Tag Archives: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Joyless Luck Club

Crazy Rich Asians
Can’t Buy Me Love or Entertainment
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 121 min

I didn’t read the book Crazy Rich Asians (I’m into non-fiction, not made up malarkey), but I always like a good love story, and the one between Rachel Chu (Constance Wu) and Nick Young (Henry Golding) is a good enuff love story, albeit a pretty typical one (commoner finds a prince, who so happens to be crazy rich, so differences must be overcome – AND THEY DO!)

But the rest of the movie?  Pomp(us) and circumstance that is Baz Luhrmann-Gatsby-esque, but is hardly AS fun, and sadly, zero funny, which is what the movie sorely needed.  Sure, there’s ‘comic relief’, in the form of a raunchy playboy (‘Silicon Valley’s Jimmy O. Yang), Rachel’s BFF (Awkwafina), and her BFF’s dad (Ken Jeong), but nothing comes across as comical or a relief (which is not hard to believe, considering how un-funny Ken Jeong is) 

All we get is cartoony side characters who hardly make a mark, and worse, a yawn-y ‘evil’ mother (Michelle Yeoh) with stares more icy than these icy stairs.  You can’t please her!  And in turn, the movie didn’t really please me 

It’s a hard to believe that Jon M. Chu, who directed both the THIGHly entertaining Step Up 2 The Streets AND Step Up 3D, couldn’t make and shake and bake moves with this material.  It’s not really rich material to begin with (we need more Joy Luck Clubs, and less of this), but I’ve seen more entertaining Hallmark movies with 1/128929292929th the budget

Count me out for the sequel.  I’ll stick with the original crazy rich Asians

Verdictgo: the lowest Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges possible

Rich Asians are pretty mild at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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2 Vast, 2 Laborious

8 Fast 8 Furious (The Fate of the Furious)
The DEFLATE of the Furious
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 136 min

Welcome to 8 Fast 8 Furious!

(previously – #4 / #5 / #6 / #7)

And so long my unquestioned love of the Furious films!

Wait, what????

Yep, the Fate of The Furious may have sealed it’s fate by reaching a point of no return.  It may NEVER be able to return to the days of pure dumb fun, and may just keeping going (of course it will keep going), minus the fun – aka, pure DUMB

HOW IS IT SO??!?!??!?!

I dunno, but when did our beloved hot-head car racers turn into SEAL Team Six meets G.I. Joe????????????????


is this picture from 8 Furious or G.I. Joe? is there even a difference??

Why do they have to stop Bond villains from stealing bombs, on ice???


is this picture form 8 Fast or that awful Bond flick Die Another Die?

When did it become the Fast crew’s job to do things above their pay grade, and above what they really need to be doing – which is juss drive cars, fast, and impress fast hot chicks!  

And when did the bad guys all become fairytale cyberterrorists???

WTF Fast and Furious?  

And where did the humor go?  Sure, Tyrese has some good lines (one in particular, when trying to read Cyrillic Russian), and Jason Statham makes cute baby talk, but whoever is writing the one-liners should be given a one-way ticket to be buried alive.  What, was the guy who wrote the Running Man screenplay buried alive and not available?

Is this what happens with Paul Walker’s character walks away??  You have to go bigger and worse???  Or you have to have more scenes of talking, and less scenes of driving???  I mean the remote controlled car scene was INSANE, but, what is going on here?  Maximum Overdrive IN OVERDRIVE????

I mean, I feel that the road we’re headed on – 9 Fast 9 Furious will find our beloved crew saving the Earth from aliens!!!!  

and of course I’ll be there to witness it.  juss please make it fcuking good.  PLEASE!! and dump the stuff that doesn’t belong that is making Fast seriously slow

Verdictgo: the lowest that Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges goes

I am furious at Furious, currently at a theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Manchester Divided

Manchester By The Sea
All Pain, No Gain
Official Site| Trailer & Mo
R | 137 min

Manchester By The Sea???

MORE LIKE MANCHESTER BY THE ZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZzZZzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

amirite?  I am!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Mansnoozter currently zzzzzzzzzzzzz

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Ford, Have Your Directed A Movie Lately?

Nocturnal Animals
Whatturnal Whatttttttttt????
Official Site| Trailer & Mo
R | 116 min

If David Lynch had his name attached to whatever Nocturnal Animals is, then we’d all be saying – woah – this David Lynch movie is pretty slick!

But it’s a Tom Ford movie.  And what does that mean?  We only have one movie to compare it against – his debut, A Single Man, a movie I apparently liked a lot, but the only thing I can remember about that movie were those Michael Caine 60s glasses that Colin Firth wore

And what will I remember about Tom Ford’s second movie?  I dunno, it’s a book within a movie, and reality and fiction are blurred, or something?  Or that Amy Adams is dolled up like an anorexic sexy raccoon? Jake Gyllenhaal still has crazy eyes, but they’re not crazily as used or as good as they were peeping in Nightcrawler (the movie you should see in lieu of Animals)?  There’s a bunch of really really really REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY obese naked women dancing in the opening credits?  Michael Shannon looking like the Marlboro Man?  Aaron Taylor-Johnson sounding like he’s trying out a Texas twang for the first time ever as an actor?  Isla Fisher is sorta in it?  Armie Hammer is also sorta in it??  OR THAT EVERYONE IN THE MOVIE (besides Isla Fisher) HAS BLUE EYES????  

I dunno, there’s something to this movie, but I can’t put my finger on it, and the ending was an open ended ending, and while I sometimes like things left open ended, this was a movie that needed a definitive ending.  The end! (for me and this movie!)

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Animals needs to be tamed – at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Ritchie Poormanie

Mistress America
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-Wigging Out (Not In A Good way)
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 84 min

and

The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
The Mod Squandered
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 116 min

Noah Baumbach and Guy Ritchie have nothing in common, cept they both direct films, and both were born in September (one yearish a part).  Other than that, I happen to see both of their latest cinematic adventures within a week of each other.  But their movies DO have something in common – both were nice tries, but kinda more of the same, but basically near misses, that were kinda enjoyable.  Knowwhatttamean?

uncle man

The Man From U.N.C.L.E. is based off of a TV show that you’ve never seen (and neither of I), but it’s essentially a Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes movie, set in the mod 60s.  It looks cool, zooms right along, but wasn’t much of anything.  But it did have an American playing a Russian, a Brit playing an American and a Swede playing a German!  What doesn’t make sense is how Ritchie used to make dumb fun movies, but with wit and bite.  U.N.C.L.E. had a look, but no wit or bite.  It didn’t have me crying U.N.C.L.E., but letz juss say I’m not camping out for a #2

Btw, I think I’d go gay for Henry Cavill.  I’ve been all in since I saw him on The Tudors, but now, more than EVER!!

mistress america

Noah Baumbach had previously done the impossible – he made the unwatchable Greta Gerwig watchable!!!  See Frances Ha… for more than juss laughs (HA!)!  A second helping of GG and Baumbach has gotta work the same mojo magic again, right?  You’d think, and while watching their Mistress America it kinda feels like it’s working, but in the end, it felt more like a misstepped Mistress!  Nothing felt natural – especially the acting – and none of the characters were all that likable, although I did like meeting Lola Kirke, who seems to be 1202102301320 times more talented than her sister, as seen on Girls.  I really tried and tried to like this movie.  I DID. I want Baumbach to be our new Woody Allen, spewing out New York stories that I want to dive into, but not so fast there buddy.  We’re edging back to reality – where Greta Gerwig is unwatchable.  Still, I’d camp out for what the two do next… as long as she’s watchable

Verdictgo: juss cause I kinda liked both movies, doesn’t mean they’re great movies, so… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Mistress From U.N.C.L.E. are both playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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