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Killing Me, Hardly

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl
Me Hurl and The Dying For This Movie To End
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

me earl dying girl

I don’t even know exactly how to sum up how much I didn’t like (and basically HATTTTTTTTTTTTTED) this movie, and I really don’t have to bother since David Edelstein somehow captured my thoughts exactly, but…

if you are looking for a crappier version of…

The Fault in Our Stars

fault stars

but less romantic

platonic

that focuses on one of THE most annoying and non-interesting teenage protagonists I’ve encountered in a while (this is not actually him)

annoying teenager

who is forced by his mom to hang out with that super adorable girl from Bates Motel, who has nothing to do in the movie cept have big eyes, and eventually shave her head cause she has cancer

olivia cooke

and our annoying teen boy gets by in his dweeby high school life with his quirky black friend (think Urkel, but not really.  I juss wanted to post a gif of Urkel)

urkel

and together they re-make movies in a way that’s somehow dumber then the ultra-dumb Be Kind Rewind

and the whole movie feels like the 193482382th Wes Anderson Rushmore rip-off you’ve ever seen

rushmore2

rushmore1

and the movie feels like one giant cancer guilt trip, that isn’t worth taking

guilt trip poster

and for some reason Nick Offerman is in it, and he’s basically as exciting as the grumpy looking cats he looks like

nick offerman

and if I don’t have anything nice to say, too bad, cause I already said it, but don’t see this movie cause it sucks, besides MAYBE the last last 5 minutes, but getting to that last five minutes is pointless torture, but I will say something nice – the Pittsburgh-regional locations for the movie were AWESOME!  Especially the high school they used!

SCHENLEY HIGH SCHOOL

SCHENLEY HIGH SCHOOL 2

Verdictgo: f this movie, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Him, Earl and Toe Jam zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzes you in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

0 Comments

Walt Disney Imagi-Near-Future-ing

Tomorrowland
Tomorrow Comes Today
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 130 min

tomorrowland

This new Disney movie be like…

worlds fair 64

+

2 (1)

+

small world

+

space mountain

+

70s sci-fi art

70s future book 70s future

+

futurama

+

FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR!!!!!!!!!

flight of the navigator

+

days of wheat

Star Wars merchandising

spaceballs

+

+ that girl from Under Duh Dome, showing all of her emotions

britt dome3

britt dome2

britt dome

+ that ole cocky, annoying lothario

clooney face

+ little girl robots!!

small wonder

and what does it equal????????????

TOMORROWLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

A movie that’s PG and one of the better live action PG movies that I’ve seen, and the amount of live action PG movies I’ve seen in the past 5 years is like none!!!  Probably not true, but if you like the idea of the future, in Walt Disney’s eyes, but with like the techmology of the actual future, and not the one Walt dreamed of in the 60s, but sorta like the one Walt dreamt up in the 60s, then you’ll probably like this movie, even though they could have spent more time in Tomorrowland, instead of in Todayland, but these complaints are from Yesterdayland

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Tomorrowland is in your land, today, at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Turing Point

Ex Machina
Ro-bust!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 108 min

ex machina

Ever wanted to see a less big A.I.?  You can in Alex Garland‘s Ex Machina, which is quiet and creepy and sexy and scary, and welll designed, and stuff!

It’s got dweeby Domhnall Gleeson trying to disguise his Irish accent with a horrible American accent, and Alicia Vikander trying not to be super hot cause she’s a robot who is super hot, and Oscar Isaac trying not to be a nice guy, and trying to be an amazing dancer (with Sonoya Mizuno) AND SUCCEEDING!!!

machina danc23

machina dance

What’s the movie about?  Robots, humans, robots interacting with humans, humans interacting with robots.  What is real?  What is robotz?  What are emotions?  How amazing a dancer is Oscar Isaac?  How badly do you want to stay at this place in Norway (where the film was filmed)?

Question is, do you like robots and da future and questions?  If you answer ‘yes’ or ‘ellllls yeah’ to all three, then see this film

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Machina ruins smoothy at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

0 Comments

Phat Amy

Pitch Perfect 2
Not Awful!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

pitch perfect 2

I don’t think I sat all the way thru Pitch Perfect 1 (I was probably laying/lying, not sitting). The wife said, lets watch it on TV, and she watched it, while I played on my phone and mocked it while 1/2 paying attention. It was a movie you can get the gist of in about 8 seconds – it’s Glee, with girls as the focus, and maybe more laffs, but not really

Well, a funny thing happened on the way to being forced to see #2… after 5 minutes of eye-rolling, my eyes stood in place, and my ears followed, and I sat thru the sequel – ALL OF IT. And you know what, it was not awful! Sure, this thing was far from sexy or original or awesome or deep or anything, but it has more going for it AND was more enjoyable than Sucker Punch is/was, and Sucker Punch had scantily clad women fighting ninjas or something!  

Pitch Perfect 2‘s plot is razor thin, but it makes up for it in the girth that is Fat Amy/Rebel Wilson, who doesn’t steal the show, cause she IS the show.  Without Fat Rebel Wilson, the movie would be nothing but mousy Anna Kendrick looking for cheese and Brittany Snow rolling her eyes more than I did when I was forced to watch #1, and Elizabeth Banks (who directed this movie!!!) and John Michael Higgins with their not so witty repartee reprising its repetitive rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s.  But don’t worry, you get all of Fat Wilson, and the fat butt and fart and poop jokes that come with it!!  + Keegan-Michael Key! and David Cross!  and Snoop Dogg!!  and some Green Bay Packers!!!!!

The Pitch Perfercts are light and fluffy and pitch perfect for viewers young and old, but if it REALLY wanted to razzle dazzle (at least if it wanted to dazzle my razzles), they should go light on the tunes and heavier on the theatrics.  Time to Step-Up evermore yo!

Verdictgo: sirprizingly Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Pitch fast at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Thigh Octane

Mad Max: Fury Road
Beyond BeliefAwesomeDome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 120 min

mad max fury road

woah George Miller, WOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You made 3 Mad Max movies that kicked ass 19ever ago, then went soft with pigs and penguins, but then you were like, fcuk it, I’m going back to the well, and I’m going to kick the fcuking ballistics to the nth degree and to the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnth degree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of describing in words what his new AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZINGGGGGGGGGG Mad Max movie is about and what it’s like, we’ll take a page from the movie’s book, and keep the talking to a minimum, and let the pictures do the talking

SHIZ was OUT OF FCUKING CONTROL, from start to finish, and was like this…

castle greyskull

bane

weaver shave

rosie whitley

zz_2

michael j anderson

binaca

nightmare b4 xmas

dune

twisty

pricislla queen of desert

guitra on fire

jem

monster trucks

psycho mad max

Tusken Raiders

blues bros car chase

hills have eyes

road runner

bmx bandits

crank sttham

gonzo

the mummy desert

the mummy desert

fast furious

croc dundee

all other movies are not movies, cause

THIS IS A MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Beyond Hotttiedome:  I’m down for a post-apoclayptic world, but only if Cheedo the Fragile is my sex slave.  BLESS YOU COURTNEY EATON!!!

Courtney Eaton 2

Courtney Eaton 3

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

go Mad for Max at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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