Thighs Wide Shut

Café Society
Cup Half Empty
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 96 min

There’s something to Woody Allen‘s latest entry – Café Society – but also, there’s not much to it.  You watch it and you go – hey, I’d love to be there, in that time period and in those fabulous places, with those endlessly beautifully sun-drenched lit scenes, and down some of those lush-looking drinks, and take a puff from those slow smoking c-gars!  This is like the gilded version of his 1999 film Sweet and Lowdown (one of my favorite modern Woody pics) – but somehow, his new jaunt is devoid of heart, soul and humor

It’s not the fault of our characters.  We like them, and we want to watch them do things.  There’s something to Jesse Eisenberg (playing the Woody role) chasing Kristen Stewart round ole Hollywood, but there’s not much to the chase.  There’s something to Jesse’s uncle Steve Carell, but not really anything to him, and the same goes to his uncle’s friends Parker Posey & Paul Schneider, and Eisenberg and his uncle’s kinfolk - Corey Stoll (all gangster schtick, zero personality), Sari Lennick (as if she just walked off the set of A Serious Man and right onto Society‘s set!), Stephen Kunken, Ken Stott and Jeannie Berlin.  There’s even something about Blake Lively, when usually there’s nothing to her except her body.  We want to spend time with these people, but not really given any good reason to, or to fully care about what happens to them

Well, there was one thing that was a thing – but it was more personal.  Jesse falls for a girl, and then another with the same first name.  This happened to me, although unlike in the movie, I didn’t continue to pine for the 1st girl, while the 2nd girl became my wife!!

Anywho, it was a decent try Woody.  You have a nice looking Café, with a nice set of drinkers, but there’s not much niceties to your Society at all.  See you next summer!

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Café is juss OK at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Double
Double Unstandard
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 93 min

How do you like your Jesse Eisenberg – nebbish, dweeby and overly nervous (The Squid and The Whale), or cocky, bullish, and totally in charge (The Social Network)?  Why choose when you can have BOTH in Richard Ayoade‘s crazed second feature - The Double, based on Fyodor Dostoevsky‘s second novel of the same name, with a script co written by Harmony Korine’s brother Avi

We first meet the lesser Eisenberg - Simon James – a 1984ish worker drone, stuck in a rut.  Barely noticed or appreciated, he goes through life hoping for more – to climb the corporate ladder, and to climb into the heart of fellow co-worker and neighbor Mia Wasikowska.  Everything changes when a look-a-like, James Simon – also Eisenberg, starts work at his company, and fulfills his dreams… for himself.  The new brash Eisenberg does what the shy old Eisenberg can’t – he becomes the apple of the boss (Wallace Shawn)’s eye, and the orange of Wasikowska’s heart.  So much for dreams, as this is a total nightmare!!

A nightmare indeed, but Ayoade keeps the dark material as light as he can, and makes it as fun as he can too.  The same was true of his mostly brilliant debut Submarine, and with these two films in the bag, Ayoade has made himself a director to be watched, and to be greatly admired.  Submarine was very Rushmore-y, and I was curious if his follow-up would be more of the same, the way that every Wes Anderson movie is more of the same (but not in a good way).  The Double is not more of the same, it’s a leap from Submarine, in both style and substance, but equally mostly brilliant, and we can’t wait to see where his next leap takes us

Obviously Ayoade has fans on the inside too, as such killer actors as Sally Hawkins, Noah Taylor, James Fox, Paddy Considine, Cathy Moriarty, Craig Roberts, Rade Serbedzija and Yasmin Paige signed up for Double duty in the teeniest tiniest of roles.  Oh yeah, I forgot to include Chris O’Dowd on that list, but he’s not a killer actor.  He’s annoying and unfunny.  He’s like an Irish Seth Rogen

Anywho, Ayoade ALL THE DAYS!!!!!!

Verdictgo: basically Breast In Show

The Double is up, not down today in limited release AND on-demand!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Now You See Me
Hand of Sleight
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 113 min

I love magic.  I love movies. I love movies about magic.   I love movie magic.  I love Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, Mélanie Laurent, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine & even Dave Franco (when James is unavailable).  Wait, all of these things are in one movie????  HOW IS THIS A REAL MOVIE???  But don’t get too excited cause this thing they’re in was directed by Louis Leterrier, captain of the two Transporter movies + Clash of The Disaster + that 2nd Hulk movie everyone already forgot about.  And guess what, don’t get too excited in general, cause the result – Now You See Me – is an illusion of entertainment.  You’ll be tricked into being entertained, but really, the dupe’s on you, dope!  You somehow sit thru this inane routine, and the only thing that’s really vanishing is your time and money  

Sure, Now You See Me isn’t even on the same planet as the UMmazing Prestige or even the usey illusiony The Illusionist, BUT even though NYSM is totally refarted, it is totally totally watchable dumbitity, cause EISENBERG’S NOT STEALING FACEBOOKS! AND RUFFALO LOOKING UNSHAVED GRUFFALOOO!!!!  AND WOODY HARRELSON KNOCKING WOOD (not really)! AND ISLA IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO FINE!!! AND LAURENT IS ALSO SO FINE AND SO CUTE SPEAKING IN ENGRISH!!! AND MORGAN FREEMAN IS SO OLD AND WISE AND HIS SMILES MELT SCREENS AS HE COLLECTS ANOTHER PAYCHECK!! AND MICHAEL CAINE DOES AN AMAZING MICHAEL CAINE IMPERSONATION!!! AND DAVE FRANCO IS LIKE JAMES FRANCO BUT YOUNGER AND LESS LEARNDEDED!!!!  And in nothing roles, they threw in real actors to play them, like that guy Michael Kelly, and Common, and that other that guy David Warshofsky!!

There’s nothing up any sleeves here, but sometimes it’s OK to pull from the bottom of the deck/dreck cause WE’D WATCH THIS CAST DO ANYTHING, EVEN KNIT SWASTIKA SWEATERS!!!

Verdictgo: high end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Now You See Me sees you today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

To Rome With Love
Amore or Less-a – 4 Mini I-talian Woody Allen Movies
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 102 min

Woody Allen‘s latest has four I-talianish stories that have nothing to do with each other, or really anything in general.  here’s a breakdown of the 4 stories…

story 1 is about average schmo Roberto Benigni, who one day, for no reason, becomes famous for just being himself.  this story is more stoopid than a typical Roberto Benigni movie (not talking bout Life Is Beautiful here).  Woody should have just made him re-enact his winning an Oscar zaniness or maybe the two should juss remake Jerry Lewis’ never released The Day The Clown Died.  anywho, story 1 is a good story… to run out of the theater if you need to take a giant dump

story 2 is about a pair of newlyweds (Alessandra Mastronardi & Alessandro Tiberi) who come to Rome with big job prospects from relatives, but they first must impress them.  The wife gets lost in the city, and for no reason a prostitute (Penélope Cruz) arrives at the husband’s door, right when his relatives show up, so the relatives think that the hooker is his wife, so the husband pretends that she’s his wife, and hilarity doesn’t ensue.  Meanwhile, the wife gets more lost, and eventually locks arms with some bald movie star and yadda yadda, who cares, whatevs.webs

story 3 is about Woody (BACK IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA BIZNITCHES!!!! AHHHH YEAH!!!!) meeting his daughter (not muse, but solid Allen player Alison Pill)’s about to be in-laws.  New Yorkers meet Romans – hilarity kinda mildly ensues, cause future in-law mortician papa (opera tenor Fabio Armiliato) is a diamond in the rough opera tenor superstar, but is only a blammazin singer in the shower.  Woody wants to make him a star, but how can he be a star without a shower????  We’ll juss leave it at that, as the what happens next stuff (WHICH YOU ALREADY PROBABLY ALREADY FINGERED OUT, ALREADY, CAUSE YOU SO SMART)  is one of the bettererer parts of the movie, sorta

story 4 is about Jesse Eisenberg who falls in love with his girlfriend’s (non-actress Greta Gerwig) actress best friend (Ellen Page), all while getting sage imaginary advice from Alec Baldwin.  This is the typical, watchable, enjoyable Woody Allen movie story plot thing that happens to be trapped in a movie with half crap and 1/4 of semi-amusingness

moral of the story – for a movie set in Italy, it’s kinda odd that all the bits and pieces that don’t work mainly have to do with the Italian characters and actors in the film.  our thinking like this is nots causes we’re American and only like American stuff (you’ve been to our older sister-site, NonUSHotties, right???), but it’s a fact, as proven by we, by saying so, and we juss said so, that the Italian parts need more spicing in the a meatballs

Verdictgo: acceptable low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

To Rome gets a lil Love in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

30 Minutes or Less
Less Is… Less
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 83 min

Two dumb dudes (Danny McBride &  Nick Swardson) want to become rich, so they take an idea from a stripper to knock off one of the dude’s dads (Fred Ward), inherit his money and become rich!  In order to do so, they need 100K to pay someone to do the killing (Michael Peña), so they come up with their own idea to kidnap some random person (Jesse Eisenberg), strap a bomb to them, and force them to get the money for them!  All hell will break loose, and hilarity will ensue, won’t it?

Ruben Fleischer‘s 30 Minutes of Less sounds like the stuff of comedy dreams come true – a sharp storyline (by Michael Diliberti and Matthew Sullivan), a killer & lovable cast, and a runtime under 90 minutes (wish more movies would follow suit).  So, why then does 30 Minutes feel like a stretch times itself by 3?  Um, cause it’s only mildly funny, and when it is funny, it’s barely funny (Netflix jokes about never watching the DVDs one gets sent in the mail seems so 2004), and yer mainly giving it charity laffs cause you think McBride is funny.  McBride is pretty much doing his Kenny Powers shtick with a game Swardson doing the Stevie Janowski even dumber sidekick thing.  And we know Eisenberg can be funny, cause he is and has (Zombieland, Adventureland), but if he isn’t given the material to be funny, he can’t be funny.  Unfunny Aziz Ansari doesn’t help matters neither.  He’s more of a comedian than an actor (cause he is), and there’s only so much of his over-exciting yelling thing one can take (maybe you dig that, but we don’t)

Sill, there are far worse offending comedies, with lesser talent that have no story to tell.  But still, this felt like a slightly better Cop Out.  What does that tell ya?  Not much AND a lot.  This has rental written all over it

Pakistan Packing Heat:

Dilshad Vadsaria

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

30 Minutes doesn’t go a long way at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…