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Superprime Number Crunching

The Big Short
The Rooting of All Evils
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 130 min

the big short

Movies about the subprime mortgage crisis are either boring, too wordy, or juss not all that good (or all three).  Luckily Adam McKay‘s cinematic take on Michael Lewis‘ book The Big Short: Inside the Doomsday Machine is none of the above, although it admits to its audience that it is very wordy, but tries its best to put all the money talk into layman’s terms for us by breaking the 4th wall

We all know things didn’t go quite well with our economy in 2007, but did you know that there were some dudes who saw it coming and profited from it, by betting on America failing????  Yes, it’s true, although some names have been changed to protect the profiteers. And so you sit there, and you root for the dudes to make money by America losing!  You know that bubble’s gonna burst, and they do too, and we want them to win, cause what’s a movie if there are no heroes?  The big shots in The Big Short aren’t really heroes, but compared to the villainous big banks and the clueless government officials not seeing what troubles lie ahead, they are our heroes

We don’t need another hero!!!

Yeah, but if these smart money dudes are played by the likes of Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Finn WittrockJohn Magaro, and even a subdued Brad Pitt, who’s gonna root against those dudes???  

Come to think of it – the casting is super genius.  I mean, actor-wise – OBVIOUSLY, but lady-wise – BLAM.  You’re a guy, and you want to see a movie about economics and how you gonna sell that on your lady (or boyfriend or left hand or whatever you finger bang)?  Uh, honey, there’s a movie with Brad and Ryan and Christian in it.  Wanna see it?

So fcuking money, and you DO know it

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Short comes up Big at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Movie About Movies That Wasn’t There

Hail, Caesar!
What The Hail???
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

hail caesar

You sit there watching the Coen BrosHail, Caesar!, and you think to yourself – this is cool – they love old Hollywood, I love old Hollywood, they’re totally doing right by old Hollywood, and as the movie snappily moves along, you start to realize that nothing is really going on, and you’ve laughed MAYBE twice during this comedy, and by the time that Joel & Ethan’s name appear on screen to kick off the end credits, you start to question what in the film is there to actually hail?

It seems like the Coen Bros invested more time on casting, or OVER-casting (Josh Brolin, George Clooney, Alden Ehrenreich, Ralph Fiennes, Jonah Hill, Scarlett Johansson, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, Channing TatumAlison PillChristopher LambertFred MelamedPatrick FischlerDavid KrumholtzFisher StevensAlex KarpovskyClancy BrownRobert PicardoDolph Lundgren and Michael Gambon‘s voice), than they did trying to construct a fluid movie.  They have ideas – WAY too many of them – and they’d maybe work if they were short films, but together as one long film – it’s juss a bunch of loving valentines with no heart

What I don’t REALLY understand, like I also didn’t REALLY understand with Inside Llewyn Davis, is if this stuff is based on reallife stuff, then why do the Coen Bros bother to fictionalize it into fluff?  They would be better off actually making a movie about the real players, instead of trying to impress us with their impressions.  It’s a waste of their talents, and a waste of our time

I mean, they obviously put a lot of thought into the movie, but I juss didn’t think too much of it.  Less is more.  They needed less of most of it, and more Alden Ehrenreich.  He gets a hail + the sets + Josh Brolin’s tuff gruff + the double dip of Tilda Swinton

Trumbo captured a similar time and themes in Hollywood, but it lacked the professional polish the Coen Bros gave Caesar.  Maybe the Coen Bros should have made Trumbo, instead of trying to make a movie that makes you feel like a sad trombone after watching it

Hail YEAH!!: it’s been awhile since we highlighted some movie hotties.  so here’s two that need hailing!!!

Natasha Bassett

Natasha Bassett

Natasha Bassett 3

Natasha Bassett eyes

Natasha Bassett 2

&

Emily Beecham

Emily Beecham

Emily Beecham 2

Emily Beecham 3

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Caesar is a mixed salad today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Twilight Drearies

The Revenant
Useless S. Grunt
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 156 min

How do you like your Leonardo DiCaprio?

Bearded?

the revenant

Frozen?

frozen leo

Speaking in Injun talk AND in grunts?

leo grunting

Drooling?

drool leo

Raped?

raped by bear leo

well, you get ALL these Leos in Alejandro G. Iñárritu‘s latest zero funfest, that’s more endurance test, than enjoyable movie going  

Yes, welcome to The Revenevavnaveananenanenenananat!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, the backgrounds are beyond beautiful, and the injuns are cool and creepy, and YES, the story is kinda sorta true (which ALWAYS makes a movie instantly more interesting)

but NO to everything else

I mean, the fur trapping and wading in water was kinda cool at the beginning, but that all ends and it pretty much becomes the Tom Hardy is a giant a$$hole show, and you can barely understand what he says, even less than when he was Bane, and he’s being chased by Leo, who is tyring to be less understandable.  So it’s like a revenge pic, an endlessly mumbling one, and you juss keep waiting and waiting for the revenge, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

YES, the beards and snow are wicked cool, but NO thanks to the rest

I mean, I guess if one good thing comes out of the pain and snoring – Leo will finally gets his elusive gold man

leo oscar

leonardo oscar

oscar leo

Verdictgo: for the scenery only – Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers. for the snoozyery, meeeeeeeehh – Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

The Revenant revs its engine and frozen beards at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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