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The March of Times

Selma
(Mostly) Down With The King
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min

selma

How has there never been a full length feature film made about Martin Luther King Jr, before Ava DuVernay‘s Selma marched onto the scene????  HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW????  I know Spike Lee wanted to make one, and I’m sure Spielberg did too, and anyone else who has a brain in Hollywood (about 4 people), and yet none got made.  And so we have/are stuck with Selma, which is a good start, but certainly not the greatest, for a man who deserves greatness.  Selma is such a small, albeit important, part of the King legacy, but for a movie mainly about him, don’t we want to see the complete picture?  The rise AND the fall?  The march on Washington and the assassination in Memphis????  There aren’t 20 Malcolm X movies, but the one we have is definitive.  It tells the whole story.  Who’s gonna bother now with a whole King movie?  Throne alone!

Well, we got Selma.  Its got some good (David Oyelowo as King is a royal treat, and so is his MLK Jr stache, and the costumes, and the other stuff), but it also has some whateves.net (like it be mad dry and boring at times – several times! and Oprah, why do you have to be in movies????  you add nothing to everything cinematic!  stay behind the scenes and just throw your money at movies so they can get made!!  and what’s with all the British actors playing Americans?  it’s like letting James Bond being played by a Yankee – and I aint talkin bout Derek Jeter).  But we got Selma, and it’s alright.  We shall overcome this!  Maybe we won’t, but we all have dreams

but will never undercome for such hotness as…

Carmen Ejogo

Carmen Ejogo

+

Tessa Thompson

tessa thom

tessa 3

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Selma blairs at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

ebony

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Lies Wide Shut

Big Eyes
Pretty (Brutal) As A Picture
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

big eyes

Margaret Keane made some pretty freaky looking art in the 60s – you know, those ones with them kids with giant scary eyes. Well, apparently during the height of the paintings’ fame and fortunes, it was her husband, Walter Keane, who took ALL the credit for creating them, while Margaret kept a blind eye and muted mouth, perpetuating the lie.  Eventually she had had enough of the lies, and Walter, and went public with the truth.  Tim Burton‘s Big Eyes tells this story, and while I guess it’s a story that should be told, it’s not an enjoyable one to listen to whatsoever

Big Eyes is zero fun to watch.  That doesn’t mean that Burton didn’t do the job visually – in fact, the 60s hazy glow, and Keane’s painting all shine bright (and worth most of the price of admission), but the story behind the easel is juss too much to deal with.  But if you’re super into Christoph Waltz being a smarmy jerk to Amy Adams for slightly over and hour and a half, then stare wide at Big Eyes!  (and listen to Lana Del Rey’s amazing song!)

Verdictgo: very very mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Eyes blink currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Lunch Special Bulletin

The Search For General Tso
Dish Dished!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Unrated | 71 min

search general tso

Finally, there’s a doc answering the question that no one was dying to know – who was General Tso, and why was a chicken dish named in his honor????? And now that I know the answers, all I want to do is eat 1291238910120120 lbs of General Tso’ chicken and be his best friend.  Sadly the great General is long gone, and whether or not he actually did ever love chicken is an answer lost to history, but director Ian Cheney, writer Jennifer 8 Lee and producer Amanda Murray give us all the upload on the down-low we can swallow, in a taut, fun and crazily informative 71 minutes.  Not only do we learn of Tso and the who, when, where, how and why of the signature dish, but the history past & present of how Chinese food and America became the greatest United States union since Lewis & Clark  

Here’s hoping that their next doc will focus on the ever-growing phenomenon that is Sesame Chicken Friday

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tso generally rules, in limited release and VOD

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Pynchon With The Show!

Inherent Vice
California Scheming
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 148 min

Inherent Vice

In a haze and in a daze, Paul Thomas Anderson‘s take on Thomas Pynchon‘s Inherent Vice is well worth toking.  Why?

it’s…

(thankfully not the dis-Master)

Lebowski-y, but smarter(!)(?)

lebowski

and says hello to The Long Goodbye

long goodbye

and is as serious (and seriously silly) as Joe Friday’s haircut

LSDeez nutz

A video posted by Thigh Master (@thighmaster) on

and Eli Cash-y

eli cash

and Paul Avery Zodiac-y

paul avery drinky

and Nathan Thurm-y squirmy

and Shasta-y

shasta

and Katherine Waterston continues her ‘brave’ (read – ‘nude’) work in cinema

kat water

waterston vice

and all this equals…

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Vice is nice at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Charles Dance Off Pants Off

The Imitation Game
The Code Less Traveled
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

imitation game

Everyone is gay for Benedict Cumberbatch.  So when Benedict Cumberbatch plays a gay guy, does everyone get gayer than all these people???  YESS!!!!

In The Imitation Game, Bennie Cumby plays Alan Turing, the godfather of computers, and the man that broke the Nazi Enigma machine code, and shortened WWII by II years.  WHAT A GUY!!!  But he was gay, and being gay back then was not all that, like being gay is now all that.  He couldn’t wear feather boas in the streets or see Can’t Stop The Music in theaters, and ultimately it cost him his dignity and his life.  WOAH!!!

The movie is his story – becoming gay, going gay for Maths (love how British people call it ‘Maths’), then going gay for cracking codes and saving the world, then juss being gay, and getting in trouble for it.  SO GAY!!!  But all this gayness doesn’t make for a super gay movie – it’s actually a pretty straightforward tale of men (and a woman – Keira Knightley) at war and trying to end it – and it’s good stuff – juss nothing super gay that will make you shoot rainbows out of your butt

BUTT – Charles Dance – cinema’s greatest modern screen a$$hole (a SAG-HOFer) – gets to be a screen a$$hole to a cocky Cumberbatch.  I could watch them go at it ALL DAY (not in a gay way, but yes, also in a gay way).  Sadly, they don’t go at it all day, so I guess I’ll hope for Imitation Game 2 or juss a 2nd pairing between the two (although the two have been in 2 other things together but not sure they shared the screen at the same time)  

I mean, who doesn’t want to see a Benedict-Charles dance off pants off???

cumerbatch dance

charles dance lets dance

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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