Tag Archives: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Bale To The Chief

Vice

The Long Big
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 132 min

What can I say about Vice?  Bale was amazing as Dick Cheney, but the main reason to see it is to see him in that transforming make-up and hair (or lack thereof), and those glasses.  The rest of the movie?  Bleeding liberal wanking, too much winking, too much trying to be an Oliver Stone movie, but basically being The Big Short of Dick Cheney, but coming up short this time in the presentation department.  And what’s the take away, anyways?  Hard to tell, other then I think the Cheneys are a nice family who have politics and practices that may be different from your own.  So what’s the point?  Don’t ask me, I didn’t make the movie, but sat thru it.  Maybe they should have stopped in the middle, with the faux credits.  That was clever.  But the rest of the movie was too clever for its own good, or it thought it was clever and it wasn’t good.  Again, hard to tell

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Vice clamps down currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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No Place Like THIS Home

Winchester
Rifling & Stifling
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 99 min

A long time ago, I was a giant fan of the A&E show – America’s Castles.  One particular episode about ‘California Dreamers’ introduced me to a house that I never ever wanted to call home, but literally haunted me by just knowing about it.  It was the Winchester Mystery House of San Jose, built, and continued to be endlessly built on and on and on and on by rifle heiress Sarah Winchester, until the day she died.  This is no ordinary house.  It has staircases that lead nowhere, and a door that opens to a 2 story drop, and oodles of twists and turns that defy architecture sanity!!  And the very first time I ever visited San Francisco I forced my friend to drive me to this house so we could tour it.  AND IT WAS EVEN MORE AMAZING IN PERSON THAN WHAT I COULD EVER IMAGINE (even if the tour guide we had was more cheerleader than Vincent Price)!!!  The true mystery is how this house isn’t as famous and as visited as Graceland???!!!??!!!

So when they made Winchester – a movie about Sarah and the house, I had to see it – no matter HOW rotten it was rated.  Well, it was totally NOT rotten, but for a movie about a house that is possibly haunted, they were somehow unable to remotely make a scary movie out of it.  They added some BS stories to make it some sort of an actual story, and even with solid performances from both Helen Mirren and Jason Clarke the result was somewhere between ‘they could have done something better‘ and ‘well, how could they have made a better movie than this when there’s really not much to work from besides the house being big and crazy and creepy?‘  And so, the movie is what it is, and what it is is OK, and it at least gets the word out there that this house exists, and that matters cause there’s no place LIKE this home

Verdictgo: high end(?) Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Winchester ‘haunts’ a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Mic’d Down

Pitch Perfect 3
U.S.Oh No
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 94 min

The Pitch Perfect movies have always been barely movies, and the 3rd outing proved to be the barest of the barely movie-like movies of the lot.  It didn’t have to be this way.  They could have made a fun movie with a loose and fun plot, instead of a 90 minute DJ Khaled infomercial.  They and we all know that the best parts are always going to belong to Rebel Wilson‘s Fat Amy, and they try to play that up and then some in this (hopefully) ‘final’ installment of the franchise.  But it’s all for not.  A backstory about her evil dad John Lithgow?  It holds about as much charm and intrigue as Lithgow’s horrible dingo Australian accent.  Look, flying kicks and explosions was a step in the right direction, but the kicks don’t pack much of a wallop, and the explosions all seem like misfires.  Fat Amy has outgrown her sister Bellas, and in turn, outgrown the movie series.  Dump the Bellas and give Fat Amy her own franchise, and make her dad Mel Gibson, or something ‘edgy’ like that

VerdictgoSum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Pitch is far from Perfect, at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Speak Loudly & Carry A Little Cigar

Darkest Hour
Puff, Puff, Pass
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 125 min

How do you like your war movies?  Things that go boom?  Or do you prefer endless talking, in a cloud of endless cigar smoke?  If you prefer the latter, then STEP RIGHT UP to Joe Wright‘s Darkest Hour, which can certainly talk the endless talk, but the movie has zero WALK.  OK, that’s not true – there’s a LOT of walking.  If the Winston Churchill of this movie had a Fitbit on his wrist, he would be so proud by the amount of steps taken by the end of the film 

But would the real Churchill be proud of the performance that Gary Oldman attempts?  LARGE SHOES (and not juss cause Winnie’s overweight), and Oldman can always go larger than life (or shoes), but I didn’t buy it at all.  The whole time watching, me like – is that what Winston Churchill was like?  Some dude in terrible make-up, who’s prone to overracting in order to get Gary his 2nd ever Academy Award nomination???? No thanks  

Also, in this war movie – WHERE’S THE WAR?????  What went on in Dunkirk gets a mention, and when it does, me like – man, I wish I could juss watch Dunkirk instead of this!!! 

Lost in all the blubbery make-up (and the really dumb and cheesy secretary character played by Lily James) are two things I really liked – learning what happened to Neville Chamberlain (a scared looking Ronald Pickup) after he stepped aside for Churchill, and seeing what a restrained Ben Mendelsohn looks like.  He plays King George VI, without much of a stammer, but I loved the performance.  A better acting exercise woulda been to scarp this movie and juss remake The King’s Speech, but with Mendelsohn stuttering instead of Colin Firth.  I mean, they made two Capote movies, and both were great!  They could have named the Mendelsohn one – Gawd Save The Qqqqqqqueeen

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Darkest Hour clocks in today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Gold As Ice

I, Tonya
Blades of Teal
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 121 min

When you catch certain glimpses of Margot Robbie as Tonya Harding in the movie I, Tonya (like the image above), you go, my gosh – she, Tonya!!!!  And then when you sit thru all the other parts of the movie, you keep thinking, this storytelling is a little too slick, and everything is laid on A LOT too thick.  It’s like a wannabe paranoid part of Goodfellas, that also feels like the wannabe GoodfellasAmerican Hustle mixed with the stupidity of the stupid people of Masterminds

But faults aside (like too much of a soundtrack – like for realz, every scene doesn’t need a top 40 hit in it), I liked that they made a movie that sympathizes with Tonya Harding.  But I also liked the 30 for 30: The Price of Gold doc MUCH more, and I suggest you see it over the movie cause the true events themselves were so highly sensationalized to begin with, that a movie sensationalizing the sensation ends up being too much for the senses.  Stick to the facts, and the real deals, with the real players, and the real player haters

Although the acting in the film IS fantastic and worth seeing – especially Allison Janney as Tonya’s ice cold bitch of a mom, and Sebastian Stan as dumb Ned Flanders/Jeff Gilooly‘s mustache, and Paul Walter Hauser eating his way thru whatever he is incredibly doing as Shawn Eckhardt.  Sure, Robbie and Janney are GREAT – but give the Oscar and the buzz to the fat guy!

Go fat guys!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

she Tonya today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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