sorry kids, we normally dedicate our NFL season predictions and photoshop nightmares to two posts, but we’re on vacation, with little time and no access to photshop, so this thing is gonna be semi-half-assed. apologies, but not really, cause if yer getting yer NFL predications from Thighland, yer obviously not a golfer
It’s hard to pick a team that we love to hate cause they’ve never won a Super Bowl (HAAAA HAAAA!!!) and employ a dog killer, but The Eagles (14-2) should have little problem taking care of the over-injured Giants (8-8), the Garrett-topped Cowboys (7-9) or the ready to not be a disaster, but may be a disaster Redskins (7-9). While we hope that doesn’t happen, we do hope that the Giants do well enuff to continue to keep ole man Coughlin as their joke, we mean coach, and Eli Manning as their joke, we mean QB
A lot of folks are high on Matty Stats and the Lions (4-12) this year, but wethinks these peoples forgots that they’re the Lions and Barry Sanders would rather retire with much gas left in the tank than play for that franchise. The Vikings (5-11) won’t be that much better off with McScabb leading the charge, but stranger things have happened… like his ability to sometimes NOT throw passes into the ground. How much longer will the Cutler diabetes experiment last in Bears (8-8) land? Probably about as long as his engagement. If The Packers (11-5) can’t win the division, well, then they don’t deserve to win jack sh#t. But they have Jesus in a helmet and you don’t f$@k with the Jesus… in a helmet
The South is where it’s at. It’s kinda like what the NFC Beast used to be, but with warmer locales and smaller TV audiences. But the limelight matters not to the division that will send its champ, The Saints (12-4), and two Wild Cards, The Falcons (11-5) and The Bucs (8-8), to the pay-offs. That leaves The Panthers (2-14) to wallow in their own Cam Newton poop, which will be like the second-coming of that other roar-less Auburn Tiger, Jason Campbell. Lets say the Panthers were the most stacked team in the league. Even if they were, we’d still pick them to finish last. That’s what they and their horrid jerseys and color scheme deserve
Someone has to win this, right? Aint gonna be the Tarvar-is-not Jackson led Seahawks (5-11), the we got Andrew Luck’s coach and will want the actual Andrew Luck next year, we wish you luck 49ers (4-12), and shockingly, not the Brads/Spags Rams (4-12). It’s all about Kolb, who will be hotttttb and his Cardinals (9-7) will sorta look like the team that was in the Super Bowl a few years back. Maybe. Either way, we pray Kolb’s lady of interest doesn’t look like Kurt Warner’s wife
#3 Pack Attack
NFC Champs: Philly will go far, but New Orleans will show them that hurricanes are more sympathetic and less pathetic than redeemed dog killers
The Jets (7-9) can walk the walk, but they’re too much talk, and Dirty Sanchez’ dirty diaper smelling play will have em crawling back to mediocre-ville. Plaxico won’t add a shot in the arm, but more shots in the pants. BANG! SNAP!! The Dolphins (4-12) will not sirprize, but thinking the Bills (8-8) might, which will make the Buffalo Jills and their fans’ nipples hard. Just thinking about it is making our nipples hard! That leave the Patriots (12-4) to do what the Patriots do, win a lot, making Boston fans even more annoying, and making the rest of us even more annoyed at the annoyingness abound
We predict that the North will be the tightest division in the NFL this year. Punching bags like the Browns (8-8) and Bengals (8-8) will end up being punchy instead of punch-lines. We know, that sounds recockolous, but then again, so does naming a planet Uranus. And yet Baltimore (9-7) and the Steelers (9-7) will remain the belles of this ball, and both will return to the playoffs… where the Ravens will still be unable to get past the Burgh. Speaking of, the Eagles fans may be the worst, but the Steelers fans are the lamest. All of them became fair weather fans in the 70s and now there’s a new generation of them after their past decade of goodness. Them losing the Super Bowl was one of the best things to happen. Moral? Rape never wins
The giant question mark that is Peyton Manning’s health, and thus making a possible Manning-less Colts (8-8) dolts could make this division a little less snoozy-Q than usual. Will this finally be the year when the doors go thighs wide open for the Texans (10-6)? Yes! If not, it’s time to rename them the Oilers and spread the derricks everywhere like it was Bayside High. The Jaguars (5-11) and The Titans (4-12) will do nothing that anyone will remember, so don’t try and remember the Titans or the Jaguars, just the Alamo and WENN
Hate this division, so they get the least of our choice words – The Chargers (11-5) will bolt to the top of the division again, but the Raiders (8-8) won’t be as far behind as you think! That leaves the Chiefs (7-9) and Broncos (4-12) to wonder what if… what if Norv Turner ever used Accutane???
#1 Pats me balls
#3 Texans, Houstons
#4 The Burgh
#5 Ravens, Nevermore
#6 Derrrr Raiders????? why not
AFC Champs: in a total snooze-fest, Omar Epps will have his Steeler boys ready and able to take out Norv and his perennial playoff loser Bolts
Super Bowl: New Orleans 31, Pittsburgh 21
Super Bowl MVP: Drew Brees, again
Fantasy Outlook Shazz
Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Tim Hightower, Jimmy Graham, Kyle Orton, Reggie Wayne (he’ll still do damage, regardless of who his QB is), the Ravens D (soft schedule) and Nate Keading (duh)
Wees Hates He: Jets offense, Matt Forte, whoever the Saints’ kicker is, Giants D (whatever’s left of them), Sam Bradford and Percy Harvin
Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: AJ Green, Greg Little, Beanie Wells, Chris Cooley, and Cool Chrissie
and juss cause…
for the longest while, we used to start our day with CNN or ESPN playing in the background as we made ourselves look pretty for the day, but lately we’ve turned our dial to TBS to watch Saved By The Bell (in SD, since we don’t like to watch SD content stretched on a HD TV, and you should feel that way too, you heathens). do we really need to explain why, hispecially since children of the 80s and teens of the early 90s will remain friends forever with Zack, Screech, AC, Kelly, Lisa & Jessie???? duhvs bar of dope!!!!
but what about those who didn’t become our friends forever? them kids who didn’t move from Indianapolis to Bayside, and were held back with Ms Bliss when the show was retooled and landed on NBC????
like Nikki Coleman/Heather Hopper! she’s been so out of the loop that she doesn’t even have her own Wikipoopia page! we dug up these photos of her, when she co-starred in some booby Elvira crapsterpiece that probably went straight to the trashcan
these days, we bet she sniffs glue or dirty butts, in and around her new adopted country of Iceland. her favorite food is probably canned peaches and she enjoys a good game of Hungry Hungry Hippo… maybe?
or what about Mikey Gonzalez/Max Battimo? losing the role was heartbreak hotelness for him, but he channeled that anger into hockey, and instead of playing hockey, cause obviously he’s no Cindy Crosby, he’s refereeing it!!! [a really good read] go MIKEYYYY!!!!!!!!
bet when he gets pissed at people who make fun of him, he says, ‘PUCK YOU, FARGIN ICEHOLES!!!!!‘
or what about The Max owner/master magician Ed Alonzo? he still kickin the pullin rabbits out of his a$$ bidness. was even a consultant on Michael Jackson’s This Is It tour!!!
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!
anyone with les internets and a penchant for Saved By The Bell wiki info probably already knows that there was ANOTHER set of kids in Ms Bliss’ classroom, who were also left behind (like Kirk Cameron???)!!!! David Silver (Brian Austin Crotch Grab Green), Urkel (Jaleel White) and the dearly departed Jonathan Brandis were all in the original Ms Bliss pilot???? WTF?!?!?!?! how come no one told us this b5?? see fo youself!
perv-iously on the Bell: Faped By The Bell
still looking for this dead site: Steve Urkel Ate My Balls
and as Dizzy Gillespie epilepsy rages, the people have spoken petitioned and struck photoshopped back! Think the Lufthansa heist was the biggest con job of all thyme? Spinks again folks, cause nothing pete bests blowing £400,000 on a logo that was created in 7.58 minutes, and inspired by the fashions at Bayside High…