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Unwanted Poster

scary movies scared the living sh!t out of me as a kid.  so much so that I never ever wanted to watch them, EVER NEVER (I’ve become a little less sissy as the years have passed).  with the rise of VHS in the early 80s, I constantly came across tapes with covers that were so scary, they’ve literally scarred me for life.  here are two tape covers/posters that made me wish I didn’t have eyes as a kid, and STILL creep me out to this very day (although I’m sure the movies wouldn’t anymo)

happy birthday to me poster happy birthday to me

&

microwave massacre

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Portrait of a Serial Stiller

While We’re Young
Fountain of Youth Truths
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 97 min

while we're young

Noah Baumbach cannot be stopped, and I hope he doesn’t, cause he keeps handing us charming little films that charm the little big pants off of us, and sometimes they make us cringe, but in the best possible way.  So what would happen if you took his gruff Ben Stiller Greenberg character, grounded him a bit more (but still let him be crazy after all these years), and then let his inner youth playfulness play out like France Ha?? I’ll tell – you get While We’re Young, which is like Girls, but with girls AND boys AND adults, and it’s like actually watchable (read – not horrible), and thensome and things!

Documentary filmmaker Stiller and producer wife Naomi Watts aren’t having a midlife crisis, but all their friends are having babies (including Ad-Rock Adam Horovitz!!!) and they aren’t, or doing much of anything, so they’re looking for something fun and new.  They find it in hipster extraordinaire couple Adam Driver and Amanda Seyfried.  Driver wants to make docs like Stiller, and Darby makes ice cream.  Stiller and Watts eat them up, take them under their wings, but it’s really Driver and Seyfried who take the ‘older’ couple under their wings – introducing them to a world where bike riding with a dope hat, hip-hop dance classes, VHS movie watching, and tripping balls on ayahuasca are the new normal

Things go well, until, well, they don’t, and Stiller starts to see a rusty lining in his dip in the fountain of youth.  Join them + Charles GrodinBrady Corbet and Ryan Serhant (perfectly playing a douche-wad just like himself) as they search for youthful truths, and adult realities

Oh, and nice Scott Rudin cameo there!!

Verdictgo: MOS DEF Jeepers Worth A Peepers

feel Young at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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STDeez Nutz

It Follows
The F$%king Dead
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

it follows

There’s noting scarier than sexual transmitted diseases – where pleasure brings pain, so what if you got an STD that made you see dead people – dead people that follow you and want you to be dead like them, and the only way you can get rid of them is if you bone another person, and pass on the disease, to free yourself from it??? That is the gist of David Robert Mitchell‘s It Follows, and It happens, so get to It!

It is super creepy (WITH MAJOR HELP FROM THAT AMAZING DREAMY CREEPY MUSIC!!!), but ultimately not all that scary (although Detroit in ruins is pretty scary on its own), but if you dug last year’s Babadook, you’ll dig this.  And if you like super cute chicks, Maika Monroe is a super cute chick!!!

maika-monroe

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Follow It at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Hazzard Us To Your Health

Peace The Forks Out

to

Rosco P Coltrane

roscoe p

&

Albert Maysles

 al maysles

+

Mr Walk Away Renee

Mr Nutella

Laugh-In leader in

Sam Simon

sam simon2

Lynyrd Skynyrd Drummer

no longer the world’s oldest director

Mrs Atlantic Records

Father of Singapore

you didn’t own her cause she cried if she wanted to

he did much

Neil Simon sayer

Hondo

he preserved film

Carr and droven

gave RFK stadium its name

that suave-ass French actor who was in Octopussy

louis-jourdan-

got lost in space

Amadeus ‘tographer

a baller

a baseballer

she had an itch

Minnie majorie

Eastwooder/Juliette’s dad

Meep!!!

that guy!

he rocked!

pet rock

moma Wallenda

may or may not be John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt’s cousin

A&P’s BFF

Commander’s Palace’s commander

he got Mad

a Maniac Cop

dude who knocked out Frank Gifford

Anthony Mason

amason

Jerome Kersey

Jack Haley

he had plans, 9 of them

the King of Concrete

that chick from 24

arty filmster

costumer

Gene Gene The Dancing Machine

gene gene gene gene dancing machine

a big brother who held company

Park rec-er

Three Dog Night keyboardist

Twisted Sister drummer

Toto bassist

didn’t make grave mistakes in architecture

Munich Olympics cool tent guy

no longer Alice

mommy Ditka

daddy Michael Flatley

Hey Jude’s mom

Cynthia-and-Julian-cynthia-lennon-

some funny guy

some cabaret lady

some soul singer

some Cowboy

some actor

some cousin of Anne Frank

he kicked the New Coke habit

new coke

some preacher

some old smart rich dude

some guy in Chinatown

some guy in Crocodile Dundee!!

some Star Trek movie producer

some beer ad guy

the father of the ugly Bill Cosby sweaters

cosby Koos van den Akker

some Rob Zombie actor guy

some creepy skin guy

some Swedish poet

some trumpeter

some tea guy

some Singer who wrote

some window guarding lady

some old love of Fidel’s

Mr Laser Cat

&

Pillsbury Doughboy’s father

doughboy2

doughboy

doughboy3

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Back In Lucas Black

Furious 7 (7 Fast 7 Furious)
Sky Driving & Crying
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

Furious 7 is ultimately the greatest movie ever, but is it the greatest Fast and Furious movie? I don’t think it’s as amazin as #6 was is, and to be perfectly honest, I kinda don’t like the new direction they went in for #7 – more guns and blammo and less cars and jammos.  YES, there is still plenty of car stuff for the motorheads, but when did our Furious crew need to turn into Jason Bourne/GI Joe and play a bunch of Patriot Games????  That kinda dumb suff started when The Rock showed up in the series, but it’s fastly getting even more and s’mores redonkulous.  I mean, wtf is going on here???

rock furious 7

We have a need for speed, not drones and helicopter shoot-outs.  Guess the filmmakers said, well, after #6, we have no where to go but up… in the air.  And yes, there’s a slick ass scene of cars flying thru da air, and another where cars fly thru buildings (AND IT’S ALL AWESOME!!), and anything else you can imagine, and then they threw in a bunch of other over the top stuff which is anything else I guess they imagined… like, hey, we need two pointless bad guys, and we also need a slick-haired Kurt Russell in dis movie for no reason!

kurt russel fast 78

Am I complaining?  No, but we’re about 1-14 robots away from this franchise turning into the digital eye-fcuk-sore that is the Transformer movie series, and I’m not too thrilled about it.  BUT, I am all in, and always will be, until they stop making these

+ their goodbye to Paul Walker was fitting/kind/loving/CG awkward but acceptable, and it is what is, although they totally should bring one of his brothers on board for #8

walkers

+ this new addition is super crazy/beautiful sexy cool

Nathalie Emmanuel furious 7

Nathalie Emmanuel 3

Nathalie Emmanuel 2  Nathalie Emmanuel

+ they finally acknowledged Lucas Black and Little Bow Wow exist in the FF universe!!!

lucas black furious 7

and for #8?  why not go old school and do some sort of Cannonball Run cross-country fun-a-athon???? Tyrese is thighlarious, and they should take more advantage of that, ramping up the laughs and car chases, not the guns and dumbo

furious-cannonball

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Furious air mails it in at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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