Tag Archives: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Mulholland Driven

Maps To The Stars
A Fine Line Between Glove & Hate
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

maps to the stars

If you ever wanted to see what a David Cronenberg Mulholland Drive would look like, you gots it in his Maps To The Stars, a tale of nasty Hollywood players and their hidden secrets and desires spilling all over each other.  There’s washed-up and vulnerable actress (Julianne Moore), who’s haunted by her dead mom (Sarah Gadon), but finds renewed hope in new assistant/burn victim (Mia Wasikowska), who’s back in town after many years away, and about to wreak quiet havoc on her self-help guru dad (John Cusack), mom (Olivia Williams) and bitter teen star brother (Evan Bird).  Add in Robert Pattinson as a hunky limo driver + a lot of movie talk + a lot of creepiness, and everything goes wrong, and it feels (mostly) oh so right.  Incest is best, but it’s the würst, and Mia Wasikowska and Evan Bird are the bestest!!!!  EVAN BIRD!!!

evan bird

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Creepers

Stars get geographic currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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May This Force Be With You

Kingsman: The Secret Service
Posh Spicy
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 128 min

My litmus test of dumb-fun movies goes like this – is the movie in question as dumb and as fun as the amazingly dumb-fun Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle is/was?

Last up for the test – Lucy, which passed with flying colors, and dumb-funness!!!

Next up for the test – Kingsman: The Secret Service.  result?  PASS WITH BRITISH FLYING COLORS!!!!!!

kingsman

Colin Firth is mad game.  So is Michael Caine (although he wasn’t really needed) and Mark Strong too (being subdued for once), and even Samuel L Jackson (who adds a lisp to his usual one note acting – WHAT A STRETCH!!!), and so is newcomer Taron Egerton (guess they couldn’t get Jack O’Connell)  

You should be game for it too!  It’s like dumb James Bond, but fun!! It’s like a dumber-funner Layer Cake, a less dumb/more fun Kick-Ass, and a less awesome/more actioned X-Men: First Class.  What do those last 3 flicks have in common?  They came from the British king of dumb-fun – Matthew Vaughn (who took over that role from Guy Ritchie)

But the REAL reason you should see this movie?  Mark Hamill is in it, and while he’s not particularly amazing in it, or even all that memorable (he mainly juss makes a bunch of grunting faces), he is in this movie, and when’s the last time you saw Mark Hamill and his face in ANY movie, on the big screen? 2001’s Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back??  Some things are best left unseen and unsaid

hamill kingsman

Well, Mark will walk skies again this winter as Luke Skywalker, and whether the new Star Wars is simply passable, good enough OR amazing (please lord, we need this to be amazing), you may not be ready to see him again, but you need to be ready

kings hamill

It’s been so long since he’s been on the big screen, and that you and/or I have cared to see him on a big screen, and it is in your best interest to see him on the big screen ONE time before Star Wars drops.  You need to refamiliarize yo’self with his face and acting.  You want the shock and awww shucks to happen now, and not when you’re trying to take in the new Star Wars, while trying not to jizz in yer pants(/get to be disappointed all over again:)

hamill kings

Kingsman – so much dumb fun, and hispecially some Mark Hamill.  Welcome back Mark!!!  The big screen misses you.  We all missed you!!!  And now we’re ready for you to be a force to reckon with, again 

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Kingsman firths it up today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The March of Times

Selma
(Mostly) Down With The King
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min

selma

How has there never been a full length feature film made about Martin Luther King Jr, before Ava DuVernay‘s Selma marched onto the scene????  HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW????  I know Spike Lee wanted to make one, and I’m sure Spielberg did too, and anyone else who has a brain in Hollywood (about 4 people), and yet none got made.  And so we have/are stuck with Selma, which is a good start, but certainly not the greatest, for a man who deserves greatness.  Selma is such a small, albeit important, part of the King legacy, but for a movie mainly about him, don’t we want to see the complete picture?  The rise AND the fall?  The march on Washington and the assassination in Memphis????  There aren’t 20 Malcolm X movies, but the one we have is definitive.  It tells the whole story.  Who’s gonna bother now with a whole King movie?  Throne alone!

Well, we got Selma.  Its got some good (David Oyelowo as King is a royal treat, and so is his MLK Jr stache, and the costumes, and the other stuff), but it also has some whateves.net (like it be mad dry and boring at times – several times! and Oprah, why do you have to be in movies????  you add nothing to everything cinematic!  stay behind the scenes and just throw your money at movies so they can get made!!  and what’s with all the British actors playing Americans?  it’s like letting James Bond being played by a Yankee – and I aint talkin bout Derek Jeter).  But we got Selma, and it’s alright.  We shall overcome this!  Maybe we won’t, but we all have dreams

but will never undercome for such hotness as…

Carmen Ejogo

Carmen Ejogo

+

Tessa Thompson

tessa thom

tessa 3

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Selma blairs at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

ebony

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Lies Wide Shut

Big Eyes
Pretty (Brutal) As A Picture
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

big eyes

Margaret Keane made some pretty freaky looking art in the 60s – you know, those ones with them kids with giant scary eyes. Well, apparently during the height of the paintings’ fame and fortunes, it was her husband, Walter Keane, who took ALL the credit for creating them, while Margaret kept a blind eye and muted mouth, perpetuating the lie.  Eventually she had had enough of the lies, and Walter, and went public with the truth.  Tim Burton‘s Big Eyes tells this story, and while I guess it’s a story that should be told, it’s not an enjoyable one to listen to whatsoever

Big Eyes is zero fun to watch.  That doesn’t mean that Burton didn’t do the job visually – in fact, the 60s hazy glow, and Keane’s painting all shine bright (and worth most of the price of admission), but the story behind the easel is juss too much to deal with.  But if you’re super into Christoph Waltz being a smarmy jerk to Amy Adams for slightly over and hour and a half, then stare wide at Big Eyes!  (and listen to Lana Del Rey’s amazing song!)

Verdictgo: very very mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Eyes blink currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Charles Dance Off Pants Off

The Imitation Game
The Code Less Traveled
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

imitation game

Everyone is gay for Benedict Cumberbatch.  So when Benedict Cumberbatch plays a gay guy, does everyone get gayer than all these people???  YESS!!!!

In The Imitation Game, Bennie Cumby plays Alan Turing, the godfather of computers, and the man that broke the Nazi Enigma machine code, and shortened WWII by II years.  WHAT A GUY!!!  But he was gay, and being gay back then was not all that, like being gay is now all that.  He couldn’t wear feather boas in the streets or see Can’t Stop The Music in theaters, and ultimately it cost him his dignity and his life.  WOAH!!!

The movie is his story – becoming gay, going gay for Maths (love how British people call it ‘Maths’), then going gay for cracking codes and saving the world, then juss being gay, and getting in trouble for it.  SO GAY!!!  But all this gayness doesn’t make for a super gay movie – it’s actually a pretty straightforward tale of men (and a woman – Keira Knightley) at war and trying to end it – and it’s good stuff – juss nothing super gay that will make you shoot rainbows out of your butt

BUTT – Charles Dance – cinema’s greatest modern screen a$$hole (a SAG-HOFer) – gets to be a screen a$$hole to a cocky Cumberbatch.  I could watch them go at it ALL DAY (not in a gay way, but yes, also in a gay way).  Sadly, they don’t go at it all day, so I guess I’ll hope for Imitation Game 2 or juss a 2nd pairing between the two (although the two have been in 2 other things together but not sure they shared the screen at the same time)  

I mean, who doesn’t want to see a Benedict-Charles dance off pants off???

cumerbatch dance

charles dance lets dance

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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