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The Movie About Movies That Wasn’t There

Hail, Caesar!
What The Hail???
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

hail caesar

You sit there watching the Coen BrosHail, Caesar!, and you think to yourself – this is cool – they love old Hollywood, I love old Hollywood, they’re totally doing right by old Hollywood, and as the movie snappily moves along, you start to realize that nothing is really going on, and you’ve laughed MAYBE twice during this comedy, and by the time that Joel & Ethan’s name appear on screen to kick off the end credits, you start to question what in the film is there to actually hail?

It seems like the Coen Bros invested more time on casting, or OVER-casting (Josh Brolin, George Clooney, Alden Ehrenreich, Ralph Fiennes, Jonah Hill, Scarlett Johansson, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, Channing TatumAlison PillChristopher LambertFred MelamedPatrick FischlerDavid KrumholtzFisher StevensAlex KarpovskyClancy BrownRobert PicardoDolph Lundgren and Michael Gambon‘s voice), than they did trying to construct a fluid movie.  They have ideas – WAY too many of them – and they’d maybe work if they were short films, but together as one long film – it’s juss a bunch of loving valentines with no heart

What I don’t REALLY understand, like I also didn’t REALLY understand with Inside Llewyn Davis, is if this stuff is based on reallife stuff, then why do the Coen Bros bother to fictionalize it into fluff?  They would be better off actually making a movie about the real players, instead of trying to impress us with their impressions.  It’s a waste of their talents, and a waste of our time

I mean, they obviously put a lot of thought into the movie, but I juss didn’t think too much of it.  Less is more.  They needed less of most of it, and more Alden Ehrenreich.  He gets a hail + the sets + Josh Brolin’s tuff gruff + the double dip of Tilda Swinton

Trumbo captured a similar time and themes in Hollywood, but it lacked the professional polish the Coen Bros gave Caesar.  Maybe the Coen Bros should have made Trumbo, instead of trying to make a movie that makes you feel like a sad trombone after watching it

Hail YEAH!!: it’s been awhile since we highlighted some movie hotties.  so here’s two that need hailing!!!

Natasha Bassett

Natasha Bassett

Natasha Bassett 3

Natasha Bassett eyes

Natasha Bassett 2

&

Emily Beecham

Emily Beecham

Emily Beecham 2

Emily Beecham 3

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Caesar is a mixed salad today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Twilight Drearies

The Revenant
Useless S. Grunt
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 156 min

How do you like your Leonardo DiCaprio?

Bearded?

the revenant

Frozen?

frozen leo

Speaking in Injun talk AND in grunts?

leo grunting

Drooling?

drool leo

Raped?

raped by bear leo

well, you get ALL these Leos in Alejandro G. Iñárritu‘s latest zero funfest, that’s more endurance test, than enjoyable movie going  

Yes, welcome to The Revenevavnaveananenanenenananat!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, the backgrounds are beyond beautiful, and the injuns are cool and creepy, and YES, the story is kinda sorta true (which ALWAYS makes a movie instantly more interesting)

but NO to everything else

I mean, the fur trapping and wading in water was kinda cool at the beginning, but that all ends and it pretty much becomes the Tom Hardy is a giant a$$hole show, and you can barely understand what he says, even less than when he was Bane, and he’s being chased by Leo, who is tyring to be less understandable.  So it’s like a revenge pic, an endlessly mumbling one, and you juss keep waiting and waiting for the revenge, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

YES, the beards and snow are wicked cool, but NO thanks to the rest

I mean, I guess if one good thing comes out of the pain and snoring – Leo will finally gets his elusive gold man

leo oscar

leonardo oscar

oscar leo

Verdictgo: for the scenery only – Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers. for the snoozyery, meeeeeeeehh – Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

The Revenant revs its engine and frozen beards at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Irish Sprung

Brooklyn
Heart Is Where The Home Is
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

brooklyn

Saoirse Ronan has beautiful, yet super creepy laser-blue eyes.  They were super creepy when she made bad things happen in Atonement.  But now she’s a bit older, and so they’ve become a little less creepy, and in John Crowley/Nick Hornby/Colm Tóibín Brooklyn movie, dem eyes aint creepy at all – as they are filled with and the exuder of udder sadness and absolute happiness, and those eyes are everything  

Her character – Eilis (which is apparently pronounced Aiiiiilllllllllllish) leaves her ma and sis in Ireland for America (a scene early in the movie that almost had me in insta-tears).  She works at a department store, but misses her family and Irish Spring and Lucky Charms, but luckily there are lots of Irish things in America – like O’Doul’s and McDonalds and Jim Broadbent and Julie Walters.  Phew  

And then things change when an Italian Brooklyn boy (the sappy smirky good Emory Cohen) makes his way into her life, making America feel more like home than her old home.  But then tragedy strikes back home, and so she goes home, and is kinda swept up in old home and is having second thoughts about new home, and there’s this great Irish redheaded guy (Domhnall Gleeson, in his 1919239939192193th movie of 2015), and so she’s conflicted and arggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  

I kept waiting for wrong turns and bad things to happen, but this movie isn’t like that.  This movie stands for good, and is way beyond good.  It reminds me that movies can be positive, without having to be edgy or showy or anything else besides a great story and great storytelling.  Boy voyage and land ho!  Spring for this Irish tale, and u2 can enjoy it’s wonder and wonderment!

VerdictgoBreast In Show

Brooklyn boroughs currently at a theater near jews/irish people

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Tremblay Before Gawd

Room
About A Boy
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 118 min

room

There are more fascinating and disturbing abduction tales out there – like the Fritzl case

There are more horrific and painful abduction tales turned into (TV) films – like Cleveland Abduction

But there’s Room, and Room isn’t really about abduction – it’s about a boy (born out of abduction).  And it’s not really about a boy – I mean it is – but what it is really about is how amazingly the boy is played – by Jacob Tremblay – like Tatum O’Neal Paper Moon amazing

There is a mother of the boy – Brie Larson – and she’s strong, as a mother, and Larson’s performance as the mother is strong too, but the movie isn’t really about the mother, and yet, all the external (read: awards) attention is being heaped upon the mother

What about the boy?

The boy is filled with magic and wonder and innocence.  And then it’s all shattered (mom and son escape abduction half way thru), and then the film isn’t nearly as good, but it doesn’t matter, cause we’re with the boy, and the boy by Jacob Tremblay is boy o boy!

Yeah booooooooy!!

VerdictgoJeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Room doesn’t have a view at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Box & One & Thensome

Creed
Spawn Sacrifice
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

creed

A funny thing happened to the Rocky film series as it got older – it got better.  2006’s Rocky Balboa was fcuking great.  It was nice to have Rocky back, and for Sylvester Stallone to act fo’real, instead of acting a’fool.  And I thought that was that… until writer/director Ryan Coogler came up with an ever better idea – what if Apollo Creed breed?  He did, and his forgotten son Adonis (a fit and fantastic and a fine mustachioed Michael B. Jordan) wants in on the family rope-a-doping, but he aint gonna get there without SlyRocky Ballone’s words of wisdom and fistdom.  And that pretty much tells you what you need to know about what Creed is… besides, in a word, awesomeszósz!!

And Tessa Thompson is so fine.  She needs to be in everything, including her own pants (that’s how fine she is – she needs to jump her own bones!)

tessa t

tessa t bw

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Creed packs a wallup – still in theaters near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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