been seeing less new movies and more old movies, cause old movies rule, but new movies are still good, cause there are so many bad ones that the good ones rise to the top of the toilet.  out of what I saw, I giveth to you, for 2012, the bestest of the bestestesttest…

 

The Nifteen Fifteen

 

1) Zero Dark Thirty

This century has just been awful awful awful, and Kathryn Bigelow & Mark Boal’s second stab at being social studies teachers feels like the perfect closing chapter to all the awfulness.  Awfulness, go away or else I’ll throw a seal team at you and you will be all minus one even darker thirty billion!!!

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2) Searching For Sugar Man

THEY FOUND HIM!!!!  If this story doesn’t warm your heart, then it’s time to donate it.  Seriously, my life AND ears were changed for the better after seeing this doc, cause now I have the music of Rodriguez in ’em.  PLEASE let it do the same for you.  PLEASE,  I BEG OF YOU

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3) Silver Linings Playbook

Never thought much of Bradley Cooper or Katniss Everdeen as actors before, or even the Philadelphia Eagles as anything other than a team that sucks.  It’s OK to be wrong.  WAY WRONG!!!

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4) Beasts of The Southern Wild

MOVIE MAGIC LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HUSHPUPPY FOR BEST ACTRESS/PRESIDENT/SUPER BOWL CHAMPION!!!!

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5) the Sonmi~451 storyline of Cloud Atlas

If only Tykwer & the Wachowski Brothers/Sisters cut out the rest of the Cloud Atlas storylines and made a singular movie out of the ‘Orison of Sonmi~451’ tale, cause it might MIGHT MIGHHHT juss have been the best movie that any of thems had ever made.  I have seen the future and it is smoking hot bobbed Korean clone slaves!!!!!

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6) Prometheus

My only complaint with this movie was having to listen to everyone else’s complaints about this movie.  So what if the guy put in his hand in the goo?  That guy sucked and got what was coming to him.  That should happen to all the haters of this movie.  As for the lovers?  They get to love the movie, and that’s more than enuff, cause this movie is RAD!!!

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7) Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry

China is fcuked up. Ai Weiwei is fcuking awesome

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8) Beware of Mr Baker

More like – be aware of Ginger Baker.  DO IT!!!  Sunshine of his Love AND Hate!!

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9) The Impossible

you see Naomi Watts’ breasts AND it’s not hot AT all.  NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL CINEMA!!!

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10) Robot & Frank

Finally, someone made a movie about Frank Langella becoming friends with an Omnibot 2000!!!!

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11) The Perks of Being a Wallflower

John Hughes is smiling/crying beyond the grave

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12) 21 Jump Street

TV to big screen done right.  Please make 21 more of these peas

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13) Chronicle

The best super hero flick of the year had ZERO to do with Lord Messiah Joss Whedon

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14) Frankenweenie

sometimes Tim Burton is capable of making things that don’t suck

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15) Project X

a different kind of monkeying around movie.  PARTY ON COSTA!!

 

 

and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

(in the reverse order that I saw them…)

This Is 40 (Apatow’s first REALLY funny movie!) / West of Memphis (north of incredible) / Amour (there was no better French old lady slowly decaying movie in 2012!!!) / Wreck-It Ralph (Pixar who?) / The Sessions (sexy unsexy sex!) / Wuthering Heights (haunting, cause we’re still haunted by still not knowing what ‘Wuthering’ means) / Looper (LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER!) / Compliance (dude, Dreama Walker in an apron, and nothing else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) / Step Up Revolution (Peter Gallagher is watching you) / The Queen of Versailles (stinky rich) / Chernobyl Diaries (it was so refarted, and yet here we is, still thinking about it half a year later) / Men In Black 3 (seriously, this movie is so much fun, and sweet, and kinda funny!) / The Dictator (SBC proves he can work with a script) / Trishna (d’Urbervillicous!) / Marley (& me AND you AND everyone we and he knows) / The Three Stooges (OMG, this didn’t suck!!!!!!!!) / Bully (that poor kid with the fish lips) / Michael (hide your kids)

 

our anal-ual movie awards, THE THIGHSMANS, will hit the air-wavvvves right around Oscar time.  so stay pooned!

 until then, here’s the bestest films of yesterhere

2011
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002

2011 didn’t bring us any swans, social networkers, toothy dogs or voids that needed exiting ASAP, but that didn’t stop movies from being released.  we saw a bunch of them, and in our humboldt opinion, here’s the top of the plops…

No Hate’een
On These Eighteen

1) Project Nim

Apes re-rose this year, but it was the real life tale of one displaced pot-smoking chimpanzee who had to battle nature vs nurture vs short-minded humans that truly made a monkey out of us.  After this and Man On Wire, we’re foaming at the mouth and between the thighs to see what’s next in James Marsh‘s beyond goodie bag

2) Certified Copy

What is real, and was is not?  And are they, or are they not???????  Whatever it is and they are, this shiz is Certified blam-mazzin!!!

3) The Adventures of Tintin

Señor Spielbergo shows us what a 4th Indiana Jones could have been (without Georgie Lucas) MAD F$%KING FUN, YO!!!  Also, probably one of the best animated movies of this century.  YES, THIS CENTURY!!!

4) Tabloid

Mormon sex in chains case, the docuMENTALary.  Joyce McKinney would win an Oscar if she wasn’t a real person, so instead she won our ears and hearts 9ever

5) Melancholia

for once, a happy von Trier movie!!!!  and it’s got nude moon-bathing!!!  and Kiefer Sutherland!!!!!

6) The Skin I Live In (La Piel que Habito)

THIS IS NO SKIN THAT ANYONE WOULD WANTS TO LIVE INS!!!! YIKESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7) The Tree of Life

Forget all that beach sense-non at the end, and remember everything else – the dinosaurs, the mother’s pure love, the father’s tough love, and all that running thru the house.  Thanks for the days hours of heaven T-Mal

8) We Need To Talk About Kevin

Parents, don’t let your kids grow up to be archers, but that’s probably inevitable if yer mom is half-amphibian and yer dad is the king of all schlubs

9) The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Another Fincher clincher, but seriously, the Anita Vanger plot hole keeps it from being the greatest movie ever.  not really, but kinda?

10) Shame

Barely a movie, and more like a feeling, a really dirty one, filled with Mulligan showers and Fassbendy shlong dangles.  Gets under yer skin, and makes you want to eyeball screw every woman on the subway

11) Into The Abyss

Werner Herzog goes mos death, penalty, and it’s up to you if the play is fair or foul

12) Meek’s Cutoff

Kelly Reichardt makes really slow and boring modern movies, so when she turned her movie clock back to the dusty & musty ye olde Oregon trail thymes, she struck dysentery gold!!!

13) J Edgar

Anyone who thought The Aviator was good is a giant moron.  Anyone who doesn’t think J Edgar is good, probably thinks The Aviator was good.  This is Leo’s best work since he ate Gilbert’s grapes

14) The People vs George Lucas

This doc sums up everything about our lives, cept for the masturbation, fried chicken, and masturbating with fried chicken parts

15) Drive

Some substance, all style, and that’s just fine, cause of that jacket, and those nightcallings, and them crazy Jews, and that elevator action, and that jacket, again

16) Tyrannosaur

Punch, drunk, hate.  Make a date to watch it, but not with someone you love.

17) The Trip

If Rob & Steve made a movie where all they did was sleep, WE WOULDN’T SLEEP ON IT!!!!!

18) Anonymous

ROLAND EMMERICH MADE A MOVIE THAT WASN’T HORRIBLE!!!!!  IN FACT, IT WAS KINDA F%^KING AWESOMES!!!  IT MAKES SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE LOOK LIKE SHAKESPEARE IS SUCKS!!!!

and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

Abduction (it’s all about the ABS!), Bill Cunningham New York (take a bite out of this little apple!), Bombay Beach (life ISN’T a beach!), The Conspirator (Wilkes Booth truth!), A Dangerous Method (dangerously sexy!!!), The Devil’s Double (doubled our pleasure), Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (ext cloying, but kinda incred moving), Final Destination 5 (3-D done/dumb well), The Help (still makes we want to eat fried chicken), Housemaid (clean up on aisle yikes!!!), (the last 1/4) of Hugo, Jane Eyre (the eyre up there!), Limitless (for once, a watchable DeNiro movie), Midnight In Paris (the clock strikes movie magic!) Moneyball (so money… ball!), Prom (let’s party!), Rise of The Planet of The Apes (bananas!!), Scream 4 (all hale Lucy!!), A Separation (anxiety!), Sleeping Beauty (no penetration!),  Source Code (groundhog’s slays) Submarine (stays afloat and then some!), Super 8 (even if the ending wasn’t so super), Terri (the ultimate pajama jammy jam), Vidal Sassoon: The Movie (what about bobbed???), Warrior (brooding & the beasts)

next up (at some point) is our anal-ual movie awards, but feel free to feel up years past gas in the meanthyme

2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002

Jill Masterson

Shirley Eaton

Tilly Masterson

Tania Mallet

Pussy Galore

Honor Blackman

Bonita

Nadja Regin

Dink

Margaret Nolan