Brontësaurus

Wuthering Heights
Wutherings Original
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 129 min

Here’s what we knew about Wuthering Heights before seeing the 15th filmed adaptation of it – I think one of Brontë sisters Brontësaurused it.  Other than that, we don’t know what ‘wuthering‘ is or how to spell it without googlesings it!!!

Here’s what we’ve learned about Wuthering Heights after seeing Wuthering Heightsdude, there are heights, and then there are WUTHERING HEIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It’s true!!!  BUT WHAT IS ARE ‘WUTHERING HEIGHTS????????????

We sat thru the whole movie, awake, and really really dug it all, cause it was beautiful and had feelings, and had great foley work, and had even more feelings, but we STILL have zero negative one idea what Wurthering Heights are is!!!

When movies don’t spell things out, the internet does.  According to here, ‘Wuthering Heights‘ is the name of one of the main character’s homes.  Don’t think they mentioned it in the movie, or at least wethinks they didn’t, but maybe they did and we were juss too busy taking in the beauty, and the pain, and the love that could never be, which is a worse pain than the worsestest pain you can imagine (even more so than death by stereo!!!)

But what is ‘wurthering‘???  Webster didn’t know, so we asked his sister Merriam who says ‘blowing with a dull roaring sound‘.  Now that makes sense, cause there is lots of wind blowing with dull roaring sounds in this movie!!!!!!!!!!!  Andrea Arnold did it!!!  No, she really did!  She took some heights and wuthered them.  Of course she did!!!!  Wemeans, she’s made three full length features (this, FCUKING FISH TANK!!!! & the rocky rockin Red Road), and they all is mesmerizings and had awesome womens characters in em, and that’s really all you need to know!

OK, enuff about ‘wuthering’.  What’s the story abouts???  One day a carefree lass named Catherine (Shannon Beer) gains a black half-brother named Heathcliff (Solomon Glave).  The two quickly become as thick as thieves (wait, WHAT THE FRUSH DOES THICK AS THIEVES MEAN????), and they have fun and run around the moors and is never boorsed.  But he’s black, and this is olden times, so he has to do lots of work and her real brother despises Heathcliff and hits him and stuff.  Heathcliff obviously sweats Catherine hard, and Catherine not as obviously sweats him back, but she can’t go all in cause he’s black and this is the olden times.  WHY CAN’T LOVE WIN REGARDLESS OF COLOR OF WUTHERINGS?!?!?!?!?!?  Time passes, and they get older (Cat turns into Kaya Scodelario and H’Cliff into James Howson), and they go their own ways, but LOVE WILL NEVER DIE, UNTIL IT DOES, so sh!t goes down and…  what do you think?  THE HEIGHTS ARE FRUDGERING WURTHERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and in this version of WH the last 16 chapters from the book were cut out, which is a good call, cause the movie is solid as is, and if there were 16 more chapters included, I’d probably still be watching this movie

Oh, and for some reason this movie was shot (or presented) in 1.33:1 (basically 4:3) aspect ratio!!  JUST LIKE MEEK’S CUTOFF!!!!!  Apparently, if you have a beautiful arsty fartsy movie shot in a 4:3 square, Oscilloscope will buy and distribute it.  Kudos to them, and to the square filmmakers they support

Remember Wren:

Amy Wren!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Wuthering wuthers to new Heights in NYC tomorrow, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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