Thighs Wide Shut

Mary Poppins Returns
The Old Disney Razzle Dazzle Made New
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG | 130 min

Everything’s a winner in Mary Poppins Returns, and purists should have no cause for alarm, and everyone else should have cause to see this, cause it’s pure Disney movie magic, in that old fashioned way we knew and STILL love.  Walt would be proud

First and foremost, Emily Blunt stepped into shoes that be so large that they were simply impossible to fill.  So I guess that means she did the impossible, because she made Mary P her own, with a bit of Julie Andrews’ spoonful of sugar, tossed in with a tad of author PL Travers’ bitter toughness.  Blunt’s Mary is, well, blunt.  She doesn’t take no sh!t, but also makes magic out of anything, even sh!t, but not literally sh!t

And the kids are great.  They’re wide-eyed enuff, and one of the kids has super-wide ears!  And the girl’s real name is Pixie Dust or something!

And the kids in the first movie are now grown up, and the perfect path for moving the story forward, in what is the loosest story they could go forward on (they don’t have money and may lose their house!  can anyone help them!).  And you cannot ask for better actors basically doing pointless acting as worrisome siblings than Ben Whishaw and Emily Mortimer.  I wish they were my dad and mum, or brother and sister, or husband and wife, or anything that would make me able to hug them.  I’d give Ben a mustache ride, and Emily any kind of ride she desires

Oh, and super annoying Lin-Manuel Miranda is super annoying (not sure why a guy who lights lamps has to appear in every scene, AND BE SO FCUKING HAPPY), but his super annoyingness actually works for this show-stopping show that does not stop.  He doesn’t stop!  HE WON’T STOP!!  And his pizzaz in the proceedings is infectious!  You’ll want to light lamps!  And imitate him, like…

Oh, and Colin Firth is a good baddie, and Dick Van Dyke and Angela Lansbury are old as fork, but you watch them twinkle and wish that you’ll be as spry and as with it as they are at age 93.  And even thought his character was kinda whatevs.net, it was nice to see David Warner.  I love David Warner.  You probably do too, but just don’t realize it.  And what about Meryl Streep?  How do you think she was??

And the songs?  I don’t remember any of them, but they were really good!  And when mixed with the 2-D animation, I literally felt like a kid again, on a Disney ride with no line, having the time of my life!

Verdictgo: mos def Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Mary pops at a theater near jews and white nationalists today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

A Quiet Place
Shush, Money
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 90 min

Imagine if Jim Halpert took over Schrute Farms, and instead of being so cocky and talky, he had to keep silent (CAUSE LIKE ALIEN BUG THINGS HATE NOISE AND WILL KILL THINGS THAT MAKE NOISE!), and be in a movie you’d expect M. Night Shyamalan to make – and that is what A Quiet Place is!!

Never did I expect a movie directed/co-written/starring John Krasinski to be THIS good.  His directorial debut left much to be desired.  Never saw his follow-up, cause I never thought much of his non-Jim talents.  BOY WAS I WRONG.  I’m sure you were/will be too! 

JIM!!!  FROM THE OFFICE!!!!  AND HIS REAL LIFE WIFE (Emily Blunt) PLAYS HIS WIFE!!  AND THEIR TWO KIDS (who aren’t their real kids) ARE INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG Millicent Simmonds and Noah Jupe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND THAT FARM!!!  

MAD BEETS CORN!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

A Quiet Place can be found at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Looper
Top Self
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 118 min

What the frush is a Looper? Oh, you mean a guy from the 2040s who kills dudes sent from the even futurerer future for the sole purpose of getting killed in the past? Got that?  Well, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a looper, and he has big dreams, like retiring and going to France and eating franch fries and franch bread.  But the thing about being a looper is that you eventually have to kill yourself.  Not yourself self, but your future self, in the past.  Killing someone else is one thing, but killing an older future version of yerself in the present is another, especially when he’s so cool and so badass and so Bruce Willis (and NOT so Raven).  And the other thing is when Bruce Willis is future you, he obviously knows the score, and that himself gonna get killed by himself of the past, so he’s gotta be one up on himself, but himself himself of the past is pretty sharp, and NOW WE GOTS OURSELVES A CHESS MATCH BETWEEN THE SAME SELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Got that?

What I just described is the RAWESOME time travelly thinkingerish first act of Rian Johnson‘s fun fun fun 3rd feature film, which follows his overly nutty, overly quirky Brothers Bloom, and his ultra hip ultra noiry ultra cool Brick.  Of course there’s a second act that follows the first one.  It involves a farm, Emily Blunt, and a kid (Pierce Gagnon) who be sorta kinda like the kid in The Tin Drum, without the drum, the child pornography or a mother who eats fish.  As you may or may not know, farms aren’t as cool or as exciting as Bruce Willis squaring off against Levitt Joseph-Gordon, but the farm bits kinda got its own thing going.  Then in act 3, act 2 and act 1 get their acts together [hahahahahahahaha] and it’s like action jackson meets a good M Night Shamalamadingdong movie meets Looper meets evil Mike Seaver meets Emily Blunt trying to sound like a hick, then giving up on sounding like one, then trying to recapture that hick sound, but not really, and it’s kinda mostly all very much so futurepresentsexy cool

what does any of that mean?  LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER! LOOPER!

Oh yeah, and Jeff Daniels is in it, and he didn’t have to be [please note – we love Jeff Daniels]

Thighed Piper: welcome back to the land of hotness Piper Perabo

dude, you get to see her boobs!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Looper goes loop de loop at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Snow White and The Huntsman
Babes In Woodland
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min

THIS MOVIE IS NOT ABOUT JON HUNTSMAN’S HOT DAUGHTER OR HIS DAD WHO INVENTED THE MCDONALDS CLAMSHELL!!!  That’s already 28282839329393939 strikes against it.  Having Kristen Stewart play Snow White is like having 28283813292323932932 more strikes, and yet, yet, yet, somehow this Snow White movie was like a poor middle class man’s version of The Princess Bride!!!  Sorta.  And Chris Hemsworth‘s beefy beefness beefs up the fun, but not as much as Charlize Theron milking a milky milk bath or her brother Sam Spruell bobbing a man bob or the fact that they somehow shrunk many awesome normal sized actors (Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, Nick Frost, Eddie Marsan, Toby Jones, Johnny Harris, Brian Gleeson) be like tiny sized actors!  Bet Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis was pissed!  Snow White?  More like Snow RIGHT!

Seeking A Friend for The End of the World
Apocalypse Tao
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

Do you like Steve Carell?  Do you like Keira Knightley?  If the answer is yes to both, say yes to this fun little diversion that’s like The 40-Year Old Virgin meets Pride & Prejudice.  Not really, but if you sat thru both of those movies, you can sit thru this one, and you may smile, while the world falls apart, in an amusing way that’s like Atonement meets Dinner for Schmucks.  Not really

Your Sister’s Sister
Oh Brother, Where Art House Thou?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

Lynn Shelton‘s Your Sister’s Sister is about two sisters, Emily Blunt and Rosemarie DeWitt, who go to a cabin in the woods and take turns banging one non-related fellow, Mark Duplass.  Sorta, not really.  It starts off dark and heavy, but somehow that’s all forgotten in about 8 minutes, and for the better, cause the gloom gives way to fun and lots of words, so if you want explosions and car chases, this isn’t you movie.  But then the movie tries to do stuff towards the end, and it’s more implausible than me becoming a vegetarian Cowboys fan who licks swastikas for breakfast.  Sorta

Verdictgo: ALL THREE be Jeepers Worth A Peepers

ALL THREE might be playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Uncle Boonmee Who
Can Recall His Past Lives
(Loong Boonmee Raleuk Chat)
Mumble In The Jungle
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Yes, Apichatpong Weerasethakul‘s Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives is one of the greatesteststest movie titles since 2 Fast 2 Furious, but it is not one of the greatestestesteest movies ever like 2 Fast 2 Furious, despite winning the Palme d’Or at last year’s Cannes and the praises of others who have been singing loud about it. So what’s the big deal? Dunno. Boonmee‘s a spiritual journey, with no real twists or turns or anything resembling what us westerners refer to as a story, juss a lotta lush Thai countryside footage and some interesting stuff that isn’t used nearly enuff… like the catfish that Uncle B might have been in a former life!! Being a catfish doesn’t sound all that interesting, but what if we told you that this particular catfish pleasures women by swimming under their gowns and making them groan??? Yeah, we’d wanna see more of that strange Asian sexual fetish hotness too, but all we get is one scene of fish on fish grime. More like BOO-youu!! Even worser is the under-usage of Uncle B’s long lost son who is now some sorta totally creepy/scary/scary-creepy ghost monkey with glowing red eyes (see pic above/gif below)!!!! No, we do not require an explanation about what the F the ghost monkeys is be, but all we ask is that all the other boring sh#t in this movie get tossed aside so we can have a horror movie about red-eyed ghost monkeys haunting jungles and hunting down people or something!!! LOOK AT THEM EYES!!! They make Jawas look as lame as Wawa employees!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Adjustment Bureau
Fedorable
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Don’t know about you, but we never really cared all that much for Inception and its udder pretty petty nonsense.  Sure, it was a cool-ass looking and feeling movie, but it was a brainy confusing overload, for something that really wasn’t all that brainy or confusing when you actually thought about it.  9 dreams within a dream may sound crazy, but it’s not, cause we say so.  So, if yer like us, and wanted Inception to be leaner, cleaner and simpler, you’ll probably super-enjoy George Nolfi‘s take on Philip K. Dick‘s short story Adjustment Team, cause it’s like all the fun and mystery of Inception, but without all the overdone hullabaloo.  It’s also one of the better K Dick screen treatments, and in general, an all-around delightful little love story between Matt Damon and Emily Blunt.  Wish there were more romantic flicks like this one and less ones like all the other crap that blows smelly farts into theaters every month.  Wish John Slattery could star in something where he didn’t have to wear a fedora.  Wish Anthony Mackie could be my BFF, cause he just looks like such a rad dude, with such a smooth-ass mustache!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Worth A Peepers

Take Me Home Tonight
License To Reheat
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Had little expectations going into the 80s throwback flick Take Me Home Tonight, but came out with nothing but a giant smile plastered on our faceses.  Sure, it’s not anything all that ingenious, but it was neither nor ignoramus either!  It’s like a leaner, cleaner and simpler Hot Tub Time Machine, and it’s actually better too, which isn’t saying much, cause HTTM isn’t really all that good, despite what you think or remember.  In TMHT, Topher Grace does his lovable dork thing he was typecast born to do, Teresa Palmer makes us forget that that actress chick from Twilight exists, Anna Faris does nothing, Chris Pratt is stupid, but in a different way, Demetri Martin is kinda good for like twice, and Dan Fogler proves once again that’s he’s the funniest heavy in comedies.  Dear Hollywurst, please give all of Jack Black’s roles to Fogler.  Dear Dan Fogler’s manager, please get him better movies, but not like Gulliver’s Travels… starring Jack Black.  Oh, and any movie that puts Angie Everhart‘s boobs on display is probably something worth watching, or at least JOing to!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Of Gods And Men
(Des hommes et Des Dieux)
Holy Snoozefest!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In some Muslim country, some priests or monks or something (including Lambert Wilson and Michael Lonsdale) live at a monastery on top of a mountain.  They help the local poor people with medicine, clothing, food, and divine guidance.  Then one day some bad terrorists Muslim dudes come to the area and the priests/monks have to decide whether to flee or stay put.  This conundrum gets discussed over and over for what seems like 29838238 hours before they decide to stay put, cause giving up on the locals and themselves seems like the wrong thing to do.  Well, apparently staying was the wrong thing to do cause the terrorists show up in the end and kill a bunch of the holy men. Yep, we juss ruined the entire movie for ya cause you deserve to be spared from this borefest.  Even after we learned at the end that this was a true story, it didn’t help to turn it into a good true story

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Boonmee and Gods must be crazy, currently in limited release, while Tonight and Bureau are studio fun rocking out at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…