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Pretty, Vacant

Shopgirl Meets World
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 118 min


Love me some Todd Haynes.  Love how he can make a movie look like an Edward Hopper painting.  He obviously tries to do that time and time again, and I applaud him, and he’s so good at doing it, and cause Edward Hopper is my favorite artist ever, and he should be yours too.  The thing that makes Edward Hopper’s paintings so incredible, and unforgettable – is the sense of quiet, loneliness, and emptiness.  Unfortunately, for Haynes’ latest – Carol – it feels a lot too empty

Carol is based on the The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith.  Highsmith is no stranger to Hollywood – having many of her works adapted for the big screen – and with great artistic and cinematic success – notably Hitchcock’s Strangers On A Train (one of my all time favs) and Anthony Minghella’s The Talented Mr. Ripley (one of the late 90s best movies).  Most of her books deal with homosexuality, either overtly, or subtly.  I wouldn’t know for sure, since I don’t know how to read, but take my word for it – she loves the gay stuff

Carol is about two women – one young and naive, and the other older, jaded and about to be divorced – and how they cross paths and hearts, and touch boobs.  The younger one is Rooney Mara, and the elder one is Cate Blanchett.  Blanchett does her thing – that elegant socialite thing I feel like she can do in her sleep.  She’s kinda like the woman she was in that Woody Allen movie, but maybe a little more together, and a lot more 1950s looking.  Mara does her Rooney thing, which is to stare blankly into space with those cold blue eyes, and make those Disney’s Ichabod Crane faces she makes (and looks exactly like in general)

turkey head

I don’t get Rooney Mara.  I mean, she knows how to act (they don’t show her flubbing her lines), but I don’t get her.  She’s not really that attractive (not important, but kinda is – these are women we talking about), or even all that amazing of an actress.  I wonder what her sister Kate thinks.  She’s like – step off b!tch – I’ve been acting since 1997, and you, only since 2005, and you got an Oscar nom, and I got to be in that Fantastic Four remake no one saw.  Well, in Carol, Rooney’s like the main character, and she’s mainly blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and blank and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  The movie kinda is too.  IT ALL LOOKS SOOOO FCUKING AMAZING (to look at), but feels very empty, too empty, so empty, empty like a pocket – like the emptiest empty of all time. There are screen emotions going on – and we want these two ladies to make it work – but the emotions are left onscreen, and never transferred themselves to me.  You want a love story that will tear you apart?  Watch Love Story.  If you want a bore story, watch Carol

If only Carol were a painting, and hung in a museum – where it belongs – then it would be a masterpiece.  As a movie – it’s an Edward Hopper painting that’s not much of a movie – a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZsterpiece

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Carol leZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZies it up in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Totally Recalled

The Martian
Better Off Red (Planet)
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 142 min

the martiasn

There’s juss something about Matt Damon.  Who doesn’t love Matt Damon?  Well, if Matt Damon gets stranded on Mars, you root for Matt Damon to do whatever he needs to do to survive and get off Mars.  That’s what happens in Ridley Scott‘s movie version of Andy Weir‘s 2011 novel of the same name.  Humanity gets a little screentime to root on Matt Damon, but for the most part, we’re stuck with the rooting from the people who got him stuck there in the first place  – his fellow astronauts who thought he was dead and left him there for dead, the NASsholes of NASA back on Earth looking to solve this PR nightmare as soon as possible, and the engineers who are trying to actually solve the actual problem, actually.  If any of these non-Matt Damon people in the movie were the ones stranded on Mars, we’d probably be rooting for them to have their faces explode (Jeff Daniels being my leading candidate)

This movie is great.  Not Ridley Scott Prometheus great, but it’s close!  It’s like it, but there are no aliens.  People love aliens, cause they scare us.  Martian didn’t need aliens, but it wouldn’t have hurt to have them.  Martian was > than Interstellar, which was awesome itself, but suffered from a lame ending, and Martian feels more real and realistic than that other movie with a stranded Damon, and Jessica Chastain in it.  Martian was also ten zillion times better than Gravity, but mainly cause I wanted Sandra Bullock AND George Clooney to be lost in space 9ever and I didn’t get my wish

So how you like them Martians, eh??  Very much so, thank you!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Martian is currently orbiting at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Ian Phlegming

Bland, James Bland
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 148 min


I’m digging the origin digging going on in these Daniel Craig James Bond flicks.  Sadly, I’m not fully digging on all of the films.  With the 4 Craig flicks – it’s been GREAT! (Casino Royale), then BLAH! (Quantum of Whatever), then HECK YEAH! (Skyfall), and now – with Spectre – it’s like ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A total snoozefest!!!!!!!!!!

All I remember is like Bond driving a car in Rome or something, and seducing Monica Bellucci in all of 5 seconds and then she’s gone from the movie, and then Bond goes to some snowy place, and then he goes to another snowy place and then like wants to help Léa Seydoux cause she’s hot, and then they have to go to Tangiers or something and then there’s a mouse, and a hidden room, and then they go to the desert and cross paths with Christoph Waltz as a nehru jacketed doctor of evil [spoiler alert]

Christoph Waltz nehru jacket

and then?  I dunno – some kinda conclusion that’s not conclusive, or interesting

I like the rebooting of the Bond character – but it’s time to hit the reboot button again.  Maybe they should try to go ultra-cheesy and do a throwback to the Roger Moore days.  Why not even do a Bond period piece?  Or Bond as a ninja??  Everyone loves ninjas.  Or Bond orbiting Uranus????

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badger

Spectre is not so spectre-tacular at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Monica Bellucci


A Guy Named Dalton

The Brave One
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 124 min


Dalton Trumbo had an awesome name, and an awesome mustache, but his life was far from awesome.  Yeah, the man won two Academy Awards for writing screenplays, but the first one he won – had another writer’s name attached to it instead of his, and his second one had to have a pseudonym on it cause he couldn’t work under his own name.  Ya see – Dalton Trumbo was an unabashed, overly outspoken communist living in America, who loved America – but he lived in a time where being red was scary to others, and so when the House Un-American Activities Committee came calling and wanted him to come name calling, he refused, and so he + 9 others became the Hollywood Ten – blacklisted from working in Hollywood, and living a normal life

Jay Roach‘s Trumbo tells (t)his story.  And (t)his story was actually already told, in doc form, back in 2007 with the eggsalad, and same named Trumbo.  I love docs so much, and would normally tell you that you MUSS see the doc before bothering with the movie (or not bother with the movie at all), but this movie is juss as good at telling the story – even if the movie itself feels like one of those biopic movies made for HBO – you know, a good movie, but nothing highly cinematic

But I had fun watching the mostly downs of Trumbo’s life, cause the cast was having such a hoot hooting along.  There was Helen Mirren being a bitch, Diane Lane being supportive, John Goodman being loud, Louis CK trying to act, Elle Fanning fanning the flames, Alan Tudyk tudyuking, and Michael Stuhlbarg playing Edward G. Robinson!!!  

And then there’s Bryan Cranston.  By the time Breaking Bad was winding down, I grew tired of Bryan Cranston.  This fatigue had less to do with him, and more juss to do with everyone not shutting up about Bryan Cranston, and so my opinion on him started to sour a bit.  I was like, enuff with the Bryan Cranston!!!!!!!!!  But after his trumboniously delicious work as the title character here, I have a full on trumboner for Bryan Cranston again.  And he’s sooooo good with that thick mustache (and smoking) that I think he should shave his head and play Rich Uncle Pennybags in a Monopoly movie!!!

monopoly man

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Trumbo trumbos tonight in NY/LA and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…



Beauty Is Only Skin Depp

Black Mass
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min

black mass

American Hustle basically sucked.  Black Mass is the opposite of American Hustle, although the two share a decade, large pompadour hairdos, and strong machismo overacting

Above all – Johnny Depp is terrifying as real-life baddie Whitey Bulger.  And above that – Depp is udderly incredible in the film.  Obviously Depp is an incredible actor, but this may be his best (non-Tim Burton) performance since 1998’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  I credit two things with this great achievement – the hair and the make-up.  So far, I’m rooting for no horses in the Oscar race, but Depp’s Mass face deserves a gold man, so I guess I’m rooting for that

Depp’s bad hair, bad skin, and cold blue killer eyes will haunt me 9ever

black mass deopp


his look is like a combo of this-es…

Johnny S. Thompson Loathing with Fear

fear loathing depp

meets all the Biff Tannens of BTTFII

biff tannen II

biff old ii

biff ii

meets Flattop of Dick Tracy

flat top dick tracy

meets William Forsythe in general

william forsyth

meets Coppola’s Dracula

coppola dracula

meets Electro of Spider-unwatchble-reboot-2


meets Gollum


meets the creepy-eyed lizard aliens of V


Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Black Mass preaches the bad words currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

black mass teef

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