Do you need to know anything more about Zack Snyder‘s ode to nothing for no one? Was this even a movie? There was no plot, and if there was one, we’d laugh at you if you tried to explain it. Maybe we’ll explain it to you and then you can laff at us or the movie
OK, so there’s this girl and she’s Emily Browning and she’s hot, even though she still looks like she’s 12. so they dress her up like a anime sailor girl that sick twisted men JO to
and even though Browning’s a hottie, and it’s mad hot to see her wear things that are tight against her tight bod, that doesn’t mean you should pay to see her look hot
anywho, her like family dies (with a crane-shot funeral scene ripped right from Zack’s own Watchmen) and a bunch of crap happens and it’s exactly like the video for Aerosmith’s ‘Janie’s Got A Gun’
but instead of cheesy Aerosmith songs, the film is made up of shitty cover tunes that will make your ears want to run from cover from the covers. wurst offender is Alison Mosshart’s cover of the Beatles’ ‘Tomorrow Never Knows’. if you hear it, it IS dying!!!!!
so Browning’s left in her stepdad’s hands, but he wants her off of his hands, so he sends her to some building straight out of Scooby Doo
and it’s about as plastic looking as this mansion playset
apparently this isn’t a good place to be and soon some guy’s gonna come and like take Brownings brain or something. OH NO!!!
luckily there’s some hot chicks around who instantly identify with her and want to help her! they are Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone (she’s not hot, so movies, please stop trying to do so), Jamie Chung and Vanessa Hudgens (did they make her look gross on purpose?). this movie sets their careers back 9 years and women’s lib by about 20. it will also reset your brain to zero, and your wallet to minus $8 to $13 dollars
there’s also this vampy Russian broad who like helps girls act or dance or something. she’s ‘played’ by Carla Gugino. Carla’s annoying Russian biznatch is so over the borscht top that she makes Bullwinkle’s Natasha look like a serious toon, like Rosie The Riveter
Carla Gugino is juss awful. AWFULLLLLLLLLLL. maybe it’s the movie’s fault or maybe she should stop being in horrible movies. we’re starting to think that if we see her name in a movie’s marquee that we should see whatever’s not starring her… unless she’s going NSFW
anywho, apparently Browning is a super sexy dancer and this movie turns into Burlesque or is it Showgirls? does it matter? it has zero nudity or zero anything. it’s nothing. no winking at the camera. all stinking at the camera!!!
so David Carradine by way of Scott Glenn tells Browing that she has like 5 things to do and so begins video game level after video game level of accomplishing NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s like Scott Pilgrim, but with less Beck and less Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Oh, you have to kill 8 boyfriends, huh? WAKE US UP WHEN BORING IS OVER. anyone who says SCOTT PILGRIM was good doesn’t know what good is. they probably watch 2.5 Mens
so Browning and the ladies like start up a dance routine, but you never see them dance, so instead they jump into other movies like Lord of The Rings and Iron Giant and RoboCop and Sky Captain & The World of Boring and like other movies, and it all sucks!!!
and the dude running the show is Roman Moroni (Oscar Isaac) from Johnny Dangerously, and he is beyond a farigin icehole
and this movie is a fargin icehole
and then the same nothing happens like 8 times and then Jon Hamm shows up or something and then the credits roll
moral of the story? hot chicks in tight clothing is not a movie
this movie is HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, and like we said at the beginning, UNWATCHABLE, so do the right thing and don’t watch it
Verdictgo: BEYOND Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous
Sucker SUCKS tomorrow at a theater new jews
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…