Archive | Movie Reviews RSS feed for this section

Toying With My Emotions

The LEGO® Movie
Slick Brick
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 100 min

lego movie

I am no fan of cartoon movies aimed at kids these days.  Sure, I can sit thru some Pixar flicks here and there, but for the most part, I aint having these computer animated films.  Oh, your panda knows kung-fu??  Great, I don’t give a fcuk.  Oh, your dragon can be trained?  Wake me up after I’m done sleeping thru Game of Thrones too. These flixs are for your kids, not the kid in me

I’m a stickler for a bygone area – the hand-drawn toons that Disney built an empire on.  So if yer gonna get me to see one of yer new movies (not that they care), you’re gonna have to tap into that old fashioned style… or other things from my beloveded childhood. Disney’s Wreck-It Ralph is a perfect example of how to whet my current animation whistle.  Go all nostalgic, and break out the fun!  And here comes The LEGO Movie, which not only whets my whistle, it practically drowns it.  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

Dude, this LEGO movie is so so so fcuking awesome.  Even more awesome than the awesome song within it.  And it’s not juss awesome cause it’s a kids movie that works, it’s awesome, because it’s a real fcuking movie, and really really well done.  Heck, it’s the funniest  flick in half a decade!!  It appeals to anyone who has ever touched a LEGO, young or old, and I’d say to anyone who probably doesn’t know these bricks from brac  

LEGOs have certainly changed over the years. They used to be all smiles, and not much else, but today, they have teeth, and grit, and can be anything, like Batman or Lord of The Rings or any movie tie-in you can think of. Well, the people who wrote and directed this film, thought of everything and anything, and threw it all together in a non-stop rollercoaster of fun fun fun fun fun fun fun that I never wanted to stop.  WHY DID IT STOPPEDEDED!!!!!!!!!!  They assured that all them LEGO bases would be covered in movie one, if it ended up being juss a one and done flick, but the future is beyond bright for this franchise.  Maybe for the sequels, instead of incorporating all LEGO worlds, they could focus on one subject – like the space guys, or the forest-men.  Whatever, I don’t really care what they do, cause I’m gonna go see it.  I juss want them to never stop building!!!!

VerdictgoBreast In Show

LEGO is still connecting in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

lego forestman

0 Comments

The Futura Is Now Then

The Grand Budapest Hotel
Pretty Vacant 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 99 min

budapest hotel

I read somewhere recently that ‘at this point in time you either love Wes Anderson movies or you don’t’.  I don’t believe it’s that black & white.  Personally, I love Wes Anderson, but I don’t really love Wes Anderson movies anymore.  After his career apexed with The Royal Tenenbaums, ever since, it’s been nothing but the same sh!t, with slight differences in the ‘plot’ – oh no, it’s love issues, but now it’s with daddy on a boat!  then brothers on a train!  and then there were them two misunderstood kids on an island!  and now it’s longing for the lost love of a hotel’s glory years!  

Wes’ Grand Budapest Hotel feels like his most ambitious film/diorama to date, but the only thing that’s grand is the design.  Grand sets!  Grand costumes!  Grand mustaches!  Grand use of the font Futura!  Don’t get we wrong, Budapest is fun, and mildly funny, and Ralph Fiennes‘ concierge M. Gustave H character may be Anderson’s most fun character since Royal Tenenbaum himself, but as a movie???  It’s not much of a movie.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the movie, cept there’s like 11% more F Murray Abraham!!  Come to think of it, I kinda like the F Murray Abraham bits the most, where he, as our other main character, is collecting dust in the current run-down state of the hotel, and reflecting back on the way it used to be  

I, like Wes, long for the past.  I kinda wanted to go visit that Kutsher’s place, to see what had become of the Borscht-belted Catskill ‘grand’ resort, but I think I missed my chance, as it’s scheduled for demolition.  For Wes, he did get to go back, and invented his own grand hotel with his pink and purple paintbrushes, but to what end?  Longing for something not worth longing for.  It’s a hotel that feels pretty vacant.  Who cares if it looks amazing?

Wes, it’s time to hit the reset button.  Try adapting someone else’s work (again, like you brilliantly did with Fantastic Mr Fox).  You could be an even better Baz Luhrmann than Baz Luhrmann, instead of a Wes Anderson imitator

VerdictgoSum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Budapest is pesty in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

0 Comments

The Dirty Dozen Dumbing

The Monuments Men
Monumental Lameness 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

monuments men

!  All in one movie!!  Fighting the (real) good fight, to save plundered precious art from the Nazis, for generations to come!!!  Sounds like this movie can’t miss!!!!  Sadly, The Monuments Men is a total misfire.  The mission is important, and the movie tries to relay that thought, but it comes off as completely corny, udderly uninteresting, and as static and still as an actual monument.  It’s like Oceans 11 meet Saving Private Ryan minus everything.  I’d rather watch paint dry than watch them save these paintings.  I kinda wish the real people in reals lifes didn’t save these painting so this movie didn’t have to exist.  And honestly, that about all there needs to be said about this lame-fest. Good night, and good suck

VerdictgoSlit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Men not at works, tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

0 Comments

Plains Great

Nebraska
June Squibb June Squibb June Squibb June Squibb June Squibb 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 115 min

nebraska

Oh .  You totally June Squibbed the squibb june out of that June Squibb performance you done did June Squibb!! June Squibb June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  bibb salad June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  Bib Fortuna June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb!!!!!!!!!!

june squibb

But seriously, this lovely and delightful Nebraska movie - concocted by / - is so amateurishly acted – IN A GREAT WAY, and soaked in such luscious black and white palettesz, where the gorgeous great plains cinematography juss makes you wanna take yer pants off and JO to the background, or piss on it, like the main characters done do did.  And oh man, that  guy is so dang cranky, and aloof, and feisty, and fun.  And oh man, that , he be so good as the straight-man to all the geriatric antics goings-on.  Man, oh man, this movie’s wrap party musta been insane – everyone wetting their Depends and in bed by 5pm!  Good job Will Forte.  You really made it.  You are so quiet but makes such a commotion.  Blesses you

Speaking of June Squibb, Mr Pibb should marry her and let her have a drink called Ms Squibb

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Nebraska husks corn at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Love Bytes

Her
OS Oh Yes! 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 119 min

her

 is so fcuking creative.  Maybe he needs lotsa time to be so fcuking creative.  And if so, is that why he’s only made four movies since 1999?  And if that so is so, so what?  If he’s gonna keep delivering mind-bending/blowing cinema, then please, take yer jolly a$$ time Spike!  His latest Her is just another grand notch on his ultra-cool, ultra-crazy filmmaking belt.  The difference with this flick vs his other works is that this one’s 111% the vision of Jonze, as he wrote the script from scratch himself

I for one am obsessed with technology.  I can’t keep my fingers off my phone (and my fiancee, but she doesn’t always do what I tell her to do :).  Jonze knows this (not about me, but about all of us), and he sees our relationships with our computers (in the near future) growing even closer, for worse AND for better.  His Her is a new computer operating system unlike anything that came before it, in our reality, and even in cinema’s fantasies.  Before Her, there was the artificial intelligence that was Metropolis‘ Maschinenmensch2001‘s HAL-9000, Tron‘s Master Control ProgramWarGames‘ WOPR, and in body form, A.I.‘s David.  You can see what direction these movie AIs have been going – less evil, more human-like, more helpful, and more lovable (yet always creepy!!).  Woah, Spike, you just unknowingly made a sci-fi epic, without being at all sci-fi-y!

 is our end user Theodore Twombly, a lonely, thoughtful and misunderstood soul looking for someone to talk to, and to fill the void of his recently lost love life.  When he purchased his new operating system, simply named OS1, little did he know that he was about to embark on another rollercoaster of love and all that comes with it.  OS1, with the voice of , gives herself the name Samantha, and Theodore a new lease on life.  She grows as a learning computer, and he grows closer to ‘her’ with every byte, and they ultimately and completely fall in love with one another.  But can a man fall in love with his computer?  Well, in 2009, a man married a video game character, so why couldn’t this happen?  The love in Her feels true, but remains so unnervingly creepy to us (there’s a scene that cuts to moments of black, which will make you feel beyond awkward), but in this near future landscape, it’s more acceptable than it is frowned upon

Do we want this bad good bad future to happen?  To be honest, I don’t want anything in Spike Jonze’ head to become real, but I want to keep on seeing what he sees, cause only he could make a make-up-less  seem sexier than she did being half-naked in American Hustle

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Clothing Jonzeing: now you can dress like it’s the near future too, with Opening Ceremony’s Her inspired line!

her clothes

Her boots up currently at a theater near jews

(this was the last movie we needed to see before coming up with our best of ’13 list. sorry Phil O Meana & Nebraska, there juss aint time to see you)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

0 Comments
eXTReMe Tracker