Tag Archives: Nick Offerman

Beholden Arches

The Founder
The Big Mac Daddy
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

As a kid my love for McDonald’s was beyond super-sized.  As an adult, I haven’t abandoned the golden arches, but I certainly don’t eat there as much as I did as an ultra-happy Happy Meal youngin 

Anywho, I always remembered seeing this plaque in our local Maccy D’s…

And I was like, who’s Ray Kroc?  And why isn’t his last name McDonald??  And what up wit dat???  I didn’t bother to ever ask my parents these questions, so I kept these questions to myself

The rise of the internet somehow never moved me to look further into this, and so I am thankful that the answers in the John Lee Hancock directed, and Robert Siegel written story of how Ray Kroc became Mr McDonald’s, and the McDonald brothers became a footnote in their own invention could be found in The Founder

Kroc (an excellent, cold AND hot Michael Keaton) was a struggling milkshake salesman, when a chance encounter with Richard and Maurice McDonald (a less annoying/mustached than usual Nick Offerman, and the mad round of awesomeness John Carroll Lynch) and their bustling, innovative namesake burger joint in San Bernardino, California, changed the fortunes and futures of all involved

Dick and Mac McDonald created McDonald’s, but with their permission, they unleashed Kroc to make their modern fast food franchise into a giant reality, and created a monster in the process.  The Brothers wanted to retain and maintain control, but as the brand grew under Kroc’s stewardship, they lost more and more of it, to the point where they were cut out completely

The story of McDonald’s is the story of America – capitalism, efficiency, grease, greed - all done with a smile, no matter how crooked that smile is on the inside

Mr Kroc, you may not be the greatest human being, but don’t you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette?  I mean, without him, would you have ever even had a childhood?

For me, the answer is’ no’, and the same goes with Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy’s.  I want to hear his story.  He was adopted AND he worked under Colonel Sanders!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Founder is found at a theater near jews AND white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Killing Me, Hardly

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl
Me Hurl and The Dying For This Movie To End
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

me earl dying girl

I don’t even know exactly how to sum up how much I didn’t like (and basically HATTTTTTTTTTTTTED) this movie, and I really don’t have to bother since David Edelstein somehow captured my thoughts exactly, but…

if you are looking for a crappier version of…

The Fault in Our Stars

fault stars

but less romantic


that focuses on one of THE most annoying and non-interesting teenage protagonists I’ve encountered in a while (this is not actually him)

annoying teenager

who is forced by his mom to hang out with that super adorable girl from Bates Motel, who has nothing to do in the movie cept have big eyes, and eventually shave her head cause she has cancer

olivia cooke

and our annoying teen boy gets by in his dweeby high school life with his quirky black friend (think Urkel, but not really.  I juss wanted to post a gif of Urkel)


and together they re-make movies in a way that’s somehow dumber then the ultra-dumb Be Kind Rewind

and the whole movie feels like the 193482382th Wes Anderson Rushmore rip-off you’ve ever seen



and the movie feels like one giant cancer guilt trip, that isn’t worth taking

guilt trip poster

and for some reason Nick Offerman is in it, and he’s basically as exciting as the grumpy looking cats he looks like

nick offerman

and if I don’t have anything nice to say, too bad, cause I already said it, but don’t see this movie cause it sucks, besides MAYBE the last last 5 minutes, but getting to that last five minutes is pointless torture, but I will say something nice – the Pittsburgh-regional locations for the movie were AWESOME!  Especially the high school they used!



Verdictgo: f this movie, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Him, Earl and Toe Jam zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzes you in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


A Brand MEW Day

Post Drunk Love
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 85 min

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is adorable.  This is a general statement, and has nothing to do with James Ponsoldt‘s Smashed.  In Smashed, MEW is a school teacher by day, and an alcoholic by night AND day.  One day she vomits in front of her students.  Then she tells the students that she’s preggers as a cover, and realizes she has a problem, a BIG problem, BUT HER PROBLEMS ARE JUST GETTING STARTED, but maybe her problems are just getting started to getting solveded!!!!  Her husband is also a drunkard, and is played by Aaron Paul, who had to stretch real hard to play someone who’s really fcuked up.  Supporting MEW are TV players and real-life hubby-wife duo – Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally.  Offerman sports a mustache and speaks softy, like he does on TV.  Mullally speaks cheerfully and endlessly, like she does on TV.  Octavia Spencer shows up too, cause some movie needed to hire her after winning an Oscar.  It’s actually kinda sad, cause what kinda roles is Spencer gonna get?  Endless supporting ones?  Someone make a movie for this woman!  Anywho, this movie is MEW’s movie, and she egggggcellently carries what’s barely there to a predictable, yet satisfying finish.  Bottom’s up, while bottoming out! MEW!!!

MEW has the best eyes ever.  maybe.  really.  probably

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

take a sip of Smashed in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Way of Right of Way

21 Jump Street
They Got The Beat, Street
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 109 min

21 Jump Street the movie defied the following odds…

a) its trailer was horrible

b) aside from The Fugitive, Dragnet, The Brady Bunch, The Addams Family and The Untouchables, old TV shows rebooted to feature films suck

c) if it’s the 21st century and Ice Cube is in your movie, it’s probably not funny

How it bypassed all of these roadblocks is kinda a modern day movie miracle.  And on top of all that, it’s the most laugh out loud-able film we’ve seen since Jackass 3-D, but if yer talking actual scripted comedies, then it would be the laughiest riot laugh since 2008’s Step Brothers, but it’s better than Step Brothers, so we’d have to definitely say that 21 Jump Street is the funniest f$%king movie we’ve seen since the 2007 original version of Death At A Funeral!!!!!!  That’s right, yo, it’s taken 5 years to make us laugh that hard again.  You know we’re tough on comedy, but it’s a tough love.  No easy laughs, although we do love slapstick humor, which is kinda the easiest laugh giver of givers.  Anywho, take this paragraph for it’s worth, and that worth is that 21 Jump Street is comedy gold, and will probably end up as one of our favorites of 2012… and it’s only March.  WOW

Credit all involved, from the directors (hot buttery action from bottom to top by Phil Lord & Chris Miller), to the writers (Michael Bacall, who just gave us the crizzazzy Project X, with help from Jonah Hill, giving us the winkiest eye wink that will make you want to wink right back) and to the actors (Hill again, in silly straight man skinny mode, plus playing against type Channing Tatum, playing against type, and the aforementioned usually unfunny Ice Cube being funny, and Rob Riggle, who is also usually not funny also being funny, and Chris Parnell, who is criminally funny, being criminally funny, and it’s a crime in general that he doesn’t work more, cause he’s one of SNL’s best alumnuts, EVER, and a guy who looks exactly like a mini-James Franco cause he is a mini-James Franco, cause he is James Franco’s brother Dave Franco + some slices of Ellie Kemper & Nick Offerman, and finally Brie Larson, who you’ll instantly fall in love with, if you weren’t already, and who’s future’s so bright that she’d put Ray-Ban out of bidness)

So what more do you need to know?  Plot?  There is one.  A very decent enuff one that supports the rest of the funny bidness from becoming udder malarkey bidness

moral of the story – they made a movie out of a TV show that didn’t need a movie, and even if it’s barely sorta like the TV show, it’s better than the TV show, and better than any TV show that was turned into a movie since The Brady Bunch!  BAM!!!!

Fanning Over Dakota: Jess Weixler is fine and all, but we recommend you upgrade to the similiarish looking…

Dakota Johnson

and know who she is?


Verdictgo: Breast In Show

21 Jumps into a theater near jews today!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


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