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Pita Sellers

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
Feta Re-Upped
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 94 min

my big fat greek wedding 2

10 minutes into My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, when the entire cast from 1 shows up to a college fair, embarrassing Nia Vardalos and John Corbett‘s kin Elena Kampouris, I thought – this movie is about to head DEEP into Awfulville and set up permanent residency there.  But somehow, it left Awfulville and headed west into Acceptableville, and then onto Itsreallynotthatbadville, and settled in juss nicely to Icantbelieveikindaenjoyedthismovieville!

I did not pay to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 – and I probably wouldn’t pay to see it knowing what I know, but I would STILL see it.  Why?  My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is probably the most harmless movie I’ve seen in awhile – and all it wants to do is ooze ouzo happiness and in turn make you happy  

Sure, Nia Vardalos is still annoying and very annoying and super annoying, and the jokes and stereotypes are recycled from the first film, and our characters do as much growing as a Chia Pet does without seeds or water, and the script was probably written on a stack of napkins, and there’s as much drama and plot as 2 seasons of Salute Your Shorts combined, and it’s kinda too much of a Rita Wilson vanity project (she produced it, gave herself a small role, AND sings the song playing over the closing credits), but who cares?

If you enjoyed spending ANY amount of time with this ‘zany’ Greek-American family 14 years ago, you can probably survive, and actually enjoy a reunion with them today, and maybe even laff a little, like I did – pretty much anytime Andrea Martin or Michael Constantine said or did anything

Opa!

But seriously Nia, no love for the Gyro poster girl???

gyrpos girl

VerdictgoJeepers Worth A Peepers

Greek invents happiness at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Make Room For Winstead

10 Cloverfield Lane
Archie Bunkered
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 103 min

10 cloverfield lane

I’ve always looked at Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Brie Larson as hip modern hottie awesome acting equals.  They’ve shared credits in two movies – the too cool for its own good Scott Pilgrim vs. the World + the not another teeny movie The Spectacular Now, and they share my love and attention

Brie hit the jackpot with Room, but methinks Mary Elizabeth Winstead could have pulled off the role too.  And how do I know this?  Winstead got a Room of her own – in 10 Clovefield Lane – a not so-sequel sequel to the kinda meh 2008 movie without a # or street type.  But in Cloverfield Lane, ME Winstead isn’t stuck in a room with her kid (so there’s not much to sniffle about here) – she’s a girl stuck in a bunker with a crackpot John Goodman and a bearded John Gallagher Jr (who played Brie’s boyfriend in the great Short Term 12), and it’s weird and strange and mysterious and it keeps you guessing and stuff, all in a good AND uneasy way

Cloverfield Lane aint no Room, cause it’s Room meets The Martian meets 28 Days Later.  Explaining why it’s all those meetings would give things away, and I don’t want to give away any of the fun of this fun movie, that’s not really fun, but it is, but it isn’t

Sure, Winstead won’t be getting any Oscar noms for her peformance in Cloverfield, but she’s juss as good as Larson is in her Room.  Life isn’t fair, Oscars are certainly not fair, but if there were an awards for bestest eyes, Winstead would beat out Larson easily and breezily.  The eyes have it, and Winstead’s have me, for always and 5ever

winstead eyes 3

winstead eyes 2

winstead eyes

VerdictgoJeepers Worth A Creepers

Cloverfield bunkers down at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Woods You Rather?

The Witch
Fraught Pilgrims vs the World
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 92 min

the witch

Somewhere between The Crucible and The Village (and The Wicker Man) lives Robert EggersThe Witch – a quiet creeper that will have you shying away from the woods, and goats, and time traveling back to a time in American history where pilgrims prided themselves on their own pride

This story is about a pilgrim family, expelled from a pilgrim colony, and forced to make it on their own in the New England wilderness of the 17th century (that’s the 1600s, for those knot in the know).  The family doesn’t have much beyond themselves and prayer.  There’s a father (Ralph Ineson, better known as The Office‘s Finchy) whose trying to keep his family afloat (and somehow builds an entire house on his own… although the building of said house is not shown in the movie), a wife (Kate Dickie) who doesn’t seem to do too much, outside of birthing kids and yelling at them, and… a bunch of kids.  The one kid doing most of the stuff around the household (Anya Taylor-Joy) lets the one thing happen that never should have – as she was caring for her baby brother – BOOM – the baby disappears!!  Where did the baby go?  Was it snatched up by a wolf?  A witch?  A wolfwitch? A chipwich?????

This is where things get quieter and creepier – and where our family members start venturing into the woods, when you know they shouldn’t go anywhere near it.  More bad things happen, again, and again, and family members start to get possessed, and then they start turning on one another.  More bad things happen, and then things go even quieter, and even creepier, and BOOM – the movie ends

What happened?  What’s up with that woman who looks like the woman from the Shining bathtub?  Why does this feel like an M Night Shamalalaananan movie (the good kind, like he used to make)?  Who would want to leave their country and live in the middle of nowhere of a new country?  How is Finchy not in every movie???  You might have the same questions, or form your own, but The Witch won’t answer any of them – it will juss A and B-witch you from start to finish!!!

Ode To JoyAnya T-Joy is one to watch (and gawk at!)

anya-taylor-joy

VerdictgoJeepers Worth A Creepers

Witch is boom and vroooooooom at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Superprime Number Crunching

The Big Short
The Rooting of All Evils
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 130 min

the big short

Movies about the subprime mortgage crisis are either boring, too wordy, or juss not all that good (or all three).  Luckily Adam McKay‘s cinematic take on Michael Lewis‘ book The Big Short: Inside the Doomsday Machine is none of the above, although it admits to its audience that it is very wordy, but tries its best to put all the money talk into layman’s terms for us by breaking the 4th wall

We all know things didn’t go quite well with our economy in 2007, but did you know that there were some dudes who saw it coming and profited from it, by betting on America failing????  Yes, it’s true, although some names have been changed to protect the profiteers. And so you sit there, and you root for the dudes to make money by America losing!  You know that bubble’s gonna burst, and they do too, and we want them to win, cause what’s a movie if there are no heroes?  The big shots in The Big Short aren’t really heroes, but compared to the villainous big banks and the clueless government officials not seeing what troubles lie ahead, they are our heroes

We don’t need another hero!!!

Yeah, but if these smart money dudes are played by the likes of Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Finn WittrockJohn Magaro, and even a subdued Brad Pitt, who’s gonna root against those dudes???  

Come to think of it – the casting is super genius.  I mean, actor-wise – OBVIOUSLY, but lady-wise – BLAM.  You’re a guy, and you want to see a movie about economics and how you gonna sell that on your lady (or boyfriend or left hand or whatever you finger bang)?  Uh, honey, there’s a movie with Brad and Ryan and Christian in it.  Wanna see it?

So fcuking money, and you DO know it

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Short comes up Big at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Movie About Movies That Wasn’t There

Hail, Caesar!
What The Hail???
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

hail caesar

You sit there watching the Coen BrosHail, Caesar!, and you think to yourself – this is cool – they love old Hollywood, I love old Hollywood, they’re totally doing right by old Hollywood, and as the movie snappily moves along, you start to realize that nothing is really going on, and you’ve laughed MAYBE twice during this comedy, and by the time that Joel & Ethan’s name appear on screen to kick off the end credits, you start to question what in the film is there to actually hail?

It seems like the Coen Bros invested more time on casting, or OVER-casting (Josh Brolin, George Clooney, Alden Ehrenreich, Ralph Fiennes, Jonah Hill, Scarlett Johansson, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, Channing TatumAlison PillChristopher LambertFred MelamedPatrick FischlerDavid KrumholtzFisher StevensAlex KarpovskyClancy BrownRobert PicardoDolph Lundgren and Michael Gambon‘s voice), than they did trying to construct a fluid movie.  They have ideas – WAY too many of them – and they’d maybe work if they were short films, but together as one long film – it’s juss a bunch of loving valentines with no heart

What I don’t REALLY understand, like I also didn’t REALLY understand with Inside Llewyn Davis, is if this stuff is based on reallife stuff, then why do the Coen Bros bother to fictionalize it into fluff?  They would be better off actually making a movie about the real players, instead of trying to impress us with their impressions.  It’s a waste of their talents, and a waste of our time

I mean, they obviously put a lot of thought into the movie, but I juss didn’t think too much of it.  Less is more.  They needed less of most of it, and more Alden Ehrenreich.  He gets a hail + the sets + Josh Brolin’s tuff gruff + the double dip of Tilda Swinton

Trumbo captured a similar time and themes in Hollywood, but it lacked the professional polish the Coen Bros gave Caesar.  Maybe the Coen Bros should have made Trumbo, instead of trying to make a movie that makes you feel like a sad trombone after watching it

Hail YEAH!!: it’s been awhile since we highlighted some movie hotties.  so here’s two that need hailing!!!

Natasha Bassett

Natasha Bassett

Natasha Bassett 3

Natasha Bassett eyes

Natasha Bassett 2

&

Emily Beecham

Emily Beecham

Emily Beecham 2

Emily Beecham 3

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Caesar is a mixed salad today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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