[the following contains spoilers, like THIS MOVIE IS UNBEARABLY BORINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. sorry, had to spoil it for you]
Snooze Valsnooze (Hugh Jackman) stole some bread or something so he’s stuck in hard labor jail that’s basically a place where men pull ropes and get rained on. His main adversary is Javsnooze (Russell Crowe), who hates him cause he’s a better Australian singer than he’ll ever be. One day, Snooze Valsnooze escapes and then finds asylum in a church, but then he steals stuff from the church, is caught, but the priest lies for Valsnooze, which makes no sense, unless the priest wanted to sleep with him, but he doesn’t, cause he’s not a small boy [PRIEST JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Then years pass and Snooze Valsnooze now has a new identity and owns some sort of sewing company that employees a comely but really poor Snoozetine (Anne Hathaway), who can’t stop crying cause she has a daughter that she needs to feed, but needs a job to feed her, but she can’t really do her job cause she can’t stop crying, so basically she’s the world’s worst employee. Snoozetine gets fired (SHOCKER), so she sells her hair and her teeth and her body, and sings a song about dreaming and basically dies, then dies. Is this a dream or a nightmare??? Snooze Valsnooze feels bad that she died cause he’s a thief with a heart of gold, and a voice of platinum!!!, so he takes Snoozetine’s daughter Snoozesette (younger version played by Isabelle Allen & older version by Amanda Seyfried), but then Snooze Valsnooze has to run away cause Javsnooze smells his faux sewing ruse, so Snoozesette lands in the hands of Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett (Sacha Baron Cohen & Helena Bonham Carter, the only BRIGHT spot in 9 hours of dark and dreary bllllaaaaaahhhhhhhness), who are like slimy innkeepers who also sing cause the musical play theater play musical said they had to
Anywho, Snooze Valsnooze returns to take his faux kid back from the comic relievers, and he does, and then Valsnooze and Snoozesette get new identities like ‘Boring Valborings’ & ‘Boringsette’, and then hide in some little Hobbit house in a graveyard or something. Then a fake French Revolution happens and that annoying redhead who faux bedded Marylin Monroe (Eddie Redmayne) sees Boringsette walking around Francetown and instantly falls in love with her, but he’s being secretly loved by Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett’s real daughter (Samantha Barks), but her story doesn’t matter, even though she’s hot, and how is it that that annoying redheaded guy has two women who want to bang him?? He’s so lame that even his left hand refuses to beat him off
Anywho, the half-assed revolution begins by the dirty French people throwing furniture into the streets, and then the army shoots all of them, cause the furniture pile is a giant mess. Most of the revolutionaries die (SPANK DAWG, cause it means the movie’s closer to ending), but Boring Valborings saves that annoying redhead cause he knows that he would be a good person to bang his faux daughter Boringsette for eternity. Then he feels ashamed for some reason and disappears, and then Javsnooze reappears and is ashamed or something (mainly cause of his singing voice) so he kills himself, and then Boring Valborings dies, but right before he does, he gets to see Boringsette’s face one last time (see below)
Think that was what the movie was. Wait, WHAT THE FCUK WAS THAT? That story is not even a story, and it’s stretches longer than turning the 310 paged Hobbit book into 3 Hobbit movies. Les Snooze feels like 19 Hobbits. It tastes like boring. It’s so fcuking snoozy. Sure, it’s well made and stuff, but so are guns, and guns kill people. Les Misérables will kill any joy you have in your body. Who wants to see a movie like that, with singing? Only Gaspar Noé’s allowed to do that, without singing. Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!
[disclaim-her – I have never seen the musical on Broadway, and now, never want to, ever. long die Snooze Valsnooze!]
Why didn’t they just turn this gif into a 157 minute movie?
or shoot it in 48fps so it looked even faster than our eyes and brain can handle!!!!
Amanda Seyfried’s eyes > everything > tiramisu
Verdictgo: Next To Zero Dark Merit But All Snoozy Badges
Les Misérables is doling out comas at a theater near jews
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…