Tag Archives: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Jersey Snore

Don Jon 
Off Beat Beat Off 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

don jon

And the most annoying, poorly made debut film by someone we respect, and now don’t fully respect, cause we hated his film so much, film of 2013 is ‘s Don Jon

If you love a movie that revolves around endless internet masturbation (by a character who doesn’t even know how to clear their own browsing history – ZERO REALISM HERE PEOPLES), gratingly AWFUL hammy Joooursey accents (wish I didn’t have ears), endless annoying annoyingness (wish I also didn’t have eyes), that throws away whatever it ‘built’ up in its first 2/3rds for a final third that feels so out place and nothing to do-ish with them first two-thirds that you’ll juss wish this movie were released on any rock from the sun that isn’t the third one

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Love me some Joseph Jason Jordan Gordon-Gerry-Graydon-Levitt-Stein-Berg.  Always felt like he (and James Franco) was to fill the vacuum that Heath Ledger left with his passing.  For the most part, he has come thru, and we relish anything he does, even if it is doo-doo, but Don Juan?  Beyond thunderdome doo-doo.  I wouldn’t wish this film on my würst enemies, and my würst enemies are sports teams from New York and the south, and George Clooney

JG-L plays the title character – a guy who loves the gym, his boyzzz, and picking up sluts, and going to church, and taaaaawwwwwk-ing with horrible Joouuurrrrssssssey accents with his over-acting parents  and .  He also loves his screen sister , but she doesn’t say a word, just plays on her phone and that’s suppose to be funny.  It’s not.  This movie thinks it’s really funny and clever, but it puts the UN in fUNny, and is more like clNEVER

Things get interesting for Jon (but not for us) when  shows up and rocks his world (and destroys our ears with her Joooooororuururusseey accent – that’s worseserererer than everyone else’s).  And then she finds out that he masturbates endlessly, and then awkward funny is suppose to happen, but all that happens is how awkard I felt watching this movie about a guy who beats off.  I beat off.  All men do.  But I don’t want to see a movie about it, especially if it has nothing deep to say about it.  JOing isn’t suppose to be something we think deep about.  It’s actually something we all enjoy doing, but then when the climax happens, it’s best to forget about what juss happened – but sometimes remorse seeks in.  Well, Don Juan is the same, but there’s no climax, and it’s all remorse.  WHY DID WE WATCH THIS???

Later in the movie,  shows up resembling an actual character that we could actually care about, but by the time the focus shifts to her, and away from the other crap that came before it, all wees want is Julianne LESS of anything having to do with this movie

JG-L’s production company is called hitRECord.  He should have hit delete on this whole project

Verdictgo:  Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Donna JOn: if I had to say one nice thing about the movie – I would say that it least it had a lot of hot women in it, like…

Antoinette Kalaj

Antoinette_Kalaj

Don Jon sucks tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Lincoln, That Guy & Those Guys

Lincoln
Fourscore & 148 Years Ago, We All Scored For Equality, Mostly!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 120 min

Steven Spielberg‘s Lincoln 

=

Spielberg’s Amistad

+

strange white man beards

minus

any

moment

but that’s still pretty fcuking good filmmaking if you ask we!!!

AND DANIEL FCUKING DAY LEWIS AS LINCOLN IS ALL DANIEL DAY AND ALL DANIEL NIGHT BESTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

obvi

Tommy Lee Jones will have you jonesing for more Tommy Leeness!!!

Sally Field plows it!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a mustache!

John Hawkes + James Spader + Tim Blake Nelson = hottest/coolest threesome EVERRVEVEVRR (for ending slavery that is!)

Hal Holbrook is still alive!!!

+ we still dont know how to spell or say David Strathaririansiansairn‘s last name!!

but wait, there’s more

more like…

OMG, THAT GUY IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!

‘that guy’s like

DOUG FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS and GALE FROM BREAKING BAD!

 

THE PUSHING DASIES GUY!

 

LANE PRYCE IS RIGHT!

 

BAD NEWS KELLY LEAK!

 

THE SERIOUS MAN!

 

ANIMAL HOUSE’S D-DAY!

 

PRESIDENT LOGAN FROM 24!

 

MILES PAPAZZIAIANNN FROM 24!

 

THAT GUY ON GIRLS WHO HAS TO HAVE SEX WITH LENA DUNHAM!

 

THAT KID WHO PLAYED THAT GAY GUY IN THE STOOPID MOVIE BASED ON A BOOK ABOUT RUNNING WITH SCICICXSSSSORS!

 

THAT REALLY GOOD ACTING GUY FROM IN TREATMENT!

 

THAT KID FROM DARK SHADOWS!

 

THAT GUY FROM THE NEW PLANET OF THE APES!

 

THAT ASSSHOLE GUY WHO HATES BOOKS FROM FRANK AND ROBOT!

 

THAT GUY WHO NARRATED VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA!

 

THAT BLACK GUY!

 

THAT GUY THAT GUY!

 

THAT GUY THAT GUY THAT GUY!

 

&

 

LUKAS HAAS!

VerdictgoJeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Lincoln logs time in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

oh, and MAJOR special love goes out to Spader’s facial hair & weirdness in this movie.  it’s something I tells ya!!  ALMOS worth the price of admission alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Joseph-Willis-Bruce-Levitt-Gordon THE MOVIE

Looper
Top Self
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 118 min

What the frush is a Looper? Oh, you mean a guy from the 2040s who kills dudes sent from the even futurerer future for the sole purpose of getting killed in the past? Got that?  Well, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a looper, and he has big dreams, like retiring and going to France and eating franch fries and franch bread.  But the thing about being a looper is that you eventually have to kill yourself.  Not yourself self, but your future self, in the past.  Killing someone else is one thing, but killing an older future version of yerself in the present is another, especially when he’s so cool and so badass and so Bruce Willis (and NOT so Raven).  And the other thing is when Bruce Willis is future you, he obviously knows the score, and that himself gonna get killed by himself of the past, so he’s gotta be one up on himself, but himself himself of the past is pretty sharp, and NOW WE GOTS OURSELVES A CHESS MATCH BETWEEN THE SAME SELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Got that?

What I just described is the RAWESOME time travelly thinkingerish first act of Rian Johnson‘s fun fun fun 3rd feature film, which follows his overly nutty, overly quirky Brothers Bloom, and his ultra hip ultra noiry ultra cool Brick.  Of course there’s a second act that follows the first one.  It involves a farm, Emily Blunt, and a kid (Pierce Gagnon) who be sorta kinda like the kid in The Tin Drum, without the drum, the child pornography or a mother who eats fish.  As you may or may not know, farms aren’t as cool or as exciting as Bruce Willis squaring off against Levitt Joseph-Gordon, but the farm bits kinda got its own thing going.  Then in act 3, act 2 and act 1 get their acts together [hahahahahahahaha] and it’s like action jackson meets a good M Night Shamalamadingdong movie meets Looper meets evil Mike Seaver meets Emily Blunt trying to sound like a hick, then giving up on sounding like one, then trying to recapture that hick sound, but not really, and it’s kinda mostly all very much so futurepresentsexy cool

what does any of that mean?  LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER!

Oh yeah, and Jeff Daniels is in it, and he didn’t have to be [please note - we love Jeff Daniels]

Thighed Piper: welcome back to the land of hotness Piper Perabo

dude, you get to see her boobs!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Looper goes loop de loop at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Show Me That Smile Scowl Again

I finally figured it out - Joseph-Levitt-Gordon isn’t trying to look like young Bruce Willis in Looper, cause he’s hactually trying to look like angry Kirk Cameron, with a side of skinny giant headed John Travolta!!!!!

oh, and while we’re here, I really wish Kirk Cameron was still as cool as he was when he was super cool

OH, AND I WANT THAT T-SHIRT BAD!!!!!!!!

may have to make one and throw it up on our sto

1 Comment

Javier Dean Morgan & Jeffrey Bardem

Premium Rush
Padded Lock
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 91 min

Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Gordon-Joseph rides bikes, and delivers packages.  One package has to be delivered or some Chinese kid in China will not be able to go on a boat.  Standing in JGLGJ’s way is Michael Shannon‘s strange face and strange talking, and some other crap, like stuff, and things, like this movie.  WHY DIDN’T HE TAKE HIS BIKE AND RUN OVER DANIA RAMIREZ’ ACTING CAREER?!?!?!?!?!?  Dunno, but at least the movie was New York real enuff to spotlight the zany ass street that is Doyers Street in Chinatown!!!

Oh, and this girl‘s eyes wins the prize for best EYES in a Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Gordon-Joseph movie of 2012

 

 

The Possession
The Exor-shvitz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 92 min

So there’s a real life story about an evil Jewish box with a Dybbuk in it that does weird shith to anyone who’s around it.  Watch this thing here for more on that box!!!  An evil Jewish box that does stuff sounds like it would make for a great movie, no?  Especially if you toss in Javier Bardem’s twin brother AND Matisyahu AND Kevin Bacon’s wife to balance out the kosherness AND two girls who are pretty dang good at actings, right????????  Well, it makes for an OK movie (they don’t even follow the real story at all).  It’s not stoopid horror-ibile crap on a stick, but it’s not The Exorcist neither, but we love Javier Bardem’s twin brother SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that we’d watch anything with him in it, even if most of his movies are whatevzzzz, BUT WHEN IS BARDEM MORGAN JAVIER GEOFFFERY GOING TO BE ONE?!?!??!?!?

Verdictgo: both be Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

both flicks are currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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