been seeing less new movies and more old movies, cause old movies rule, but new movies are still good, cause there are so many bad ones that the good ones rise to the top of the toilet.  out of what I saw, I giveth to you, for 2012, the bestest of the bestestesttest…

 

The Nifteen Fifteen

 

1) Zero Dark Thirty

This century has just been awful awful awful, and Kathryn Bigelow & Mark Boal’s second stab at being social studies teachers feels like the perfect closing chapter to all the awfulness.  Awfulness, go away or else I’ll throw a seal team at you and you will be all minus one even darker thirty billion!!!

–

2) Searching For Sugar Man

THEY FOUND HIM!!!!  If this story doesn’t warm your heart, then it’s time to donate it.  Seriously, my life AND ears were changed for the better after seeing this doc, cause now I have the music of Rodriguez in ’em.  PLEASE let it do the same for you.  PLEASE,  I BEG OF YOU

–

3) Silver Linings Playbook

Never thought much of Bradley Cooper or Katniss Everdeen as actors before, or even the Philadelphia Eagles as anything other than a team that sucks.  It’s OK to be wrong.  WAY WRONG!!!

–

4) Beasts of The Southern Wild

MOVIE MAGIC LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HUSHPUPPY FOR BEST ACTRESS/PRESIDENT/SUPER BOWL CHAMPION!!!!

–

5) the Sonmi~451 storyline of Cloud Atlas

If only Tykwer & the Wachowski Brothers/Sisters cut out the rest of the Cloud Atlas storylines and made a singular movie out of the ‘Orison of Sonmi~451’ tale, cause it might MIGHT MIGHHHT juss have been the best movie that any of thems had ever made.  I have seen the future and it is smoking hot bobbed Korean clone slaves!!!!!

–

6) Prometheus

My only complaint with this movie was having to listen to everyone else’s complaints about this movie.  So what if the guy put in his hand in the goo?  That guy sucked and got what was coming to him.  That should happen to all the haters of this movie.  As for the lovers?  They get to love the movie, and that’s more than enuff, cause this movie is RAD!!!

–

7) Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry

China is fcuked up. Ai Weiwei is fcuking awesome

–

8) Beware of Mr Baker

More like – be aware of Ginger Baker.  DO IT!!!  Sunshine of his Love AND Hate!!

–

9) The Impossible

you see Naomi Watts’ breasts AND it’s not hot AT all.  NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL CINEMA!!!

–

10) Robot & Frank

Finally, someone made a movie about Frank Langella becoming friends with an Omnibot 2000!!!!

–

11) The Perks of Being a Wallflower

John Hughes is smiling/crying beyond the grave

–

12) 21 Jump Street

TV to big screen done right.  Please make 21 more of these peas

–

13) Chronicle

The best super hero flick of the year had ZERO to do with Lord Messiah Joss Whedon

–

14) Frankenweenie

sometimes Tim Burton is capable of making things that don’t suck

–

15) Project X

a different kind of monkeying around movie.  PARTY ON COSTA!!

 

 

and now for the…

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

(in the reverse order that I saw them…)

This Is 40 (Apatow’s first REALLY funny movie!) / West of Memphis (north of incredible) / Amour (there was no better French old lady slowly decaying movie in 2012!!!) / Wreck-It Ralph (Pixar who?) / The Sessions (sexy unsexy sex!) / Wuthering Heights (haunting, cause we’re still haunted by still not knowing what ‘Wuthering’ means) / Looper (LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER!) / Compliance (dude, Dreama Walker in an apron, and nothing else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) / Step Up Revolution (Peter Gallagher is watching you) / The Queen of Versailles (stinky rich) / Chernobyl Diaries (it was so refarted, and yet here we is, still thinking about it half a year later) / Men In Black 3 (seriously, this movie is so much fun, and sweet, and kinda funny!) / The Dictator (SBC proves he can work with a script) / Trishna (d’Urbervillicous!) / Marley (& me AND you AND everyone we and he knows) / The Three Stooges (OMG, this didn’t suck!!!!!!!!) / Bully (that poor kid with the fish lips) / Michael (hide your kids)

 

our anal-ual movie awards, THE THIGHSMANS, will hit the air-wavvvves right around Oscar time.  so stay pooned!

 until then, here’s the bestest films of yesterhere

2011
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002

Cloud Atlas
Some Cirrus-ious Stuff!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 172 min

Tom Tykwer & the Wachowski Brothers/Sisters took some unfilmable book and made a film out of it.  It’s ambitious, and it’s delicious.  There are 6 stories and they are sorta connected cause they tell us that they are, and cause a bunch of actors are each playing a role (sometimes in dreadful prosthetics & make-up) in all 6 stories.  The sextet doesn’t exactly add up to something monumental and profound, but the sum of its parts are quite sum-thing, and there is nary a dull moment to be found in.  Plus it’s better than Speed Racer!!!

Instead of reviewing it as a whole, we’re gonna review its pieces, in pieces.  PIECE OUT, YO!

Story 1 – Jim Sturgess is Seasick & Sick of Slavery

Easily the weakest of the 6 stories, cause mainly it involves watching Jim Sturgess vomiting on a boat, while his newly found/freed slave pal David Gyasi proves he’s a man just like white people!  Zzzzzz

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

 

Story 2 – Ben Whishaw Is A Repressed Gay Musician

If there was a movie where Ben Whishaw was talking and smoking non-stop, I’d see it 90000 times.  His voice is 2nd to NONE, and his smoking is, I dunno, but sometimes that voice needs to take a rest, and he looks so cool when he smokes!  In this story he’s a gay guy who dreams of being an important composer.  He starts working for some old composer who can’t fully compose anymore cause he’s old.  They work well together until they don’t.  When Ben isn’t composing music, he’s composing totally gay letters to his gay love Sixsmith (James D’Arcy), who gayly reads them.  It’s all totally gay AND straight, and a gay ole time.  It was like watching The Hours, but actually not boring

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

 

Story 3 – Halle Berry Is A Foxy Woodward & Bernstein

It’s the 70s, and you know this cause everything’s mustard or brown colored.  It’s true, cause that’s what movies about the 70s do.  Halle Berry has some hot info from Ben Whishaw’s gay lover that some nuclear power plant is up to no good. The plant is run by Hugh Grant, and lemme tell you, out of all the actors playing 239288 roles in this movie, Hugh Grant does the bestest work, and shows more range in this movie that he has as a fop in 3992929 foppish British rom-coms.  HOLLYWÃœRST – LET HUGH GRANT BE IN EVERYTHING!!  Anywho, the nuclear power plant don’t take kindly to a nosy reporter and sh!t goes down, like attempted murders AND murders!  Keith David is in it, but not David Keith

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

 

Story 4 – Jim Broadbent Flies Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

This is the most pointless story out of the 6, but it’s actually the most funest!  Jim Broadbent is a publisher, and after some stuff happens, including a ghetto Tom Hanks doing ghetto stuff, Broady is sent to an old age home that he can’t get out of.  To make matters worse, he’s constantly being harassed by the old age home’s lady nurse played by Hugo Weaving, thus proving that Hugo Weaving can play an asshole in any sex, color or creed.  Anywho, Jimmy wants to escape and finds other people who want to do the same thing, and that’s kinda that with this, and it’s the funest!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

 

Story 5 – Doona Bae Is A Hot Korean Slave Clone With Bobbed Hair!!!

Dude, Doona Bae needs to be my wife.  She is so hot, as a clone slave with bobbed hair who serves food.  This story is THE creme of the da la soul creme.  It makes me want to creme all over myself.  And it’s the best of the six not just cause there’s bobbed Korean clone slaves serving food, but cause there’s a really cool tale in here and it could work as its own movie, and we wish it was its own movie, cause then there’d be a whole movie of Doona Bae with a bob serving food!  But she doesn’t just serve food.  She’s a clove slave with thoughts AND feelings, and those thoughts and feelings may juss spark a revolution!!!!

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Story 6 – Mad Hanks Beyond Thunderdome

The world has been destroyed and apparently the survivors are either tribesman that are scary or white people who speak jive just like in Airplane!.  No, really.  Tom Hanks speaks jive.  So does Susan Sarandon.  It’s laughable for about 2 minutes, but then it gets kinda interesting when future sexy Halle Berry shows up and needs Hanks’ help to do stuff.  This was one of the more intriguing stories, but one of the ones that we understood the least.  Maybe cause our brain kept wanting to see more of the Korean bobbed beauty!!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

OVERALL Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Atlas maps it up in a theater near jews TODAY!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…