Dunkirk
Three Directions, Singular Styles
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

I am all for Christopher Nolan, and yet sometimes I am not.  Sometimes he hits it right, like his prestigious and tricky Prestige (still my personal fav of his). Other times he gets a lil too deceptive and heady, like with Inception.  Sometimes there’s good Battiness, and sometimes bad.  The guy always tries to make stellar work, as seen mos recently with Interstellar, and yet, for some reason, I don’t always look forward to what’s coming up next from him

I love movies.  I love film.  I love 35mm film being projected.  I want 35mm film to survive, and yet when I hear about Nolan pushing to keep it alive, I am somehow turned off by it and him.  Maybe it’s cause he seems so cocky and self-important.  Or thinks he’s the second coming of Stanley Kubrick.  Or maybe it’s cause he has such great hair.  Damn, I wish I had such hair!

Well, after watching his latest, very unpretentious, and mos excellent Dunkirk, I’m ready to let bygones be gone!

YOU DID IT CHRISTOPHER!!!!  You left all the overthinking and overdoing in the present and made very good by going back into the past!!!

Cause in the past, you can’t have buildings fold, or people walking on the ceiling, or Tom Hardy talking like he has 12838383 muzzles on his mouth.  Oh wait, you can!!

Anywho – what a fcuking show!!!  You learn NOTHING about this WWII battle, where English soldiers are practicality marooned on a French beach, while Germans have their way with them, but that’s OK.  I’m sure the actual soldiers on the beach (look how Captainy Kenneth Branagh looks!), and in the sky (oh, that Jack Lowden is a looker!) and in the sea (Mark Rylance, better at acting AND sailing than wearing hats) also had no clue as to what was going on either!!  And how can you better sympathize with your on-screen heroes when you know about as much as they do!  WE KNOW NOTHING!!!!  CEPT HOW RAD THIS MOVIE WAS!!!  AND WHAT INCREDIBLE SOUNDS WE DONE HEARD!!!  (if the movie only wins ONE Oscar, let it be for the sound one that awards achievement in HEXplosions and plane noises)

Juss so darn lucky to not have to fight in a war like these people did

Juss wish we were as lucky as Harry Styles is!  He’s so handsome!!!!  So fcuking fine looking that the ocean starts to ejaculate all over the beach anytime he’s near.  LOOK AT ALL THAT SEA FOAM!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Dunkirk is far from DUMBkirk at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

the 88th Oscars waz a doozy, and a floozy.  here’s what truly won and lost…

Winners

Tracy Morgan IS The Danish Girl (who isn’t)

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Tom Hardy’s wife - Charlotte Riley’s chest

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the calm and coolness that is Mark Ruffalo and his wink

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the return of Ali G  

and how wife Isla Fisher snuck in the costume

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how they let the ‘Sound Editing’ and ‘Sound Mixing’ categories explain themselves with… sound!!!

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Jacob Tremblay has arrived!! (with his parents)

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Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs‘ sexy-smart glasses

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Girl Scout cookies!

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Ashley Graham – is BREAST dressed of the night!

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Losers

any chance of Clueless being celebrated at future Academy Awards.  poor Stacey Dash

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Mad Max‘s costume designer and Oscar winner, Jenny Beavan, can’t dress herself, and no one claps for her

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Sofía Vergara renaming Son of Saul - Son of Saauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul

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white people, Asian people, Hispanic people, Indian people, Native American people.  they all matter, cause every person matters!

this can all be solved by letting Kumail Nanjiani (and white person Kate McKinnon) host next year!

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Zodiac - it was also about journalism too (better than Spotlight), and it’s the best movie of the 21st century, and it still has zero Oscar wins or even nominations

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Mark Rylance‘s hair AND his dumb hat

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all the people who died and got zero love for dying – Abe Vigoda / Dick Van Patten / Anne Meara / Patrick Macnee / Jason Voorhees’ mom / Stand By Me‘s Milo Pressman / Ron Moody (was nominated for an Oscar for fcuks sake) / the guy who played Leaterface / Louis Jourdan / Taylor Negron / Amanda Peterson / Mary Ellen Trainor / Uggie / Mr Deltoid 

(see our ‘In Memoriam’ area for love) 

–

 

better suck next year

The Revenant
Useless S. Grunt
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 156 min

How do you like your Leonardo DiCaprio?

Bearded?

Frozen?

Speaking in Injun talk AND in grunts?

Drooling?

Raped?

well, you get ALL these Leos in Alejandro G. Iñárritu‘s latest zero funfest, that’s more endurance test, than enjoyable movie going  

Yes, welcome to The Revenevavnaveananenanenenananat!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, the backgrounds are beyond beautiful, and the injuns are cool and creepy, and YES, the story is kinda sorta true (which ALWAYS makes a movie instantly more interesting)

but NO to everything else

I mean, the fur trapping and wading in water was kinda cool at the beginning, but that all ends and it pretty much becomes the Tom Hardy is a giant a$$hole show, and you can barely understand what he says, even less than when he was Bane, and he’s being chased by Leo, who is tyring to be less understandable.  So it’s like a revenge pic, an endlessly mumbling one, and you juss keep waiting and waiting for the revenge, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

YES, the beards and snow are wicked cool, but NO thanks to the rest

I mean, I guess if one good thing comes out of the pain and snoring – Leo will finally gets his elusive gold man

Verdictgo: for the scenery only - Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers. for the snoozyery, meeeeeeeehh - Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

The Revenant revs its engine and frozen beards at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mad Max: Fury Road
Beyond BeliefAwesomeDome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 120 min

woah George Miller, WOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You made 3 Mad Max movies that kicked ass 19ever ago, then went soft with pigs and penguins, but then you were like, fcuk it, I’m going back to the well, and I’m going to kick the fcuking ballistics to the nth degree and to the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnth degree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of describing in words what his new AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZINGGGGGGGGGG Mad Max movie is about and what it’s like, we’ll take a page from the movie’s book, and keep the talking to a minimum, and let the pictures do the talking

SHIZ was OUT OF FCUKING CONTROL, from start to finish, and was like this…

all other movies are not movies, cause

THIS IS A MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Beyond Hotttiedome:  I’m down for a post-apoclayptic world, but only if Cheedo the Fragile is my sex slave.  BLESS YOU COURTNEY EATON!!!

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

go Mad for Max at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Dark Knight Rises
Catty, Batty & The Bane of Its Own Existence
Official Website | Trailers & MoComments 1
PG-13 | 164 min

One thing is for certain, Christopher Nolan did a wonderful job making a different kind of a super hero movie, and now that it’s all come to a conclusion, we can finally say – thank gawd it’s over, lets move on with our lives, and bring on the reboot!!!  If only Kubrick were alive.  COULD YOU IMAGINE A KUBRICK BATMAN?!?!?!?  we’d settle for a Fincher one

Honesty time – we liked Nolan’s Batman films, but we didn’t outright love them.  Sure, the one with Heath Ledger was batsh!t awesome, but remember how it was like 9292828 hours too long?  You LOVED these movies, and that’s fine, but his Batmans didn’t look like the way we like our Batman to look.  In our book, the 60s Batman TV show is the gold standard of how Batman should look.  Tim Burton’s wasn’t perfect, but it looked perfect.  The 90s Animated Series put the dark in DARK Knight, cementing the way the Knight should be darkened, 9ever.  How could it not, it was drawn on BLACK PAPER!!!  Combine those three batty-bestnesses and one could create the ultimate Batman movie.  Don’t, but include a brain, and you get something like Nolan’s Batmans

OK, enuff of that, and z-nuff about the final installment of Nolan’s Batman trilogy – The Dark Knight Rises.  It’s first hour is fantastic.  Its got Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) pissing in mason jars (off screen), and then he meets Catwoman (Anne Hathaway, proving us all wrong), who’s über sexy, and hot, and beautiful, and leathery, and so he decides to stop using his penis for urinating, and start using it for having boners.  Boners are awesome, but then some guy named Bane (Tom Hardy) banes capital and not Conrad Bain, and it’s kinda boring, cause there’s nothing to the character of Bane.  If you disagree, we dare you to name one memorable thing about Bane, besides having a face thing and his talking is stupid and he lives in a sewer and he’s hard and strong like the boners we got looking at Anne Hathaway in a catsuit.  Bane is lame.  Why?  This is why

yep, he’s like ROTJ Anakin Skywalker, cept we have zero sympathy or interest in him, cause he sucks, and you can’t see his nose, and the nose knows

So Bane does a bunch of sh!t that would seem amazing, like blowing up lots of Gotham and creating Marshall law, but it’s about as exhilarating as a full season of Sammo Hung’s Martial Law.  And this crap goes on for ages, and Marion Cotillard is like French and sexy (what a stretch for her), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays good cop, while Matthew Modine plays lame cop, and chameleon Gary Oldman doesn’t chameleonize himself in a role that doesn’t require the talents of such a talented actor, and Morgan Freeman doesn’t marry his granddaughter, and Michael Caine is pennywise and pound foolish, and so on and whatever

The final battle is more whatevs than whatevs.gov.net.tumblr.webs, but then at the very very very very very very end, all is well, and it’s back to awesome, but it is not enuff to make up for being stuck in some Timbuktu well-hole that looks like outtakes of the Golden Child and The Name of The Rose, cause it’s boring and sucks, and doesn’t involve Catwoman taking a shower

OK, enuff of that crap, and on to our #2 complaint of Nolan’s Batmans – why do all Bat-related-mobiles look like vehicles created by blindfolded two-year old children???  WHY???????  THEY LOOK REFARTED!!!!  Did you know that Battanks were made out of origami????  WHY?!??!

Burn Notice: we made love to Burn Gorman‘s name back in 2006, and you should today, and always

BURN GORMAN BURN!!!

Verdictgo: this is Nolan.  we expect the best, not Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Dark Knight sorta rises at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, and hopefully not Catwoman