Brie hit the jackpot with Room, but methinks Mary Elizabeth Winstead could have pulled off the role too.  And how do I know this?  Winstead got a Room of her own – in 10 Clovefield Lane – a not so-sequel sequel to the kinda meh 2008 movie without a # or street type.  But in Cloverfield Lane, ME Winstead isn’t stuck in a room with her kid (so there’s not much to sniffle about here) – she’s a girl stuck in a bunker with a crackpot John Goodman and a bearded John Gallagher Jr (who played Brie’s boyfriend in the great Short Term 12), and it’s weird and strange and mysterious and it keeps you guessing and stuff, all in a good AND uneasy way
Cloverfield Lane aint no Room, cause it’s Room meets The Martian meets 28 Days Later. Â Explaining why it’s all those meetings would give things away, and I don’t want to give away any of the fun of this fun movie, that’s not really fun, but it is, but it isn’t
Sure, Winstead won’t be getting any Oscar noms for her peformance in Cloverfield, but she’s juss as good as Larson is in her Room.  Life isn’t fair, Oscars are certainly not fair, but if there were an awards for bestest eyes, Winstead would beat out Larson easily and breezily.  The eyes have it, and Winstead’s have me, for always and 5ever
What did I want?  More movies like The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which are movies more like John Hughes movies, you know, awesome teen movies from the 80s with heart and soul and humor!
For the most part?  Ok, so you can’t call your movie Spectacular and be anything but, but Spectacular is not full-on spectacular, but the movie certainly has the elements to be, and is closer to it more than not, and is certainly closer to it than a majority of the garbage teenage movies handed to us over the past decade
So what is this movie?  It’s the story of a popular, funny-mouthy, easy-breezy, Big Gulp with liquor swilling kid named Sutter Keely (Miles Teller).  Sutter has no real direction, unless that direction is headed toward fun.  He’s recently single (not by choice, and of course no one would choose to ever be apart from Brie Larson), and one hungover morning wakes up on the lawn of socially clueless Aimee (Shailene Woodley), and the next week they’re sorta blossoming into item, much to everyone’s surprise, including their own.  She seriously gets into him, but he’s kinda loosy-goosy on her, but he’s that way about everything – like his part-time job at the haberdasher (his boss is Bob Odenkirk, cause why not?), dealing with his stressed-out mom (Jennifer Jason Leigh, cause why not?), and with his future (he’s soon to graduate, but college schmollege?).  Maybe what he needs is a dose of reality, from his poshed-up sister (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), or estranged drunken father (THE Kyle Chandler), or perhaps Aimee can smack some sense into him, and if she can’t, who can????
Where it all ends up isn’t exactly some well-drawn out conclusion, but heck, we fell for Sutter Keely and would follow his hit or miss-adventures wherever they did done do roam!  That Miles Teller as Sutter Keely, I tells yea, that performance feels so mad mad mad real (and kinda reminds us of ourselvesz at that age, hence the attraction), and Woodley’s Aimee – even more more more genuine (she’s quite a talent, and it’s a shame the fanboys hated her out of Spider-Man reboot 2), and their coupling – even more than faux real, it’s like five real/reel!!!  Can we be their third wheel, six reals?  Hmmm, maybe this affair was spectacular after all, just not now.  Maybe then?
Mary Elizabeth Winstead is adorable.  This is a general statement, and has nothing to do with James Ponsoldt‘s Smashed.  In Smashed, MEW is a school teacher by day, and an alcoholic by night AND day.  One day she vomits in front of her students.  Then she tells the students that she’s preggers as a cover, and realizes she has a problem, a BIG problem, BUT HER PROBLEMS ARE JUST GETTING STARTED, but maybe her problems are just getting started to getting solveded!!!!  Her husband is also a drunkard, and is played by Aaron Paul, who had to stretch real hard to play someone who’s really fcuked up.  Supporting MEW are TV players and real-life hubby-wife duo – Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally.  Offerman sports a mustache and speaks softy, like he does on TV.  Mullally speaks cheerfully and endlessly, like she does on TV.  Octavia Spencer shows up too, cause some movie needed to hire her after winning an Oscar.  It’s actually kinda sad, cause what kinda roles is Spencer gonna get?  Endless supporting ones?  Someone make a movie for this woman!  Anywho, this movie is MEW’s movie, and she egggggcellently carries what’s barely there to a predictable, yet satisfying finish.  Bottom’s up, while bottoming out! MEW!!!
MEW has the best eyes ever. Â maybe. Â really. Â probably
Do you need to know anything more about Zack Snyder‘s ode to nothing for no one?  Was this even a movie?  There was no plot, and if there was one, we’d laugh at you if you tried to explain it.  Maybe we’ll explain it to you and then you can laff at us or the movie
OK, so there’s this girl and she’s Emily Browning and she’s hot, even though she still looks like she’s 12.  so they dress her up like a anime sailor girl that sick twisted men JO to
and even though Browning’s a hottie, and it’s mad hot to see her wear things that are tight against her tight bod, that doesn’t mean you should pay to see her look hot
anywho, her like family dies (with a crane-shot funeral scene ripped right from Zack’s own Watchmen) and a bunch of crap happens and it’s exactly like the video for Aerosmith’s ‘Janie’s Got A Gun’
but instead of cheesy Aerosmith songs, the film is made up of shitty cover tunes that will make your ears want to run from cover from the covers.  wurst offender is Alison Mosshart’s cover of the Beatles’ ‘Tomorrow Never Knows’.  if you hear it, it IS dying!!!!!
so Browning’s left in her stepdad’s hands, but he wants her off of his hands, so he sends her to some building straight out of Scooby Doo
apparently this isn’t a good place to be and soon some guy’s gonna come and like take Brownings brain or something. Â OH NO!!!
luckily there’s some hot chicks around who instantly identify with her and want to help her!  they are Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone (she’s not hot, so movies, please stop trying to do so), Jamie Chung and Vanessa Hudgens (did they make her look gross on purpose?).  this movie sets their careers back 9 years and women’s lib by about 20.  it will also reset your brain to zero, and your wallet to minus $8 to $13 dollars
there’s also this vampy Russian broad who like helps girls act or dance or something.  she’s ‘played’ by Carla Gugino. Carla’s annoying Russian biznatch is so over the borscht top that she makes Bullwinkle’s Natasha look like a serious toon, like Rosie The Riveter
Carla Gugino is juss awful. AWFULLLLLLLLLLL. Â maybe it’s the movie’s fault or maybe she should stop being in horrible movies. Â we’re starting to think that if we see her name in a movie’s marquee that we should see whatever’s not starring her… unless she’s going NSFW
anywho, apparently Browning is a super sexy dancer and this movie turns intoBurlesqueor is it Showgirls? Â does it matter? Â it has zero nudity or zero anything. Â it’s nothing. Â no winking at the camera. Â all stinking at the camera!!!
so Browning needs something to do, so she meets with David Carradine, but since he went all Michael Hutchence on us, he couldn’t be cast in the movie, so they went with Jack Crawford (Scott Glenn)
so David Carradine by way of Scott Glenn tells Browing that she has like 5 things to do and so begins video game level after video game level of accomplishing NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!  it’s likeScott Pilgrim, but with less Beck and less Mary Elizabeth Winstead.  Oh, you have to kill 8 boyfriends, huh?  WAKE US UP WHEN BORING IS OVER.  anyone who says SCOTT PILGRIM was good doesn’t know what good is.  they probably watch 2.5 Mens
so Browning and the ladies like start up a dance routine, but you never see them dance, so instead they jump into other movies like Lord of The Rings and Iron Giant and RoboCop and Sky Captain & The World of Boring and like other movies, and it all sucks!!!
and the dude running the show is Roman Moroni (Oscar Isaac) from Johnny Dangerously, and he is beyond a farigin icehole
and this movie is a fargin icehole
and then the same nothing happens like 8 times and then Jon Hamm shows up or something and then the credits roll
moral of the story? Â hot chicks in tight clothing is not a movie
this movie is HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, and like we said at the beginning, UNWATCHABLE, so do the right thing and don’t watch it
*also happens to be one of the year’s bestest too!
_
The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Most Overhyped Most Boring Movie of The Year That Has Only One Line of Dialog Repeated 9272767 Times ‘You Seen My Daddy?‘
thanks to Art of The Steal for forcing us to visit the Barnes Foundation at its real home in Merion, PA before it moves and that experience will never exist again and we’ll be even more super mad pissed than we are now!!
16. Mar, 2016 
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