X-Men: Apocalypse
Sophie Page Turner
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 144 min

Oh, hey – another superhero movie!  But ya know what?  I’ve come to the realization that out of ALL the superhero franchises in existence – I like the X-Men ones the most, and I’m not even really an X-Men kinda guy (my peeps are The New Teen Titans of the late 80s, early 90s).  I think I’ve liked or super-liked every single one of the X-Men movies, even the Brett Ratner one (but not really the solo Wolverine ones, which doesn’t make much sense as to why they aren’t so great, cause Hugh as Wolvie is SO great)

Well, this X-Men movie may not be perfect (Oscar Isaac‘s mummy resurrected bad guy was kinda cool, but the final battle vs him wasn’t so much), but I am on board with whatever this movie is.  Mainly cause…

they don’t let Olivia Munn talk! (she’s in an insult to actors everywhere who cannot get employed, while she is)

and Evan Peters as the super fast dude is STILL the fcuking BBBBBBBBBBBBBEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but more importantester than ANYTHING… 

Sophie Turner is sooooooo SUPER fine, in leather, and not in leather

(I’m a sucker for redheads, in leather, and not in leather)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

X-Men is about to X-it theaters soon!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Ex Machina
Ro-bust!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 108 min

Ever wanted to see a less big A.I.?  You can in Alex Garland‘s Ex Machina, which is quiet and creepy and sexy and scary, and welll designed, and stuff!

It’s got dweeby Domhnall Gleeson trying to disguise his Irish accent with a horrible American accent, and Alicia Vikander trying not to be super hot cause she’s a robot who is super hot, and Oscar Isaac trying not to be a nice guy, and trying to be an amazing dancer (with Sonoya Mizuno) AND SUCCEEDING!!!

What’s the movie about?  Robots, humans, robots interacting with humans, humans interacting with robots.  What is real?  What is robotz?  What are emotions?  How amazing a dancer is Oscar Isaac?  How badly do you want to stay at this place in Norway (where the film was filmed)?

Question is, do you like robots and da future and questions?  If you answer ‘yes’ or ‘ellllls yeah’ to all three, then see this film

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Machina ruins smoothy at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

meet the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

 

John Boyega as Sando Calrissian

Sando grew up in Cloud City, living under the shadow of his dashing father Lando.  Sick of hearing his father’s glorified stories about the Battle of Taanab and endless late-night partying with Nien Nunb, Sando left home to make it on his own.  Since then, he has become a legendary pilot, and an even bigger scoundrel AND player than his father ever was.  He currently holds 14 death sentences on as many planets, and has won the last 3 World Series of Sabacc titles

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Daisy Ridley as Hope Solo

When parents Leia and Han tell their daughter Hope that they love her, she always replies, ‘I know’.  But does she?  HOPE so!!!  Hope, like her mother and grandmother before her, is one of the most independent women in the galaxy.  When she’s not getting straight A’s at Coruscant University, she devotes a lot of her free time to the Refugee Relief Movement.  And if she has any additional additional free time, she makes her own bathtub blue milk, from her great Aunt‘s secret recipe.  The force is slightly strong with this one, although she’s only a half-breed, and gets her ‘shoot first’ mentality genes directly from her pops

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Adam Driver as Darth Brooks

Not much is known about Darth Brooks, but what is known is to stay the fcuk out of his way.  Brooks employs the rare tri-lightsaber, which can not only slice opponents with ease, but galactic pizzas as well!

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Oscar Isaac as Dweezil Zapple

When it comes to Jizz music, there no musician more on top of his game than Dweezil Zapple.  Sadly, the rest of the galaxy doesn’t realize that.  Stuck playing coffee shops and bounty hunter bars on remote planets, Dweezil keeps on keeping on, waiting to make a breakthrough.  Sales of his last album weren’t promising, but an opening slot on the Max Rebo tribute band’s latest tour is.  To make ends meet, Dweezil moonlights as a droids dealer.  His most popular seller is R7-D4

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Andy Serkis as Grand Toff Fee

After the destruction of the second Death Star, the Empire was in shambles, until Grand Toff Fee rose thru the ranks and righted the ship.  He is currently overseeing the construction of a third Death Star, and promises that this one will be indestructible, and will not have a shield generator located anywhere near any muppets or midgets

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Domhnall Gleeson as Obi-Thwoo Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi was perhaps the greatest and most dedicated of all the Jedis, but everyone has their faults and weaknessess.  Obi-Wan’s was prostitutes, and he would use the force to force himself upon endless hookers, without paying them a dime or spices.  Well, one of these forced situations, with a Mos Eisley red-lighter named Sxxixty Nyne, resulted in a bastard child that Obi-Wan never knew about.  Nyne tried her best to raise her son, Obi-Thwoo, but being the son of whore didn’t provide much of an opportunity for him, and so she sent him to the Jedi Academy on his 10th birthday.  Obi-Thwoo was a quick study, and soon become as good a Jedi as his father before him.  But apparently he couldn’t escape his genes either – as he got involved in a scandalous affair with Yaddle that threatened to destroy the Jedis forever

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Max von Sydow as Galactic Emperor Vax mon Ydow

Emperor Vax mon Ydow is one of the most malicious and vicious men in the entire galaxy.  He has been known to set up meetings, and then not show up.  BASTARD!!!  One of his biggest priorities as Emperor, besides killing all the Jedi, is to figure out a better system of visual communication other than the ye olde glitchy hologram

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so there you have it.  will this be the bestest Star Wars ever????  probably not, but it will probably be 129393939 billion times better than the last 3 Lucas gave us.  HOOOOORAY!!!!!!!

Inside Llewyn Davis
That Darn Cat
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 105 min

I don’t get it. I get that this movie’s about an unlucky folk singer named Llewyn Davis, who’s an amazing musician, but can’t catch a break, or even a cold, but beyond that, what’s it all about Coeny Bros? No, seriously, what is this movie about?  Cause to me it’s about NOTHING.  Is it a tribute to some real forgotten folkie named Dave Van Ronk, who had an album called Inside Dave Van Ronk? Apparently so. But what do we learn about him or his faux self? NOT A FCUKING THING. And what do we care about in this movie? Not much. Sure, we sorta want success to come to Llewyn (a superb Oscar Isaac), but the bleak tone sez it aint in the cards, so why should we care?  The only thing we sorta care about is the cat (or cats) Llewyn lets inside his life.  But a movie about caring for cats, that’s well shot, and has a slickly-produced T Bone Burnett soundtrack, and not much else really isn’t much of anything.  You keep thinking that it may turn into something, being from Joel & Ethan, but if anyone else made this movie, people would be totally WTFing this movie instead of BS praising it.  It’s beautiful, but forgettable.  We already forgot about it.  It makes Todd Haynes’ cryptically dreamy I’m Not There look like a fluid dose of reality.  Don’t go Inside.  Go outside and do something else

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Llewyn is currently strumming in select theaters

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Drive
Motive Auto
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Everything about Drive is so f%cking cool – the 80s snyth pop, the toothpicks, Albert Brooks‘ nice-guy-asshole asshole nice-guyedness, that satin scorpion jacket, the lighting in the elevator on Carey Mulligan‘s adorable face, the use of the Risky Business font, Ryan Gosling‘s clenched leathered fists, Christina Hendricks 8 seconds of screen time, balancing the audio between the police scanner and the basketball game, that creepy rubber face mask, Bryan Cranston‘s limp, Nino’s delicious menu, Oscar Isaac‘s sudden fall, strippers watching hammer time, Ron Perlman‘s annoyingness properly used, handshakes, hand holding, and pretty much every single choice director Nicolas Winding Refn made to make Drive drive

What about the script?  It was aiiiiight, but this baby’s all style (AND DETAILS!!!), and has enough substance that you should substance abuse this

This is what all 5 Fast & Furiouseses should have been

Get out of your dreams and into a car to see Drive!

Drive-ing Map: thanks to Movieline, when now know where all of Gosling’s pit stops are, including where Nino/Vincenzo’s Pizzerias is/are!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show 

Drive wees crazy at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…