Red Dawn (2012)
Woolite®verines
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

Sorry Dan Bradley, but you are no John Milius.  Sorry Chris Hemsworth, but you are no Patrick Swayze.  Sorry Josh Peck, but you are no Charlie Sheen. Sorry Adrianne Palicki, but you are no Jennifer Grey.  Sorry Isabel Lucas, but you are no Lea Thompson.  Sorry Josh Hutcherson, but you are no C Thomas Howell.  Sorry Connor Cruise, but you are no Darren Dalton (but you are the son of Tom Cruise!) (wait, who’s Darren Dalton?).  Sorry Jeffrey Dean Morgan, but you are no Powers Boothe (BUT WE STILL LOVE YOU!).  Sorry Brett Cullen, but you are no Harry Dean Stanton.  Sorry Chinese North Koreans, but you are no Russians. Sorry Red Dawn 2012, but you are no Red Dawn 1984.  It’s true.  More like it’s false!!!!

Red Dawn 2012, If you were named something else, like Yellow Dawn or Thor & Peta & That Girl From FNL Kick North Korean A$$, well, then maybe you wouldn’t be such a bad movie, cause you really AREN’T a bad movie, but since you’re calling yourself Red Dawn and are ‘trying’ to be a ‘fresh’ new take on the original Red Dawn, comparisons must be made, and plain and simple, there is no comparison.  Your movie may have more explosions, but your movie has zero of the heart & soul (and even scariness) of the original (which still holds up, btw!!!!!).  So what’s the point?

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Food, Folks & Gone: in the original RD, there were some scenes that took place in and around a McDonalds, as seen in the trailer & photos below, but they were cut from the final film, probably maybe because of the San Ysidro McDonald’s massacre that happened in the same year.  strange.  would have love to have seen them commies order a McVodka Flurry and have Patrick Swayze shove it in their faces!!!

Dawn of the meh rises at a theater near jews this Wednesday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Snow White and The Huntsman
Babes In Woodland
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min

THIS MOVIE IS NOT ABOUT JON HUNTSMAN’S HOT DAUGHTER OR HIS DAD WHO INVENTED THE MCDONALDS CLAMSHELL!!!  That’s already 28282839329393939 strikes against it.  Having Kristen Stewart play Snow White is like having 28283813292323932932 more strikes, and yet, yet, yet, somehow this Snow White movie was like a poor middle class man’s version of The Princess Bride!!!  Sorta.  And Chris Hemsworth‘s beefy beefness beefs up the fun, but not as much as Charlize Theron milking a milky milk bath or her brother Sam Spruell bobbing a man bob or the fact that they somehow shrunk many awesome normal sized actors (Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, Nick Frost, Eddie Marsan, Toby Jones, Johnny Harris, Brian Gleeson) be like tiny sized actors!  Bet Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis was pissed!  Snow White?  More like Snow RIGHT!

Seeking A Friend for The End of the World
Apocalypse Tao
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

Do you like Steve Carell?  Do you like Keira Knightley?  If the answer is yes to both, say yes to this fun little diversion that’s like The 40-Year Old Virgin meets Pride & Prejudice.  Not really, but if you sat thru both of those movies, you can sit thru this one, and you may smile, while the world falls apart, in an amusing way that’s like Atonement meets Dinner for Schmucks.  Not really

Your Sister’s Sister
Oh Brother, Where Art House Thou?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

Lynn Shelton‘s Your Sister’s Sister is about two sisters, Emily Blunt and Rosemarie DeWitt, who go to a cabin in the woods and take turns banging one non-related fellow, Mark Duplass.  Sorta, not really.  It starts off dark and heavy, but somehow that’s all forgotten in about 8 minutes, and for the better, cause the gloom gives way to fun and lots of words, so if you want explosions and car chases, this isn’t you movie.  But then the movie tries to do stuff towards the end, and it’s more implausible than me becoming a vegetarian Cowboys fan who licks swastikas for breakfast.  Sorta

Verdictgo: ALL THREE be Jeepers Worth A Peepers

ALL THREE might be playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Thor
Thunder Claps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

Kenneth Branagh‘s Thor was some pretty darn decent superhero fun.  T’was also unexpectedly mighty funnier than The Mini Page‘s Mighty Funny Mini Jokes (…who doesn’t love fish outta water situations)!!!  And even though 1/2 of the flick takes place in a CGI eyesore in the sky (glad we didn’t see it in 3-D), everything we liked about Thor took place there (no thanks on the earthbound Natalie Portman, Stellan Skarsgård and Kat Dennings pointlessnessness).  It’s also the paramount reason why this one feels different from all the other recent caped crusader pics – it has real mythology behind it, not juss mortal madness.  And when yer playing with Gods (and monsters), you get to unleash the hammiest ham acting this side of an an Orson Welles’ performance.  Anthony Hopkins (as papa Odin), Chris Hemsworth (our titular please do hurt them hammerer) and Tom Hiddleston (the mischievous Loki) all overdo it, but in a good good good way.  The Clash of The Titans aimed for the same ham heights, but the ham they produced was more un-Kosher than… ham

Choosy Men Choose Sif: Jaimie Alexander plays Thor’s gal pal Sif, and we’re choosy, but we choose Sif!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Thor is currently hammering it home at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

btw, Thor is NOT a homo