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Bettie Page Reveals All
Pin-Up, Chin-Up
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

bettie page

You saw that Notorious Bettie Page movie, right?????  If you wanted to see Gretchen Mol gloriously topless in a gloriously filmed ‘art’ movie you most certainly did!!!  That movie was purty dang good, but we felt it to be rather incomplete -  wondering ‘whatever became of her, post-pin-up daze’???  Yeah, WHAT HAPPENED TO BETTIE PAGE AFTER SHE WENT FROM PIN-UP QUEEN TO WOMAN IN HIDING QUEEN?????  Well, for those thirsting for that ‘what’ (ME! ME! ME! ME!), ‘s doc delivers the answers, in spades AND boobs, and in Bettie Page‘s own words/voice!!!!!  Sadly, the doc itself looks like it was edited by a 6 year old film student using a Commodore 64, but slipshoddiness aside, if you have ANY interest in Bettie or her boops OR boobs, you GOTS to give in and check out Bettie Page Reveals All, for all is revealed, just like the title sez!!!!

VerdictgoJeepers Worth A Peepers

a Page turner opens in NY tomorrow, and elsewhere elsewhen

sorry, gotz to jet, juss thought of something that needs my immediate attention.  now where’s that bottle of lotion and box of kleenexessz???

mol bettie

(Bettie herself rules, but I choose Mol as Page over the real thing every day, ALL DAY!!!)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Jersey Snore

Don Jon 
Off Beat Beat Off 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

don jon

And the most annoying, poorly made debut film by someone we respect, and now don’t fully respect, cause we hated his film so much, film of 2013 is ‘s Don Jon

If you love a movie that revolves around endless internet masturbation (by a character who doesn’t even know how to clear their own browsing history – ZERO REALISM HERE PEOPLES), gratingly AWFUL hammy Joooursey accents (wish I didn’t have ears), endless annoying annoyingness (wish I also didn’t have eyes), that throws away whatever it ‘built’ up in its first 2/3rds for a final third that feels so out place and nothing to do-ish with them first two-thirds that you’ll juss wish this movie were released on any rock from the sun that isn’t the third one

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Love me some Joseph Jason Jordan Gordon-Gerry-Graydon-Levitt-Stein-Berg.  Always felt like he (and James Franco) was to fill the vacuum that Heath Ledger left with his passing.  For the most part, he has come thru, and we relish anything he does, even if it is doo-doo, but Don Juan?  Beyond thunderdome doo-doo.  I wouldn’t wish this film on my würst enemies, and my würst enemies are sports teams from New York and the south, and George Clooney

JG-L plays the title character – a guy who loves the gym, his boyzzz, and picking up sluts, and going to church, and taaaaawwwwwk-ing with horrible Joouuurrrrssssssey accents with his over-acting parents  and .  He also loves his screen sister , but she doesn’t say a word, just plays on her phone and that’s suppose to be funny.  It’s not.  This movie thinks it’s really funny and clever, but it puts the UN in fUNny, and is more like clNEVER

Things get interesting for Jon (but not for us) when  shows up and rocks his world (and destroys our ears with her Joooooororuururusseey accent – that’s worseserererer than everyone else’s).  And then she finds out that he masturbates endlessly, and then awkward funny is suppose to happen, but all that happens is how awkard I felt watching this movie about a guy who beats off.  I beat off.  All men do.  But I don’t want to see a movie about it, especially if it has nothing deep to say about it.  JOing isn’t suppose to be something we think deep about.  It’s actually something we all enjoy doing, but then when the climax happens, it’s best to forget about what juss happened – but sometimes remorse seeks in.  Well, Don Juan is the same, but there’s no climax, and it’s all remorse.  WHY DID WE WATCH THIS???

Later in the movie,  shows up resembling an actual character that we could actually care about, but by the time the focus shifts to her, and away from the other crap that came before it, all wees want is Julianne LESS of anything having to do with this movie

JG-L’s production company is called hitRECord.  He should have hit delete on this whole project

Verdictgo:  Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Donna JOn: if I had to say one nice thing about the movie – I would say that it least it had a lot of hot women in it, like…

Antoinette Kalaj

Antoinette_Kalaj

Don Jon sucks tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Gandolfinish Line

Enough Said 
The Straight Divorcees 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 93 min

enough said

What if Seinfeld‘s Elaine dated Tony Soprano?  WHAT IF??????????   Keep asking, cause you won’t find that IF in ‘s beautifully charming Enough Said, but you kinda find out what would happen if a super-flighty, super-fun  and super adorable, super sweet (FINALLY!)  found love after love with each other 

If the thought of this union isn’t already making your own heart go pitter-patter, than you probably don’t have a heart, or didn’t watch TV in the 90s or 00s.  We hactually teared up a bit towards the end of the film, and even did when we saw the trailer for it the other night.  The trailer tears were induced by the thought of Gandolfini no longer being with us (this is his second to last film ever), but the movie’s tears were truly earned by his and JL-D’s excellent and honest performances  

Naturally JL-D was gonna win our heart, but Gandolfini?  Forever a movie’s heavy heavy, Holofcener lets him go soft, and there’s not nearly gonna be enough said about how great he was in doing so.  This opened our eyes to a new Gandolfini, but this new train aint going nowhere cause there’s no more train to ride.  BOOO TO THE END OF GANDOLFINI SOFT TRAINS.  Oh well, if this is all we have, then this is a delight to cherish over and over  

Co-starring on the fun is Holofcener player  +  (allowed to talk Australian) + that guy  + wise beyond their years youngins  (Bono’s daughter!) and…

Even Better Than The Real ScarJo

tavi 2

Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

say Enough today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Total Re-Cattrall

coming this fall…

Lindsey Gort as young Samantha Jones on the Carrie Diarrheas

Lindsey Gort Samantha Jones

WOWWWWWWWWWSEZERRZSSSZ!!!

coming right now…

me, you and anyone looking at that photo right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gort milk?

gort

she reminds me of a young Julie Condra!

 

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The Pointless Sisters

I’m So Excited
(Los amantes pasajeros)

Bumpy Ride
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 90 min

so excited

YESSSSSSSSS, another  movie!!!!!  Wouldn’t miss it for the world, especially since Almodó has made some of my moist flavorite movies since the inception of this website.  In that time, we’ve been royally treated to Bad Education, Volver, Broken Embraces, and a movie still giving me the heeeebie jeeeeebies two years later - The Skin I Live In.  He can’t miss, right?  Er, um, uh, uh, uh, apparently he can.  NOOOOO!!!  His sex, drugs and rocky & rolly plane dramedy I’m So Excited is about as exciting as going through customs, and is about as straight and narrow as taking a box of puzzle pieces and throwing them into a second box of puzzle pieces, throwing a feather boa around them, and then giving them the dirtiest, sloppiest blow job.  Er, um, what?  Exactly.  Can’t make heads or tailwinds of what this movie’s suppose to be, but what it isn’t is an Almodóvar winner.  It’s a dud (pains me to say), but still a well spirited one.  If only the movie was 90 minutes of  &  doing this.  But it’s not.  If only the movie was 90 minutes of  showering.  Alas, it is also not that.  DRATS

SUAREZ 

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

don’t get too Excited, currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment
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