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Rob Peter To Pay Paul Peter

Hell or High Water
Bank Shot
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 102 min

hell-or-high-water-mustaches

Cops!  Robbers!  Cowboys!  Injuns!  Texas!  Dust!  MUSTaches!!!!!!!!!  Captain Kirk with one particularly MUST must MUSTache!!  That crazy actor dude who was banging Sean Penn’s ex-wife playing crazy, and wily, and crazy wily!!  (I mean, can he play anything else?  would you want him to?)

hell-or-high-water

Jeff Bridges with a strange accent but he kinda disappears into that strange accent!!  His partner that sorta looks like my uncle!

It’s the David Mackenzie directed film from Taylor Sheridan‘s script – Hell or High Water!! 

There’s not much hell or water, but plenty of thirsting, for dollars, and doing things right, even if they have to be done in a wrong way!  

The plot is this – two guys rob banks and then re-pay outstanding debts to the very same banks they juss stole from with the money they stole!  It’s like robbing Peter to pay Paul Peter!!!  Woah!!!!  

And man, those Texas vistas are beautiful!

And this girl – Melanie Papalia – who played a hooker – has some nice vistas of her own!

mel-paps

melanie-papalia-2

melanie-papalia

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

douse Hell with Water, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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About Face

Bridget Jones’s Baby
Meet The Parents
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 123 min

bridget-jones-baby

I was expecting nothing from the movie where Bridget Jones is expecting, mainly cause the trailer was so so so so awful Awful AWFULLLLLLLLL!!  It looked like a dreadful TV comedy of errors, and cheerie-o, pip-pip cheekiness, and thankfully, this third installment is none of that, although the soundtrack was cheesier than the world’s largest cheese sculpture 

Bridget Jones’s Baby finds BJ single again, but this time she and Renée Zellweger are thinner, and they both have a new face.  Bridget was much more charming with the girth, and those puffy red cheeks.  Same with Renée…

gallery-rene

BUT, underneath this new face, today’s Renée Zellweger is still our same ye olde Renée Zellweger (who was like the Jennifer Lawrence of her time).  If you want to imagine the old faced Renée, you can particularly see it in any scene where she’s wearing glasses…

renee-glasses

But for most of the movie she isn’t wearing glasses, but you start to get used to her face, in a way you start to get use to seeing what Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill look like today (which means they don’t look as good as Harrison Ford looks today)

OK, enuff about the face, and more about the actual movie… which stars FOUR Academy Award winners!!!  Joining Zel is former beau Colin Firth, pops Jim Broadbent, and new addition, as BJ’s doc – Emma Thompson, who also co-wrote the script!  Their accolades were not mentioned in said horrible trailer, but their skills punch up a movie that serves as nothing more than a delightful one that women will enjoy today and on cable TV for eons to come

Hugh Grant sat this one out, so the new rival for BJ’s affections is Yankee Patrick Dempsey.  I’m not much of a Dempsey guy.  I left him after Can’t Buy Me Love, and never got McSteamed up by any of his subsequent work.  He’s a good foil for Colin Firth in Baby, which makes the series feel a little new, while dwelling on BJ issues very old.  Plus, we forgot much of what happened in both of the previous movies, cause the last one was TWELVE years ago, so this threequel felt both new and old!  NEWSED!!!

Man, twelves years is a long time.  Last movie we personally saw Zel in was 2008’s Appaloosa and I didn’t even remember anything about that movie, especially the fact that she was even in it.  Had to look it up.  Anywho, we hold too much onto the past, but we need to move on. Renée’s face is what is, and now we’re ready to see it again in Bridget Jones’s Journey To Uranus

By the way, what’s with Jones’s?  Why not juss Jones’??  Didn’t these English people invent English?

And what’s up with Sarah Solemani and how come we’ve never have heard of her???  She’s like a Persian-English Winona Ryder!!!  Adorablezz!!!

sarah-solemani

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sarah-sole

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Jones for Bridget at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Handler Chesley

Sully
Winging It
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 96 min

sully

You know the story – a plane is in mad flying trouble and a mild-mannered pilot with an awesome white mustache lands the plane in the Hudson River with zero casualties.  IT’S THE MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON!!!  (like Moscow Over The Hudson, but less Russian, but in even more of a hurry).  But did you know our dear Captain was questioned after the fact by our government for how he saved lives????  Thanks for doing your job guy, now lets tell you how you did it wrong!!  And did you know that his co-pilot had an equally awesome MUSTache???????

What could have easily been a good Lifetime movie, is an even better Clint Eastwood film (and even better than the fictional downer Flight), even though the conclusion is no surprise, and there’s about 4 minutes of actual story… or so you might think.  Well, every story needs a bad guys, and ours are a bunch of bad white dude investigators from the NTSB.  DAMN YOU!!! YOU ARE EVEN WORSER THAN NKOTB!!!!!

Whatevs, our angel in the sky –  Chesley ‘Sully’ Sullenberger is a fcuking hero above many other fucking awesome heroes, and of course everything’s gonna be alright – CAUSE HOW COULD YOU CONDEMN A MAN WHO SAVED PEOPLE!?!?!??!?  AND DID WE MENTION HIS CO-PILOT (JEFF SKILES) AND HIS CO-AWESOMESZOZ MUSTACHIO???

sully-skiles

I know you think it’s funny that Tom Hanks always gets himself into travel trouble in the movies that he’s in, and that we should never travel with him – but that’s the dumbest thing (and meme) I’ve ever heard.  What, you want to travel with handsome dudes like Brad Pitt or George Clooney?  Those dudes don’t stand a chance.  They’d drown cause they’d be too busy combing they’d hairs!!!  Tom Hanks is the captain – now AND forever.  Those other dudes are just pretty window dressing, or aisle dressing, or middle seat dressing, and they’d not really all that good at acting etiher.  It’s hard to sympathize with beauty.  I’m with everyman Hanks, thru thick or thin, staying afloat or sunk as the Cleveland Browns playoff chances.  Hanks for the memories Tom, now and forever.  Fly us to the moon, or to the bottom of the sea, and we’ll come and see it, no matter what your final disaster destination is

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

Sully soars the unfriendly skies at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Aqua Valentine

The Light Between Oceans
The Shore Thing
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

light between oceans

The summer bummers of moviedom is officially over, and the season of actual good movies is upon us, and what a way to kick the season off with Derek Cianfrance‘s The Light Between Oceans!

WWI is over and shell-shocked survivor Michael Fassbender is looking for steady work.  He looks no further when he becomes a lighthouse keeper off the coast of Australia.  He enjoys the quiet solitary job and life, but things aint so quiet or solitary no more when a lovely lady of the shore – Alicia Vikander – anchors away on his heart!  She literally wants to marry a lighthouse keeper AND DOES (and the two actors fell in love f’reals on the set)!!!  They try for kids but miscarriage and become very disparaged.  Then a dead man and an alive baby wash up on their lighthouse shores and change everything!!  EVERYTHING!!! They assume the parentage of the orphaned child and life moves on.  BUT DOES IT???  What about the baby’s mother???  To say anything more about the plot would be saying more about the plot, but all I’ll say is that Rachel Weisz is in the movie too, and the trailer spoils the movie, so don’t watch the trailer

I don’t know much about who Derek Cianfrance is as a person, cept he’s a guy who makes movies – and I fcuking love him cause of the movies he makes!  His debut – Blue Valentine – is still giving my heart painful palpitations (in a good bad way), and his follow-up – The Place Beyond The Pines – is another painful place I think of fondly.  And with his third feature – The Light Between Oceans – all I can say is SURF’S UP, YO!  Actually, that’s not all I can say.  I would say that this is somehow his LEAST painful movie (but don’t worry pain-freaks, there’s still plenty of pain to ‘enjoy’ here), but perhaps it is his most beautiful film yet!  So beautiful that I don’t juss want to marry the lighthouse keeper, I want to marry that fcuking lighthouse too!

the-light-between-the-oceansthe-light-between-the-oceans

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

Oceans sets sail today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Grouponing Like An Egyptian

Groupon is great!  It makes things that you want to do and see and eat cheaper!  This past weekend, I used 4 of dems and what a weekend it was…

Indignation
Trying The Old College That Doesn’t Want To Give
Official Site | Trailer
R | 110 min

indignation

Didn’t realize good ole Philip Roth released a book called Indignation 8 years ago, mainly cause I don’t read books, although I have read two of his books!  It’s true!  But I’m game for anything Roth – mainly cause I know it will involve Jews, neuroses, and Jewish neuroses!

This book was turned into a movie by former Focus Features studio chief, James Schamus, making his writing/directing debut! And it’s pretty good stuff!  It kinda feels like a stage play, and kinda staged like one – but it has one blow job and TWO hand job scenes!!!  STAGE THAT!!!

Our protagonist is an atheist Jew Logan Lerman (the Wallflower showing some acting chops here), who’s just gettin started at a WASPy Ohio college in the early 50s.  All he wants to do is work and study hard, but runs into trouble when a bedeviling shiksa (Sarah Gadon) gives him said BJ and saids HJs.  She’s unstable, and throws him for a loop.  Then he throws the dean (Tracy Letts, in full a$$hole mode) for a loop, and the two clash in a war of words – in two scenes which are easily the best parts of the film – yes, even more than the scenes involving the BJ and the HJs.  This tête–à–tête is the definition of the word ‘indignation’ – anger or annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair treatment – which was great, cause this movie made me learn a new word AND the movie entertained me!  Learning AND being entertained – a deadly combo that is actually very lively!  STAGE THAT!!!

In case you were wondering what Groupon was used here – it was for Fandango monies!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

dig into Indignation, currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

and then if was off to use a Groupon for dinner at this Georgian (USSR style, not the Peachy state) restaurant called Pepela.  it was a really cool space, but when we arrived, we were the only customers in the entire place for 20 minutes.  we literally thought we were going to get murdered, but the only things that died were our fears after we delved into the delicious meal – featuring a thing that’s better than a pizza – a khachapuri!!!

Khachapuri

(this isn’t an actual picture of the one I ate, but this is what ours looked like)

next night, and new Groupon adventures awaited!

first it was dinner – at Serenata, a nice modern Mexican restaurant.  I stuffed my face on gauc, queso fundido, some empanadas, some enchiladas and a quesadilla. MUY BIEN!!!!

and then off to see..

The Bangles
Irving Plaza
August 27th, 2016

#HazyShadeofAwesome #MoreThanZero #BanglesYourHead #SetItHoffs #SimonAndGarfunky

A video posted by Thigh Master (@thighmaster) on

in 75 RAWKING minutes, the three Bangles (Michael Steele left in 2005) rawked the fcuk outta 22 songs for a thousand dudes in their 50s who came to relive the 80s.  I’m close to 40, but I’m old in thought, and young in farts.  Age and decades aside, their spirit is still strong and their fans still love them (and they all still look pretty mad fly)  

While the ladies have written some timeless tunes in their time, they can cover the crap outta other people’s ditties.  Personally, their cover of Simon & Garf’s ‘Hazy Shady of Winter’ (see video above), might Might MIGHT be, my most flavorite cover version of a song EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  Yes, ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  EAT THAT BEATLES!!!!  (who were like a male Bangles of their time)

Man, is Susana Hoffs like the all time hottest Jew mt EVERest* and Sinai or wat????

susana hoffs

hoffs today

*that isn’t my wife :)

Setlist – Mary Street / Some Dreams Come True / Manic Monday / Restless / James / He’s Got a Secret / Going Down to Liverpool (Katrina and the Waves cover) / September Gurls (Big Star cover) / I’m in Line / The Real World / Live (The Merry‐Go‐Round cover) / A Hazy Shade of Winter(Simon & Garfunke cover) / If She Knew What She Wants (Jules Shear cover) / Want You / Dover Beach / Open My Eyes (Nazz cover) / Silent Treatment / In Your Room / Hero Takes a Fall

EncoreHow Is the Air Up There (The Changin’ Times cover) / Walk Like an Egyptian / Eternal Flame

to cap the weekend, I got to see my beloved Peabs, but no Groupon exists for such hotness – as love don’t cost a thing.  although we bought pizza at face value and got to see Edie Brickell do the same thing with her kin!

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