Tag Archives: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Ritchie Poormanie

Mistress America
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-Wigging Out (Not In A Good way)
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 84 min


The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
The Mod Squandered
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 116 min

Noah Baumbach and Guy Ritchie have nothing in common, cept they both direct films, and both were born in September (one yearish a part).  Other than that, I happen to see both of their latest cinematic adventures within a week of each other.  But their movies DO have something in common – both were nice tries, but kinda more of the same, but basically near misses, that were kinda enjoyable.  Knowwhatttamean?

uncle man

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. is based off of a TV show that you’ve never seen (and neither of I), but it’s essentially a Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes movie, set in the mod 60s.  It looks cool, zooms right along, but wasn’t much of anything.  But it did have an American playing a Russian, a Brit playing an American and a Swede playing a German!  What doesn’t make sense is how Ritchie used to make dumb fun movies, but with wit and bite.  U.N.C.L.E. had a look, but no wit or bite.  It didn’t have me crying U.N.C.L.E., but letz juss say I’m not camping out for a #2

Btw, I think I’d go gay for Henry Cavill.  I’ve been all in since I saw him on The Tudors, but now, more than EVER!!

mistress america

Noah Baumbach had previously done the impossible – he made the unwatchable Greta Gerwig watchable!!!  See Frances Ha… for more than juss laughs (HA!)!  A second helping of GG and Baumbach has gotta work the same mojo magic again, right?  You’d think, and while watching their Mistress America it kinda feels like it’s working, but in the end, it felt more like a misstepped Mistress!  Nothing felt natural – especially the acting – and none of the characters were all that likable, although I did like meeting Lola Kirke, who seems to be 1202102301320 times more talented than her sister, as seen on Girls.  I really tried and tried to like this movie.  I DID. I want Baumbach to be our new Woody Allen, spewing out New York stories that I want to dive into, but not so fast there buddy.  We’re edging back to reality – where Greta Gerwig is unwatchable.  Still, I’d camp out for what the two do next… as long as she’s watchable

Verdictgo: juss cause I kinda liked both movies, doesn’t mean they’re great movies, so… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Mistress From U.N.C.L.E. are both playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


The Futura Is Now Then

The Grand Budapest Hotel
Pretty Vacant 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 99 min

budapest hotel

I read somewhere recently that ‘at this point in time you either love Wes Anderson movies or you don’t’.  I don’t believe it’s that black & white.  Personally, I love Wes Anderson, but I don’t really love Wes Anderson movies anymore.  After his career apexed with The Royal Tenenbaums, ever since, it’s been nothing but the same sh!t, with slight differences in the ‘plot’ – oh no, it’s love issues, but now it’s with daddy on a boat!  then brothers on a train!  and then there were them two misunderstood kids on an island!  and now it’s longing for the lost love of a hotel’s glory years!  

Wes’ Grand Budapest Hotel feels like his most ambitious film/diorama to date, but the only thing that’s grand is the design.  Grand sets!  Grand costumes!  Grand mustaches!  Grand use of the font Futura!  Don’t get we wrong, Budapest is fun, and mildly funny, and Ralph Fiennes‘ concierge M. Gustave H character may be Anderson’s most fun character since Royal Tenenbaum himself, but as a movie???  It’s not much of a movie.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the movie, cept there’s like 11% more F Murray Abraham!!  Come to think of it, I kinda like the F Murray Abraham bits the most, where he, as our other main character, is collecting dust in the current run-down state of the hotel, and reflecting back on the way it used to be  

I, like Wes, long for the past.  I kinda wanted to go visit that Kutsher’s place, to see what had become of the Borscht-belted Catskill ‘grand’ resort, but I think I missed my chance, as it’s scheduled for demolition.  For Wes, he did get to go back, and invented his own grand hotel with his pink and purple paintbrushes, but to what end?  Longing for something not worth longing for.  It’s a hotel that feels pretty vacant.  Who cares if it looks amazing?

Wes, it’s time to hit the reset button.  Try adapting someone else’s work (again, like you brilliantly did with Fantastic Mr Fox).  You could be an even better Baz Luhrmann than Baz Luhrmann, instead of a Wes Anderson imitator

VerdictgoSum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Budapest is pesty in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Bale & Hardly

American Hustle
Hustle & (Mostly) Blows
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 129 min

american hustle

American Hustle sorta tells the story of the Abscam FBI sting operation that took place in the late 70s/early 80s. Some of the names (and details) have been changed to protect the imbeciles. Some of it is entertaining, but most of it is like one REALLLLLLLLLLY long run on sentence that keeps on going and going and going.  Director  and writer  swing for Goodfellas-ian heights, but kinda blows it like 2001’s Blow – all 70s scenery, but not much beyond the sniffy, sweaty surface.  But oh, those surfaces…


hey, if you’ve always wanted to see 1/3rd of good-too-shoes ‘s boobs (I never wanted to), then this is the boobie/movie for you!

amy adams boobs hustle

or see  smile in a movie, for the first time ever!!!

jeremy renner

or be depressed watching  give his all again (this time with curls!!!), and think about how much bullsh!t it was that he didn’t win best actor Oscar last year for the much better Silver Linings Playbook

curlers cooper

and then watch his Oscar-winning co-star J-bLaw blah us to death with her blah acting and eyes that bore her and we to tears

jlaw eyes

or JO to the thought of a mustache ride from Jack Huston!!!

jack stache

or watch Alessandro Nivola steal the show, in like a grand total of 6 minutes that he’s in the movie

Alessandro Nivola hustle

and look, we all LOVE Louis CK and all, but lets face it, he can’t act

louis ck faces


but nothing and nobody tops Christian Bale as a combed-over, hairy chested, big gutted Jewish dude, who hides behind those tinted shades OH SOOOOO WELLL.  BALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Man, CB is such a fcuking great actor.  So much so that I’m starting to think that the Batman movies were a waste of his time.  Anyone can be Batman (I’m sure even Affleck can’t ruin Batman), and since anyone can, we lost the time that Bale coulda been in other movies, like ones were he coulda played some overly intense mother-effer, who’s quietly ready to explode at any given moment.  Bless you Bale.  May you be ready to smolder at any given moment in a zillion movies to come

bale hustle

Verdictgo Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hustle American’t currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Coen Waffling

Inside Llewyn Davis
That Darn Cat
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 105 min

inside llewyn davis

I don’t get it. I get that this movie’s about an unlucky folk singer named Llewyn Davis, who’s an amazing musician, but can’t catch a break, or even a cold, but beyond that, what’s it all about Coeny Bros? No, seriously, what is this movie about?  Cause to me it’s about NOTHING.  Is it a tribute to some real forgotten folkie named Dave Van Ronk, who had an album called Inside Dave Van Ronk? Apparently so. But what do we learn about him or his faux self? NOT A FCUKING THING. And what do we care about in this movie? Not much. Sure, we sorta want success to come to Llewyn (a superb ), but the bleak tone sez it aint in the cards, so why should we care?  The only thing we sorta care about is the cat (or cats) Llewyn lets inside his life.  But a movie about caring for cats, that’s well shot, and has a slickly-produced T Bone Burnett soundtrack, and not much else really isn’t much of anything.  You keep thinking that it may turn into something, being from Joel & Ethan, but if anyone else made this movie, people would be totally WTFing this movie instead of BS praising it.  It’s beautiful, but forgettable.  We already forgot about it.  It makes Todd Haynes’ cryptically dreamy I’m Not There look like a fluid dose of reality.  Don’t go Inside.  Go outside and do something else

VerdictgoSum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Llewyn is currently strumming in select theaters

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Float Hopes

The Airless Up There 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 90 min


Love love love love love love love the space (and the fakery to make it look real) stuff goings on in ‘s Gravity.  Don’t really love anything else about the movie.  It’s boring.  It’s characters are lame () and smug and annoying ().  There’s too much Murphy’s law being practiced.  There’s not enough aliens.  There’s not enuff space breasts.  There’s not enuff penetration of Uranus.  There’s a lot of tension, but it didn’t really make me feel all that tense.  Maybe it’s cause I was over-filled with udder delight & joy that George Clooney died in space!!!!!!!  SPOILER ALERT.  ooops.  oossps.  Being stuck in space is actually one of my biggest fears (even though I LOVEEEEEEEEEE space), but I didn’t fear what was going on in this movie 1 bit.  Why?  I dunno, I can’t really explain why I didn’t react to something that I probably shoulda had a reaction to.  Maybe it’s cause I could give about minus 15 sh!ts about Sandy Bullock and her troubles on earth and above.  This movie is no 2001, it’s no 2010 even, it’s certainly no Children of Men, and it’s kinda like a better SpaceCamp, but maybe not.  Sure, it’s beautiful and breathtaking, but it’s also beautifully & breathtakingllllly airless and dull

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Gravity is grounded at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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