Tag Archives: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

2 Legit 2 Quidditch

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
School’s Out Forever!
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

YES!!!!! Finally, a Harry Potterverse movie without children!!  No more pencils!!!  No more books!!!  No more teacher’s dirty looks!!!! And most spankfully – no more dumb Quidditch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what does a Harry Potter-less movie world look like?  Well, for one thing – they done did themselves, and me, a favor by going back in time to the 1920s, and shifting the fun from England to New York.  Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them???  More like

 Fantastic BOBS and Where to Find Them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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oh man, 2 girls with 2 bobs +1 me = aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawoooooooooooogah!!!

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and even though this lady is hellish, her bob is heavenly!!!

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who’s ready for a night out of sexily bobbing for bobs???

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I mean, who doesn’t love a good bob? Everyone wants to touch one!

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OK, ok, so bobs are great and all, but what about the movie itself?

It’s magical – cause they do magic, but it also has gotz its share of problems, like – what exactly is going on here, and why should I care about any of this? 

Newt Salamander (Eddie Redmayne, who’s acting style in every movie apparently consists of him and his awkward tunasalad lips, keeping his head down, and then picking his head up, scene after scene after scene after movie after movie after movie.  dude must have neck issues after all this acting in movies!!!)

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comes from England to New York to be a nervous nellie and like round up beasts or something, but in the process, unleashes beasts on a non-understanding muggle (who in the US are called Non-Majs, or something.  wish the movie took a larger stance against Nicki Minaj, and be pro-Non-Minaj) world  

One Non-Maj (Dan Fogler – editor’s note – I worked with him once, a zillion years ago, and he’s a super awesome guy, and I root for nothing but success for him, and he deserves it, cause he’s funny, and awesome – and you will love the ping-pong movie he was in if you never saw it) super-gets caught up in this mess, but cause this isn’t Harry Potter, the guy gets to stick around, and bob it up with two American magic hottie sisters (Katherine Waterston and Alison Sudol) trying to help dumb-dull-bore Newt be less dumb, dull and a bore

But there’s a bunch bumps in their path to success (and I have no idea what they’re looking to succeed in) – like magic hater Samantha Morton and her minions like Ezra Miller, who has a man-bob!

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and the magic congress of something or other isn’t pleased with Newt and the sisters and the Non-Maj’s tomfoolery, and there’s also something not quite right about Colin Farrell 

And there’s also something not quite right with the CGI of the beasts – they look really CGIy, and dumb.  Anytime the beasts were on screen, the movie was far from fantastic.  The rest of the time, where the magic people and the Non-Maj were maj-ging it up, it was kinda sorta close to fantastic, sorta kinda!

To be honest – the Harry Potter movies were fine and kinda fun, at the time of viewing them, but in retrospect – they kinda juss a big bunch of meh (the exception is the 3rd one).  I feel like this new franchise will be more of the same, BUT, cause these new movies will mainly involve adults, and no dumb schooling, and is un-stuck to the dumb Hogwürst school year structure, it has a chance to be something else, and perhaps something special.  The magic isn’t in question – we can take the tricks, juss please bring on the treats… and even more bobs!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

You can Find the Beasts arrived at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Earthlinguistics

Arrival
More Talk, Less Rock
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 116 min

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Aliens have arrived!  In pod shaped pods all over the globe!  But they don’t speak English or Russian or Chinese or any language with an alphabet.  So how can we communicate with them before we lose patience and destroy them????  

Enter linguist Amy Adams, Earth’s only hope at understanding what their inkblot Rorschach test writings are trying to tell us, so we can determine whether they are friend or foe!  But translating an unknown language is hard!  And takes time!  BUT WE DON’T HAVE TIME!!!  Military guy Forest Whitaker is growing weary by the second!!  CIA guy Michael Stuhlbarg is being a nebbishy pushy jew, pushing for non-Jewish results!!  The Chinese General Tzi Ma wants to blow them back to where they came from!  (maybe he should blow up all the Panda Expresses while we wait).  But Amy Adams has help – helpful and handsome Jeremy Renner!

Where it goes from there is thankfully non-conventional, a little lot bit Jodie Foster Contact, a little lot bit confusing, and somewhat somehow not fully satisfying (to me), but finishes as a nice looking little alien movie that gives us confidence that Denis Villeneuve can make a good Blade Runner sequel.  Long may you runner!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Arrival arrived at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Passion of The Nice

Hacksaw Ridge
Have No Gun – Will Travel
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 139 min

Sadly this movie is not about Hacksaw Jim Duggan

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Luckily it is about a different kind of an American hero – a REAL American hero… Desmond T Doss!

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Doss was a dude who fought in WWII… WITHOUT FIGHTING!!! OR EVEN TOUCHING A GUN!!!  This is a true story!!!!  And Mr All(White)-American Mel Gibson tells the story the only way he knows how – blood & guts + hope & faith.  Mel, never change.  NEVER!  OK, change, but don’t

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Doss (Andrew Garfield, plus himself) didn’t believe in violence, mainly cause he hurt his brother as a kid, and had a drunk abusive dad (Hugo Weaving, looking A LOT like Homer Simpson… ok it’s a stretch, but I really thought he looked like Homer in this movie)

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But MS-Doss REALLY wanted to help the war effort, without the warring part, and so he enlisted in the army, while trying to remain a pacifist.  Obviously the Army wasn’t having any of this sh!t, and his commanding officers (a not awful Vince Vaughn, and Sam Worthington) basically make him eat sh!t and try to get him to quit, but there aint no quit in Doss, and so Doss goes to war as a medic with no weapon

And guess what – all those who doubted him – don’t doubt him no more when he starts saving their lives on the battlefield!

What a story!  But the movie itself wasn’t anything extraordinary, kinda ordinary actually.  Not bad, but not blammmazing.  Still, I’m glad I saw it on Veteran’s Day, and then ate a cheeseburger afterwards.  I am no hero, but I am All-American, and all for America!!! 

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Eyes Before Thighs: I’m not much of a blue-eyed guy, but Teresa Palmer‘s peepers made me jeepers all over!!

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Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hacksaw Ridge is currently playing at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Cloak & Swagger

Doctor Strange
Mind Over Marvel
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

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Prior to seeing this movie – this is what I knew about the comic book character Doctor Strange… nothing!  Well, I knew what he looked like, and figured he was guy who had a doctorate in something, but I didn’t even know if he was a good guy or a bad guy or even if he was a Marvel or a DC character.  Well, after watching his origin story – I now know who Doctor Strange is, and what he’s all about, and how I want nothing more than 894391293193 more Doctor Strange movies starring Benedict Cumberbatch.  BENEFCUKINGDICT CUMBERSNATCH!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT!!!

But, I only want to see Benedict Cumberbatch do his Strange things – solo, and not alongside the Hulk or Spidey or Captain America or Iron Man or Ironweed or Scarlet Fever or Hawkeye Pierce or Trapper John MD.  While I like SOME Marvel movies, I’m sick and tired of the crossovers and seeing the same dudes over and over and over and under and over, and not doing anything really new, or interesting, or newly interesting.  This Doctor Strange movie felt different from the rest of those Marvel movies, from tone (it was like a real movie!), and to universe (more mystical, less comic-al).  What goes on feels miles away from all that Avengers jazz, which to me, is juss a bunch of loud noises.  While the Avengers dudes destroy buildings, the Doctor Strange folks bend and fold buildings!!!

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I’ll take bending/folding buildings over destroying them 9999999999999 out of 9999999999999 times

This movie was cooler and made more sense than the other building bending/folding movie – Inception.  EAT THAT CHRISTOPHER NOLAN!!!!

So, what more do you need to know besides Cumberbendi and bendi-buildings?  Mads Mikkelsen is the sh!t?  If you didn’t know that already, you SADS Mikkelsen!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Doctor Strange plays at a normal theater near you

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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(To Be) Young, Omitted & Black

Moonlight
This Boy’s Life In Three Acts
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 110 min

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I usually don’t start these reviews by displaying the movie’s poster, let alone TWO posters, but not one picture can fully capture what’s going on in Barry JenkinsMoonlight – a tale of a(n African-American) boy becoming a (gay) man, told in three acts, like these posters can!

Act I was fantastic.  The boy – known as ‘Little’ (Alex R Hibbert) – is too shy to even speak – speak about not fitting in with the other boys, or what’s going on/wrong with his strung-out mom (Naomie Harris – trolling hardcore for Oscar bait, but I didn’t take the bait).  He finds solace in the hands and home of a drug dealer with a heart of gold (an incredible Mahershala Ali) and his beautiful lady friend (the beautiful singer Janelle Monáe, making her screen debut)

Life moves on… to Act II, which perhaps is even more fantastic than Act I was, where ‘Little’ now goes by ‘Chiron’, his birth name.  This high school version of the boy is still a fragile egg, but at least he has a better understanding of how the world works… apparently working against him.  His mom’s even more of a mess than before, and he still can’t fit in with the boys, cause he likes boys, but not ready to let that part of him out.  This version is played by Ashton Sanders, who holds the weight of his character’s sh!tty world mightily on his shoulders.  Sanders reminds me a lot of another up-and-comer – Keith Stanfield.  I’d love to see the two in a movie together (but not a buddy-cop one)

The third Act, where our boy is now a man, and goes by the name ‘Black’ (the 50 Cent-looking Trevante Rhodes), is important to the character’s arc, but not nearly as interesting or impactful as the previous two acts.  He finally comes to terms with who he truly is, and reunites with a former classmate, who we’ve also seen grow alongside him in each act (this final iteration played by the forver smiling André Holland).  It’s nice to see the two find peace with themselves and one another, but this final act is basically watching one long slow-a$$ scene of two dudes having dinner in a diner

Moonlight certainly shines, but could have been a bit more brighter, and a bit more fuller than the waxing gibbous that it ultimate is

Worth checking out – Jenkins’ previous feature/his debut – Medicine for Melancholy

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Moonlight rises, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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