Shire On You Crazy Diamond
Who was the least cool & fun & awesome & interesting dude in that fellowship of them rings? Easy answer – Gimli. Nothing against Gimili, but dwarfs juss can’t compete with rugged & handsome Viggo, cutie shield surfing Orlando Bloom (who hasn’t gone on to do anything after LOTR), not so boring Boromir or those four Hobbits who are so fun that they may have actually invented fun. So yeah, dwarfs are pretty much the bottom würst of Middle Earth. Well, JRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien’s first book had one Hobbit and one Ian McKellen, and nothing else but dwarfs – 13 of them. How exciting is 1 dwarf? Not as less exciting as 13 of them. Basically what wees sayings is – is it worth it to go there and back, again, from the Shire to everywhere else but the Shire, and with tons of dwarfs??? We were all burned by George Lucas and his prequels, and The Hobbit is basically barking up similar
Well, guess what, THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY DOES EGGZACTLY WHAT IT NEEDS TO!!!!!!!!!!! While the story & stakes may not be as epic and sizzling as the stuffs going on in LOTR, the book is what it is (we actually read it!!!) and Peter Jackson executed it to the eggsalad cinematic level that you would expect him to delivery it to. What he did was be like, hey, you loved LOTR so much, so why don’t we juss make The Hobbit the same way and stuff, but use much more awesome effects and more awesomer capture motion Gollum than you saw before (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) + throw in stuff that wasn’t even in the book cause you people deserve to see Saruman’s beard and Cate Blanchett speak elvish. WE DO! WE DO!!!!!
And after about 55issssssh beginning minutes of meeting the 13 dwarfs and rolling one’s eyes and being like, damn, these dwarfs are so un-cool, something totally UNEXPECTED happens – you start loving these dwarfs, cause they is actually juss as cool and as funny and interesting and things as Viggo and Bloom and those Hobbits and Borosmear and his brother Unfairasmear!!!!! GO DWARVFES!!!!!!!!!!!! And Richard Armitage as main dwarf Thorin is almos as rugged & handsome as Viggo is!!!!!! IT’S KINDA SORTA REALLY ALMOST TRUE!!! We’d do em both with yours AND ours (we’d also do Aidan Turner, who’s like a dwarfier Ian Somerhalder)!! + Martin Freeman is a beyond perfect Bilbo. He pretty much acts the same as he did as Tim on the original gangster Office, always has, always will, and guess what, that’s juss fine cause Martin Freeman IS THE FCUKING MAN!!!!!!!!! Oh, did we mention that Ian McKellen is reprising his role as Gandalf? Dude, we’d all camp out to watch a trilogy of McKellen as Gandalf taking a dump. Don’t say you wouldn’t cause you would, you sick wizard pooping watching loving fcuker!!!
But isn’t this movie ass long? People who worry about long ass runtimes should not go see movies. You should stick yer iPad up yer a$$ and set the alarm to go off in 3 minutes or whatever your attention span is. Honestly, we knew it was gonna be looong, but we wish it were longer!!!! If you can sit thru 38938883283 hours of Lame of Thrones then you can sit thru almost 3 hours of The Hobbit, cause The Hobbit is 8w82181098213482ehjdb2rgh48dcb4bnnj44838f838f848484848`4h`4ufhnn3e248248248n2dn times better than Lame of Thrizz
And why did they turn this into 3 movies when I’m sure 2 would have been fine? Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to anticipate shitty movies for the next 3 winters or do you want 3 FCUKING HOBBIT MOVIES FOR THE NEXT THREE WINTERS!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????
Now what’s this stuff about 48 frames per second junk? It’s like a normal movie but twice as much stuff in the same amount of seconds! What does that mean, MORE STUFF!!!! Well, what did it look like? It makes everything look really clear (although any bits with motion looked like it was being fast-forwarded on your DVR. it was strange, but maybe things are suppose to be fast and strange in the future of cinema). Oh, so it doesn’t look like a normal movie? Not one you’ve seen before, and since yer eyes and brain aren’t used to it, you might not like it at first, but over 169 minutes you ease into it (like you do with loving dwarfs!!) and the clarity becomes a welcome thing, considering there are so many other 3D and CGI heavy films that are so unclear looking. Ever see Transformers? Sh!t looks so blurry and muddled that our eyes and brain have quit on ever seeing any Transformers movie ever again. + you don’t wanna trust Peter Jackson? OK, maybe you don’t after he post-LOTRed us with the who cares King Kong and the what was that unlovely Lovely Bones, BUT, when it comes to JRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien, in Jackson we trust AND thrust. Spank the lord Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct this cause it woulda been filled with Spanish nymphs with dumb sh!t like hands with eyes and stuff
Verdictgo: Peter Jackson + Tolkien = Breast In Show
Hobbit‘s journey begins with one giant movie at a theater near jews this friday. if you wanna try out the 48fps stuff, here’s a list of US theaters fpsing out
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…
oh, and, never 5get -