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2 Vast, 2 Laborious

8 Fast 8 Furious (The Fate of the Furious)
The DEFLATE of the Furious
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 136 min

Welcome to 8 Fast 8 Furious!

(previously – #4 / #5 / #6 / #7)

And so long my unquestioned love of the Furious films!

Wait, what????

Yep, the Fate of The Furious may have sealed it’s fate by reaching a point of no return.  It may NEVER be able to return to the days of pure dumb fun, and may just keeping going (of course it will keep going), minus the fun – aka, pure DUMB

HOW IS IT SO??!?!??!?!

I dunno, but when did our beloved hot-head car racers turn into SEAL Team Six meets G.I. Joe????????????????


is this picture from 8 Furious or G.I. Joe? is there even a difference??

Why do they have to stop Bond villains from stealing bombs, on ice???


is this picture form 8 Fast or that awful Bond flick Die Another Die?

When did it become the Fast crew’s job to do things above their pay grade, and above what they really need to be doing – which is juss drive cars, fast, and impress fast hot chicks!  

And when did the bad guys all become fairytale cyberterrorists???

WTF Fast and Furious?  

And where did the humor go?  Sure, Tyrese has some good lines (one in particular, when trying to read Cyrillic Russian), and Jason Statham makes cute baby talk, but whoever is writing the one-liners should be given a one-way ticket to be buried alive.  What, was the guy who wrote the Running Man screenplay buried alive and not available?

Is this what happens with Paul Walker’s character walks away??  You have to go bigger and worse???  Or you have to have more scenes of talking, and less scenes of driving???  I mean the remote controlled car scene was INSANE, but, what is going on here?  Maximum Overdrive IN OVERDRIVE????

I mean, I feel that the road we’re headed on – 9 Fast 9 Furious will find our beloved crew saving the Earth from aliens!!!!  

and of course I’ll be there to witness it.  juss please make it fcuking good.  PLEASE!! and dump the stuff that doesn’t belong that is making Fast seriously slow

Verdictgo: the lowest that Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges goes

I am furious at Furious, currently at a theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Deer White People

Get Out
The Step-Stepford Wives
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 104 min

I finally got out and saw Get Out.  It’s true!  And it was good!  Way to make a real movie Jordan Peele!  I thought all you were gonna do was be in a bunch of Keanus (which isn’t a bad thing, juss more of the same kinda thing), and yer directorial debut movie had some Keanu-ish stuff with comic relief from Lil Rel Howery, but some seriously good serious stuff too!

It was scary! And creepy!  Even Catherine Keener was supes creepers jeepers, and so was Caleb Landry Jones and Stephen Root! And Bradley Whitford was douchey as always!!  And Allison Williams, who is not much of an actress, totally did that things she does – being a white chick!!  And Posh Kenneth from Skins (Daniel Kaluuya) is in something other than Skins (that I know of)!  [aside – man, Skins was the fcuking best!]

Half way thru the movie, I knew exactly where it was all going, but I still enjoyed the rest of the ride

Then when I left the theater, I was like, man, I REALLY need to see 1975’s Stepford Wives again.  And so I did (and you can too here), and was like, MAN, Get Out is a modern, but loving and topical, rip-off of The Stepford Wives!  I have a feeling that most people who saw AND loved Get Out have never encountered the Ira Levin novel or 1975 movie version.  You/them peoples should get out (or stay in) and go see that…

…and see Katharine Ross in a see-thru nightie!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Get Out is still in theaters, and digital/disc things next month

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Things That Make You Go Hummus

In Search of Israeli Cuisine
Melting Pot of Jewish Culinary Gold
Official Site | Trailer
Not Rated | 94 min

Know what would make a great TV show?  This documentary!

Director Roger Sherman and restaurateur Michael Solomonov take their love of Israeli food and attempt to explain what it is today and where it came from in a delicious new doc called In Search of Israeli Cuisine

What the doc certainly did was made me hungry (although I have my limits of tomato intake)

What it didn’t really do is make me hungry to go visit Israel (I’ve been, and liked it, but I have many other places to see first before I give it a 2nd go)

What it did do is give me a good general idea of how the Israeli food culture came to be, melding from all different Jewish cultures around the world who eventually settled together in one new place where a cuisine basically had to be invented

What it didn’t really do is come up with exact answers… cause there aren’t any

But a doc should be probing, not jumping from one kitchen visit to another, with some farms and wineries thrown in between.  A TV show doesn’t have to be probing, and can spend more time with cooks AND the kitchens, and the eating.  Somehow 94 minutes felt like an eternity, but if you took the bits and expanded and spread them out into 6-10 thirty minute episodes, I think the material would simmer a bit more than it did in one long doc form

Regardless, I love hummus and falafel, and pickled things, and plenty of other Jewish food.  It was nice to see and hear about them on a screen.  If you do too, you may want to watch this as well.  If you plan to visit Israel, this is where your Yelp recommendations and bookmarkings begin

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Search continues in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Here Comes Johnny Yen Again

T2 Trainspotting
Begbie, Borrow and/or Steal
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 117 min

There are things in this world that are so great as is, that they are best left alone, and don’t require follow-ups, new editions or reinvention.  Just ask Coke, a 2nd Clinton in the White House, Star Wars prequels, and most sophomore albums of bands from the mid aughts

But in this day and age, nothing is sacred, and nothing is left alone (especially when name and brand recognition = eyeballs & $$$s), and the results have not only been NOT horrifying, but udderly fresh and fantastic.  We thought we had enough of Hannibal Lecter, but then came the brilliant TV show that perhaps outshone even Silence of the Lambs!  Or how about Bates Motel – which dared to breathe new life into the musty sports coat of Norman Bates, and the result was the furthest thing from sacrilege – it felt like home.  Even Star Wars was able to turn things around, outside of Lucas’ grip, bringing a force, back to the… force.  Heck, even Dumb and Dumber To somehow was able to recapture the same exact magic it brought to this world 20 years ago.  What all these entertainments have in common is the proper embrace of their grand pasts, but able to move forward WHILE being familiar

One thing I never thought I wanted was a 2nd helping of Trainspotting.  Yes, I know there was an Irvine Welsh book sequel, but the 1996 movie changed my life, and I didn’t want anything to change that.  It inspired me to never do heroin, live for Britpop music (can’t imagine my ears without Pulp & Blur), and even study abroad in the British Isles back in ’98.  Even made my way up to Edinburgh while there, to try and retrace the steps of Renton and Spud, but sadly, Google maps wasn’t in play til 2005, so I wasn’t able to do the proper locationspotting that I love to do

To this day, Danny Boyle‘s Trainspotting is tied for #1 on my list of the best of the bestest movies of balls thyme, along side It’s A Wonderful Life, A Clockwork Orange, Citizen Kane, Zodiac and Psycho (and maybe The Princess Bride).  I had seen the movie a bazillion times on VHS and DVD, but eased off of it for the past decade.  Then it was announced that Boyle and Ewan McGregor had finally made peace and were ready to move forward with a sequel  

Who am I to question a 2nd round, when all the principal people are involved, and it was going to happen no matter what my feelings were.  Well, it was certainly happening, and this meant I needed to see the original again, and luckily it played in a theater last month and I got reacquainted with my old friends, before I got to get reacquainted… with my old friends, in a sequel 21 years after the fact

I’m a different movie-goer these days.  I try not to, and usually don’t get excited about movies anymore.  You only burn yourself when you get yer hopes up way too high, and I’m tired of getting my hopes up, only to see my hopes sh!t upon (sports fandom taught me that the hard way).  So I was excited that there was going to be more of the Trainspotting crew in a cinematic form, but curbed my enthusiasm as much as humanly possible 

And so, I saw T2 Trainspotting, and…

  • if you were any kind of fan of #1, you MUST see #2.  it’s made for you (and me).  it’s NOT made for newcomers (or haters).  you can’t just jump into this world without #1, and you probably won’t like it as a stand alone film even if you did
  • it doesn’t really feel like a sequel.  it feels more like a remix extension, made with fresh paint, but using the same original tools (even writer John Hodge and producer Andrew Macdonald are back!).  a lot of the beloved songs from the original are actually remixed in the new one, and it doesn’t feel used, kinda new-sed.  speaking of – the music/soundtrack was of course brilliant, but not sure why no love for Damon Albarn?  they couldn’t fit a Gorillaz song in there??
  • the pacing works just as well as it did in the original, but the original was slightly over 90 minutes, and I felt like the new one should have followed suit, instead of hovering close to 2 hours.  not sure where to cut, but I’m not an editor
  • I was all for everything that happened in the movie, but there’s one scene late in the film that I felt was a little too dark, too bleak, and it briefly took away from my enjoyment of the film, and the series as a whole, but it is what it is, and perhaps it needed that bleak darkness in it. I mean, these films aren’t all fun and games, right?
  • after it was said and done, I felt that the plot wasn’t all that strong (when compared to #1s), and the new female character wasn’t all that well utilized, BUT, plain and simple – I loved the film and VERY happy it exists.  The movie juss made me happy.  It really did, and it’s obviously not a very happy movie.  I was happy to spend more time with my old pals Renton, and Ewen Bremner as Spud, and Jonny Lee Miller and Sick Boy, and even a few minutes of Kelly Macdonald as Diane (although I coulda handled like a few gajillion minutes with her)
  • but what am I most pleased with? Robert Carlyle‘s return as Begbie.  Begbie is my everything.  Always has been.  Begbie is Trainspotting‘s everything.  The time in between the two movies, he’s been stuck in jail.  I wish they would re-write that, and set him free, and literally make a series of Begbie movies, of Begbie being Begbie, Begbeing all over the place. [Update – THEY MAY JUST MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE!!!]  Begbie.  Just saying (or typing) his name brings joy to my soul.   Begbie is a horrible human being/character, but I beg for more Begbie.  Begbie, please always Beg-BE, and I will forever be spotting

Trainslurping: love the new girl Anjela Nedyalkova (even though she was underused)

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

T2 terminates your brain in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Bat Out of Hellz Yeah!!!

The LEGO® Batman Movie
Boy Wonder Boys
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG | 104 min

Like me, you’re human.  Like me, you LOVED The LEGO® Movie!!!  Everything about it was awesome, especially the Batman parts, and so when they decided to make a LEGO® Batman Movie, of course you and I had to see it, and of course we knew it was gonna be AND actually would be equally as AWESOME as the other LEGO® movie was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Batman and the Gotham universe is rich in everything – characters, scenery, color, darkness, awesomeness, and history – and it’s all on display, tongue in cheek, in another mad dash of 100 minutes of LEGO® brick building (and destroying) fun for all ages  

The thing about these LEGO® movies vs actual movies is that the possibilities of what they can do is limitless.  When they make a real Batman movie with humans, they are limited.  They can’t have too much fun, and they can’t do everything.  Well, EVERYTHING happened in this LEGO® Batman Movie, and even though it’s seems like they did everything, I’m sure it won’t be hard for them to top this if they go for a 2nd round of LEGO® Batman Movie (please Lord, make it happen)  

To be honest – this one LEGO® Batman Movie was more entertaining than anything Christopher Nolan ever did with the character, or in fact, any super hero movie released this century done did!  Like LEGO® Batman’s password would say – IRON MAN SUCKS!!!

I don’t see a lot of animated movies, mainly cause I’m an adult without kids (and would much rather see a documentary or an old black & white movie), and mainly cause they don’t make them like they used to, but whatever they’re doing when making these LEGO® movies, they need to NEVER stop, EVER with them

They need to take EVERY existing franchise and turn them into LEGO® movies.  I’m sure they’ll eventually somehow make a Star Wars one, and when they do, it will be better than the new Star Wars movies they’ve been making.  IT WILL BE TRUE!!!

Wouldn’t you rather see young Han Solo as a LEGO®, then as a human who isn’t Harrison Ford?

LEGO® my eggo!!!  And my Solo!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Batman is batsh!t awesome at a theater near jews AND white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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