Man of Steel
Bigville
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 143 min

Dude, Zack Snyder was 2/3rds on his way to making the bestest Zack Snyder movie ever, but then he turned his Superman movie into Rampage, and then mine eyes and brain were like, NOOOOO!!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  BUTTT still, 2/3rds amazing Zack Snyder movie is > most Zack Snyder movies!!!!  IT’S TRUE!!! Cause 300 was red sauce on würst pasta, no one saw that Owl movie, Sucker Punch sucked balls, and Watchmen, while technically and visually brilliant, has since left us with an empty impression.  But Snyder’s Superman (called Man of Steel) felt kinda fresh and exciting, even though we already know everything about Superman, and we’re still attached to the the idea of Christopher Reeve as the one AND only Superman

But…

Henry Cavill IS Superman.  He’s sexy, and he can furrow his brow, and we wanted to have sex with him on The Tudors, and we want to have sex with him now AND 9EVER!!  HE WIN ME!!!

Amy Adams is fine as Lois Lane, and certainly an upgrade over Kate Snoozeworth, but a deaf mute snail would have been an upgrade over Snoozyworth, so nothing shatteringearthy here.  Btw, Superman Returns was totally a good movie

Michael Shannon sure puts his own stamp of terence on General Zod, but how many times can Michael Shannon make a crazy face in a movie?  We worry about him!!  And he so scary that we never want to meet him in real life!

OMG OMG OMG Russell Crowe as El Guapo-El Papa Frita-Jor-El was the knees bees!!!!  Can he be our dad?  Can there be a prequel spinoff movie where he has a beard and does stuff on Krypton like bang his hot Israeli wife Ayelet Zurer til the Krypton cows come home??  The only thing he don’t got on Brando’s Jor is awesome white hair and the ability to mispronounce his planet as ‘Kryptin’

Kevin Costner & Diane Lane as Ma & Pa Kent were good enuff.  Nothing crazy, but mainly cause Smallville is the torch bearer for all young Clarkness stufffffs.  And WTF was up with Pa Kent saving that dog?  Look, I know people love dogs, but no dog is worth giving up yer own life for.  Spoiler alert – I just spoiled a refarted movie death for you, sorry

Laurence Fishburne is Perry White, EIC of the Daily Planet.  He has about as much to do in this movie as a stalk of Kent corn does

7-11, IHOP and Sears – they paid to be in this movie and they all get destroyed.  KINDA AWESOME!!!

The CGI – looked great, especially the shiz on Krypton, like that giant sun

But…

that last hour was juss TOOOOOOO much.  They could cut out about half of the destroying earth stuff, and the fighting in space things, and the Daily Planet intern being stuck in rubble whatevers.  Look, it’s cool to destroy a city and stuff, but the Rampageing didn’t do anything for me neither when it happened in The Avengers, and they only had a fraction of the destruction.  And seriouslyly, where does a sequel go from here?  How do you ‘top’ the toppling of Metropolis?  I’m sure Lex Luthor will pop up in Man of Steel II, but what he gonna do?  Threaten to destroy the city?  Been there, DONE WAY TOO MUCH OF THAT!

But…

There’s more to Snyder’s Superman than there is/was to Nolan (Man of Steel‘s writer/producer)’s Batman series.  It’s dark, but not TOO dark, but Snyder’s Supes is be more emotional and inspiring than watching Nolan’s Bruce Wayne wax and wane.  There’s no humor in either Superman or Batman, but who needs humor?  Those stupid Marvel movies have TOO MUCH HUMOR, and they is juss stoopid.  Enuff with winking at the camera, and just save the world, K?  Snyder and Nolan somehow get it, and for the most part, it’s really f#$king super, man!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Man of Steel soars currently at a theater near jews

oh, and major kudos to AMC who installed POOFY COMFY LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS in a local theater that I always thought was a dumphole.  hope they do this to all their theaters, cause it’s a game changer!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Les Misérables
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 157 min 9ever long

[the following contains spoilers, like THIS MOVIE IS UNBEARABLY BORINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  sorry, had to spoil it for you]

Snooze Valsnooze (Hugh Jackman) stole some bread or something so he’s stuck in hard labor jail that’s basically a place where men pull ropes and get rained on.  His main adversary is Javsnooze (Russell Crowe), who hates him cause he’s a better Australian singer than he’ll ever be.  One day, Snooze Valsnooze escapes and then finds asylum in a church, but then he steals stuff from the church, is caught, but the priest lies for Valsnooze, which makes no sense, unless the priest wanted to sleep with him, but he doesn’t, cause he’s not a small boy [PRIEST JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Then years pass and Snooze Valsnooze now has a new identity and owns some sort of sewing company that employees a comely but really poor Snoozetine (Anne Hathaway), who can’t stop crying cause she has a daughter that she needs to feed, but needs a job to feed her, but she can’t really do her job cause she can’t stop crying, so basically she’s the world’s worst employee.  Snoozetine gets fired (SHOCKER), so she sells her hair and her teeth and her body, and sings a song about dreaming and basically dies, then dies.  Is this a dream or a nightmare???  Snooze Valsnooze feels bad that she died cause he’s a thief with a heart of gold, and a voice of platinum!!!, so he takes Snoozetine’s daughter Snoozesette (younger version played by Isabelle Allen & older version by Amanda Seyfried), but then Snooze Valsnooze has to run away cause Javsnooze smells his faux sewing ruse, so Snoozesette lands in the hands of Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett (Sacha Baron Cohen & Helena Bonham Carter, the only BRIGHT spot in 9 hours of dark and dreary bllllaaaaaahhhhhhhness), who are like slimy innkeepers who also sing cause the musical play theater play musical said they had to

Anywho, Snooze Valsnooze returns to take his faux kid back from the comic relievers, and he does, and then Valsnooze and Snoozesette get new identities like ‘Boring Valborings’ & ‘Boringsette’, and then hide in some little Hobbit house in a graveyard or something.  Then a fake French Revolution happens and that annoying redhead who faux bedded Marylin Monroe (Eddie Redmayne) sees Boringsette walking around Francetown and instantly falls in love with her, but he’s being secretly loved by Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett’s real daughter (Samantha Barks), but her story doesn’t matter, even though she’s hot, and how is it that that annoying redheaded guy has two women who want to bang him??  He’s so lame that even his left hand refuses to beat him off

Anywho, the half-assed revolution begins by the dirty French people throwing furniture into the streets, and then the army shoots all of them, cause the furniture pile is a giant mess.  Most of the revolutionaries die (SPANK DAWG, cause it means the movie’s closer to ending), but Boring Valborings saves that annoying redhead cause he knows that he would be a good person to bang his faux daughter Boringsette for eternity.  Then he feels ashamed for some reason and disappears, and then Javsnooze reappears and is ashamed or something (mainly cause of his singing voice) so he kills himself, and then Boring Valborings dies, but right before he does, he gets to see Boringsette’s face one last time (see below)

Think that was what the movie was.  Wait, WHAT THE FCUK WAS THAT?  That story is not even a story, and it’s stretches longer than turning the 310 paged Hobbit book into 3 Hobbit movies.  Les Snooze feels like 19 Hobbits.  It tastes like boring.  It’s so fcuking snoozy.  Sure, it’s well made and stuff, but so are guns, and guns kill people.  Les Misérables will kill any joy you have in your body.  Who wants to see a movie like that, with singing?  Only Gaspar Noé’s allowed to do that, without singing.  Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!

[disclaim-her – I have never seen the musical on Broadway, and now, never want to, ever. long die Snooze Valsnooze!]

Why didn’t they just turn this gif into a 157 minute movie?

or shoot it in 48fps so it looked even faster than our eyes and brain can handle!!!!

Amanda Seyfried’s eyes > everything > tiramisu

Verdictgo: Next To Zero Dark Merit But All Snoozy Badges

Les Misérables is doling out comas at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Next Three Days
Prison Broken
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Elizabeth Banks has the ultimate angel/devil smile, and often employs it to keep us guessing as to which one she is.  In Paul Haggis‘ messy, yet whole heartedly entertaining The Next Three Days (a remake of a 2008 French film of a different name), that patented Banks grin is on full display, and we can’t seem to figure out if she’s a cold blooded murderer of a co-worker or an innocent loving mother and wife.  Well, her hubby Russell Crowe knows she’s incapable of being a monster (or is sheeeeee????), and after exhausting ever possible legal option to get her released, he turns to plan b: BREAK HER OUT!!!!!  He’s no expert on the subject, being a community college prof and all, but luckily the guy (Liam Neeson, for all of 1 scene!) who wrote the book on it is, and so Crowe picks his beautiful mind (get it???) and then stuff happens!!!!!!  Most of this stuff is preposterous, and borders on recockulous, and all the secondary characters (Olivia Wilde, Brian Dennehy!!!!, RZA, Kevin Corrigan and Trudie Styler???) have about as much character as an extra with no lines, but still, once this thing gets going, it gets going, and it is so mad tense to like the tense degree!!  And it all takes place in Pittsburgh!!!!!  PITTSBURGH!!!!

Holy Moses!!!!: Moran Atias is Hebrew for ‘please touch my kosher wiener now‘

google has plenty on her work of body!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Three Days condors today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Robin Hood
The Man Who Hood Be Bilking
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Yoooooooo! (or in ye olde English, would that be Yooooooooooooe?)  What up with everyone dissin and pissin and eatin Nissin about Ridley Scott/Brian Helgeland‘s totally passable, plausible, and entertaining enuff Robin Hood?  Yes, we all know Russell Crowe is a cockmuffin, and so is that d-bag from Lost, but here they aint d-cockmuffin bags.  As Robin Longstride or Stridelong or Strongbow or Strongcockmuffin and Little John, they fines as they is, and even aints the focus of the entire movie (there’s other stuff, like castles!  and wars!!  and crowns!!! and old chicks dressed like nuns who say things!!!!  and for some reason there are kids in the woods who wear scary masks and steal seeds!!!!)

Sure, RH & LJ and the merry mens aren’t all that merry here, when compared to the ones we all know and humped from any previous incarnation, cause this aint’s a previous incarnation, this is new one!  One that goes all backstory and no frontstory! It’s no mind blowing or arrow splitting shazzle badazzle, but at least it’s realistic (they have beards and sometimes bleed AND sometimes bed chicks OR sleep with dogs)!  It’s like The Tudors (we always have to compare, sorry), but with better actors (Cate Blanchett, Max von Sydow, William Hurt, Danny Huston), but with no boobs (SHIT!!!)!!  And guess what, Mark Strong plays a bad guy!  That’s the smallest shock since a dwarf tried to give a frog a shocker!!! Hollywood, give Mark Strong a vacation from a movie set and our lives!!!

What more do you people want?  Gladiator sucked and this was far more fun than that cause that’s the truth. What, you want Kevin Costner talking about baseball in Sherwood Forest?  Look, all we want is Disney’s Robin Hood put back onto the big screen, but we don’t run Disney, a movie theater, or the world, so that aint happening, but Ridley’s Hood is happening enuffffff!  Well, enuff to tide us over until something that’s both ye olde and mo mammoth comes to a screen near jews, like The Hobbit, or a 3-D version of John Wayne Bobbitt’s life story with theme song by the Bee Gees!!!! [SFW]

Sure Wood: did you ever watch the 80s British series Robin of Sherwood, later starring Sean Connery’s son (and Mia Sara’s one time hubby) Jason? probably not, but it was so 80s good!!!  and the theme song by Clannad kicked nads!!!

Clannad – ‘Robin (The Hooded Man)’ [empeethree]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Robin is currently gettin medieval in your HOOD

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…