Fading Gigolo
Fade To Blah
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

Apparently actor John Turturro fancies himself a writer and a director.  More like fantasies, as in, YOU WISH PAL, cause if his Fading Gigolo is any proof of his writing and directing skills, his proof in his pudding has zero taste

I like the idea of Woody Allen playing a hapless rookie pimp, but that idea is basically wasted in the movie’s actuality, as he guides Turturro’s blah blank character in-between the legs of Sharon Stone and Sofía Vergara.  Sure, there’s some interesting stuff going on between Woody and Turt and a lonely Hasidic widow, played by Vanessa Paradis, but it’s about touch, and not at all touching

This movie is basically a failed attempt at being a movie, and this review is a failed attempt at reviewing a movie that doesn’t really even need to be reviewed, or seen.  It’s only for Woody Allen acting completists.  For everyone else, it’s a complete waste of time

Verdictgo: Very Very Very Very Very Little Merit and No Stinkin Badges

Gigolo is low hanging unsweet fruit, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

dude, Cheryl Tiegs is still hotter than yer mom, and even most younger ladies

even hotter than Sharon Stone – in 2009

 

TIEGS!!

+

we’re still nuts for India [NSFW]

as she still tickles our ivories.  whatever that means

+

we always ready to take time for Martine!!!

Ms McCutcheon still makes us want to mcTouchin ourselves

Lovelace
Where They’re Against Her Will, There Is A Way
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 93 min

Poor Linda Lovelace, I mean Boreman – an innocent girl born to overbearing Christian parents, who met the wrong man (Chuck Traynor), which led to 17 days of working in the porn industry, which led to a lifetime of infamy, and pain and suffering.  Even more poorerer – the biopic treatment created in her image, which is trying to change her image from porn star to porn victim, like she tried dones doing herself.  The material is rich (think Star 80, without murder), and so were the performances (Amanda Seyfried, showing range AND her boobs!! + good sleazy work by Peter Sarsgaard & Chris Noth + saddy sadness by an uglified Sharon Stone and a crying Robert Patrick! ), but there’s juss not enuff penetration of who Linda Lovelace/Boreman actually was here to justify you whipping out your cock wallet.  It’s one long tease, with little to show for it.  Linda Lovelace deserved a lot better in life, and in her first cinematic treatment too.  Maybe the other Lovelace movie that Lohan got kicked off of will do what Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman‘s flick didn’t.  Lovelace dicks around the outside of Deep Throat.  You want in? –  juss re-watch Inside Deep Throat

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Lovelace is loveless currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

don’t care if the new Total Recall is the Citizen Kane Vertigo of Total Recalls, cause there will always only be THE Total Recall

Thai’s like us poster via strangewood