetime movie, is an even better Clint Eastwood film (and even better than the fictional downer Flight), even though the conclusion is no surprise, and there’s about 4 minutes of actual story… or so you might think.  Well, every story needs a bad guys, and ours are a bunch of bad white dude investigators from the NTSB.  DAMN YOU!!! YOU ARE EVEN WORSER THAN NKOTB!!!!!

Whatevs, our angel in the sky –  Chesley ‘Sully’ Sullenberger is a fcuking hero above many other fucking awesome heroes, and of course everything’s gonna be alright – CAUSE HOW COULD YOU CONDEMN A MAN WHO SAVED PEOPLE!?!?!??!?  AND DID WE MENTION HIS CO-PILOT (JEFF SKILES) AND HIS CO-AWESOMESZOZ MUSTACHIO???

sully-skiles

I know you think it’s funny that Tom Hanks always gets himself into travel trouble in the movies that he’s in, and that we should never travel with him – but that’s the dumbest thing (and meme) I’ve ever heard.  What, you want to travel with handsome dudes like Brad Pitt or George Clooney?  Those dudes don’t stand a chance.  They’d drown cause they’d be too busy combing they’d hairs!!!  Tom Hanks is the captain – now AND forever.  Those other dudes are just pretty window dressing, or aisle dressing, or middle seat dressing, and they’d not really all that good at acting etiher.  It’s hard to sympathize with beauty.  I’m with everyman Hanks, thru thick or thin, staying afloat or sunk as the Cleveland Browns playoff chances.  Hanks for the memories Tom, now and forever.  Fly us to the moon, or to the bottom of the sea, and we’ll come and see it, no matter what your final disaster destination is

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

Sully soars the unfriendly skies at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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