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Heartbrokeners

Peace The Forks Out

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Tom Petty

Full Moon Fever was the soundtrack to my 1989.  I still lust after the ‘Free Fallin’ girl

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Monty Hall

monty firewe

Monty didn’t get a raw deal [I foolishly always assumed that R.E.M. song was about him, but it was about Monty Clift!], as he was beloved by everyone.  Everyone loves choices and he gave everyone so many.  Sure, there could be a goat behind curtain #2, but sometimes a goat is better than nothing!  When I was a child, my mother adapted Let’s Make A Deal as a birthday party game in our basement for my friends.  Everyone loved to win, even if they got a goat… although my mom didn’t have any goats to give away.  Man, birthday parties in basements with games run by moms is so awesome.  Does that even happen anymore?  Anywho, Monty was the best!

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Morrie of Morrie’s Wigs

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Luc, You’re Our Only Hope

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Luc’s Skywalking, And Everyone Else Is Sleepwalking
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 134 min

After seeing Luc Besson‘s super fun Lucy, I declared that I wanted him to ‘direct all my blockbuster blusters‘.  My wish was beyond granted in his Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, where imagination knows no bounds, and awe and awesome is around every corner!!!  

Sadly, others don’t seem to agree with my sediments, and the audiences have spurned it as well.  This wholly creative cinematic force will die a quick death in theaters, and with that, any hope of a sequel, or the chance of big studios taking other chances on chancy material that isn’t a known commodity.  Well that sucks!  Damn you people!!!  Didn’t you see The 5th Element?  Do you not want more of THAT same, but with a fcuking dope 21st century digital landscape that makes George Lucas’ Star Wars prequels look like Pong???

Do you not want to see a movie that has Rihanna doing this (AND MORE)???

Are these slick-a$$ robots not slick-a$$ enuff for ye???

Do you not want to take your favorite memories of Avatar, A.I., Mad Max, Mos Eisley, The Neverending Story, Moulin Rouge and Contact and have them rolled up into one stellar movie roller coaster that’s beyond well worth the ride?

OK, so they maybe could have found a better Valerian than Dane DeHaan, but he was fine.  And I’m not usually a fan of smelling-a-bad-fart-faced Cara Delevingne, but here, as Val’s girl Friday – Laureline, she’s a woman with more depth and rockitude than anything Wonder Woman womanized!  

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?  YOU DON’T WANT THIS, AND INSTEAD YOU WANT CRAP???  WELL, YOU WILL KEEP GETTING CRAP!!!!  Hollywood will continue to make the garbage that you so rightfully deserve

I believe, and sincerely hope that time will be kind to Besson’s Valerian.  Today’s box office ‘bomb’ will one day turn into a cult classic that we’ll be talking about well beyond the 28th century.  Beam me up, and boo on you haters!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Valerian  soars at a theater near jews and white nationalists (but hurry – shiz is gonna leave theaters ASAP!!)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Gif Exchange

I want YOU to make gifs for the internet, cause the internet and you and me need them.  and thanks to giphy’s handy new Gif Maker tool, you easily can!!!

I made some gifs from this, for this!

cause the world needs em

(or they don’t know they need them yet)
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Gal Gadotting The Eyes

Wonder Woman
Some Kind of Not So Wonderful
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

I was all for Wonder Woman, the character and the actress playing her, but not so much for the Patty Jenkins movie.  lemme explain, in imagery…

there was a land of nothing but ladies and I was all for that.  ZZ Top would be too

but for some reason, all the women had accents like Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky, and it was strange to hear Robin Wright do a Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky imitation 

but it’s all good, cause they descended from Zeus and they tell us their HERstory thru like some pretty cool moving paintings or something

and we follow the growings up of the youngest of this all lady crew – Diana, who’s that super hot Israeli chick from 9 Fast 19 Furious Gal Gadot, and then we’re like ‘Oh, I’ll follow her, wherever she goes!!  Hopefully to like a shower scene!!

but then dreamy Captain Kirk shows up

and when men, and war are introduced, the movie turns into a 1/2 rate version of the first Captain America movie

where our villains are more cookie-cutter than villains made from a cookie cutter

including one that’s like a female version of that 1/2 face dude from Boardwalk Empire (who is the nephew to the other baddie in the movie, Danny Huston)

and these bad peoples are beyond obsessed with gas, but not the funny kind

but before our heroine and her blue-eyed boy friend (he’s a boy, who’s a friend) can fight evil and their gas, she must first hide her sexy costume in the demur WWI-era clothings, so why not a give your fanboy & fangirl audience exactly what they want – a trying on clothing montage!

and then waste more time talking to mustachioed generals (one being David Thewlis, who certainly has rebounded from being in The Island of Dr Moreau), who look like they’re on the cover of Stratego

and then we’re introduced to a set of pointless sidekicks (apologies to actors I truly love, Ewen Bremner & Saïd Taghmaoui, but your characters were cardboard lameness, a breath of hot air, and a waste of everyone’s time – even Wonder Woman’s – she doesn’t need your help!!), including a Native American for no reason (apologies to you Eugene Brave Rock, who I’m sure is a lovely man)

and then it’s like a WWI trench movie, but like the least interesting one you’ve seen

and then there’s more boring stuff that takes like 19292929ever, and then it eventually turns into one giant Zack Snyder bunk-a$$ DC movie, where there’s all this dark darkness stuff, and nothing but destruction, and it sucks a$$$$, and for some reason, our final round bad guy is Sauron from LOTR

and then after all that, the movie is basically over, and I was like, WTF????, was this a movie about Wonder Woman, or like a WWI movie about a bunch of dudes and proto-Nazis, and all of it wasn’t really that interesting, and was actually kinda corny, and didn’t include any shower scenes with Wonder Woman in it???!!!!

Again, I’m all for Wonder Woman, and the actress, but not for this movie.  I know there will be another movie (not including the Justice League one,which looks so retched, I won’t even bother to see it), but can they at least make the next one less manly, less dark, and more showery??? C’mon guys,
this isn’t rocket scientology – it’s a hot chick in a hot outfit, kicking a$$.  Keep it simple, and showery

VerdictgoSum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Woman is not quite Wonderful at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Yes We Kao Kan

Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom‘s Lao Che is a beloved bad guy.  He always gave things a ‘nice try’, and often succeed in his tryings.  But what about his son Kao Kan (played by Ric Young)???  You may not know his name, but I know you know his game – dude is perhaps the happiest, most insane trigger-happy movie character of all time – and he should have won a special Oscar that year for his manic facial expressions.  Well, this may not be an Oscar, but his face-work greatness needs to be celebrated for eternity in gif form.  you’re welcome humanity…

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