wait, Howard Johnson’s made soda????

The People You Meet at McDonald’s

by Nolan Conway

spent a lovely weekend away in the Pennsylvania country with my (b)Abe

hit up Gettysburg which is far from Ghettosburg

he shot, we four-scored!

this takes a lot of balls, cannonballz!

can’t explain it, but there waz something in the air that juss made us free of care and made us carefree!!

>

then it was off to Mecca

where we pray to 555555 times a day

sadly we weren’t able to take a tour

but we did get to act like a p(Utz)

then it was off to Amish Country, where we got all buggy

and raised barns, and hell, and thought about buying this t-shirt

and thought about taking the Witness tour

and thought more about intercourse

and thought about eating anything with a ‘Z’ in it, from Sheetz znatchurally

and thought about putting this on everything we did eatz at Millers Smorgasbord

but didn’t

San Frandisco – easily America’s greatest non-ranch farts city

if you’ve never been, you might as well leave for Uranus, and orbit your own anus

I mean, where else you gonna see this sight???

ALCATRAZ!!!

bars none, one of the illest places to visit

it water TOWERS over all other prisons!!!

for birdmen and birdwomen everywhere!!!

i mean, if you had to go to one prison, wouldn’t you want to go here????

I mean, they have their own baseballs!!!

speaking of baseballsss

made my first ever visit to Pac-Bell/AT&T/Verizon/Bell Atlantic Park to see mees Nats lose 2 games

where Coke plays catch, and Sully from Monsters Inc is a true San Fran Giant!!!

ok, maybe that was a stretch

at the super dope Musée Mécanique, where they gots ye olde thyme arcade games and erotic movies!

but nothing beats this 7-11 deal

except eating Mexican food and using a corn cob to wipe yer butt

oh Mexican food, why you taste so good, but hurt butts so much??

but my butt was way OK with the House of Prime Rib

but my favorite restaurant on earth isn’t even a restaurant – it’s a chocolatier - See’s Candies

oh San Fran, why are you more beautiful than India Reynolds?

and why aren’t all gates painted orange vermillion like yer golden ones???

and why aren’t all hills this alive???

and why did Paul Stine have to die?

and why do a bunch of yer buildings look like the 70s version of the future (which is my favorite version of the future)????

OK, time to step out, cause this house is full

perv-iously…

A Fine Line Between Love And Haight

Blah Men? Game of Snoozes? yer watching the wrong TV shows…

WHY AREN’T YOU WATCHING BEATING OFF TO THE CLIENT LIST??????????????

where you can have your cake and have it smeared on your chest too

[gifs via]