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Buttered Kaiser Roll

The Exception
Outside of Prussia, With Love
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 107 min

Whatever happened to Kaiser Wilhelm II, the last Emperor of Germany??  Never thought to ask this question, but glad David Leveaux‘s The Exception gives us an answer (wrapped in a love story of sorts)!

After World War I came to an end, so did the Kaiser’s rule over his homeland.  He left Germany for good and lived in exile in nearby Netherlands starting in the 1920s.  The film begins in 1940, with Wilhem (Christopher Plummer, relishing the role and facial hair) and wife Victoria (a forever sneering Janet McTeer) holed up in a lovely Dutch estate, Huis Doorn.  While they fine drink and dine, Europe begins to unravel under the Nazi menace.  When Holland comes under their rule, the former Kaiser does too

Enter too cool for school soldier Captain Stefan Brandt (Jai Courtney), who has been assigned to watch over Wilhem at the estate.  He doesn’t seem to love his assignment, or life as a Nazi, but duty is duty.  Luckily there’s a looker in the maid’s staff (Lily James), and within 3 seconds of meeting her in his private quarters, he’s having his way with her privates.  OH SNAP!!

Turns out, she’s no simple maid, but a Jew!  And maybe a spy!!!  Oh my!!  What’s going to happen???  Will they continue to have sex, even though she’s a Jew and he’s a Nazi, AND fornication between the grounds’ staff is strictly forbidden???  Can Captain Stefan ignore the Kaiser’s bad-mouthing of Hitler and his horrible henchmen, or will he report his loose lips to Berlin?  What’s gonna happen when Heinrich Himmler (Eddie Marsan) comes to dinner?  Will he ask K-Willy to come back to Germany and be a monarch once again, like he and the wife have been dreaming of???  WHAT WILL HAPPEN????  Oh my!!  OH MY!!!

While the romance seems a little forced upon the proceedings, the Kaiser stuff and eventual spy intrigue that plays out held my attention til the end.  Sure, it was a little hard to root for main characters who were anti-Semitic at heart, but it’s not a rule, just THE EXCEPTION to the rule!!! (get it???)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

make an Exception, currently on Direct TV, and in a limited theatrical release on June 2nd

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Better Off Zed

The Lost City of Z
Hunnam Beef Cake
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

We all have boners for Indiana Jones.  But what if I told you that there was a real Indiana Jones, but he didn’t necessarily find what he was looking for?  You probably have at least a halfie right now, right?  Left?

Well, there was once a British bloke named Percy Fawcett, who became obsessed with finding a lost city in the dense Amazonian jungles, in the early 20th Century.  He was like a (then) modern day conquistador, a dashing Don Quixote, tilting at windmills for something that may not even exist.  He tried again and again to find a lost city he called ‘Z’, before ultimately disappearing for good in his final attempt.  SPOILER ALERT!!!  But nothing can be spoiled by true facts…  facts spelled out in author David Grann‘s MOS eggsalad New Yorker article/turned book about Fawcett and his life’s yearning mission of discovery, which has now been transformed into a grand motion picture written and directed by James Gray – The Lost City of Z

Now before you get all excited to grab a whip and get a crackin’, you must know that Fawcett’s adventure isn’t even close to being on the level of anything that the great Dr Jones accomplished.  You would think that WOULD be the case by looking at the image above, but that’s just one tiny part.  When not dodging the natives, Fawcett and company are kept busy by chopping dense trees in the jungle, attracting diseases, losing supplies, and being away from family (his are played by Sienna Miller and Tom Holland) for years, but yet, never losing hope of finding Z

And we don’t lose hope in Fawcett or his convictions and dreams either, cause he flows so well in the acting body of Charlie Hunnam.  I haven’t seen Sons of Anarchy or anything else he’s been in (although apparently he was in Children of Men), so he’s all new to me.  Oh man, I now LOVES ME SOME HUNNAM BEEF!!!!  He’s like an equally as gruff/less obnoxious/easier to understand Tom Hardy!  He’s like Brad Pitt, but he can actually act!  I know we’re half-ish way through the cinematic year, but it’s gonna be tough for anyone to top the Indiana Jonesing hard-on I have for Charlie as Percy.  Man o man!  BREAST IN SHOW ACTING!!  Hunnam as Fawcett – my cup runneth over!!!

But like I said, you may be put off by a movie about discovery that actually doesn’t really discover anything, but you will at least discover how incredible Charlie Hunnam (and his mustache) is (and how Robert Pattinson is also pretty darn good too… looking like Fagin from Oliver Twist)

I hope you found what you were looking for Percy, and are still chilling in Z!  Z’s nuts!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Lost is FOUND currently at a theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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2 Vast, 2 Laborious

8 Fast 8 Furious (The Fate of the Furious)
The DEFLATE of the Furious
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 136 min

Welcome to 8 Fast 8 Furious!

(previously – #4 / #5 / #6 / #7)

And so long my unquestioned love of the Furious films!

Wait, what????

Yep, the Fate of The Furious may have sealed it’s fate by reaching a point of no return.  It may NEVER be able to return to the days of pure dumb fun, and may just keeping going (of course it will keep going), minus the fun – aka, pure DUMB

HOW IS IT SO??!?!??!?!

I dunno, but when did our beloved hot-head car racers turn into SEAL Team Six meets G.I. Joe????????????????


is this picture from 8 Furious or G.I. Joe? is there even a difference??

Why do they have to stop Bond villains from stealing bombs, on ice???


is this picture form 8 Fast or that awful Bond flick Die Another Die?

When did it become the Fast crew’s job to do things above their pay grade, and above what they really need to be doing – which is juss drive cars, fast, and impress fast hot chicks!  

And when did the bad guys all become fairytale cyberterrorists???

WTF Fast and Furious?  

And where did the humor go?  Sure, Tyrese has some good lines (one in particular, when trying to read Cyrillic Russian), and Jason Statham makes cute baby talk, but whoever is writing the one-liners should be given a one-way ticket to be buried alive.  What, was the guy who wrote the Running Man screenplay buried alive and not available?

Is this what happens with Paul Walker’s character walks away??  You have to go bigger and worse???  Or you have to have more scenes of talking, and less scenes of driving???  I mean the remote controlled car scene was INSANE, but, what is going on here?  Maximum Overdrive IN OVERDRIVE????

I mean, I feel that the road we’re headed on – 9 Fast 9 Furious will find our beloved crew saving the Earth from aliens!!!!  

and of course I’ll be there to witness it.  juss please make it fcuking good.  PLEASE!! and dump the stuff that doesn’t belong that is making Fast seriously slow

Verdictgo: the lowest that Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges goes

I am furious at Furious, currently at a theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Deer White People

Get Out
The Step-Stepford Wives
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 104 min

I finally got out and saw Get Out.  It’s true!  And it was good!  Way to make a real movie Jordan Peele!  I thought all you were gonna do was be in a bunch of Keanus (which isn’t a bad thing, juss more of the same kinda thing), and yer directorial debut movie had some Keanu-ish stuff with comic relief from Lil Rel Howery, but some seriously good serious stuff too!

It was scary! And creepy!  Even Catherine Keener was supes creepers jeepers, and so was Caleb Landry Jones and Stephen Root! And Bradley Whitford was douchey as always!!  And Allison Williams, who is not much of an actress, totally did that things she does – being a white chick!!  And Posh Kenneth from Skins (Daniel Kaluuya) is in something other than Skins (that I know of)!  [aside – man, Skins was the fcuking best!]

Half way thru the movie, I knew exactly where it was all going, but I still enjoyed the rest of the ride

Then when I left the theater, I was like, man, I REALLY need to see 1975’s Stepford Wives again.  And so I did (and you can too here), and was like, MAN, Get Out is a modern, but loving and topical, rip-off of The Stepford Wives!  I have a feeling that most people who saw AND loved Get Out have never encountered the Ira Levin novel or 1975 movie version.  You/them peoples should get out (or stay in) and go see that…

…and see Katharine Ross in a see-thru nightie!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Get Out is still in theaters, and digital/disc things next month

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Things That Make You Go Hummus

In Search of Israeli Cuisine
Melting Pot of Jewish Culinary Gold
Official Site | Trailer
Not Rated | 94 min

Know what would make a great TV show?  This documentary!

Director Roger Sherman and restaurateur Michael Solomonov take their love of Israeli food and attempt to explain what it is today and where it came from in a delicious new doc called In Search of Israeli Cuisine

What the doc certainly did was made me hungry (although I have my limits of tomato intake)

What it didn’t really do is make me hungry to go visit Israel (I’ve been, and liked it, but I have many other places to see first before I give it a 2nd go)

What it did do is give me a good general idea of how the Israeli food culture came to be, melding from all different Jewish cultures around the world who eventually settled together in one new place where a cuisine basically had to be invented

What it didn’t really do is come up with exact answers… cause there aren’t any

But a doc should be probing, not jumping from one kitchen visit to another, with some farms and wineries thrown in between.  A TV show doesn’t have to be probing, and can spend more time with cooks AND the kitchens, and the eating.  Somehow 94 minutes felt like an eternity, but if you took the bits and expanded and spread them out into 6-10 thirty minute episodes, I think the material would simmer a bit more than it did in one long doc form

Regardless, I love hummus and falafel, and pickled things, and plenty of other Jewish food.  It was nice to see and hear about them on a screen.  If you do too, you may want to watch this as well.  If you plan to visit Israel, this is where your Yelp recommendations and bookmarkings begin

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Search continues in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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