Tag Archives: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

No Place Like THIS Home

Winchester
Rifling & Stifling
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 99 min

A long time ago, I was a giant fan of the A&E show – America’s Castles.  One particular episode about ‘California Dreamers’ introduced me to a house that I never ever wanted to call home, but literally haunted me by just knowing about it.  It was the Winchester Mystery House of San Jose, built, and continued to be endlessly built on and on and on and on by rifle heiress Sarah Winchester, until the day she died.  This is no ordinary house.  It has staircases that lead nowhere, and a door that opens to a 2 story drop, and oodles of twists and turns that defy architecture sanity!!  And the very first time I ever visited San Francisco I forced my friend to drive me to this house so we could tour it.  AND IT WAS EVEN MORE AMAZING IN PERSON THAN WHAT I COULD EVER IMAGINE (even if the tour guide we had was more cheerleader than Vincent Price)!!!  The true mystery is how this house isn’t as famous and as visited as Graceland???!!!??!!!

So when they made Winchester – a movie about Sarah and the house, I had to see it – no matter HOW rotten it was rated.  Well, it was totally NOT rotten, but for a movie about a house that is possibly haunted, they were somehow unable to remotely make a scary movie out of it.  They added some BS stories to make it some sort of an actual story, and even with solid performances from both Helen Mirren and Jason Clarke the result was somewhere between ‘they could have done something better‘ and ‘well, how could they have made a better movie than this when there’s really not much to work from besides the house being big and crazy and creepy?‘  And so, the movie is what it is, and what it is is OK, and it at least gets the word out there that this house exists, and that matters cause there’s no place LIKE this home

Verdictgo: high end(?) Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Winchester ‘haunts’ a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Mic’d Down

Pitch Perfect 3
U.S.Oh No
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 94 min

The Pitch Perfect movies have always been barely movies, and the 3rd outing proved to be the barest of the barely movie-like movies of the lot.  It didn’t have to be this way.  They could have made a fun movie with a loose and fun plot, instead of a 90 minute DJ Khaled infomercial.  They and we all know that the best parts are always going to belong to Rebel Wilson‘s Fat Amy, and they try to play that up and then some in this (hopefully) ‘final’ installment of the franchise.  But it’s all for not.  A backstory about her evil dad John Lithgow?  It holds about as much charm and intrigue as Lithgow’s horrible dingo Australian accent.  Look, flying kicks and explosions was a step in the right direction, but the kicks don’t pack much of a wallop, and the explosions all seem like misfires.  Fat Amy has outgrown her sister Bellas, and in turn, outgrown the movie series.  Dump the Bellas and give Fat Amy her own franchise, and make her dad Mel Gibson, or something ‘edgy’ like that

VerdictgoSum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Pitch is far from Perfect, at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Speak Loudly & Carry A Little Cigar

Darkest Hour
Puff, Puff, Pass
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 125 min

How do you like your war movies?  Things that go boom?  Or do you prefer endless talking, in a cloud of endless cigar smoke?  If you prefer the latter, then STEP RIGHT UP to Joe Wright‘s Darkest Hour, which can certainly talk the endless talk, but the movie has zero WALK.  OK, that’s not true – there’s a LOT of walking.  If the Winston Churchill of this movie had a Fitbit on his wrist, he would be so proud by the amount of steps taken by the end of the film 

But would the real Churchill be proud of the performance that Gary Oldman attempts?  LARGE SHOES (and not juss cause Winnie’s overweight), and Oldman can always go larger than life (or shoes), but I didn’t buy it at all.  The whole time watching, me like – is that what Winston Churchill was like?  Some dude in terrible make-up, who’s prone to overracting in order to get Gary his 2nd ever Academy Award nomination???? No thanks  

Also, in this war movie – WHERE’S THE WAR?????  What went on in Dunkirk gets a mention, and when it does, me like – man, I wish I could juss watch Dunkirk instead of this!!! 

Lost in all the blubbery make-up (and the really dumb and cheesy secretary character played by Lily James) are two things I really liked – learning what happened to Neville Chamberlain (a scared looking Ronald Pickup) after he stepped aside for Churchill, and seeing what a restrained Ben Mendelsohn looks like.  He plays King George VI, without much of a stammer, but I loved the performance.  A better acting exercise woulda been to scarp this movie and juss remake The King’s Speech, but with Mendelsohn stuttering instead of Colin Firth.  I mean, they made two Capote movies, and both were great!  They could have named the Mendelsohn one – Gawd Save The Qqqqqqqueeen

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Darkest Hour clocks in today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Gold As Ice

I, Tonya
Blades of Teal
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 121 min

When you catch certain glimpses of Margot Robbie as Tonya Harding in the movie I, Tonya (like the image above), you go, my gosh – she, Tonya!!!!  And then when you sit thru all the other parts of the movie, you keep thinking, this storytelling is a little too slick, and everything is laid on A LOT too thick.  It’s like a wannabe paranoid part of Goodfellas, that also feels like the wannabe GoodfellasAmerican Hustle mixed with the stupidity of the stupid people of Masterminds

But faults aside (like too much of a soundtrack – like for realz, every scene doesn’t need a top 40 hit in it), I liked that they made a movie that sympathizes with Tonya Harding.  But I also liked the 30 for 30: The Price of Gold doc MUCH more, and I suggest you see it over the movie cause the true events themselves were so highly sensationalized to begin with, that a movie sensationalizing the sensation ends up being too much for the senses.  Stick to the facts, and the real deals, with the real players, and the real player haters

Although the acting in the film IS fantastic and worth seeing – especially Allison Janney as Tonya’s ice cold bitch of a mom, and Sebastian Stan as dumb Ned Flanders/Jeff Gilooly‘s mustache, and Paul Walter Hauser eating his way thru whatever he is incredibly doing as Shawn Eckhardt.  Sure, Robbie and Janney are GREAT – but give the Oscar and the buzz to the fat guy!

Go fat guys!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

she Tonya today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Gal Gadotting The Eyes

Wonder Woman
Some Kind of Not So Wonderful
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

I was all for Wonder Woman, the character and the actress playing her, but not so much for the Patty Jenkins movie.  lemme explain, in imagery…

there was a land of nothing but ladies and I was all for that.  ZZ Top would be too

but for some reason, all the women had accents like Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky, and it was strange to hear Robin Wright do a Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky imitation 

but it’s all good, cause they descended from Zeus and they tell us their HERstory thru like some pretty cool moving paintings or something

and we follow the growings up of the youngest of this all lady crew – Diana, who’s that super hot Israeli chick from 9 Fast 19 Furious Gal Gadot, and then we’re like ‘Oh, I’ll follow her, wherever she goes!!  Hopefully to like a shower scene!!

but then dreamy Captain Kirk shows up

and when men, and war are introduced, the movie turns into a 1/2 rate version of the first Captain America movie

where our villains are more cookie-cutter than villains made from a cookie cutter

including one that’s like a female version of that 1/2 face dude from Boardwalk Empire (who is the nephew to the other baddie in the movie, Danny Huston)

and these bad peoples are beyond obsessed with gas, but not the funny kind

but before our heroine and her blue-eyed boy friend (he’s a boy, who’s a friend) can fight evil and their gas, she must first hide her sexy costume in the demur WWI-era clothings, so why not a give your fanboy & fangirl audience exactly what they want – a trying on clothing montage!

and then waste more time talking to mustachioed generals (one being David Thewlis, who certainly has rebounded from being in The Island of Dr Moreau), who look like they’re on the cover of Stratego

and then we’re introduced to a set of pointless sidekicks (apologies to actors I truly love, Ewen Bremner & Saïd Taghmaoui, but your characters were cardboard lameness, a breath of hot air, and a waste of everyone’s time – even Wonder Woman’s – she doesn’t need your help!!), including a Native American for no reason (apologies to you Eugene Brave Rock, who I’m sure is a lovely man)

and then it’s like a WWI trench movie, but like the least interesting one you’ve seen

and then there’s more boring stuff that takes like 19292929ever, and then it eventually turns into one giant Zack Snyder bunk-a$$ DC movie, where there’s all this dark darkness stuff, and nothing but destruction, and it sucks a$$$$, and for some reason, our final round bad guy is Sauron from LOTR

and then after all that, the movie is basically over, and I was like, WTF????, was this a movie about Wonder Woman, or like a WWI movie about a bunch of dudes and proto-Nazis, and all of it wasn’t really that interesting, and was actually kinda corny, and didn’t include any shower scenes with Wonder Woman in it???!!!!

Again, I’m all for Wonder Woman, and the actress, but not for this movie.  I know there will be another movie (not including the Justice League one,which looks so retched, I won’t even bother to see it), but can they at least make the next one less manly, less dark, and more showery??? C’mon guys,
this isn’t rocket scientology – it’s a hot chick in a hot outfit, kicking a$$.  Keep it simple, and showery

VerdictgoSum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Woman is not quite Wonderful at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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