Thighs Wide Shut

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Frigid War ‘Thriller’
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 127 min

If you were a casting director and said to we, hey, you, if you could pick yer British acting (male) dream team, who’d be on it?  Well, we’d be like, hey, we’ll take Gary Oldman, Ciarán Hinds, Tom Hardy, Benedict Cumberbatch, Stephen Graham, Simon McBurney and throw in Colin Firth, Toby Jones and John Hurt for really good measure (sorry Mark Strong, but yer kinda in too many movies and are kinda annoying in a majority of them).  And then if an art director was like, hey, you, what modern movies that take place in the 70s should we copy for look and style?  Well, we’d be like, hey, totally rip off the look & stylings of Zodiac, Munich and Carlos.  Oh, you mean 3 of the bestest movies of the past ten years, right?  Yes, we do mean those blam-mazing movies that everyone needs to see like 992929 times (even if we haven’t seen em that many times).  Woaaaaaah, a cast like that AND a look & style like thems, could a movie like that be humanly or even robotically possible?  IT IS!!!  It’s Tomas Alfredson‘s (he made the lesser, original Let The Right One In) version of John le Carré‘s Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy!!!!!

OMG, THIS HAS GOT TO BE LIKE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER, RIGHT?  WRONG!!!!!  It’s got the cast, AND THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY AWESOME (esp Oldman as Bill Nighy, and Benedict Cumberbatch, who’d blow minds even if he were playing a mute invisible person!!!), and the look, AND IT’S FORKING DULLTASTIC 70s GORGEOUSITY (apparently yellows & browns = the 70s), but what this movie doesn’t have is much to keep you from the beating drums of dull.  BUT HOW COULD IT BE???  Dunno, but this cold war thriller is juss too dang icy to ever warm up to.  NO WAY!!! Yes way.  Sure, it’s nice to see a spy movie that doesn’t need to resort to endless vroomy car chases and big-o bang-o explosions, but guess what, THIS MOVIE REALLY FRICKIN NEEDED SOME CAR CHASES AND EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!  It’s true.  Believe you we, the plot is not all that thick, even though it makes you think it is, and when the denouement show’s its face, it’s more like denoue-meh

moral of the story:  this ‘spy’ movie needs further TAILORING and TINKERING and SOLDIERING!!!!  shiz needed to be defrosted and did not need Tom Hardy with a crappy wig that made him look like Andy Lameberg with a crappy wig.  great actors acting great in a great looking movie does not equal a great movie.  We really want to see if the old Obi-Wan Kenobi TV version is any less tundra-y.  HOPEFULLY IT HAS LIGHTSABERS AND A DUDE WITH A BUTT FOR A MOUTH!!!

Fairbank-Weather Fan: we’ll pass on Svetlana and get svelt-hotta all over cutie Amanda Fairbank-Hynes!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Tinker aint eggzactly Tailor made this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Warrior
The Pity of Brotherly Hate
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

The trailer looked awful.  It has a British bloke (Tom Hardy) and an Australian mate (Joel Edgerton) doing Baaaaahston accents in a movie that takes place in Pennsylvania.  Nick Nolte is only allowed to yell in maybe 2 or 3 scenes.  It’s about one of the dumbest sports in the world – robot boxing mixed martial arts.  This movie has ‘we don’t want to see it whatsoever‘ tattooed all over it.  Wellllllll, what we juss said can all be found within Warrior, and YET, despite all of that lamefoolery, it is nearly impossible to root against Gavin O’Connor‘s Miracle in a cage.  Give it a fighting chance and you may walk away thinking it’s a winner.  It is, even if it’s as pedestrian as a bunch of pedestrians crossing over a pedestrian crossing.  But who cares what accents Bronson and Uncle Owen are misappropriating? Those guys are awesome!!  And they play brothers!!!  Who have to beat the crap out of each other for money, and honor, and money!!!  And their dad is Nick Nolte!!!!  And Nick Notle is THE BEST!!!!!!  WARRIOR!!!!!!  GRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Hottie By Default: Jennifer Morrison‘s been in stuff before, but we’ve never taken notice, but being the only woman in a movie with nothing but sweaty dudes sweating makes you like mad super hottier than you normally is, cause if she was an un-sweaty woman in a movie filled with sweaty women, we’d probably still not take notice of her.  congrats JM, you are now an official TWS Film Hottie!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers 

Warrior comes out to play at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Inception
Dream On/Off
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

No doubt about it, Christopher Nolan‘s Inception is one slick movie… as long as you don’t spend too much time quarter-pondering about what the frig is goings on, cause there’s a lot, but none of it really matters.  It thinks it’s purty darn smart and crafty, and others seem to think so too (#3 of all time? c’mon Eileen!), but we don’t think so.  It’s like Stutter Island (way to diversify Leo!), where you can enjoy and follow the logic for about an hour and then when the layers keep getting piled on and then peeled back, with rules being changed and added as it sees fit, it becomes a lil too big for its own britches.  Sure, the ending was a tad nifty, if a tad too predictable, but like this past season of Lost, once the switch is flipped and the flip is switched at the end, basically everything that came before it becomes null in void.  So why would Inception require a second viewing if (SPOILER) it’s all a dream, within 1934244 dreams divided by 13 subconscious unconscious confucius confusing fests?????!!!!

The real big mystery is why movies keep letting Ken Watanabe and Marion Cotillard speak in English instead of in their native tongues.  Can’t ever understand a friggin word they sayings, and in a movie where words are all we have to explain the visuals, it’s kinda of important to have the dialog be clear and crisp.  Speaking of the visuals, the folding buildings and the crumbling buildings on the beach and the Joseph Gordon-Levitt walks on walls stuff was totally wicked dope radness, but there wasn’t enuff of it!  We wants movies with 4 hours of non-stop building folding!!!  And the dreams weren’t nearly dreamy enuff, even though Tom Hardy is crazy dreamy (we didn’t love Bronson, but we loved him as Bronson)!  And another thought about Watanabe, if he’s the dude trying take down rival Cillian Murphy‘s energy company, then why would he be directly involved in the mission, cause Murphy would probably know what he looks like!!  But we guess it doesn’t matter when he has protective gunmen in his dreams, and why?  juss BECAUSE!!!  And instead of anyone being pinched to wake up from a dream, apparently you have to be gunned down cause only then will you be able to pass thru the 18th dream state of dreamrulesland!!! Whooopie!

Still, Inception is fun, and original, and it employed Tom Berenger AND Lukas Haas and anytime Haas is in the haaaas, so will we!

No Regrets: apparently the use of Edith Piaf’s ‘Non, je ne regrette rien’ had nothing to do with the casting of Cotillard, who won an Oscar for playing Rice Piaf, AND apparently one piece of the soundtrack is hactually a slowed down version of that song!

Verdictgo: it’s not a thinker like everyone thinks it is, nor is it a stinker so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Inception is extracting itself currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…