The Woman In Black
Children of The Yawn
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 95 min

Daniel Radcliffe is a lawyer or something, and definitely not Harry Potter, cause he has a 3 o’clock shadow beard.  His wife is dead or something, and his son draws pictures of him with a frowny face cause he’s always going away to do work, but he has to work cause he has bills, and bills need to get paid.  His latest work brings him to some scared stiff English countryside spot that has only like one car and one phone and like lots of unhelpful British people.  That one car and one phone are owned by the greatest living actor, in our humboldt opinion, and the very reason why we had to see this movie.  That person is Ciarán Hinds, who’s like the Duncan Hinds of acting, but even more delicious.  Anywho, Hinds is the only person helpful to Harry Potter and he helps him get to some creepy house on an island or something, but there’s a marshy road that goes to the island, but sometimes the tide makes the marshy road disappear or something.  Anywho, at the house, Harry Potter has to go through papers to figure out something, or else he’ll be fired from his job, but he can’t get fired cause he has to support his son and pay bills and things.  Anyways, turns out the island house with the papers is haunted by a woman in black (guess they couldn’t call the movie A Black Woman), and if you see her, yer children somehow die or something.  So we learn children have died in the past and we see kids dying in the present, and we assume more children will die in the future.  And the thing of this movie thing is that Harry Potter’s kid is coming to visit in a few days, so stuff better get like fixed or something before the kid gets there or else he will probably die or something.  GRYFFINDOR!!!

moral of the story – there are a few good BOO moments, but the rest is juss boo, which seems kinda wrong considering we don’t have to hear Harry Potter talk all that much, and Ciarán Hinds is in it, and so is Janet McTeer, for whatever that’s worth, but it’s no worse than that Katie Holmes-Guillermo del Bore-o flick

Tim McMullan:’s face is awesome

Verdictgo: Not So Meritiis AND No Stinkin Badges

Black is currently lacking in color at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Grey
Crash Grab
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

From the looks of the image above, Joe Carnahan‘s The Grey looks like a Liam Neeson kicks mad a$$ with broken gla$$ flick from frame one til frame done, but guess what?  THIS ONLY HAPPENS IN ONE OF THE VERY LAST FRAMES OF THE MOVIE AND THEN IT CUTS TO THE CREDITS BEFORE ANY ACTUAL KICK A$$ WITH GLA$$ HALF-FULL OF AWESOMNESS STUFF HAPPENS!!!!  So what leads up to this end shot?  Um, these ragtag dudes (Liam + Dallas Roberts, Dermot Mulroney, Frank Grillo, etc) work in Alaska or something and are going home or something, but then their plane crashes or something, and the people who survive the crash try their very best to stay alive, and by doing so, they tell really boring stories and show pictures of their loved ones, but we’re sure their families don’t give one sh%t about them cause we don’t care about these people and we only had to spend a little under two hours with them.  And what about them GREY wolves?  Oh yeah, they’re all about wanting to eat these survivors and come in and out of the movie like every 15 minutes so we don’t fall asleep.  Guess what, not even the wolves eating the survivors can prevent the snoozes

moral of the story – forget you even saw that image above and instead juss rent a real life survival story, like the brilliant docurama - Stranded: I Have Come From A Plane That Crashed On The Mountains, aka the bestest movie we saw in 2008 

Making Progress: before he hunted down wolves and eastern Europeans, Neeson made his acting debut in 1979′s Pilgrim’s Progress

Verdictgo: has no real reason for being, herspecially anything but boring, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

The Grey is shady at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Haywire
The MMA Experience
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 93 min

Having a tough time trying to figure out what to make of Steven Nerderbergh‘s Haywire.  It’s kinda La Femme Nikitaish, but feels more like a 90s Steven Seagal flick with shades of whatever that Jim Jarmusch movie was.  See what we mean?  But there’s one thing that’s super clear - Gina Carano kicks ass, on screen and in general.  Credit Nerderbergh for plucking her from his TV watching to his movie-making, but maybe he should have left the plucking to someone else.   He’s got this ace in the hole, but doesn’t seem to know what to do with it, cept occasionally let her kick

Apparently what he decided to do was make a half-baked tale of a hired gun (foot?) who gets double crossed and then needs to double back in order to set things doubly straight.  By the time we get to the end and the 5 Ws get ‘revealed’, it seems a little too late to make this simple plot seem complex

But… it really doesn’t matter what transgressed cause we get to watch Carano mix it up all over America and Europe with the likes of Ewan McGregor (why don’t movies juss let him speak in his natural accent?), Michael Fassbender (no wang dangling here), Michael Angarano (hey, it’s that guy!), Channing Tatum (he’s kinda the best wurst actor ever), Michael Douglas (brings instant gravitas to anything), Antonio Banderas (bearded!), Mathieu Kassovitz (also bearded! and always a pleasure to see him) and Bill Paxton (who’s so great that someone had to make a pinball game about him!).  And any movie with that crew crewing it up is bound to be watchable, cause it’s true

moral of the story: this is a good start for Carano’s young movie career, but ultimately it’s kinda like a Girlfriend Experience with zero sex and more kicking

American Glad We Don’t Hate Her: WE KNEW CARANO LOOKED FAMILIAR!!!! 

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Haywire kicks it at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

A Separation
(Jodaeiye Nader az Simin)
I-walk, Do Not Iran To A Theater near you
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 123 min

Is Asghar Farhadi‘s A Separation THE single best movie of 2011, as many have made it out to be?  Well, it might juss be the single bestest Iranian movie of 2011 (out of the total of 1 we’ve seen)!  Or perhaps the bestestest movie of 2011 with a guy (Peyman Moadi) that has a peppered beard that mostly & moistly resembles our own beard!  Or perchance the one starring the hottiest/angriest red(dyed)hair wrapped in a scarf lady (Leila Hatami)!  Or perzantze the one with the year’s worst screen employee (played by Sareh Bayat) who’s got the mos adorable daughter (Kimia Hosseini) east of the Nile river!  There’s no question that it’s tops in 2011 movies when it comes to sequences with the mos poignant hitting one’s self in the head with one’s own hands (Shahab Hosseini)!  But movie?  Hardly!  Sure, it’s nice to see that Iran is capable of other things besides possibly being nuclearly armed, but best movie of 2011?????????  Did these people see Tintin???  Well, that’s not our #1 pick, but it’s up there, and you’ll find out next week what 2011′s #1 is be, by our standards, which should be the standard

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Separation has got it together in NY & LA and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

oh, and if you see only one Iranianish movie this month, juss rent Persepolis, cause we know you’ve never seen it, and it’s amazingsss!!

We Need To Talk About Kevin
Birth (Out of) Conrtrol
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

We do need to talk about We Need To Talk About Kevin cause we juss need to talk about it.  First you MUSS MUSS MUSS see this, then we can talk about how Tilda Swinton might be the single greatest half-amphibian-half-human working in movies, and how John C Reilly is the most bestest absent-minded lovable doof working in movies, and how we’d be scared to f$%king death to ever run into Ezra Miller, Jasper Newell or Rock Duer on the street, cause all 3 of them played Kevin at different ages, and all 3 of em make us never want to have kids, let alone touch a bow and arrow ever again

Lynne Ramsay‘s take on Lionel Shriver‘s 2003 novel of the same name is as beautiful as it is frightening, as empty as it is loving, and as unforgettable as Gus van Sant’s Elephant was kinda forgettable, sorta.  What else do we need to talk about?  Bobbed?  What about bobbed?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Kevin will get Talked about in NY this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…