Tag Archives: Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Make Room For Winstead

10 Cloverfield Lane
Archie Bunkered
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 103 min

10 cloverfield lane

I’ve always looked at Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Brie Larson as hip modern hottie awesome acting equals.  They’ve shared credits in two movies – the too cool for its own good Scott Pilgrim vs. the World + the not another teeny movie The Spectacular Now, and they share my love and attention

Brie hit the jackpot with Room, but methinks Mary Elizabeth Winstead could have pulled off the role too.  And how do I know this?  Winstead got a Room of her own – in 10 Clovefield Lane – a not so-sequel sequel to the kinda meh 2008 movie without a # or street type.  But in Cloverfield Lane, ME Winstead isn’t stuck in a room with her kid (so there’s not much to sniffle about here) – she’s a girl stuck in a bunker with a crackpot John Goodman and a bearded John Gallagher Jr (who played Brie’s boyfriend in the great Short Term 12), and it’s weird and strange and mysterious and it keeps you guessing and stuff, all in a good AND uneasy way

Cloverfield Lane aint no Room, cause it’s Room meets The Martian meets 28 Days Later.  Explaining why it’s all those meetings would give things away, and I don’t want to give away any of the fun of this fun movie, that’s not really fun, but it is, but it isn’t

Sure, Winstead won’t be getting any Oscar noms for her peformance in Cloverfield, but she’s juss as good as Larson is in her Room.  Life isn’t fair, Oscars are certainly not fair, but if there were an awards for bestest eyes, Winstead would beat out Larson easily and breezily.  The eyes have it, and Winstead’s have me, for always and 5ever

winstead eyes 3

winstead eyes 2

winstead eyes

VerdictgoJeepers Worth A Creepers

Cloverfield bunkers down at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Perks of Not Being a Wallflower

The Spectacular Now
Collapse Into Now
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 95 min

the-spectacular-now

I wanted it, I got it… for the most part

What did I want?  More movies like The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which are movies more like John Hughes movies, you know, awesome teen movies from the 80s with heart and soul and humor!

What did I get?  Director  + writers  &  (The 500 Days of Summer dudes)’s cinematic take on Tim Tharp’s novel The Spectacular Now

For the most part?  Ok, so you can’t call your movie Spectacular and be anything but, but Spectacular is not full-on spectacular, but the movie certainly has the elements to be, and is closer to it more than not, and is certainly closer to it than a majority of the garbage teenage movies handed to us over the past decade

So what is this movie?  It’s the story of a popular, funny-mouthy, easy-breezy, Big Gulp with liquor swilling kid named Sutter Keely ().  Sutter has no real direction, unless that direction is headed toward fun.  He’s recently single (not by choice, and of course no one would choose to ever be apart from ), and one hungover morning wakes up on the lawn of socially clueless Aimee (), and the next week they’re sorta blossoming into item, much to everyone’s surprise, including their own.  She seriously gets into him, but he’s kinda loosy-goosy on her, but he’s that way about everything – like his part-time job at the haberdasher (his boss is , cause why not?), dealing with his stressed-out mom (, cause why not?), and with his future (he’s soon to graduate, but college schmollege?).  Maybe what he needs is a dose of reality, from his poshed-up sister (), or estranged drunken father (THE ), or perhaps Aimee can smack some sense into him, and if she can’t, who can????

Where it all ends up isn’t exactly some well-drawn out conclusion, but heck, we fell for Sutter Keely and would follow his hit or miss-adventures wherever they did done do roam!  That Miles Teller as Sutter Keely, I tells yea, that performance feels so mad mad mad real (and kinda reminds us of ourselvesz at that age, hence the attraction), and Woodley’s Aimee – even more more more genuine (she’s quite a talent, and it’s a shame the fanboys hated her out of Spider-Man reboot 2), and their coupling – even more than faux real, it’s like five real/reel!!!  Can we be their third wheel, six reals?  Hmmm, maybe this affair was spectacular after all, just not now.  Maybe then?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spectacular is NOW today in NY & LA and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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A Brand MEW Day

Smashed
Post Drunk Love
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 85 min

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is adorable.  This is a general statement, and has nothing to do with James Ponsoldt‘s Smashed.  In Smashed, MEW is a school teacher by day, and an alcoholic by night AND day.  One day she vomits in front of her students.  Then she tells the students that she’s preggers as a cover, and realizes she has a problem, a BIG problem, BUT HER PROBLEMS ARE JUST GETTING STARTED, but maybe her problems are just getting started to getting solveded!!!!  Her husband is also a drunkard, and is played by Aaron Paul, who had to stretch real hard to play someone who’s really fcuked up.  Supporting MEW are TV players and real-life hubby-wife duo – Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally.  Offerman sports a mustache and speaks softy, like he does on TV.  Mullally speaks cheerfully and endlessly, like she does on TV.  Octavia Spencer shows up too, cause some movie needed to hire her after winning an Oscar.  It’s actually kinda sad, cause what kinda roles is Spencer gonna get?  Endless supporting ones?  Someone make a movie for this woman!  Anywho, this movie is MEW’s movie, and she egggggcellently carries what’s barely there to a predictable, yet satisfying finish.  Bottom’s up, while bottoming out! MEW!!!

MEW has the best eyes ever.  maybe.  really.  probably

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

take a sip of Smashed in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Punch-Drunk Hate

Sucker Punch
Technical Crap Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Unwatchable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you need to know anything more about Zack Snyder‘s ode to nothing for no one?  Was this even a movie?  There was no plot, and if there was one, we’d laugh at you if you tried to explain it.  Maybe we’ll explain it to you and then you can laff at us or the movie

OK, so there’s this girl and she’s Emily Browning and she’s hot, even though she still looks like she’s 12.  so they dress her up like a anime sailor girl that sick twisted men JO to

and even though Browning’s a hottie, and it’s mad hot to see her wear things that are tight against her tight bod, that doesn’t mean you should pay to see her look hot

anywho, her like family dies (with a crane-shot funeral scene ripped right from Zack’s own Watchmen) and a bunch of crap happens and it’s exactly like the video for Aerosmith’s ‘Janie’s Got A Gun’

but instead of cheesy Aerosmith songs, the film is made up of shitty cover tunes that will make your ears want to run from cover from the covers.  wurst offender is Alison Mosshart’s cover of the Beatles’ ‘Tomorrow Never Knows’.  if you hear it, it IS dying!!!!!

so Browning’s left in her stepdad’s hands, but he wants her off of his hands, so he sends her to some building straight out of Scooby Doo

and it’s about as plastic looking as this mansion playset

apparently this isn’t a good place to be and soon some guy’s gonna come and like take Brownings brain or something.  OH NO!!!

luckily there’s some hot chicks around who instantly identify with her and want to help her!  they are Abbie CornishJena Malone (she’s not hot, so movies, please stop trying to do so), Jamie Chung and Vanessa Hudgens (did they make her look gross on purpose?).  this movie sets their careers back 9 years and women’s lib by about 20.  it will also reset your brain to zero, and your wallet to minus $8 to $13 dollars

there’s also this vampy Russian broad who like helps girls act or dance or something.  she’s ‘played’ by Carla Gugino. Carla’s annoying Russian biznatch is so over the borscht top that she makes Bullwinkle’s Natasha look like a serious toon, like Rosie The Riveter

Carla Gugino is juss awful. AWFULLLLLLLLLLL.  maybe it’s the movie’s fault or maybe she should stop being in horrible movies.  we’re starting to think that if we see her name in a movie’s marquee that we should see whatever’s not starring her… unless she’s going NSFW

anywho, apparently Browning is a super sexy dancer and this movie turns into Burlesque or is it Showgirls?  does it matter?  it has zero nudity or zero anything.  it’s nothing.  no winking at the camera.  all stinking at the camera!!!

so Browning needs something to do, so she meets with David Carradine, but since he went all Michael Hutchence on us, he couldn’t be cast in the movie, so they went with Jack Crawford (Scott Glenn)

so David Carradine by way of Scott Glenn tells Browing that she has like 5 things to do and so begins video game level after video game level of accomplishing NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!  it’s like Scott Pilgrim, but with less Beck and less Mary Elizabeth Winstead.  Oh, you have to kill 8 boyfriends, huh?  WAKE US UP WHEN BORING IS OVER.  anyone who says SCOTT PILGRIM was good doesn’t know what good is.  they probably watch 2.5 Mens

so Browning and the ladies like start up a dance routine, but you never see them dance, so instead they jump into other movies like Lord of The Rings and Iron Giant and RoboCop and Sky Captain & The World of Boring and like other movies, and it all sucks!!!

and the dude running the show is Roman Moroni (Oscar Isaac) from Johnny Dangerously, and he is beyond a farigin icehole

and this movie is a fargin icehole

and then the same nothing happens like 8 times and then Jon Hamm shows up or something and then the credits roll

moral of the story?  hot chicks in tight clothing is not a movie

this movie is HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, and like we said at the beginning, UNWATCHABLE, so do the right thing and don’t watch it

Verdictgo: BEYOND Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Sucker SUCKS tomorrow at a theater new jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

 

6 Comments

7thishendith Anal
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

we already showed you the hottie hotness in movies 2010, and then picked the breastest movies of the beastest of 2010 (with the late addition of Dogtooth!!), and now it’s time for everything else movies 2010!!! welcome to the…

7thishendith Anal
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

now called

THE THIGHSMANS!!!


The Death to Smoochy
Worstest Pictures
of the Year


Trash Humpers

Valentine’s Day

Enter The Void*

Get Him To The Greek

& Clash of The Titans in ‘3-D’

*also happens to be one of the year’s bestest too!

_

The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious
Most Overhyped
Most Boring Movie of The Year
That Has Only One Line of Dialog
Repeated 9272767 Times
You Seen My Daddy?


Winter’s Boring

runner down: True Grit

_

The Bare Un-Necessities/
Coulda Been A Contender


Red

Cop Out

Machete

Shutter Island

The Expendables

Scott Pilgrim vs The World

the reunion of Brian Cox and Paul Dano

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

Catfish, The Social Network, Enter The Void, TRON Legacy

Somewhere, Let Me In, I’m Still Here, Black Swan,

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World & Inception

and the wurst: Exit Through The Gift Shop

_

Poster Her!
Poster We!
Poster Haste!


& the wurstest ones

+ 18 minus boo-nus pts for the Takers one!!!

_

Credits That Deserve Mad Credits


Enter The Void

_

The 1st Annual
Greta Grrr Wig
Recipient of
The OK, This Joke/Career
Muss Be Stopped
Now Award

Greta Gerwig

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Guy of The Year

Liam Neeson with 7 movies released in 2o10!!

_

Thighopening Call To Action!

thanks to Art of The Steal for forcing us to visit the Barnes Foundation at its real home in Merion, PA before it moves and that experience will never exist again and we’ll be even more super mad pissed than we are now!!

next up is getting laid in
the Blue Valentine future space sex room

_

Bestest Wurstest Lines of The Year

&

_

The KFC
Finger Stickin’ Goodness
Goodie Three Shoes Award


Portman & her fingers in Black Swan

+ these other hotnessies

Shannon Twins’ pole dancing in Somewhere

Anne Hathway’s endless nudity in Sex & Other Drugs [NSFW]

Rachel McAdams’s morning glorious legs & tush

& Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s many colored wigs in Scott Pilg

_

Movie Things That Aren’t Movies
That Moved Us For The 1st Time

Mr Plinkett’s Star Wars Prequels Ass-Riping
But Well Thought Out Reviews!!

+ his love of pizza rolls
which he wants to mail to us!!

lime juice on theater popcorn!!!
(had at the Film Forum)

visiting the cinema treasure that is The Loews Jersey
(what took we so long??????)

& Ebert’s twitterings

_

Bestest Flix We Netted Or Saw In A Theater
Cause Seeing Old Movies In A Theater
Is Better Than Seeing New Movies
In A Theater!!!

_

Always Bet On These Lil
Shirley Temple Black
(& White) Children

Dylan Riley Snyder

Izzy Meikle-Small

Kelly O’Neill

Emma Hinz

Eros Vlahos

Faith Wladyka

the babies of Babies

_

Face Timeless



Zhao Benshan in Woman, A Gun and A Noodle Shop

_

Saddest Sadness
& The Infinite Sadness

we knew The White Stripes’ days were numbered
as soon as we saw this

_

Songs That Execute Butter
Than Norman Mailer’s Bong

Daft Punk’s TRON Legacy score

Beck’s ‘Ramona’ from Scott Pilgs

The Langley Schools Music Project’s
‘Good Vibrations’ from Catfish

Scala & Kolacny Brothers’ cover
of ‘Creep’ from TSN teaser

any Phil Spector produced song in The Agony & Ecstasy

Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross ‘In Motion’
from The Social Network

Clint Mansell’s ‘Perfection’ from Black Swan

Mike Zorin’s score to the Inception teaser trailer

anything on the Blue Valentine sdtrk

Nick Urata’s ‘Faking Death’ from Phil Morris [empee3]

Devendra Banhart & Beck’ ‘Life During Wartime’

& LFO’s ‘Freak’ from Enter The Void

_

Unintentional Porn
To Be Wild Titles

44 Inch Chest

The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond

Faster

For Colored Girls

Furry Vengeance

Get Low

Harry Brown

How to Train Your Dragon

The Killer Inside Me

Make-Out with Violence

Rabbit Hole

The Spy Next Door

Trash Humpers

Touching Home

Unstoppable

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award


Hendrik von Bültzingslöwen

Wotan Wilke Möhring

Ophelia Lovibond

Sterling Cooper

BooBoo Stewart

Bingo O’Malley

Pleasant Wayne

Dossy Peabody

& Eros Vlahos

_

Miscecallous Things That Either Stepped Up or Stepped Down More Than Step-Up 3D

a VHS tape, duct tape, a hand and
a whole lotta anger in Dogtooth

the way Leo DiCap says ‘Maaaaaaaaaaaaarssshal’
in Stutter Island

the glowing cockscapades at the sex hotel
@ the end of Enter The Void

the mousterpiece dioramas in Din for Schmucks
by the The Chiodo Brothers

finally figuring out what the dealio was with 
Pruitt Taylor Vince‘s eyes was was:
pathologic nystagmus

also, finally looking into what Fletch’s ‘Pup’ n’ Taco was!

Abraham Aronofsky’s resume

photo of the real Get Low guy attending his own funeral
which is 81889283838 times more interesting
than the actual movie

this college recruiting video starring a pre-Doors Morrison

The Fighter sisters > any other sisters

James Frain being a 7th rate Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg???

where they filmed Harry Brown

the only good kind of Plague

when Joan Rivers met Gwar

our collection of the moist flamous kisses EVER

& notmileycyrus.com

_

Movies To Look
For In The ‘011


127 Ray Browers

Goy Story 3:16

Liam Neeson Ices Eastern Europeans

X-Men XII: Boyz II X-Men

Ranch Farts: A Nose Opening Documentary

Stephen King’s The Queen

Madoff Never Sleeps

10 Fast, 10 Furious
_

don’t forget to peep out our
’09’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

6 Comments
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