The Dark Knight Rises
Catty, Batty & The Bane of Its Own Existence
Official Website | Trailers & MoComments 1
PG-13 | 164 min
One thing is for certain, Christopher Nolan did a wonderful job making a different kind of a super hero movie, and now that it’s all come to a conclusion, we can finally say – thank gawd it’s over, lets move on with our lives, and bring on the reboot!!! If only Kubrick were alive. COULD YOU IMAGINE A KUBRICK BATMAN?!?!?!? we’d settle for a Fincher one
Honesty time – we liked Nolan’s Batman films, but we didn’t outright love them. Sure, the one with Heath Ledger was batsh!t awesome, but remember how it was like 9292828 hours too long? You LOVED these movies, and that’s fine, but his Batmans didn’t look like the way we like our Batman to look. In our book, the 60s Batman TV show is the gold standard of how Batman should look. Tim Burton’s wasn’t perfect, but it looked perfect. The 90s Animated Series put the dark in DARK Knight, cementing the way the Knight should be darkened, 9ever. How could it not, it was drawn on BLACK PAPER!!! Combine those three batty-bestnesses and one could create the ultimate Batman movie. Don’t, but include a brain, and you get something like Nolan’s Batmans
OK, enuff of that, and z-nuff about the final installment of Nolan’s Batman trilogy – The Dark Knight Rises. It’s first hour is fantastic. Its got Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) pissing in mason jars (off screen), and then he meets Catwoman (Anne Hathaway, proving us all wrong), who’s über sexy, and hot, and beautiful, and leathery, and so he decides to stop using his penis for urinating, and start using it for having boners. Boners are awesome, but then some guy named Bane (Tom Hardy) banes capital and not Conrad Bain, and it’s kinda boring, cause there’s nothing to the character of Bane. If you disagree, we dare you to name one memorable thing about Bane, besides having a face thing and his talking is stupid and he lives in a sewer and he’s hard and strong like the boners we got looking at Anne Hathaway in a catsuit. Bane is lame. Why? This is why
yep, he’s like ROTJ Anakin Skywalker, cept we have zero sympathy or interest in him, cause he sucks, and you can’t see his nose, and the nose knows
So Bane does a bunch of sh!t that would seem amazing, like blowing up lots of Gotham and creating Marshall law, but it’s about as exhilarating as a full season of Sammo Hung’s Martial Law. And this crap goes on for ages, and Marion Cotillard is like French and sexy (what a stretch for her), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays good cop, while Matthew Modine plays lame cop, and chameleon Gary Oldman doesn’t chameleonize himself in a role that doesn’t require the talents of such a talented actor, and Morgan Freeman doesn’t marry his granddaughter, and Michael Caine is pennywise and pound foolish, and so on and whatever
The final battle is more whatevs than whatevs.gov.net.tumblr.webs, but then at the very very very very very very end, all is well, and it’s back to awesome, but it is not enuff to make up for being stuck in some Timbuktu well-hole that looks like outtakes of the Golden Child and The Name of The Rose, cause it’s boring and sucks, and doesn’t involve Catwoman taking a shower
OK, enuff of that crap, and on to our #2 complaint of Nolan’s Batmans – why do all Bat-related-mobiles look like vehicles created by blindfolded two-year old children??? WHY??????? THEY LOOK REFARTED!!!! Did you know that Battanks were made out of origami???? WHY?!??!
Burn Notice: we made love to Burn Gorman‘s name back in 2006, and you should today, and always
BURN GORMAN BURN!!!
Verdictgo: this is Nolan. we expect the best, not Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges
Dark Knight sorta rises at a theater near jews
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, and hopefully not Catwoman