Noah Baumbach and Guy Ritchie have nothing in common, cept they both direct films, and both were born in September (one yearish a part).  Other than that, I happen to see both of their latest cinematic adventures within a week of each other.  But their movies DO have something in common – both were nice tries, but kinda more of the same, but basically near misses, that were kinda enjoyable.  Knowwhatttamean?
The Man From U.N.C.L.E. is based off of a TV show that you’ve never seen (and neither of I), but it’s essentially a Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes movie, set in the mod 60s. Â It looks cool, zooms right along, but wasn’t much of anything. Â But it did have an American playing a Russian, a Brit playing an American and a Swede playing a German! Â What doesn’t make sense is how Ritchie used to make dumb fun movies, but with wit and bite. Â U.N.C.L.E. had a look, but no wit or bite. Â It didn’t have me crying U.N.C.L.E., but letz juss say I’m not camping out for a #2
Btw, I think I’d go gay for Henry Cavill.  I’ve been all in since I saw him on The Tudors, but now, more than EVER!!
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Noah Baumbach had previously done the impossible – he made the unwatchable Greta Gerwig watchable!!!  See Frances Ha… for more than juss laughs (HA!)!  A second helping of GG and Baumbach has gotta work the same mojo magic again, right?  You’d think, and while watching their Mistress America it kinda feels like it’s working, but in the end, it felt more like a misstepped Mistress!  Nothing felt natural – especially the acting – and none of the characters were all that likable, although I did like meeting Lola Kirke, who seems to be 1202102301320 times more talented than her sister, as seen on Girls.  I really tried and tried to like this movie. I DID. I want Baumbach to be our new Woody Allen, spewing out New York stories that I want to dive into, but not so fast there buddy.  We’re edging back to reality – where Greta Gerwig is unwatchable.  Still, I’d camp out for what the two do next… as long as she’s watchable
Verdictgo: juss cause I kinda liked both movies, doesn’t mean they’re great movies, so…Â Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges
The Mistress From U.N.C.L.E. are both playing at a theater near jews
Woody Allen‘s latest has four I-talianish stories that have nothing to do with each other, or really anything in general. Â here’s a breakdown of the 4 stories…
story 1 is about average schmo Roberto Benigni, who one day, for no reason, becomes famous for just being himself.  this story is more stoopid than a typical Roberto Benigni movie (not talking bout Life Is Beautiful here).  Woody should have just made him re-enact his winning an Oscar zaniness or maybe the two should juss remake Jerry Lewis’ never released The Day The Clown Died.  anywho, story 1 is a good story… to run out of the theater if you need to take a giant dump
story 3 is about Woody (BACK IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA BIZNITCHES!!!! AHHHH YEAH!!!!) meeting his daughter (not muse, but solid Allen player Alison Pill)’s about to be in-laws.  New Yorkers meet Romans – hilarity kinda mildly ensues, cause future in-law mortician papa (opera tenor Fabio Armiliato) is a diamond in the rough opera tenor superstar, but is only a blammazin singer in the shower.  Woody wants to make him a star, but how can he be a star without a shower????  We’ll juss leave it at that, as the what happens next stuff (WHICH YOU ALREADY PROBABLY ALREADY FINGERED OUT, ALREADY, CAUSE YOU SO SMART)  is one of the bettererer parts of the movie, sorta
story 4 is about Jesse Eisenberg who falls in love with his girlfriend’s (non-actress Greta Gerwig) actress best friend (Ellen Page), all while getting sage imaginary advice from Alec Baldwin.  This is the typical, watchable, enjoyable Woody Allen movie story plot thing that happens to be trapped in a movie with half crap and 1/4 of semi-amusingness
moral of the story – for a movie set in Italy, it’s kinda odd that all the bits and pieces that don’t work mainly have to do with the Italian characters and actors in the film.  our thinking like this is nots causes we’re American and only like American stuff (you’ve been to our older sister-site, NonUSHotties, right???), but it’s a fact, as proven by we, by saying so, and we juss said so, that the Italian parts need more spicing in the a meatballs
Verdictgo: acceptable low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers
*also happens to be one of the year’s bestest too!
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The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Most Overhyped Most Boring Movie of The Year That Has Only One Line of Dialog Repeated 9272767 Times ‘You Seen My Daddy?‘
thanks to Art of The Steal for forcing us to visit the Barnes Foundation at its real home in Merion, PA before it moves and that experience will never exist again and we’ll be even more super mad pissed than we are now!!
We somehow survived whatever piece of $hit Garry Marshall’s Valentine’s Day was.  We never even thought we’d ever need to think about that putrid eye and ear sore again, but then another Ashton Kutcher rom-com came a calling, and well, we had to figure out if the new one was the same kind of $hit, a wurser kind or a better kind.  How bout none of a kind?????  That’s cause Ashton Kutcher as an actor is a joke that’s beyond no longer funny.  Had his role in No Strings Attached been played by someone else, even someone basic and whatevs like Bradley Cooper or Josh Lucas, then maybe it could have worked.  Wait a second, what the f%&k are we saying???  No Strings Attached doesn’t work cause there’s zero drama, originality and moist importantly, a romance we can all get behind and swoon over, regardless of how dumb it is (spoiler: guess what, the meaningless sex DOES have meaning!).  Yet somehow we didn’t hate this movie, but that’s probably juss cause it’s not Valentine’s Day II, and we didn’t have to watch Ashton Kutcher go toe 2 boo with Jennifer Garner again
There are many great mysteries in this world, and you can now add ‘why did Natalie Portman agree to star opposite Ashton Kutcher in a movie???‘ to that list.  No one would question the pairing if this was a charity tennis match, but it’s not, it’s a movie, and Portman juss came off of a brilliant one where she masturbates and is perfect, and Kutcher was in some commercial about a camera or something.  We saw the movie and we still don’t understand how or why Natalie Portman would ever do anything with Ashton Kutcher, professionally or amateurally.  And yet we didn’t hate it.  Maybe cause we got to see such fun actors as Kevin Kline, Olivia Thirlby (remember her???), Lake Bell (even if her face looks like Crispin Glover’s), Mindy Kaling, Ludacris, Abby Elliott, Jennifer Irwin and Cary Elwes not do too much, other than give us other people to look at and listen to that aren’t Ashton Kutcher
There was one name we didn’t mention and that’s ‘actress’Â Greta Gerwig. Â Yea, Ms Mumblecore isn’t a real actor either and this joke is also starting to get a lil ye olde. Â But wait a second, what if Greta Gerwig was Ashton Kutcher’s love interest in No Strings Attached, or in anything for that splatter?!?!?!?!? Â Wethinks we’re onto something here!!! Â OMG, that would be the mostest perfect union disaster since the Union Carbide Bhopal disaster, but hell, we’d certainly want to see it, and we wouldn’t question anything about it, cause it would be like watching Juliette Lewis acting with a clone of herself!!! Â Somebody call Gus van Sant and get him to make a shot by shot remake of No Strings Attached and have the awkwardness of Gerwig and the stoopidness of Kutcher run amok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and Ivan Reitman directed this, and oh, it’s no Kindergarten Cop!! and none of son Jason‘s movies are Kindergarten Cop neither!!
25. Aug, 2015 
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