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ALL IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Step Up All In
Sweating To The Newbies
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 112 min

step up all in

DUDE!!!

step up ani3

THEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

step up ani2

TOTALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

step up ani2

STEPPED UP A FIFTH TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

step up ani4

AND WE AND THEY WERE ALL IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEST STEP UP MOVIE EVER!!!!!!!!!!! (maybe) (probably)

[reviews of #1 | #2 DA STREETS | #3-D | Peter Gallagher's Eyebrows Up]

Guess what my favorite modern movie franchise is? DAT RIGHT – STEP UP!!!!! These movies doesn’ts have people with super powers CAUSE THE ONLY POWER THEY NEED IS DANCE!!! And it doesn’t have stupid CG or things than transform, UNLESS YOU COUNT THESE MOVIES TRANSFORMING YOUR LIFE LIKE THEY HAVE ME!!! The only way these movies could blow is if George Lucas took a shot at one and made gungans dance

Do you like fun and being happy? If so, YOU MUST SEE ALL 5 STEP UP MOVIES AND HAVE FUN AND BE HAPPY LIKE ME AND ALL THE PEOPLES WHO HAVE IS BE!!!

Oh what, you want plot?? WELL #5 GOT PLOT!!!! THEY HAVE TO DANCE TO LIVE AND THEY LIVE TO DANCE!!!! AND MAYBE WIN A CONTEST!!! AND FIND LOVE!!!! AND BATTLE AND CONQUEROR ADVERSITY!!!!! AND DANCE!!!!!!!!!!! IN VEGAS!!!!!!

AND MOOSE IS BACK AND BRIANA EVIGAN AND SHE SO CUTE AND HOT!!! AND SO IS THE CUTE GUY FROM THE LAST MOVIEE!!!

moose and crew

AND THERE WAS THIS NEW GUY DAVID SHREIBMAN AND HE WAS LIKE THE BEST!!! HE NEEDS HIS OWN SPINOFF MOVIE CALLED STEP SIDEWAYS WITH CHAD!!!

chad step up

AND THERE WAS THIS GUY STEPHEN STEVO JONES WHO WAS SO BADASS AND VERY MARKY MARK LIKE AND WE WISH HE WAS MARKY MARK!!!

steve steveo

OH MAN, AND THERE WAS SOME CRAZY SHIZ GOING ON WITH THE GIRL THAT WAS IN COYOTE UGLYIZABELLA MIKO – LIKE SHE WAS ALL LIKE HUNGER GAMES AND STUFF AND CRAZY!!!!

izabella_miko step up

step up miko

Please Lord Jesus Moses F Christ F Murray Abraham – if you really the lord, please let there be another Step Up movie. I promise to step up and maybe eat microwaved tunafish

Verdictgo: Breast In Show, duh

get All In before it’s too late

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants

The Trip to Italy
Buono Voyage
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Unrated | 108 min

the trip to italy

Two British guys walk into a restaurant and hilarity ensues. Have you heard this one before? Yep – it was called The Trip, a British TV series, directed by boy wonderful Michael Winterbottom, and starring comedy stalwarts Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon – that was a travelogue of sorts, as the pair made their way thru the English countryside for fine dinning, and fine banter, and endless laughter for anyone who watched it. The TV series was edited down for America into a marvelous little movie, and it was surely a Trip well worth taking

Well, the trio of blokes are back, but this time they’re indulging in pasta in The Trip to Italy. Sequels rarely equal or top the original, a topic Coogan and Brydon tackle right off the bat (everyone uses Godfather II as an example, but what other examples are there?), and any thought of this follow-up being a sub-par affair are gone in 60 seconds. The imitations are back, and even if they sound familiar, they sound better than ever!!!! But what really works about round 2, besides the Italian scenery and the chewing of it, is that Coogan (or Coogan’s character of himself) seems more relaxed in this venture, leaving little room for un-needed drama, and more room for always needed stupidity/comedy

The only thing wrong with this movie is that the trip comes to an end, but for those who want more – there is more – the Italian job was slimmed down from a TV series too, and so I will be seeking out the full episodes, and I’m sure you will too!

Where to next boys? Count us in, times a bajillions

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Embark on The Trip To Italy – in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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#MirrenFace

The Hundred-Foot Journey
A Spoonful of Curry & A Poundful of Sugar
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 122 min

100 foot journey

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN INDIAN FAMILY MOVES TO A PICTURESQUELY QUAINT FRENCH VILLAGE AND OPENS UP A RESTAURANT – 100 FEET ACROSS THE STREET FROM A SNOOTY FINE DINNING EATERY?????????????????????????????????????? Oh man, if only there were a book that tackled this story idea that got Oprah and Spielberg so jazzed that they turned it into a movie directed by the guy who made that Chocolat movie! OH WAIT, THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise jeebus, and ganesha, and PG movies that you can actually bring your family too, even if the drama on-hand is about intense as cracking an egg

Sassy and fussbudgety Om Puri and his Indian family flee India cause there was like some political fire or something that burned down their restaurant and his wife/their momma, and so they go here and there until their van breaks down in some French village, where they quickly open up an Indian restaurant – that will forever change everything – for them, the town, and the town’s reigning cooking mistress, and restaurant neighbor – the perma-frowny Helen Mirren. She is SO dang frowny, and sourpussy that they HAD to highlight it on the movie poster

100 foot poster journey

Then again, Mirren makes that face in every movie she’s in. It’s her go to face, and I for one have had enuff of #MirrenFace

Well guess what happens?? One of the Indian kin – Manish Dayal – is a master chef in the making, and he is such a master chef in the making that not even the bitchy Helen Mirren can deny his talents, and so maybe JUSS MAYBE, she will stop being so cranky that she’ll take the spatula that’s stuck up her a$$ and start cooking things up with her enemy neighbors!!! And what about the Frenchy restaurant cutie patootie sous chef Charlotte Le Bon?? Will their be romance a simmering between her and the master chef in the making or will their yearning ambitions to become king/queen of the kitchen stand in the way of their syrupy soup of love????? OMG, YOU MUSS BE SWEATING WITH NERVES JUSS READING THIS REVIEW!!!!

For a movie about food, the taste can at times be pretty formaggi, but for the most part – the cheesiness sizzles, unlike in Chef, where it kinda stank like rotten meat

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Journey begins at a theater near jews Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Biopicky

Get On Up
Soul Brother # Won
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 138 min

get on up

I know who James Brown is. Lucky to have seen him in concert, TWICE! Perhaps today’s kids aren’t all up on their Godfather of Soul knowledge – and hence the need for dem to GET ON UP on it, as suggested by the talking head testimonial trailer singing his singing praises, that’s been used more as this biopic’s trailer than its own actual trailer. Well, regardless if you know JB or don’t, your probably won’t learn much about him in Tate Taylor‘s (The Help) lively, but information-free Get On Up

Sure, the film starts off with a bang – focusing on his infamous run-in/away from the law, and sizzles the ears til its finish – with the actual recorded versions of Brown’s vocals and music pumpin loud, but by the end, the picture isn’t really complete. I was saying to myself, I know James Brown, but I don’t know anymore than I knew before I saw this here film. And tsk tsk for no nods to his time with The Blue Brothers (even if Dan Aykroyd is in the movie), or ‘Living In America’ for Rocky IV or being wasted on TV!!!

But but but but but, you wanna know what? Sure, the story is thin, but his music is THICK, and JB’s shtick shines on, in the soulful shoes of Chadwick Boseman. Boseman displayed quiet brilliance as Jackie Robinson in last year’s 42, and exudes beyond exudtion exuding in Get On Up (even if his JB accent sorta sounds like Casey Affleck and his annoying voice). The movie IS his performance (+ some excellent make-up work), and Boseman not only plays the man, he IS the MAN. He should play every prominent African-American figure of all thymes. They should remake Ray and see what he can do with it. Or they should make a movie where Jamie Foxxxx’s Ray Charles teams up with Boseman’s Brown to fight all the Marvel characters!!!

The supporting players are gifted actors – Nelsan Ellis, Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer – but they aint the MAN like Boseman is, like James Brown is, like Boseman as Brown is is

Funk don’t quit, even if the funk is uninformative

Jersey Boys
Oh What A Blight!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 134 min

jersey boys

There’s nothing more cheesy than the Jersey Boys musical. That is until I encountered the movie version of the musical, directed by the ‘musical’ Clint Eastwood, which reveals JUSS how cheesy the musical is, when you add in close-ups and sets and things and stuff

You either know who Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons are or you don’t. If you don’t, you probably won’t care to see how they came together and overcame ‘adversity’ to make such sweet sweet music. You actually don’t need to know their story, since there isn’t much of one (unlike the life of James Brown), but the music is juss so darn good. I mean, my wife and I saw Frankie months back (HE’S STILL GOT IT!!!!), and the first dance at our wedding was to ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’

When I first saw this movie, I was repelled and repulsed at juss how cheesy it was. Then weeks passed and I couldn’t stop thinking how great the movie was because it WAS ultra-cheesy. I was like, you juss to good to be true, can’t take my MIND OFF OF YOU AND YOUR OOOOOZY CHEESE!!!

Oh Gyp DeCarlo. Oh Gyp. Oh Gyp. OH GYP!!!! Who Gyp? He’s some gangster guy played by Christopher Walken, who solves everyone’s problems, like the ‘problems’ the Four Seasons encounter. These problems? That the band’s founder Tommy DeVito is bad with money, and that the guy who plays him – Vincent Piazza – may be bad at acting. Or maybe Tommy DeVito IS an actual walking Italian-Jersey stereotype and Vincent Piazza is playing him perfectly. But who cares, cause the whole thing’s cheesy, so Jimmy, give me a pizza wit NUTTIN


Verdictgo: both Jeepers Worth A Creepers

The BoysGet On Up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Besson Golden Pawn

Lucy
Mindless Over Matter
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

Film Title: Lucy

Fcuk Marvel and their brand of summer fun. If I had my pick, I’d let Luc Besson direct all my blockbuster blusters. Feels like 9ever since he directed ANY movie. I actually thought the last movie he directed was The Fifth Element. Apparently he’s directed 9 movies since then, and I saw 3 of them. One of those is his latest – Lucy – and it actually actually actually finally feels like the proper follow-up to Element, and more so to his BLAMMMMMAZIN Leo/The Professional. Sure, over the past decade+ he wrote & produced popcorn fluff like The Transporter & Taken flix, but he didn’t direct them. With Lucy, he directed the living fcuk out of it, and my eyes are thankful for it

Scarlett Johansson is Lucy, a girl thrown out of her element within the first 5 minutes of the film. She (and we) is quickly tossed into a shadowy underworld with an Asian gang trying to transport some beyond-mind altering drugs, sewn into her stomach. At one point she gets kicked in the stomach, the drug is released into her system, and BOOOM, her brainpower starts elevating from underused human levels to ones that would make William James Sidis‘ IQ seem like zero. So what happens from there? ANYTHING. This crazy brainpower power allows Lucy/ScarHo to do anything and everything and anyeverything!!! And Besson runs with it for the remaining minutes, complete with exceptional visuals and Morgan Freeman and his voice (and a Damon Albarn song!)!!! I almos wish there were more minutes!!!

While the movie is about the brain, it’s far from cerebral. It isn’t fully dumb, but it’s more dumb fun than it is intellectual property. But you wanna know what? I had more fun watching this summer flick than I did with any superhero and Michael Bay movie of recent memory. FYI – The only Michael Bay movie worth remembering is The Island, another smart dumb fun flick starring ScarJooo. FYI – LUC BESSON IS THE BEST (mostly)!!! PLEASE MAKE MORE WOMEN KICKING ASS STUFF THINGS!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Creepers

Lucy loos at a theater near you

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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