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Disney Brought Me To My Knees

oh Disney World, what have you done to me (and the Mrs)

4 parks in 4 days equals memories 4 9evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver!!!

Day 1 – Disney’s Magic Kingdom

if you ever went to Disney World as a kid, you probably have memories of it that you dearly hold onto. mainly these memories come from whatever pictures you took with the characters in costume, but they are memories nonetheless, and they are embedded deep into yer psyche

Well, in the summer of 1982, I was Disney obsessed, and especially with Chip n’ Dale. Meeting them was probably the biggest thrill of my life. Did I know that Chip was juss a person in a costume?

me and chip 1982

Do I look like I care that Chip is a person in a costume??? I don’t think I was ever happier (pre-wife), and I always wanted to recapture that magic. ALWAYS. Sure, I went back twice (I think) in the late 80s, and it was ALWAYS magical, but I was still a kid, being a kid, doing kid stuff

Then time passed, I got older, but never got to go back. Don’t know why, but never really had an excuse to… until I got married and found out my lady had never been. BOOM. Within 5 months of marriage, it was off to BestEverEVERland!!! FINALLLY!!!

And you know what, I may not be a kid, but I still want to be, and Disney lets that happen!!!!!!!!!!!

CHIP!!!!!!!!
DALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND DANCING WITH THEM!!!

AND BALOO!!

AND KING LOUIE THE ORANGUTAN!!!

me and king louie

WHO I ONCE PLAYED IN A SUMMER CAMP MUSICAL!!!!

OMG
OMG
OMG
OMG

this really IS the happiest place on earth!!!!!

and you know what? meeting and hugging the characters (who you know are juss dudes in costumes) STILL gives one such an indescribable warm and happy feeling on the in AND outside, at ANY AGE. price of that? PRICELESSS!!! / the price of admission to the parks

and who cares if a lot of the rides are tame and lame and contain creepy robots!!!

long live Walt Disney’s Carousel of Progress!!!

and Sonny Eclipse and his horrible jokes!!!

(although I sadly didn’t get to the Hall of Presidents. NEXT TIME!!!)

they say you can never go back again (or something)

tiki families

BUT YOU CAN!!!!

tiki today

Day 2 – Epcot

Epcot is 2 things – an outdated world of tomorrow, according to the 80s + an around the world place to get drunk, without ever leaving America

oudated future sure, but dude, the geodesic dome sphere thing still inspires awe and shucks!!!
geodesic
bless you geodesic godfathers Walther Bauersfeld and Bucky Fulls

too bad the ride inside of the sphere doesn’t inspire much of anything – even with Dame Judi Dench’s voice as our guide

it’s like a boring ‘It’s A Small World’, STARRING DAME JUDI DENCH’s VOICE!!! they should have made a ride focusing on Dame Judi Dench’s work in that Vin Diesel space movie sequel that no one saw

poor Disney’s future of the 80s

monrail epcot

a future filled with glass pyramids and monorails and lots of oranges that never happened

epcot pyramid
but hey, I’ll take it over it not existing at all, cause it’s like a time capsule of 80s future!! it’s like the closest thing we’ll get to the future in Back To The Future II

whatever you don’t do, don’t do whatever this spaceship ride is
vomit ride epcot
it will make you vomit and crap your pants

DAMN YOU GARY SINISE!!

luckily they have non-Epcotish characters to take the vomit taste out of yer mouth, and poop smears out of your butt
me and pluto

and help you re-live your childhood

and luckily Michael Jackson died and became a saint and everyone forgot that he’s a child molester so Captain EO could live to dance again

CAPTAIN EO!!!

cpt eo

I was so inspired that I’m making my own 3-D movie
3d
it’s called Colonel Flustard – IN 3D!!!

as for the other half of Epcot – the mini-BS versions of other countries – shiz is cool, esp if yer a typical American who probably never leaves the country

this is actually as closest I’ve ever been to Canada!
epcot canada
no joke – I’ve never been to Canada

how bazaar?!
fez
fezzed up, yo!

when in Faux-France
fake fance epciotr
do as the faux-Francos do!

they had this special thing going on where there were like even more mini-countries, offering even more foods and alcohol that people could spend money on!! and people were literally eating and drinking it up and going bankrupt by the country/second. there were teams of drinkers with their own drinking team shirts! somehow we ended up with zero pictures of these revelers, but they were annoying and everywhere, so eff them

anyone up for Sesame Chicken Saturday?
epcot sesame chicken
sesame chicken epcot
where are all the authentic dishes from China, like chicken feet and Cream of Sum-Yung-Gai?

but who wants to eat any of that crud WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A HARVEST DINNER IN A SLOWLY ROTATING RESTAURANT WITH CHIP n’ DALE & PALS!!!!

dale and me

chip and me

although I’m starting to get the feeling that my wife may leave me for Chip

chip wife
no joke. think we may both have to get married to him if I still want to be in the picture

Day 3 – Animal Kingdom

had actually thought about skipping this park altogether, cause I thought it was just a zoo. well, it kinda was, but it was a zoo with lots of Lion King stuff and employess who are Asian and African American. FINALLY!!! THEY FOUND A PARK WHERE THEY CAN CATER AND EMPLOYEE PEOPLE OTHER THAN WHITE PEOPLE!!!!

the main attracion is the safari, which makes you feel like yer in the jungles of Orlando!!!
safari giraffe
too bad yer not allowed to hug these animals

but fret not, they still have plenty of normal Disney stuff like…

CHIP N’ DALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

those bros are totally my bros
me and chip and dale
CANNOT get enuff of them and their hugs

but they aint no bro of Donald!!!

and they have an awesome character breakfast / lunch at the Tusker House Restaurant where you can meet Safari Goofy and Safari Donald and Safari Daisy and Safari Mickey!!!
disney tusker bfast
AND YOU CAN EAT MICKEY TOO!

and they Kingdom even have non-Safari Daisy!
daisy
soon after I met my future wife, I actually told her that she looks like Daisy Duck – not as an insult – like she looked like a duck or something – but that she has hazy beautiful eyes and lashes juss like Daisy (like I said of Emma Stone). they like twins of hotness. Wifey once told one of my friends that I think she looks like Daffy Duck. Not even close. I wouldn’t bone Daffy, but I can and have gotten lost in Daisy’s eyes, juss like I do with my wife’s

MY WIFE!!! SHE A NICEEEE!!!!

Day 4 – Disney’s Hollywood Studios

did we see Chip n’ Dale?
chip dale hollywood studios
DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! had to get in one last set of hugs :) :(

did we buy this shirt? nope. holding out for ‘We named the dog Indiana’
dont call me junior
btw – the Indiana Jones EPIC Stunt Spectacular was totes rad, although my 12 year old self woulda loved it more had I had the chance to go in 1989 which I always dreamt of

did we get to fight Darth Vader or that Jedi who looks like he’s 50?
vader
nope. only kids get to do it. they need to tear down the entire park and start over, making it 90% Star Wars, 5% Indiana Jones, 3% The Apple Dumpling Gang and 1% Condorman

btw – the Tower of Terror was awesome. so was the Aerosmith Rock n’ Rollercoaster too, but why Aerosmith? Couldn’t they make it like the Elton John ‘Circle of Life’cycle or something???

look, I’M ESCAPING NEW YORK!!!
escape from ny

THIS IS SO RACIST AGAINST NEW YORKERS
youse guys
where’s the FUGGETABOUTIT JEW BAGEL SHOPPEEE?

Downtown Disney

whatever you don’t, don’t even bother visiting Downtown Disney – which is basically a crappy mall with lots of Disney crap to buy and restaurants you can find back in the suburbs. It was a clusterfudge of crowds and commerce, not a welcome reprieve of being away from the parks, which is needed!!

But I credit the Disney people for monetizing and branding anything AND everything. You can buy ‘Goofy Candy’ anywhere, and Goofy Candy is basically normal candy with Goofy’s name on the packaging

Somehow me and the Mrs escaped without buying a thing, but we were VERY tempted to at least get one of these

chip dale foods

but c’mon, no Chip chips? or Ginger Dale drink??? C’MON DISNEY!!! THINK!!

oh, and how could I forget to mention my 1st ever Uber driver Howard – who was #77 in the Adam Sandler movie Waterboy + was in Any Given Sunday (although I couldn’t find his name on IMDB under either movie)
waterboy howard uber

man, I really miss Chip n’ Dale. wifey and I think they should open a Disney character dinning restaurant in Times Square, cause we want to eat AND hug them, here there and everywhere

can’t wait to bring my kids to Disney world one day, and the kid still within me

remember – hugs not drugs

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Past Present Perfect

I’m sorry all other birthday presents, but there aint gonna be nothing better than getting a Kenner Star Wars action figure (during the glory years of 1977-1985), as seen below at my 6th birthday party

me star wars toy

while I wouldn’t say that Return of the Jedi‘s Hammerhead figure was or is the world’s greatest, it is still 99.99999% more awesomeer than any toys made today. doesn’t hurt that he ole Hammerhead’s head looked like bacon. I always thought they should have named him Baconhead

hammerhead

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Rookieepedia

meet the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

 

John Boyega as Sando Calrissian

John Boyega

Sando grew up in Cloud City, living under the shadow of his dashing father Lando.  Sick of hearing his father’s glorified stories about the Battle of Taanab and endless late-night partying with Nien Nunb, Sando left home to make it on his own.  Since then, he has become a legendary pilot, and an even bigger scoundrel AND player than his father ever was.  He currently holds 14 death sentences on as many planets, and has won the last 3 World Series of Sabacc titles

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Daisy Ridley as Hope Solo

daisy ridley

When parents Leia and Han tell their daughter Hope that they love her, she always replies, ‘I know’.  But does she?  HOPE so!!!  Hope, like her mother and grandmother before her, is one of the most independent women in the galaxy.  When she’s not getting straight A’s at Coruscant University, she devotes a lot of her free time to the Refugee Relief Movement.  And if she has any additional additional free time, she makes her own bathtub blue milk, from her great Aunt‘s secret recipe.  The force is slightly strong with this one, although she’s only a half-breed, and gets her ‘shoot first’ mentality genes directly from her pops

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Adam Driver as Darth Brooks

adam driver

Not much is known about Darth Brooks, but what is known is to stay the fcuk out of his way.  Brooks employs the rare tri-lightsaber, which can not only slice opponents with ease, but galactic pizzas as well!

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Oscar Isaac as Dweezil Zapple

oscar isaac

When it comes to Jizz music, there no musician more on top of his game than Dweezil Zapple.  Sadly, the rest of the galaxy doesn’t realize that.  Stuck playing coffee shops and bounty hunter bars on remote planets, Dweezil keeps on keeping on, waiting to make a breakthrough.  Sales of his last album weren’t promising, but an opening slot on the Max Rebo tribute band’s latest tour is.  To make ends meet, Dweezil moonlights as a droids dealer.  His most popular seller is R7-D4

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Andy Serkis as Grand Toff Fee

andy serkis

After the destruction of the second Death Star, the Empire was in shambles, until Grand Toff Fee rose thru the ranks and righted the ship.  He is currently overseeing the construction of a third Death Star, and promises that this one will be indestructible, and will not have a shield generator located anywhere near any muppets or midgets

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Domhnall Gleeson as Obi-Thwoo Kenobi

dom

Obi-Wan Kenobi was perhaps the greatest and most dedicated of all the Jedis, but everyone has their faults and weaknessess.  Obi-Wan’s was prostitutes, and he would use the force to force himself upon endless hookers, without paying them a dime or spices.  Well, one of these forced situations, with a Mos Eisley red-lighter named Sxxixty Nyne, resulted in a bastard child that Obi-Wan never knew about.  Nyne tried her best to raise her son, Obi-Thwoo, but being the son of whore didn’t provide much of an opportunity for him, and so she sent him to the Jedi Academy on his 10th birthday.  Obi-Thwoo was a quick study, and soon become as good a Jedi as his father before him.  But apparently he couldn’t escape his genes either – as he got involved in a scandalous affair with Yaddle that threatened to destroy the Jedis forever

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Max von Sydow as Galactic Emperor Vax mon Ydow

max von

Emperor Vax mon Ydow is one of the most malicious and vicious men in the entire galaxy.  He has been known to set up meetings, and then not show up.  BASTARD!!!  One of his biggest priorities as Emperor, besides killing all the Jedi, is to figure out a better system of visual communication other than the ye olde glitchy hologram

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so there you have it.  will this be the bestest Star Wars ever????  probably not, but it will probably be 129393939 billion times better than the last 3 Lucas gave us.  HOOOOORAY!!!!!!!

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