Tag Archives: Leonardo DiCaprio

The Great Gaspy

The Wolf of Wall Street
The Mighty Jordan Belfortification 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 179 min

wold of wall street

 made Goodfellas, arguably one of the greatest films ever made (I say even better than The Godfathers!), then directed a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t as grrrrrrrrrreat, then dropped Casino on us, which was not AS grrrrrrrrrreat great as Goodfellas was is, but what movie really is????, but it was so fcuking RAWesome and so close to being as grrrrrrrrrreat, but then he did a bunch of other movies that were good, but nothing like either of those two grrrrrrrrrreat and almost AS grrrrrrrrrreat masterpieces.  Well, the 18 year wait has paid off with The Wolf of Wall Street, which is not AS grrrrrrrrrreat as Casino, but oh so fcuking close to being so, and oh so fcuking RAWesome in its own right.  Bless you Marty.  BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t know by now, Wolf is the VERY true story of , a small time scheming stockbroker who hit it big, at the expense of his clients.  Then lost it big, at the expense of those who helped him get there.  Jordan lived a life of BEYOND excess, and the film, adapted by  from Belfort’s two books, displays this excess, and is excessive itself – clocking in at 1 minute under 3 hours!!!  And yet, not a single one of those manic, lude-filled minutes is wasted, even if Belfort, in the form of , is wasted for about 96% of the movie  

Earlier this year, we saw DiCaprio live the extravagant life of another Long Island schemer, from another Wall Street friendly era, as the title Jay guy in Baz Luhrmann’s equally spastic The Great Gatsby. He was mainly reserved, with the energy and anger welled up, and his performance was udderly fantastic.  In Wolf, he’s the same guy, cept there’s nothing being reserved.  It’s all out on the table, being snorted, and then some (candle in the butt!!!) – marking DiCaprio’s single greatest performance (and dancing, see gif below) to date, which is some feat considering the list of unforgettable performances he’s handed in (Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Howard Hughes in Marty’s The Aviator, and Mr Hoover in Eastwood’s underpraised/loved J Edgar)

Anywho, DiCaprio aint alone in making this a Scorsese pic score and a must sese.  There’s his right-hand toothy man who does his in-office dirty work –  (this kid can’t fail), his other right-hand man who does his out-of-office dirty work –  (perfect as a meathead muscle), bitchy trophy wife –  (being VERY NSFWlicious), dad  (Rob fcuking Reiner!!!), the wolf hunting FBI agent –  (LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing his face on the big screen), sleazy mentor –  (remember when he wasted his and our time starring in endless crappy movies?), swifty Swiss banker –  (The Artist CAN talk), and every single one of Belforts underlings (with names changed to protect godknows who), and in particular, the bespectacle and bestpect-o-cool 

Wolf is like a third-rate Goodfellas, which means it’s a first rate picture of this year, which means it’s one of the best of 2013.  TEEN WOLF THAT SHIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show Wolf is howls at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Wolf-Leo-Dance-c

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The Baz Age

The Great Gatsby
Old Sport Done Anew.  Are You Game?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

great gatsby

People be acting like they’ve never seen a  movie before, cause Baz Luhrmann Baz Luhrmanned the sh!t out of F Scott’s Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby.  Have a problem with the movie, well look no further than The Great Gatsby source material itself, cause it isn’t necessarily that great, at least when turned into a movie.  It has basically failed every time someone tried doing so.  And if you’ve ever seen the Robert Redford-Mia Farrow 1974 snooze-fest, you know that Gatsby needed a shot of adrenaline, and who better to deliver that shot than Bazzy Baz Luhrmann, who splashes in a hefty dose of pizzazz & confetti (I mean, check out that ’74 snoorer all Bazzzed up in this reduxed trailer ).  Fact – I love Baz Luhrmann.  Fact – I read Gatsby last year and really didn’t think much of it.  Fact – Baz made Gatsby eggzactly how I thought he would.  Fact – if you don’t like Baz Luhrmanned flicks you probably won’t like his Gatsby.  So if you hate things that are fun and awesome, and looks like the party of the year that you wish you could attend, WITH the soundtrack of the year, then don’t see Baz’ Great Gatsby

but that cast.  THAT CAST!!!

 is dashing, old sport, but like AO Scott said about his ‘overdone accent‘, I too ‘wish he would try a performance without one, though

 is not an actor but a deer in headlights, always starring blankly ahead, with a wry smile, but his work is serviceable enuff as our humble narrator Nicky C

Carey Mulligan makes me want to mulligan all over myself again and mulligan and gan.  What Gatsby?  More like how many times did she make my weenie gaspy

 has an edge to his rton, and an awesome mustache + he’s Owen Lars, and his dad Cliegg Lars is in the movie too (although never sharing a screen moment)!!!

 is barely in the movie, but her boobs jiggle enuff to keep her on our mindsz

 was in Zero Dark Thirty as the main black site interrogator, but in this movie he looks like he’s the one getting his a$$ handed to him.  This guy’s good

 is a handsome Indian man

 is a handsome Australian woman who reminds me of Cate Blanchett, in a more flappertastic/faptastic tastic way

gatsby jordan

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gatsby is Baztastic in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

2 Comments

Song of The Southsploitation

Django Unchained
Funslinger
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 165 min

django_unchained

For 9 hours of Quentin Tarantino‘s 9.75 houred Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino hands in the most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie Quentin Tarantino has ever made.  That is a MOST excellent thing.  Then, in that last 45 minutes, Quentin Tarantino fills his most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie with the typical Quentin Tarantino shoot-em up garbage you’d expect Quentin Tarantino to stuff into a Quentin Tarantino movie – guns are fired & blood splatters, endlessly AND ENDLESSLY AND EVEN MORE ENDLESSLLLLLLLLLY.  You know it’s all too much too muchedness when Quentin Tarantino himself appears in the last 45 minutes as a bad actor with an awful Australian accent.  Quentin Tarantino, why did you have to add so much so muchedness at the end of your un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie that was going so well???  WHY?????

Yeah, but that first 77 hours is so much unchained fun and amusement that it almost makes up for the endless end!  ALMOST!!!!  For them 1278772 beginning hours, you basically get to hear Christoph Waltz not be a Nazi and talk 9ever and help Jamie Foxx find his way, and hopefully his wife (Kerry Washington).  They criss-cross the country, hunting bounties, and then land in Candyland, a plantation owned by a super angry Leonardo DiCaprio, who does the same accent he does in every movie that sorta requires an accent, which is kinda the würst accent (it’s like he’s trying tooooo hard), and yet, DiCaprio is kinda the best in this movie.  Actually, everyone’s the best.  Even Samuel L Jackson as an evil Uncle Ben house slave is the best!  And Samuel L hasn’t been the best in ages.  And the cameos, oh the cameos, from the kid from Breaking Away to the original Django to Luke Duke to The Tamblyns to Tom Savini to… a zillion others… although we weren’t really impressed by Don Johnson’s Col Sanders and his blathering blatherskites

But that last 45 minutes.  Bang, bang, bang, bang.  Blood. Splatter. Pause.  Repeat.  Zzzzz.  We get it Quentin Tarantino, but we didn’t have to have it.  Did we?

Btw, this movie is not as shocking as people are making it out to be/wanting it to be, when it comes to that racy race stuff.  The N word is the N word.  Big wup.  I don’t say that word and don’t care to hear it, but I don’t get shocked by hearing it 231812831238 times.  If you want to be shocked about how fcuked up racy race shiz is/was then rent Spike Lee’s Bamboozled

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chain Her Up, In A Sexual Way, Not A Racist Way!!!:

Nichole Galicia

apparently her old name was Nichole Robinson

Django Unchained is UNCHAINED at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

FBI’s Wide Open

J Edgar
Hoover? What? When? Where? And Sometimes Why?
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
R | 137 min

Don’t know what’s wrong with more than 1/2 of the critics who reviewed J Edgar.  Did they even see the same movie we saw?  Was there not enough J Edgar Hoover picking up the dirt (hoovering!) for them?  Did they find the quality Clint Eastwood direction directionless?  Was Leonardo DiCaprio‘s best work since What’s Eating Gilbert Grape not bestiful enuff for their boasteringing, despite the impossible task of playing someone he looks nothing like (which oddly enuff was what made The Aviator crash)?  Was Armie Hammer too handsome for them to clap their hands some?  Was the Dustin Lance Black script too straight without a chaser?  Were they pissed Naomi Watts didn’t give Judi Dench some carpet cleaning?  What’s yer problems, yo???

Seriously folks, J Edgar is a fine fine movie.  It takes a notorious and mysterious figure of 20th century American history and notoriousizeses him, while still keeping his enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a woman’s slip, and entertains us.  What more do you want?  We may not get a complete picture, but how do you make a complete picture of a man who ran a bureau of secrets, with a bureau filled with STILL unknown secrets????  You don’t, and even if this flick had early 90s Oliver Stone written all over it, Stone didn’t make it, and thank dog he didn’t today, cause he’s no longer up to the task, but Clint Eastwood is and he did it and he did it right (heck, there’s not a ton of gangstering goings on, but it’s a zillion times betterer than whatever Public Enemies was).  So, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!  and critics, GET OVER YER YAWNS!!!!!

moral of the story:  we’re totally gay for J Edgar Hoover and this movie about him.  He may have been misguided, but he got the job done, no matter what the costs were, and no matter how much make-up they had to cake onto Leo to make him look like old man Charles Foster Kane (see below below)

Creepy Ship Lollipop: J Edgar Hoover & Shirley Temple, a WTF relationship for the ages

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

J Edgar digs up the good dirt currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

0 Comments

Carbs Rule Everything Around Me

Rock The Bells
Governors Island
August 28th

Bells were rocked at Rock The Bells, and sometimes they weren’t rocked at all, this past Saturday on Shutter Island.  Was it all a 7 layer dream, or was DiCaprio the killa bee on the swarm?????  What are we talkings about?  Dunno.  It was a hazy shade of a summer day out there on that isle, where we stayed awhile and did Coke in the Coke Den

no silly, it was the kind of Coke that you dranks, not that powdery shit you put up your nose that does nothing but keep you up til 6am and makes yer jaw twitch more than that dude’s head in Jacob’s Ladder

check out these other hot photos of Coked up Bells Rockaszzz

Boy oh boyzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!  Slick Rick was slick AND Rick.  KRS-One was like KRS-2.  Rakim paid us in full.  Jedi Mind Tricks didn’t work on us.  THOSE AREN’T THE DROIDS WE WERE LOOKING FOR!!!  Maybe these two were the ones we were looking for…

Lauryn Hill’s set was an absolute mess, but think that had more to do with the fact that she used a live band to support her jams and that band sounded like scooby DOO-DOO POOP POOP.  Very disappointing, but at least she showed up (late), as opposed to snot at all, like she did in MD yesterday (stop making excuses Talib).  No worries dun sun, cause Tribe Called Quest KICKED IT, YES THEY CANS.  No doubtttles they dids!!!!!!!!!!  5ft assasin wit the ruff neck bidness, and then the Clan took to the stage and we all screamed PROTECT YA NECK, cause our necks were so rockings the bells from THEIR AWESOMENESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!  think we’ve now seen em in concert like 5 times and everytime it’s like water for chocolate and a touch of heaven and a touch of mink!!! WU-TANG 5EVAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!  we skipped Snoop cause West Coast is the durst coast and Nate Dogg wasn’t there and we had to escape Stutter Island before the movie got too out of hand

here’s a gross and phillaic and sugar coated image of me and Joe E Tätä Esq for your indigestion…

DINNER OF CHAMPIONS!!!!!!

Perv-e-us-lee on Bells Del Rock:
2008, La Di Da Di We Like To Party Like It’s 1992-1995

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