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Stranger Danger Things

A Quiet Place
Shush, Money
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 90 min

Imagine if Jim Halpert took over Schrute Farms, and instead of being so cocky and talky, he had to keep silent (CAUSE LIKE ALIEN BUG THINGS HATE NOISE AND WILL KILL THINGS THAT MAKE NOISE!), and be in a movie you’d expect M. Night Shyamalan to make – and that is what A Quiet Place is!!

Never did I expect a movie directed/co-written/starring John Krasinski to be THIS good.  His directorial debut left much to be desired.  Never saw his follow-up, cause I never thought much of his non-Jim talents.  BOY WAS I WRONG.  I’m sure you were/will be too! 

JIM!!!  FROM THE OFFICE!!!!  AND HIS REAL LIFE WIFE (Emily Blunt) PLAYS HIS WIFE!!  AND THEIR TWO KIDS (who aren’t their real kids) ARE INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG Millicent Simmonds and Noah Jupe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND THAT FARM!!!  

MAD BEETS CORN!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

A Quiet Place can be found at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Tree of Virtual Life

Ready Player One
Props Culture
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 140 min

At the close of last year, I bemoaned that The Post was material not worthy of Spielberg’s talents.  He’s a great history teacher, but I prefer him as a science(-fiction) professor.  Take his Lincoln, his Bore Horse, his Bridge of Thighs (two of which were good movies), and erase his names off of them.  Let someone else direct those movies.  Give me more of his The Adventures of Tintin.  Did you see that movie?  It was STUNNING.  I wanted him to make 239239239 more of them.  He didn’t, but hey, my post-Post prayers have been answered in his big screen version of Ernest Cline‘s Ready Player One book (which I sadly didn’t read, but now maybe should have).  THIS is the kind of movie Spielbergo needs to direct.  This material isn’t beneath him, nor above him – it suits and fits him perfectly like a Power Glove

Spielberg made his mark in the 80s.  Ready Player One is a movie/book love letter to that time, and even to the movies he made and produced (Back To The FutureJurassic Park).  And it feels like a Spielberg extension of the leap he took when he finished Kubrick’s A.I.A.I. was his love letter to Kubrick, and it didn’t feel like a Spielberg movie whatsoever, and that’s part of what makes it such an incredible undertaking and end result.  I mean, look at this!

And with RPO, Spielberg is free of Kubrick’s ghost and essentially makes his own A.I.

Now I’m not going to say that RPO is perfect – it’s not – it does better with the virtual gamer sh!t than it does with the reality real world stuff, and the ending was kind of a meh drop off, but it’s one fcuking hell of a visual ride that must be taken on the big screen.  My jaw was dropping endlessly, and my eyes kept popping out, not believing the unbelievable things it was seeing (spoiler alert – The Shining stuff alone is worth the price of admission).  It’s like a Tintin adventure for the modern and future-modern times.  Most importantly – it just works.  It works, where other films like it should have worked but just didn’t, like Speed Racer, Scott Pilgrim vs The WorldTron: Legacy, Sucker Punch, and even Back To The Future II

And what really worked for me was that it’s a movie that takes place in 2044, but it feels like an 80s movie.  The good guy is our Marty McFly-type (Tye Sheridan, who made his debut with Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life, a visual feast as well), the bad guy is straight out of any 80s movie evil corporate boardroom (Ben Mendelsohn, who should be in EVERYTHING), and the ghost hanging over the whole affair (not Kubrick) is a cross between Steve Jobs and Louis Tully (Mark Rylance, nailing the nerdy awkwardness, kinda like he was Mitch from Real Genius).  Not sure how 80s Olivia Cooke‘s character was, but I love her and her eyes, and it had to be said

Spielbergo, I’m ready for more, player.  So why are you bothering with remaking West Side Story?  Are you too close to George Lucas to touch a Star Wars movie?  You wanna remake something?  REMAKE THE PREQUELS!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Player One is Ready for you today at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

steven arcade2

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Can’t Quit Yer Stalin

The Death of Stalin
Gimme Some Pravda
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

R | 107 min

A movie about Stalin’s death and the power struggle to succeed him that immediately followed, in the quick-witted, biting hands of Armando Iannucci (Veep, In the Loop), with a cast of such funny bone ribbers like Steve BuscemiJeffrey Tambor and Michael Palin (nice name there buddy!)???  Is this going to be a recipe for ironic iron and sickle silliness or what??????????????  It’s more like ‘or what’, but that ends up being not such a bad thing.  It actually ends up being a good thing – a more of an eye-opening historical film about real stuff that most Americans know zero about (I knew like -1 about all of it), than a clever and hilarious funny one that I was expecting

Is it OK to expect to laugh your head off when that’s what you’re expecting from cleverman Armando Iannucci?  I think it is.  Is it OK to wonder why the movie wasn’t all that funny (it has its moments, but not as many as one would think… especially what I was thinking), but it really isn’t all that that funny?  And yet everyone and their mother think it’s the funniest thing since funny sliced bread!

And how can you take a movie seriously, which isn’t probably trying to be serious, but actually is serious and is tackling some ultra-serious matters, when a movie bout Russians is spoken in mostly British accents?  Not a big deal, but it’s kind of distracting

These sound like major gripes I’m griping about, but I think with a little more actual laughs, and some actual Russian accents or attempts at them (c’mon, you don’t want Buscemi saying ‘я морж’??) – this could be a bona fide classic, instead of a nice history lesson with some funny guys in it being restrained from being funny

Lesson learned?  History – yes, more laughs – next time, please!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Stalin LIVES in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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No Place Like THIS Home

Winchester
Rifling & Stifling
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 99 min

A long time ago, I was a giant fan of the A&E show – America’s Castles.  One particular episode about ‘California Dreamers’ introduced me to a house that I never ever wanted to call home, but literally haunted me by just knowing about it.  It was the Winchester Mystery House of San Jose, built, and continued to be endlessly built on and on and on and on by rifle heiress Sarah Winchester, until the day she died.  This is no ordinary house.  It has staircases that lead nowhere, and a door that opens to a 2 story drop, and oodles of twists and turns that defy architecture sanity!!  And the very first time I ever visited San Francisco I forced my friend to drive me to this house so we could tour it.  AND IT WAS EVEN MORE AMAZING IN PERSON THAN WHAT I COULD EVER IMAGINE (even if the tour guide we had was more cheerleader than Vincent Price)!!!  The true mystery is how this house isn’t as famous and as visited as Graceland???!!!??!!!

So when they made Winchester – a movie about Sarah and the house, I had to see it – no matter HOW rotten it was rated.  Well, it was totally NOT rotten, but for a movie about a house that is possibly haunted, they were somehow unable to remotely make a scary movie out of it.  They added some BS stories to make it some sort of an actual story, and even with solid performances from both Helen Mirren and Jason Clarke the result was somewhere between ‘they could have done something better‘ and ‘well, how could they have made a better movie than this when there’s really not much to work from besides the house being big and crazy and creepy?‘  And so, the movie is what it is, and what it is is OK, and it at least gets the word out there that this house exists, and that matters cause there’s no place LIKE this home

Verdictgo: high end(?) Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Winchester ‘haunts’ a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Show Off Me State

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Ad Diction
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

R | 115 min

I was like – no way do I want to sit thru a movie where Frances McDormand is making endlessly farty frowny faces and Sam Rockwell is acting his usual fool self to the displeasure of a farty frowned McDormand.  GOOD THING I DIDN’T LISTEN TO MYSELF AND GAVE INTO THE MASS ADULATION!!!  Martin McDonagh‘s Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri turned out to be exactly what I was expecting and NOT exactly what I was expecting!  I really wanted to hate this movie.  Not sure why I did, but I did, but I couldn’t hate this movie!!!  It was so ebbing good!!  It’s the first Lucas Hedges movie I loved!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Billboards is still posted at theaters near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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