Tag Archives: Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman’s 19th Movie of 2011

Hesher
Head Banging Bungling
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Still can’t make teads or hails of what Spencer Susser‘s Hesher was all about.  We know it contains fantastic performances, and a really cool beat-up van, but the movie didn’t seem to know what to do with them.  There’s a grieving father (Rainn Wilson) and his bullied son (Devin Brochu), who are ‘helped’ in the easing of their pain by a metalhead maniac stranger (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) that appears out of nowhere and for no real reason, other than to drop some antic antics, which are the stuff quirky indie flicks are made of.  You know, stuff like blowing up cars, trashing backyards, forcing grannys (Piper Laurie) to take bong hits, and talk dirty about vaginas, in front of clean nerdy women (an out of place Natalie Portman, with wretched 80s glasses), all done nonchalantly and with zero remorse.  NOW THAT’S SOME MIGHTY STRANGE, BUT WELL NEEDED THERAPY FOR A FAMILY WHO JUST LOST THEIR MOTHER/WIFE!!  Not really

Well, that pretty much sums up the plot of the plodding Hesher.  And while the whole affair is rather scattershotty, there’s still something about it that kept it kinda chugging along, and that it is JGord-Levi.  This depressed family may have indirectly needed JGC, but this movie directly didn’t need that family.  Hesher should have been let loose on multiple families and passersby.  You don’t cage an animal, you let it run free, and you know, let that animal blow up sh#t in different neighborhoods and get other grandmothers high

About Face: this guy is the best. he’s like a more awesomer, kookier Michael Richards.  and it’s always a treat to see his face pop up in movies

that guy is

Frank Collison

watch his work/face!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hesh messes in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Norse By Norsewest

Thor
Thunder Claps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

Kenneth Branagh‘s Thor was some pretty darn decent superhero fun.  T’was also unexpectedly mighty funnier than The Mini Page‘s Mighty Funny Mini Jokes (…who doesn’t love fish outta water situations)!!!  And even though 1/2 of the flick takes place in a CGI eyesore in the sky (glad we didn’t see it in 3-D), everything we liked about Thor took place there (no thanks on the earthbound Natalie PortmanStellan Skarsgård and Kat Dennings pointlessnessness).  It’s also the paramount reason why this one feels different from all the other recent caped crusader pics – it has real mythology behind it, not juss mortal madness.  And when yer playing with Gods (and monsters), you get to unleash the hammiest ham acting this side of an an Orson Welles’ performance.  Anthony Hopkins (as papa Odin), Chris Hemsworth (our titular please do hurt them hammerer) and Tom Hiddleston (the mischievous Loki) all overdo it, but in a good good good way.  The Clash of The Titans aimed for the same ham heights, but the ham they produced was more un-Kosher than… ham

Choosy Men Choose Sif: Jaimie Alexander plays Thor’s gal pal Sif, and we’re choosy, but we choose Sif!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Thor is currently hammering it home at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

btw, Thor is NOT a homo

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7thishendith Anal
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

we already showed you the hottie hotness in movies 2010, and then picked the breastest movies of the beastest of 2010 (with the late addition of Dogtooth!!), and now it’s time for everything else movies 2010!!! welcome to the…

7thishendith Anal
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

now called

THE THIGHSMANS!!!


The Death to Smoochy
Worstest Pictures
of the Year


Trash Humpers

Valentine’s Day

Enter The Void*

Get Him To The Greek

& Clash of The Titans in ‘3-D’

*also happens to be one of the year’s bestest too!

_

The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious
Most Overhyped
Most Boring Movie of The Year
That Has Only One Line of Dialog
Repeated 9272767 Times
You Seen My Daddy?


Winter’s Boring

runner down: True Grit

_

The Bare Un-Necessities/
Coulda Been A Contender


Red

Cop Out

Machete

Shutter Island

The Expendables

Scott Pilgrim vs The World

the reunion of Brian Cox and Paul Dano

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

Catfish, The Social Network, Enter The Void, TRON Legacy

Somewhere, Let Me In, I’m Still Here, Black Swan,

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World & Inception

and the wurst: Exit Through The Gift Shop

_

Poster Her!
Poster We!
Poster Haste!


& the wurstest ones

+ 18 minus boo-nus pts for the Takers one!!!

_

Credits That Deserve Mad Credits


Enter The Void

_

The 1st Annual
Greta Grrr Wig
Recipient of
The OK, This Joke/Career
Muss Be Stopped
Now Award

Greta Gerwig

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Guy of The Year

Liam Neeson with 7 movies released in 2o10!!

_

Thighopening Call To Action!

thanks to Art of The Steal for forcing us to visit the Barnes Foundation at its real home in Merion, PA before it moves and that experience will never exist again and we’ll be even more super mad pissed than we are now!!

next up is getting laid in
the Blue Valentine future space sex room

_

Bestest Wurstest Lines of The Year

&

_

The KFC
Finger Stickin’ Goodness
Goodie Three Shoes Award


Portman & her fingers in Black Swan

+ these other hotnessies

Shannon Twins’ pole dancing in Somewhere

Anne Hathway’s endless nudity in Sex & Other Drugs [NSFW]

Rachel McAdams’s morning glorious legs & tush

& Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s many colored wigs in Scott Pilg

_

Movie Things That Aren’t Movies
That Moved Us For The 1st Time

Mr Plinkett’s Star Wars Prequels Ass-Riping
But Well Thought Out Reviews!!

+ his love of pizza rolls
which he wants to mail to us!!

lime juice on theater popcorn!!!
(had at the Film Forum)

visiting the cinema treasure that is The Loews Jersey
(what took we so long??????)

& Ebert’s twitterings

_

Bestest Flix We Netted Or Saw In A Theater
Cause Seeing Old Movies In A Theater
Is Better Than Seeing New Movies
In A Theater!!!

_

Always Bet On These Lil
Shirley Temple Black
(& White) Children

Dylan Riley Snyder

Izzy Meikle-Small

Kelly O’Neill

Emma Hinz

Eros Vlahos

Faith Wladyka

the babies of Babies

_

Face Timeless



Zhao Benshan in Woman, A Gun and A Noodle Shop

_

Saddest Sadness
& The Infinite Sadness

we knew The White Stripes’ days were numbered
as soon as we saw this

_

Songs That Execute Butter
Than Norman Mailer’s Bong

Daft Punk’s TRON Legacy score

Beck’s ‘Ramona’ from Scott Pilgs

The Langley Schools Music Project’s
‘Good Vibrations’ from Catfish

Scala & Kolacny Brothers’ cover
of ‘Creep’ from TSN teaser

any Phil Spector produced song in The Agony & Ecstasy

Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross ‘In Motion’
from The Social Network

Clint Mansell’s ‘Perfection’ from Black Swan

Mike Zorin’s score to the Inception teaser trailer

anything on the Blue Valentine sdtrk

Nick Urata’s ‘Faking Death’ from Phil Morris [empee3]

Devendra Banhart & Beck’ ‘Life During Wartime’

& LFO’s ‘Freak’ from Enter The Void

_

Unintentional Porn
To Be Wild Titles

44 Inch Chest

The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond

Faster

For Colored Girls

Furry Vengeance

Get Low

Harry Brown

How to Train Your Dragon

The Killer Inside Me

Make-Out with Violence

Rabbit Hole

The Spy Next Door

Trash Humpers

Touching Home

Unstoppable

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award


Hendrik von Bültzingslöwen

Wotan Wilke Möhring

Ophelia Lovibond

Sterling Cooper

BooBoo Stewart

Bingo O’Malley

Pleasant Wayne

Dossy Peabody

& Eros Vlahos

_

Miscecallous Things That Either Stepped Up or Stepped Down More Than Step-Up 3D

a VHS tape, duct tape, a hand and
a whole lotta anger in Dogtooth

the way Leo DiCap says ‘Maaaaaaaaaaaaarssshal’
in Stutter Island

the glowing cockscapades at the sex hotel
@ the end of Enter The Void

the mousterpiece dioramas in Din for Schmucks
by the The Chiodo Brothers

finally figuring out what the dealio was with 
Pruitt Taylor Vince‘s eyes was was:
pathologic nystagmus

also, finally looking into what Fletch’s ‘Pup’ n’ Taco was!

Abraham Aronofsky’s resume

photo of the real Get Low guy attending his own funeral
which is 81889283838 times more interesting
than the actual movie

this college recruiting video starring a pre-Doors Morrison

The Fighter sisters > any other sisters

James Frain being a 7th rate Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg???

where they filmed Harry Brown

the only good kind of Plague

when Joan Rivers met Gwar

our collection of the moist flamous kisses EVER

& notmileycyrus.com

_

Movies To Look
For In The ‘011


127 Ray Browers

Goy Story 3:16

Liam Neeson Ices Eastern Europeans

X-Men XII: Boyz II X-Men

Ranch Farts: A Nose Opening Documentary

Stephen King’s The Queen

Madoff Never Sleeps

10 Fast, 10 Furious
_

don’t forget to peep out our
’09’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

6 Comments

And Your 2010 Breast Actress Nominees Is…

Annette Bening

Nicole Kidman

Jennifer Lawrence

Natalie Portman

Michelle Williams


breastestest of luck/lick ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!

0 Comments

Charlie Tahan IS Steve Zahn!!!

The Other Woman
Woeman
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Hey look, it’s Natalie Portman, in a movie!!!!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, now didja???  Don’t worry, she aint gettin busy with Ashton Kutcher in this one, and she is back in the bustle & muscle of NY, but no tutu frutu bidness this time round, but she does gots herself a different bundle of pressures & worries, but watching her go thru them and dealing with em here aint nearly as awesomes or satisfying as watching her masturbating.  Can’t that juss be a requirement of all of her movie roles going forward?  Damn you The Other Woman for having none of that finger sticking goodness!!!

Her pressures & worries here include be: getting over the death of her newborn daughter (is this Rabbit Hole 2?  did anyone actually see Rabbit Hole 1?), not annoying her husband (normal, yet strange to get a grip on actor Scott Cohen), whom she stole away from his controlling first wife (Lisa Kudrow, in full-on fun bitch mode), and trying to win the approval of their offspring and her stepson, a highly intelligent, thighly awkward Jesse Eisenberg in training (Charlie Tahan, who is also the reincarnation of Steve Zahn at age 13, and also real-life brother to fellow actress Daisy Tahan).  Shiz aint certainly easy, and disappointingly enuff, Portman aint eggzactly up to the task here (not to be confused with Steve Tasker).  She’s too white swan, and not enuff gray swan!!!

The movie’s directed by Don Roos (The Opposite of Sex), from a novel with a better name by Ayelet Waldman, and while we don’t expect explosions from a $7 budget, we do expect something a lil more than something that feels like a first feature that has problems trying to sort out all of Portman’s problems that she’s having problems trying to problem solve (maybe that’s one of the reasons that this has been sitting on the shelf for over 2 years!).  Still, can’t really hate on a movie that employs red-headers Lauren Ambrose and Anthony Rapp (we’re not gay, but we fell in love with him when he was a teen in Adventures In Babysitting), and that Charlie Tahan kid is totally a fantastic lil budding actor who one day may be the next Steve Zahn, if he isn’t already Steve Zahn!?!?!??!?!

and apparently we’re not alone in this Tahan-Zahn thought!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Woman aint something Otherly today in NY/LA only, but is already avails on-demand!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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