Tag Archives: Amanda Seyfried

Fire Stalk With Me

the cast of the new Twin Peaks series is INSANE, and endless – click here to read ALL 217 names

it’s udderly nice to see soooo MANY familiar names on the roster – included our beloved Harry Goaz as Deputy Andy Brennan + Catherine E Coulson as The Log Lady – even though Catherine sadly left earth and logs behind in the fall of 2015.  Heck, even the front desk receptionist from The Great Northern is back!!!

however – absent from the list are – The Man from Another Place (really???) Sheriff Harry S Truman, his girlfriend Jodie, Piper Laurie, Leo ‘New Shoes’ Johnson (WTF),  any version of Donna Hayward, David Lynch’s son, Heather Graham, Dick Tremayne (one of my personal favorite characters), and even Van Dyke Parks!!  not sure if they are gonna cameo or it aint happening at all or what.  lettuce truss in Lynch/Frost and see where it goes

anywho, there are a fcukload of newbies, so lets take a guess as to what characters these actors are playing, and who they are (spoilers from Twin Peaks past may lie ahead… but shame on you if you’ve somehow never watched the greatest TV show that ever was)…

 

Jane Adams as Pepper Patterson

jane adams

Pepper is The Great Northern’s concierge, a job she learned all about from her aunt Julie, who held the same position 25 years ago

Monica Bellucci as Countess Valentina Bianchi

monica

a mysterious Italian woman who has taken over the affairs of Thomas Eckhardt.  she smokes more than she talks

Jim Belushi as John Aykroyd

belushi

long living in the shadow of his deceased brother and his brother’s business partner, he’s ready to step into the spotlight and make a lot of noise – with his loud mouth and wisecracks, which may end in his own demise

Michael Cera as The Blog Lady

michael cera

The Log Lady will die (it sadly has to be), and in her place, all the town’s mythical wisdom will come from her long lost son, who dresses as a woman and blogs about all the visions he has of the woods – THE BLOG LADY!!!

Richard Chamberlain as Chamberlain Richárd

rich cham

with the Renault Bros out of the picture, someone needs to run the drugs, women and every other vice from Canada down into Twin Peaks.  Chamberlain Richárd is that man, and he’s twice as malicious and twice as Canadian as the Renaults ever were

Frank Collison as Stooby Jensen

frank collison

the town’s preacher, who is also the town’s rabbi

Jeremy Davies & Balthazar Getty as Duffy and Daffy McScrappy

davies

getty

The McScrappy Brothers are the town’s biggest troublemakers, and drunks.  They’ve spent more nights in the sheriff’s overnight jail cell than they have on the outside.  No wonder – their uncle is Hank Jennings

Laura Dern as Dorna Loone

dern lynch

after Nadine goes blind in her other eye, she needs more help than ever – and in comes her doting niece Dorna Loone – but she has her own issues – she has three ears!!

Francesca Eastwood as Arnolda Palmer

eastwood fran

wait, Laura Palmer had MORE cousins???  Man, I fear for poor Arnolda Palmer.  Whatever you do Arnolda – don’t visit the town.  Bad things will happen.  And stay away from plastic or from people who like to wrap

Patrick Fischler as The One-Eyebrowed Man

flischer

remember the One-Armed Man?  well, now there’s the One-Eyebrowed Man – a man who’s a body to a spirit.  Good or evil – time will tell, but there aint no shaving or stopping this unibrow

Robert Forster as Sheriff Richard M Nixon

rob forest

strange that they’d replace honest Sheriff Harry S Truman with mischievous Sheriff Richard M Nixon, but he’s not a crook, is he?

Ernie Hudson as Spin Williams

ernie hudson

There were TWO black characters in the original series (BARELY), and now there’s at least one in the new series.  Spin William’s is the town’s #1 DJ on radio station WTIN (get it – it’s like TWIN, but spelled wrong!).  Yep, Twin Peaks is town that still values radio, in an age of Spotiwhatever

Ashley Judd as FBI Agent Wynonna Naomi

ashley kudd

the FBI knew it had lady trouble when their only lady was Denise Bryson.  No more – Georgian peach agent Wynonna Naomi is a no-nonsense lady who can pack heat and create it.  BAD GUYS BEWARE!!!! AND AGENT COOPER TOO!!!

Jennifer Jason Leigh as Marguerite Meade

jjleigh

rivalries are a big part of Twin Peaks culture, and there’s no rivalry going that may be more delicious than the one going on between the Double R Diner and the one Marguerite Meade owns – The Triple Q Diner.  TOAST WILL BURN!!!

Matthew Lillard as Gilbert Gottbaked

lillard

Twin Peaks is a town of full of nutjobs, and none may be nuttier than the guy in charge of the TP’s marijuana dispensary – Gilbert Gottbaked.  His original last name was Gottesbergfeld, but he changed it to increase business sales

Trent Reznor as Pavel Puree

david trent

first it was the Icelanders, then the Norwegians, and now come the Bulgarians looking to invest in Twin Peaks real estate.  But long gone are the nice and sweet blonde Northern Europeans, and in are the dark, brooding and shady Eastern Europeans, led by Pavel Puree, who has more than plots of land on his mind – like burying people under them!

Tim Roth as Ace Asimov

tim roth

ruthless Canadians aren’t the only dirty dealers dealing in Twin Peaks – in comes one of Russia’s biggest and baddest oil barons – Ace Asimov, who likes his vodka warm, and his murders cold

Amanda Seyfried as Poppy Hewitt

amanda s

there is, and will always be, only one Laura Palmer – the center of it all, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be a new object of everyone’s affection – like what happens when Dale Cooper finds out he has a daughter, who juss so happens to come to town looking for him.  Poppy Hewitt will light everyone’s F-I-R-E, but can Twin Peaks survive another blonde with endless ambition???

Ethan Suplee as Theo Johnson

ethan slurpee

Leo Johnson is missing, and his brother Theo wants to find him… and a pair of new shoes along the way

Lauren Tewes as Mildred Ambers Horne

tewes

it’s about time Jerry Horne stopped being horny and settle down, especially with a woman his own age.  happy homemaker Mildred Ambers Horne has changed Jerry’s life for the better, but is he a better man, or still up to his old tricks?

Eddie Vedder as Otis Skunkmeyer

eddie vedder

Big Ed still has a gas farm, but he aint getting any younger.  With his nephew James Hurley leaving the family business, that leaves mechanic Otis Skunkmeyer to help Ed out with this and that

Naomi Watts as Tilly Ivers

watts lynch

we told you Coop had a long lost daughter, right?  well, what about a long lost mother to that daughter?  welcome Tilly Ivers – Coop’s high school sweetheart who’s come to find him and reclaim his heart, and soul

Twin Peaks 2017 is so on.  I’m jazzed – hope you are too!!

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Portrait of a Serial Stiller

While We’re Young
Fountain of Youth Truths
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 97 min

while we're young

Noah Baumbach cannot be stopped, and I hope he doesn’t, cause he keeps handing us charming little films that charm the little big pants off of us, and sometimes they make us cringe, but in the best possible way.  So what would happen if you took his gruff Ben Stiller Greenberg character, grounded him a bit more (but still let him be crazy after all these years), and then let his inner youth playfulness play out like France Ha?? I’ll tell – you get While We’re Young, which is like Girls, but with girls AND boys AND adults, and it’s like actually watchable (read – not horrible), and thensome and things!

Documentary filmmaker Stiller and producer wife Naomi Watts aren’t having a midlife crisis, but all their friends are having babies (including Ad-Rock Adam Horovitz!!!) and they aren’t, or doing much of anything, so they’re looking for something fun and new.  They find it in hipster extraordinaire couple Adam Driver and Amanda Seyfried.  Driver wants to make docs like Stiller, and Darby makes ice cream.  Stiller and Watts eat them up, take them under their wings, but it’s really Driver and Seyfried who take the ‘older’ couple under their wings – introducing them to a world where bike riding with a dope hat, hip-hop dance classes, VHS movie watching, and tripping balls on ayahuasca are the new normal

Things go well, until, well, they don’t, and Stiller starts to see a rusty lining in his dip in the fountain of youth.  Join them + Charles GrodinBrady Corbet and Ryan Serhant (perfectly playing a douche-wad just like himself) as they search for youthful truths, and adult realities

Oh, and nice Scott Rudin cameo there!!

Verdictgo: MOS DEF Jeepers Worth A Peepers

feel Young at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Premature Immaculation

Lovelace
Where They’re Against Her Will, There Is A Way
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 93 min

lovelace

Poor Linda Lovelace, I mean Boreman – an innocent girl born to overbearing Christian parents, who met the wrong man (Chuck Traynor), which led to 17 days of working in the porn industry, which led to a lifetime of infamy, and pain and suffering.  Even more poorerer – the biopic treatment created in her image, which is trying to change her image from porn star to porn victim, like she tried dones doing herself.  The material is rich (think Star 80, without murder), and so were the performances (, showing range AND her boobs!! + good sleazy work by  &  + saddy sadness by an uglified  and a crying ! ), but there’s juss not enuff penetration of who Linda Lovelace/Boreman actually was here to justify you whipping out your cock wallet.  It’s one long tease, with little to show for it.  Linda Lovelace deserved a lot better in life, and in her first cinematic treatment too.  Maybe the other Lovelace movie that Lohan got kicked off of will do what Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman‘s flick didn’t.  Lovelace dicks around the outside of Deep Throat.  You want in? –  juss re-watch Inside Deep Throat

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Lovelace is loveless currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The 2012 Thighsmans

picked the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2012

and now, for the only awards that matter…

9thishendith Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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The Death To Smoochy Würstest Picture AND The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Holy French Gar-bagé Film of the Year!!!!!

Smoochy Holy Motos

Holy Motors Shit

dishonrable mentions for also sucking a$$…

Hunger Lames & Hitchsucks

_

 

Favoriteisteest Performance
of The Year
Barr None

Tara Lynne Barr

Tara Lynne Barr

in the not so great God Bless America

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The 3rd Annual
Greta Grrr Wig
Recipient of The OK
This Joke/Career
Muss Be Stopped Now Award

ODowd Grrr Wig

Chris O’Dowd

we get it, you’re Irish, bearded, and loud, now go away

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Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Quvenzhané Wallis / The Impossible trio –  Tom Holland, Oaklee Pendergast Samuel Joslin / David Rauchenberger /  Max Charles / Ella Purnell / Gulliver McGrath / Shannon Beer / Thomas Doret / Brady Hender and Nick Nervies (above) /  Judd Apatow’s kids

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The Samuel L Jackson Never Met A Script He Didn’t Like Guy of The Year

 Cranston-Windu

Bryan Cranston

who had 7 flix released in 2012!!

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Comeback of The Year

that wasn’t Rodriguez

WB-Logo

The 1972 Warner Bros logo as seen in Argo and Magic Mike

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Facial Hair That Cares

spader-lincoln

tie  

Rory Cochrane in Argo

& James Spader in Lincoln 

bonus shout-out to
Marcel Herrand in 1945’s Les Enfants du Paradis

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Würstest Hitchcock
Impersonation/Make-Up Job
That Was More Like
A TV’s Batman Penguin
Impersonation/Embarrassment

HitchcockPenguin

Anthony Hopkins ‘as’ Hitchcock in Hitchsucks

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Würstest Baseball Play-By-Play Call
By A Former Member of ‘N Sync

Justin Timberlake
in Trouble With The Play-By-Play

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Bob’s Big Girls – The Bobbies!

bae doona bob

Bae Donna as Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas 
+7 other winners
!

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman = WOWWWWWW

Ali Cobrin showing off her American boobs in American Reunion [NSFW]

the Skyfall Bond Girls

that kid from Project X was in nerd porn [NSFW]

Marion Cotillard is rusty, but she bones without 2 legs [NSFW]

the hunt for naked Helen Hunt never ends!!! [NSFW]

Paperwoman

+

Apron We Wish Was
More Like AprOFF!!

dreama-apron

Dreama Walker in an apron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with nothing else in Compliance

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

eyes amanda s

Amanda Seyfried in Lez Snooze

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Heathcote Most Worth Bellaing

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s

Bella Heathcote

in Dark Shadows and Not Fade Away

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The LAC Daddy Mommy

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s
or Bella Heathcote’s 

Lauren Ashley Carter in Premium Rush

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Face Timeless

Tim McMullan’s face in The Woman In Black

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Miscecallous Things That Either Stepped Up or Stepped Down More Than Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows Did In Step-Up 99999-D 

everything about The Tin Drum

those Robot & Frank VGC-60L posters

remembering the forgotten McDonalds scenes
in the original Red Dawn

Bradley Cooper as a student asked Robert DeNiro a question on Inside The Actor’s Studio

The Ancient Booer is still alive!!!!!

trying to figure out what ‘Wuthering’ means

Bob Marley’s dad was a white dude

our Prometheus review

that poor kid with the fish lips

I keep forgetting that Crispin Glover didn’t play George McFly in Back to the Future II and III

and wait, Michael Keaton was originally in Purple Rose of Cairo??

farting and hand jobs do not need to be seen
in 70mm or even 1mm

jury’s still out on 48fps

an athletic center grows in a former movie palace in Brooklyn

goodbye Lucas, hello better new Star Wars

Warhol of Fame

Javier Dean Bardem Morgan

the American dumphole palace to end all dumphole palaces can be yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DB Sweeney retweeted our DB Sweeney tweet!!!!!

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Songs That Execute Butter Than Norman Mailer’s Bong Hobbit Pipe

norman-mailer-hobbit

anything by Rodriguez

Ici LondresandQui Aimes-tu?by Chiara Mastroianni & Paul Schneider in Beloved (Les Bien Aimés)

Skyfall by Adele

Les Surfs – ‘Tú serás mi baby (Be My baby)’ from Tabu

anything sung by Katpoop Everdeen

the theme from Django and Django Unchained

Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’ in Rust & Bone

Beasts of the Southern Wild soundtrack

The Cloud Atlas sextet

and my fav of the year…

Let My Baby Ride‘ in Holy Motors

and the würst

‘Señor Don Gato’ by Hani Furstenberg in The Loneliest Planet
(be thankful I can’t find a clip of it)

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor we are going back to naming our trailer award after him!)

 robert traylor

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

2012-Movie-Posters

2012-Movie-Posters_wide

 

+

 

& the würst

& the würrstetst

& twinsies würsteresteserteestsers!!!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

black hole

The Devil Inside / Joyful Noise / Coriolanus / The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel / Rust and Bone /The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure / Frankenweenie / Here Comes the Boom / Fun Size / The Man with the Iron Fists / Jack Reacher

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Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award

(not limited to actors)

fenella

Wilfred Pickles / Pumpsie Green / Gonnie Baars / Bibhutibhushan Bandyopadhyay / Scoot McPoop / Billy Butts / Barend Barendse / Hella Kürty / Sky Low Low / Chill Wills / Cutter Dykstra / Poodles Hanneford / Tuffy Genders / Mimis Fotopoulos / Kittens Reichert / Toon Kortooms / Sal Pacino 

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Movies To Look For In The ‘013

Mexican remake of DC Cab 

Jiro Dreams of Dreama Walker

Project XI

Abraham Lincoln: Holly Hunter

12 Fast, 12 Furious

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In Memoriam

Vampire Baseball

+

Tony Scott & BorgNINEever & Ralph McQuarrie & Enduring Durning & Andy G & Dick D-AWESOME & Ben Gazzarra

+ 

Scary German Guy

 

don’t forget to peep out our ’11’10’09’08’07’06’05’04’03, and ’02 awards!! 

movies are amazing, and so are you 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

3 Comments

Long Play Audio Cosette

Les Misérables
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 157 min 9ever long

[the following contains spoilers, like THIS MOVIE IS UNBEARABLY BORINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  sorry, had to spoil it for you]

Snooze Valsnooze (Hugh Jackman) stole some bread or something so he’s stuck in hard labor jail that’s basically a place where men pull ropes and get rained on.  His main adversary is Javsnooze (Russell Crowe), who hates him cause he’s a better Australian singer than he’ll ever be.  One day, Snooze Valsnooze escapes and then finds asylum in a church, but then he steals stuff from the church, is caught, but the priest lies for Valsnooze, which makes no sense, unless the priest wanted to sleep with him, but he doesn’t, cause he’s not a small boy [PRIEST JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Then years pass and Snooze Valsnooze now has a new identity and owns some sort of sewing company that employees a comely but really poor Snoozetine (Anne Hathaway), who can’t stop crying cause she has a daughter that she needs to feed, but needs a job to feed her, but she can’t really do her job cause she can’t stop crying, so basically she’s the world’s worst employee.  Snoozetine gets fired (SHOCKER), so she sells her hair and her teeth and her body, and sings a song about dreaming and basically dies, then dies.  Is this a dream or a nightmare???  Snooze Valsnooze feels bad that she died cause he’s a thief with a heart of gold, and a voice of platinum!!!, so he takes Snoozetine’s daughter Snoozesette (younger version played by Isabelle Allen & older version by Amanda Seyfried), but then Snooze Valsnooze has to run away cause Javsnooze smells his faux sewing ruse, so Snoozesette lands in the hands of Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett (Sacha Baron Cohen & Helena Bonham Carter, the only BRIGHT spot in 9 hours of dark and dreary bllllaaaaaahhhhhhhness), who are like slimy innkeepers who also sing cause the musical play theater play musical said they had to

Anywho, Snooze Valsnooze returns to take his faux kid back from the comic relievers, and he does, and then Valsnooze and Snoozesette get new identities like ‘Boring Valborings’ & ‘Boringsette’, and then hide in some little Hobbit house in a graveyard or something.  Then a fake French Revolution happens and that annoying redhead who faux bedded Marylin Monroe (Eddie Redmayne) sees Boringsette walking around Francetown and instantly falls in love with her, but he’s being secretly loved by Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett’s real daughter (Samantha Barks), but her story doesn’t matter, even though she’s hot, and how is it that that annoying redheaded guy has two women who want to bang him??  He’s so lame that even his left hand refuses to beat him off

Anywho, the half-assed revolution begins by the dirty French people throwing furniture into the streets, and then the army shoots all of them, cause the furniture pile is a giant mess.  Most of the revolutionaries die (SPANK DAWG, cause it means the movie’s closer to ending), but Boring Valborings saves that annoying redhead cause he knows that he would be a good person to bang his faux daughter Boringsette for eternity.  Then he feels ashamed for some reason and disappears, and then Javsnooze reappears and is ashamed or something (mainly cause of his singing voice) so he kills himself, and then Boring Valborings dies, but right before he does, he gets to see Boringsette’s face one last time (see below)

Think that was what the movie was.  Wait, WHAT THE FCUK WAS THAT?  That story is not even a story, and it’s stretches longer than turning the 310 paged Hobbit book into 3 Hobbit movies.  Les Snooze feels like 19 Hobbits.  It tastes like boring.  It’s so fcuking snoozy.  Sure, it’s well made and stuff, but so are guns, and guns kill people.  Les Misérables will kill any joy you have in your body.  Who wants to see a movie like that, with singing?  Only Gaspar Noé’s allowed to do that, without singing.  Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!

[disclaim-her – I have never seen the musical on Broadway, and now, never want to, ever. long die Snooze Valsnooze!]

Why didn’t they just turn this gif into a 157 minute movie?

or shoot it in 48fps so it looked even faster than our eyes and brain can handle!!!!

Amanda Seyfried’s eyes > everything > tiramisu

Verdictgo: Next To Zero Dark Merit But All Snoozy Badges

Les Misérables is doling out comas at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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