we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2019

and now, for the only awards that matter…

SEXtenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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Greatest Righting of A Wrong In A Movie Franchise EVER

in The Rise of Skywalker when they like, hey Rose, want to join us on this adventure, and she’s like, sorry, I’m busy being buried in a shallow grave by the scriptwriter!!!  EAT IT ROSE!!!

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The 10th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of Please Go Away You Annoy The Living Poop Out of Me Over-Acting Actor, How Are You An Actor, and In Every Movie? Award

Lucas Hedges

(a make-up call for previous years of annoying the crap out of me)

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Popular Movie That Irrationally Upsets My Soul Because There Is Nothing Special About It Whatsoever And I’m Still Mad At Riannnn Johnsonn for Ruining My Adulthood With What He Did To Star Wars

Knives Out 

a whodunnit
that who don’t

reveal the twist at the beginning!
so clever Riannn!!
(nice accent James Bond! NOT!!!)

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

TIE! 

with 6 films a piece in 2019

Jim Gaffigan AND Luke Evans

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these damn ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Cardi B’s DDs in the otherwise, somehow unwatchable movie about strippers – Hustlers

The Goldenest Globes

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes EVER

Molly Gordon

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Eyes Wide Closed For Bidness 9ever

aka WÃœRSTEST Eyes EVER

wtf is going on here Alita: Battle Angel???
WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT SCARY FCUKING SHTT!!???

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Hairing Is Caring 

Alec Baldwin’s DeLorean eyebrows in Framing John DeLorean

+

I don’t really love the hair but special mention to all hair things that’s going on in The Beach Bum

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Songs That Execute Better
Than Norman Mailer
Hanging With Cliff Clavin

the ENTIRE soundtrack to The Last Black Man in San Francisco

+

Taron Egerton IS Elton John

Kenny Rogers ‘in’ Richard Jewell

‘Hey Dude’

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

Midsommar / Joker / Uncut Gems / The Lighthouse / Once Upon A Time In Hollywood / The Last Black Man in San Francisco /A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (I cry every time the kids sing to him on the train) / Yesterday / 1917 / Ad Astra / It Chapter 2 (teaser) 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

Overcomer / Shaft / Annabelle Comes Home / Stuber / Fiddler: A Miracle of Miracles / The Day Shall Come/ Her Smell / The Death of Dick Long

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Gustaf Gründgens + Liv Mjönes + Taddeo Kufus

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Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

Nike is from Oregon.  The Goonies was shot in Oregon.  together they were a natural pair-ing of two great American legends & icons

BLESS the folks forever at Red Letter Media

Joe Pesci and David Ferrie RETURN!!

May The Fluoride Be With You

Ullman Are Created Equal

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Movies To Look For In The ‘020

Fast & Furious Presents: Nobbs & Shaw

Tolkien: White Guy

Super Thighs Me 2: Thighs Wide Slightly More Shut

Calendar Man

21 Jeff Bridges

Chris Wallace Is Here

Shazam! The Story of Gomer Pyle

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In Memoriam

too many great names to name
so we’ll just leave it like this

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don’t forget to peep out our ’18, ’17,  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Looper
Top Self
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 118 min

What the frush is a Looper? Oh, you mean a guy from the 2040s who kills dudes sent from the even futurerer future for the sole purpose of getting killed in the past? Got that?  Well, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a looper, and he has big dreams, like retiring and going to France and eating franch fries and franch bread.  But the thing about being a looper is that you eventually have to kill yourself.  Not yourself self, but your future self, in the past.  Killing someone else is one thing, but killing an older future version of yerself in the present is another, especially when he’s so cool and so badass and so Bruce Willis (and NOT so Raven).  And the other thing is when Bruce Willis is future you, he obviously knows the score, and that himself gonna get killed by himself of the past, so he’s gotta be one up on himself, but himself himself of the past is pretty sharp, and NOW WE GOTS OURSELVES A CHESS MATCH BETWEEN THE SAME SELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Got that?

What I just described is the RAWESOME time travelly thinkingerish first act of Rian Johnson‘s fun fun fun 3rd feature film, which follows his overly nutty, overly quirky Brothers Bloom, and his ultra hip ultra noiry ultra cool Brick.  Of course there’s a second act that follows the first one.  It involves a farm, Emily Blunt, and a kid (Pierce Gagnon) who be sorta kinda like the kid in The Tin Drum, without the drum, the child pornography or a mother who eats fish.  As you may or may not know, farms aren’t as cool or as exciting as Bruce Willis squaring off against Levitt Joseph-Gordon, but the farm bits kinda got its own thing going.  Then in act 3, act 2 and act 1 get their acts together [hahahahahahahaha] and it’s like action jackson meets a good M Night Shamalamadingdong movie meets Looper meets evil Mike Seaver meets Emily Blunt trying to sound like a hick, then giving up on sounding like one, then trying to recapture that hick sound, but not really, and it’s kinda mostly all very much so futurepresentsexy cool

what does any of that mean?  LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER!

Oh yeah, and Jeff Daniels is in it, and he didn’t have to be [please note – we love Jeff Daniels]

Thighed Piper: welcome back to the land of hotness Piper Perabo

dude, you get to see her boobs!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Looper goes loop de loop at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…