picked the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2012

and now, for the only awards that matter…

9thishendith Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

 

The Death To Smoochy Würstest Picture AND The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Holy French Gar-bagé Film of the Year!!!!!

Holy Motors Shit

dishonrable mentions for also sucking a$$…

Hunger Lames & Hitchsucks

_

 

Favoriteisteest Performance
of The Year
Barr None

Tara Lynne Barr

in the not so great God Bless America

_

 

The 3rd Annual
Greta Grrr Wig
Recipient of The OK
This Joke/Career
Muss Be Stopped Now Award

Chris O’Dowd

we get it, you’re Irish, bearded, and loud, now go away

_

 

Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Quvenzhané Wallis / The Impossible trio –  Tom Holland, Oaklee Pendergast & Samuel Joslin / David Rauchenberger /  Max Charles / Ella Purnell / Gulliver McGrath / Shannon Beer / Thomas Doret / Brady Hender and Nick Nervies (above) /  Judd Apatow’s kids

_

 

The Samuel L Jackson Never Met A Script He Didn’t Like Guy of The Year

 

Bryan Cranston

who had 7 flix released in 2012!!

_

 

Comeback of The Year

that wasn’t Rodriguez

The 1972 Warner Bros logo as seen in Argo and Magic Mike

_

 

Facial Hair That Cares

tie  

Rory Cochrane in Argo

& James Spader in Lincoln 

bonus shout-out to
Marcel Herrand in 1945’s Les Enfants du Paradis

_

Würstest Hitchcock
Impersonation/Make-Up Job
That Was More Like
A TV’s Batman Penguin
Impersonation/Embarrassment

Anthony Hopkins ‘as’ Hitchcock in Hitchsucks

_

 

Würstest Baseball Play-By-Play Call
By A Former Member of ‘N Sync

Justin Timberlake
in Trouble With The Play-By-Play

_

 

Bob’s Big Girls – The Bobbies!

Bae Donna as Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas 
+7 other winners!

_

 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman = WOWWWWWW

Ali Cobrin showing off her American boobs in American Reunion [NSFW]

the Skyfall Bond Girls

that kid from Project X was in nerd porn [NSFW]

Marion Cotillard is rusty, but she bones without 2 legs [NSFW]

the hunt for naked Helen Hunt never ends!!! [NSFW]

Paperwoman

+

Apron We Wish Was
More Like AprOFF!!

Dreama Walker in an apron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with nothing else in Compliance

_

 

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Amanda Seyfried in Lez Snooze

_

 

Heathcote Most Worth Bellaing

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s

Bella Heathcote

in Dark Shadows and Not Fade Away

_

The LAC Daddy Mommy

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s
or Bella Heathcote’s 

Lauren Ashley Carter in Premium Rush

_

 

Face Timeless

Tim McMullan’s face in The Woman In Black

 _

Miscecallous Things That Either Stepped Up or Stepped Down More Than Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows Did In Step-Up 99999-D 

everything about The Tin Drum

those Robot & Frank VGC-60L posters

remembering the forgotten McDonalds scenes
in the original Red Dawn

Bradley Cooper as a student asked Robert DeNiro a question on Inside The Actor’s Studio

The Ancient Booer is still alive!!!!!

trying to figure out what ‘Wuthering’ means

Bob Marley’s dad was a white dude

our Prometheus review

that poor kid with the fish lips

I keep forgetting that Crispin Glover didn’t play George McFly in Back to the Future II and III

and wait, Michael Keaton was originally in Purple Rose of Cairo??

farting and hand jobs do not need to be seen
in 70mm or even 1mm

jury’s still out on 48fps

an athletic center grows in a former movie palace in Brooklyn

goodbye Lucas, hello better new Star Wars

Warhol of Fame

Javier Dean Bardem Morgan

the American dumphole palace to end all dumphole palaces can be yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DB Sweeney retweeted our DB Sweeney tweet!!!!!

when is WB gonna let DB Sweeney @actordbsweeney make a DB Cooper biopic, sponsored by WB Mason, and soundtrack by BBD? — thigh masteя (@thighmaster) February 5, 2013

_

Songs That Execute Butter Than Norman Mailer’s Bong Hobbit Pipe

anything by Rodriguez

‘Ici Londres’ and ‘Qui Aimes-tu?‘ by Chiara Mastroianni & Paul Schneider in Beloved (Les Bien Aimés)

‘Skyfall‘ by Adele

Les Surfs – ‘Tú serás mi baby (Be My baby)’ from Tabu

anything sung by Katpoop Everdeen

the theme from Django and Django Unchained

Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’ in Rust & Bone

Beasts of the Southern Wild soundtrack

The Cloud Atlas sextet

and my fav of the year…

‘Let My Baby Ride‘ in Holy Motors

and the würst

‘Señor Don Gato’ by Hani Furstenberg in The Loneliest Planet
(be thankful I can’t find a clip of it)

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor we are going back to naming our trailer award after him!)

 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

+

 

& the würst

& the würrstetst

& twinsies würsteresteserteestsers!!!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Devil Inside / Joyful Noise / Coriolanus / The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel / Rust and Bone /The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure / Frankenweenie / Here Comes the Boom / Fun Size / The Man with the Iron Fists / Jack Reacher

_

Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award

(not limited to actors)

Wilfred Pickles / Pumpsie Green / Gonnie Baars / Bibhutibhushan Bandyopadhyay / Scoot McPoop / Billy Butts / Barend Barendse / Hella Kürty / Sky Low Low / Chill Wills / Cutter Dykstra / Poodles Hanneford / Tuffy Genders / Mimis Fotopoulos / Kittens Reichert / Toon Kortooms / Sal Pacino 

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘013

Mexican remake of DC Cab 

Jiro Dreams of Dreama Walker

Project XI

Abraham Lincoln: Holly Hunter

12 Fast, 12 Furious

_

In Memoriam

Vampire Baseball

+

Tony Scott & BorgNINEever & Ralph McQuarrie & Enduring Durning & Andy G & Dick D-AWESOME & Ben Gazzarra

+ 

Scary German Guy

 

don’t forget to peep out our ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

movies are amazing, and so are you 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

God Bless America
Falling Down Uncomforter
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Hating modern America is easy.  Putting that hate into scripted words that are read aloud in a movie, not so much.  It worked to dramatic perfection when Michael Douglas stood up while Falling Down, but what if it’s played for laughs, from the mind and hands of Bobcat Goldthwait?  Not a question many are asking, but the answer lies in his 5thish directorial feature, God Bless America

The good news?  America reunites Bobcat with his buddy (and brother of Bill) Joel Murray.  The two shared screen/scream memories in One Crazy Summer, Scrooged, Shakes The Clown (Bob’s first job behind the camera) and some TV movie called Encino Woman, which sounds like something we need to see NOW (not really)!!!  Other good news?  Joel Murray is employed and it’s Bobcat Goldthwait making it happen!  Wait, that’s the same news!  Yeah, but it’s still news!

The bad news?  No matter how cutting or on point Bobcat’s commentary on general American nasty me-ness is (by way of hating on reality TV, news talking heads, and pretty much anything you could think of, including Diablo Cody.  wait, did we write this script??!??!?!), it doesn’t cut very deep on screen, and it doesn’t help that the production values are valued at $5

But wait, there is good news, and it’s not related to Joel Murray being employed.  Joel Murray’s partner in crime-spree (think we forget to mention that Joel gets angry about stuff, and thinks his time on earth is limited, so he decides to go and kill people who he thinks don’t deserve to live, like every asshole on TV) is a teenage girl, and the girl who plays this girl is the most refreshing girl we’ve seen in a movie in a long time that isn’t a Fanning, and her name is Tara Lynne Barr.  She reeks of Anna Faris, but is young enuff to not have crazy strange lips like Anna Faris, which kinda makes her the new Anna Faris until Anna Faris gets her old lips back.  No, but seriously, Lynne Barr is gonna be a star.  We sure hope so.  She has the chops and she shows them in spades and clubs and diamonds and hearts in America, even if this movie doesn’t exactly get our full Blessing.  Sure, it certainly has its moments, but it doesn’t quite add up to anything momentumental.  Still, Lynne Barr is barr-none barrwesome!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

God Bless you (sorta) in limited release tomorrow, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…