Tag Archives: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

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Spider-Man: Homecoming
The Kid Stays In The Picture, And Then The Picture Strays From The Kid
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

Somehow it took five Spider-Man movies to get us to this point – a sixth movie that FINALLY gets Peter Parker right.  Tobey Mags and Andrew Garf were fine and all, but they didn’t seem like a teen doing teeny things.  They were already too old to be properly naive and out of their depths.  Tom Holland makes for such a perfect PP that he will now forever be Peter Parker in my mind’s thigh.  YOU GO LIL TOM HOLLAND!!

They may not have gotten Aunt May right, but they definitely have gottzen Aunt May HOT!!!!  UM HELLO Marisa Tomei.  why aren’t you and your tight clothings in every movie???????

and while the high school stuff was super great (the very non-actory Jacob Batalon as Peter’s BFF felt refreshing), and Michael Keaton as Birdman/Condorman/Johnny A$$holely was a pretty good bad adversary (with a nice lil twist with him in da plot), there were some stuff that I didn’t care for whatsoever…

like the forcing of Zendaya and Donald Glover into this movie.  She serves no purpose in this movie (BUT MAYBE IN FUTURE ONES!!????), and Donald Glover was only in it cause he and the internet wanted him to be Spider-Man years back, and so you have to give him and the internet what they want, right???

And the real reason there’s more Spider-Man, even though we really don’t need more, is not only cause it’s easy $$$ to make, but really to drag poor Spidey into the web of the rest of the existing Marvel cinematic universe, and therefore render the kid into another cog of the already waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too bloated Avengers posse

This Spider-Man movie excels when it focuses on Peter and Spidey, but gets muddled and repetitive once Robert Downey Jr‘s ironic Tony Stark and lame lackey Jon Favreau rear their ugly heads here there and everywhere in this picture  

By the time the smoke clears at the end of the movie, after yet another gigantic battle with too many explosions and public property destruction, you no longer feel like you’re watching a Spidey movie – just another brick in the Marvel wall.  Tear down that wall!!  These superhero movies are losing their super-ness.  Spidey Homecoming felt like a step in the right direction, only to arrive at a destination we’re sick of visiting

Cool end credits though!

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spidey senses tingle a bit at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Jail, Caesar!

War For The Planet of The Apes
The Great APEscape
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

If War For The Planet of The Apes is the final film of this current, modern Planet of The Apes saga cycle, then director Matt Reeves and co-writer Mark Bomback ended things on a fitting, and very high note.  Sure, War wasn’t nearly as grand or as great as Dawn was, but a lovely finish nonetheless to a refreshing set of movies that started with Rise, and hopefully leaves the door open for more simian sensations in the years to come

I don’t have much of a problem with anything that rages on in War, but it seemed like less of a War and more of an escape from prison flick, wrapped in Apocalypse Now, wrapped in a giant pile of snow.  Come to think of it – Dawn was more of a War Apes movie, and War is more like an Escape Apes movie, which should not be confused with my personal favorite Apes movie of balls thyme – 1971’s Escape From The Planet of The Apes

OK, so I’m gonna complain a lil bit… but when our beloved Caesar (motion-capture maestro Andy Serkis) [spoiler alert] gets captured in this new movie by the latest human menace nemesis Woody Harrelson (who I thought would be terrible in this movie, but he actually made it work), I don’t understand why he doesn’t take out the king of the apes right then and there.  He lets him live, and in turn, give his fellow apes in bondage hope.  Look, I get it.  If he kills Caesar in the middle of the movie, then it wouldn’t make for a good rest of the movie, but I dunno, maybe spice things up a bit?

Well, they did spice things up a bit.  They give us an adorable mute human girl (Amiah Miller) taken in by the apes, who’s like Aliens‘ Newt for a whole new generation!  And that plate faced orange ape Maurice steals the fcuking show and rocks the fcuking house being all smart and sensible and sensitive and juss all around awesome!!!  Oh, and we get a NEW talking ape (Steve Zahn), who’s like the perfect comic relief for a movie that doesn’t have much to laugh at or relief from endless violence!

This new saga covered the Genesis and Exodus of the apes, but where do we go from here?  Planet of The Apes: Leviticus!!!

Verdictgo: high end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Go ape for Apes today at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Rolling (Young Han) Solo

Baby Driver
iPod Racing
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 113 min

Lets face it – Edgar Wright isn’t THAT great of a director, but man, does that guy certainly try to direct the fcuk out of his movies, and man, does he sure like to have fun, and hopes that you will too.  I’ve sorta had fun seeing all of his films (he’s definitely good at ideas and decent at humor), but I have only truly loved one of them – Hot Fuzz. I didn’t LOVE love his latest – Baby Driver – but it was certainly fun (and more fun but not nearly as good as the seriously driven Drive was), and it was certainly better than all of his other (non-Fuzzy) films that juss weren’t quite there

Had Baby Driver been directed by someone else, say Guy Ritchie or Matthew Vaughn, or even the the Wachowskis, this could have been something momentous.  Ritchie or Vaughn could have made it more polished, and taken the tongue with the cheek, instead of juss being mostly a wagging tongue.  The Wachowskis failed with Speed Racer, but I think they would have soared with the keys to Baby Driver.  Directed by Edgar, the film felt not quite Wright (the car driving scenes in particular didn’t seem overly fast nor furious enuff), but as a whole, it was better than OK, and that’s… OK, cause I really liked the main character – A LOT!  Juss wish the presentation was more presentable, + all the side attractions needed more traction to them

Speaking of the man and the man who played him – Baby Driver IS Ansel Elgort‘s young Han Solo movie.  A finalist for the role he didn’t get, Elgort does super fine as a slick and cool maverick pilot (of a car) flying/driving into the heart of danger, and coming out of it each and every time barely alive, but even slicker and cooler than he was before!  He even wears a jacket that’s very Han-y Solo-ish

Dude – Baby Driver IS Ansel Elgort As Young Han Solo The Movie!!!

But what about everything else?

The movie is all about the soundtrack, and while there are some choice cuts (‘Harlem Shuffle’, Blur’s ‘Intermission’, the Beach Boys’ ‘Let’s Go Away For Awhile’), a lot of the other choices were either too obvious, kinda forgettable, or didn’t match the speed of the car/action.  If I ever made a movie, and had a car chase in it, I would certainly use Gnarls Barkley’s ‘Run’.  But I’m probably not going to make a movie, so I’ll juss be critical of people who do make em!

loved the Michael Meyers mask joke, juss wish it wasn’t ruined for me in the trailer

Lily James is a peach as baby’s babe, but maybe a bit too syrupy sweet

Kevin Spacey somehow doesn’t chew enough of the scenery as you think he would

Jon Hamm is likable, and then becomes detestable – and who wants to endure an unlikable Jon Hamm?

Jamie Foxx – I dunno what he was, but I could barely understand any of his lines of dialog, so he didn’t really register with me

Speaking of a foxx…

HUBBA BUBBA YUBBA HUMMANANA HUMMMMMANA AY DIOS MIO 

Eiza González!!!!!

Verdictgo: juss enuff to make it a Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Baby goes into overDriver currently at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Postmetheus

Alien: Covenant
Fassbender²
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 122 min

I returned from 2 weeks away in Italy, and after a night of attempting to reset my biological clock (it didn’t work), the next morning, the only thing I wanted to do (besides laundry) was see the new Alien movie – Alien: Covenant.  But I think I forgot to brush up on Prometheus before seeing it.  Oooops.  Kinda woulda helped!!!

Speaking of Prometheus, why did everyone hate that movie so much?  Cause the humans were dumb and did dumb things?  Well, what would you have done on a planet you’ve never been too????  Also, who wants to see a movie where smart astronauts avoid getting killed?  Aren’t the Alien movies all about watching humans getting killed by aliens in the most horrific ways possible??? And did everyone forget about how scary and captivating the movie was, and how there was an alien in our hero’s body and she c-sectioned the thing the fcuk out of her and it literally was like the most insane thing ever??????????????

Anywho, Covenant is the next prequelish chapter in Ridley Scott‘s continued attempt to properly resurrect the franchise, while raising new big questions, and introducing us to new dumb humans (welcome Billy Crudup!)  Luckily, the smartest ‘man’ in the room remains Michael Fassbender, and… Michael Fassbender.  No spoilers here, but lets just say, double the Fassbender, double the twisted fun!  And while the new crew includes a nice mix of actors from Demián Bichir to Danny McBride (not as comicy reliefy as you’d think), you know this one’s gonna be all about some short-haired lady, who’s probably going to have a high survivability rate – hello Katherine Waterston!!! 

Yes, hello!  Waterston seems to be in everything these days, but I would say any movie where she is wearing clothes, is a failure, cause she can totally be in a movie without clothes [NSFW]

But there’s something about her in Covenant that doesn’t exactly click, and we don’t feel for her, like they way we did for PrometheusNoomi Rapace.  Oh yeah, whatever happened to her?????  And what’s up with the white engineer dudes?  And the black goo?  And this and that?  

Covenant has more to say than Prometheus, but I don’t necessarily think it’s AS good – but remember, I really liked Prometheus (and you probably didn’t).  The day after seeing the new one, I revisited the Prometheus and I like it more now than I ever have!!!  I mean, again, c’mon, the good doctor gives herself a cesarean section and the thing that comes out of it sucks on one of those white engineer dudes and becomes a fcuking insane alien!!!!!  WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT???  There are aliens in this Alien movie, and we sorta now know how they came to be, and how we came to be, and it’s both beautiful and unnerving, and these are prequels making us think – not making itself STINK

VerdictgoJeepers Worth A Peepers

Covenant agrees with you at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Buttered Kaiser Roll

The Exception
Outside of Prussia, With Love
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 107 min

Whatever happened to Kaiser Wilhelm II, the last Emperor of Germany??  Never thought to ask this question, but glad David Leveaux‘s The Exception gives us an answer (wrapped in a love story of sorts)!

After World War I came to an end, so did the Kaiser’s rule over his homeland.  He left Germany for good and lived in exile in nearby Netherlands starting in the 1920s.  The film begins in 1940, with Wilhem (Christopher Plummer, relishing the role and facial hair) and wife Victoria (a forever sneering Janet McTeer) holed up in a lovely Dutch estate, Huis Doorn.  While they fine drink and dine, Europe begins to unravel under the Nazi menace.  When Holland comes under their rule, the former Kaiser does too

Enter too cool for school soldier Captain Stefan Brandt (Jai Courtney), who has been assigned to watch over Wilhem at the estate.  He doesn’t seem to love his assignment, or life as a Nazi, but duty is duty.  Luckily there’s a looker in the maid’s staff (Lily James), and within 3 seconds of meeting her in his private quarters, he’s having his way with her privates.  OH SNAP!!

Turns out, she’s no simple maid, but a Jew!  And maybe a spy!!!  Oh my!!  What’s going to happen???  Will they continue to have sex, even though she’s a Jew and he’s a Nazi, AND fornication between the grounds’ staff is strictly forbidden???  Can Captain Stefan ignore the Kaiser’s bad-mouthing of Hitler and his horrible henchmen, or will he report his loose lips to Berlin?  What’s gonna happen when Heinrich Himmler (Eddie Marsan) comes to dinner?  Will he ask K-Willy to come back to Germany and be a monarch once again, like he and the wife have been dreaming of???  WHAT WILL HAPPEN????  Oh my!!  OH MY!!!

While the romance seems a little forced upon the proceedings, the Kaiser stuff and eventual spy intrigue that plays out held my attention til the end.  Sure, it was a little hard to root for main characters who were anti-Semitic at heart, but it’s not a rule, just THE EXCEPTION to the rule!!! (get it???)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

make an Exception, currently on Direct TV, and in a limited theatrical release on June 2nd

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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