Mary Poppins Returns
The Old Disney Razzle Dazzle Made New
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG | 130 min

Everything’s a winner in Mary Poppins Returns, and purists should have no cause for alarm, and everyone else should have cause to see this, cause it’s pure Disney movie magic, in that old fashioned way we knew and STILL love.  Walt would be proud

First and foremost, Emily Blunt stepped into shoes that be so large that they were simply impossible to fill.  So I guess that means she did the impossible, because she made Mary P her own, with a bit of Julie Andrews’ spoonful of sugar, tossed in with a tad of author PL Travers’ bitter toughness.  Blunt’s Mary is, well, blunt.  She doesn’t take no sh!t, but also makes magic out of anything, even sh!t, but not literally sh!t

And the kids are great.  They’re wide-eyed enuff, and one of the kids has super-wide ears!  And the girl’s real name is Pixie Dust or something!

And the kids in the first movie are now grown up, and the perfect path for moving the story forward, in what is the loosest story they could go forward on (they don’t have money and may lose their house!  can anyone help them!).  And you cannot ask for better actors basically doing pointless acting as worrisome siblings than Ben Whishaw and Emily Mortimer.  I wish they were my dad and mum, or brother and sister, or husband and wife, or anything that would make me able to hug them.  I’d give Ben a mustache ride, and Emily any kind of ride she desires

Oh, and super annoying Lin-Manuel Miranda is super annoying (not sure why a guy who lights lamps has to appear in every scene, AND BE SO FCUKING HAPPY), but his super annoyingness actually works for this show-stopping show that does not stop.  He doesn’t stop!  HE WON’T STOP!!  And his pizzaz in the proceedings is infectious!  You’ll want to light lamps!  And imitate him, like…

Oh, and Colin Firth is a good baddie, and Dick Van Dyke and Angela Lansbury are old as fork, but you watch them twinkle and wish that you’ll be as spry and as with it as they are at age 93.  And even thought his character was kinda whatevs.net, it was nice to see David Warner.  I love David Warner.  You probably do too, but just don’t realize it.  And what about Meryl Streep?  How do you think she was??

And the songs?  I don’t remember any of them, but they were really good!  And when mixed with the 2-D animation, I literally felt like a kid again, on a Disney ride with no line, having the time of my life!

Verdictgo: mos def Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Mary pops at a theater near jews and white nationalists today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Lobster
Super Hurry Animals
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

In a sorta near future, if you aren’t paired up with a significant other, you will be turned into an animal – of your choice, naturally.  Mustached Colin Farrell was recently dumped by his wife and so he needs to partner up, or animal on out for the rest of his life.  He goes to this seaside hotel run by Olivia Colman (still one of the best actresses no one knows), which helps to pair off people, or turn them into animals.  But the time to do so is limited.  If Colin doesn’t find a mate in 45 days or less, he will became a lobster (hence the film’s title).  His brother is already a dog (ever wonder why there are so many dogs??), and he brings him along on this last ditch human effort.  Others have to go thru the same drill, including some really dour and desperate souls like Ashley Jensen, Ben Whishaw, John C Reilly, and the adorable Jessica Barden

The hotel is an oddball pacifying paradise – like The Village from The Prisoner, with forever overcast skies.  Within its doors, they stage awkward dances and even more awkward demonstrations, trying to get these folks to couple up – and offer plenty of outdoor activities too, including hunting those who have failed and escaped the grounds.  If you hunt and kill one of these escapee loners, you get bonus days to stick around.  If you don’t, the clock continues to tick, and pretty soon your days as a Homo sapien are numbered

And so after awhile, after Colin has tried and tried and tried, and failed (the heartless Angeliki Papoulia provided no help), he decides he doesn’t want to be a lobster, and he flees for the woods, and taken in by loners Léa Seydoux and Rachel Weisz.  But a (un)funny thing happens on the way to being lonely – he falls for Weisz, and she for him, and that’s not suppose to happen, and even more things happen from there, and there you go

For the first 30 or so minutes of Yorgos Lanthimos first English language feature, when we’re in that wonderous hotel, I thought The Lobster was itching its way to being the kinda movie I endless love and never shut up about.  It had happened once before with Lanthimos’ Dogtooth, which is one of the mos fcuked up flicks I’ve seen this century, but as The Lobster claws its way outside of that hotel, something got a little lost in translation, and became a little long in the tooth, but I’ll excuse it, cause The Lobster is unique and imaginative, and often fun, and always keeps you on your toes, and that can’t be said of a lot of movies that come out today.  I give it bonus points for being different, and it doesn’t even really have to try – it juss is different

These lonely love seekers aint no superheroes – they’re super-zeroes, and I’d rather count on them and their sad weirdness, than the good guys saving the cinematic day.  MARVEL OVER THAT, YO!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Lobster shacks it up currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Skyfall
M Mmmmm Good
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

BOND IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN HIS BESTEST ADVENTURE YET!  Not really, cause no Bond movie can complete with Bond getting married AND curling, but hey, Bond flick #23 – Skyfall aint no Quantum of Whateverness, but then again it aint no Casino Royal with cheese, but then again then again then again then again

So what is Skyfall?  Skyfall istelf is actually a something, a something we won’t spoil for you, but it hactually holds meaning, instead of being a something stupid like whatever the Quantum of Solange was is.  Oh, you want to know?  OK, Skyfall is the nickname of M/Judi Dench‘s cavernous vagina

No, but seriously, Skyfall the movie (not Skyfall the person/place or thing) is one of the more straightforward Bond flicks of recent memory.  There’s no needless & endless razzle dazzle, juss a much more simplistic, linear story that goes from point A to point B without being point-less.  Bond flicks these here days have to compete with the frantic Bourne series, but Sam Mendes & co decided not to go all Bourne again, and instead went with more of a Christopher Nolan – Batman route, exploring more of the personal side of Jamesly Bond and those who support him.  M is like Alfred, and Skyfall is like… !??#??#!???

If you’ve been dying for a Bond flick to take place mainly on the British Isles, well then, Skyfall is the Bond you have always been waiting for!  Sure, there are other locales – the opening Istanbul stuff with roof radness taken straight from Taken 2 + some Blade Runnery video buildings in Shanghai + some sultry, well-lit, well-lanterned, well-bobbed casino action in Macau + some Chernobyl-like deserted island, but this Bond and this Bond film works its mojo very mojoly back on home turf!!  Above ground, underground, in and around the actual Underground, MI6, MI7, and much moors!!  That spelling is on purpose, but we can’t tell you much MOORS than that.  SKYFALL!!! ROSEBUD!!!

So, how’s Bond he-self?  Daniel Craig is smooth sailing in his 3rd outting.  He’s gruff, he’s tough, and he can deliver the cheesy one-liners with a smirk and not look like a total jerk.  He’s a great Bond.  We loves him.  Who cares if he’s 4 foot tall

So, how’s the bad guy and his schemes?  Javier Bardem as Silva is super blonde and super gay and super strange and super great.  Of course he is, he’s Javier Bardem.  As for his character, he’s interesting, but not eggzactly fascinating.  Bardem does his best with him, but he’s mainly juss some guy who looks like a muppet with blonde eyebrows who hates Judi Dench, and who would hate Judi Dench?  WHO??!?!?!?

So, what about the Bond girls?  You already met them, but you don’t know anything about them besides them being sexy playthings for Bond to gawk at and sometimes touch.  There’s secret agent/secret hotness Naomie Harris, who everyone fell for in 28 Days Later, but really hasn’t made much of a mark since then.  She’s on team Bond, and she bonds with Bond, and Gold Bonds his balls.  Sorta, not really, but she’s cool and they HINTTTTTTTTT at her sticking around in the future, which is great, cause I said so.  As for an actual main Bond girl gal, the part French, part Khmer-Chinese exotic hotty Bérénice Marlohe sultrysizes up the screen in her brief, but steamy screen time.  There’s not much for her to do here besides give pissed off looks with her mouth, but we do sorta get to see her shower!  SORTA!!

So, what about the other people?  There’s Ralph Fiennes, who always plays a smug a$$hole in movies, and here he plays a smug a$$hole, but maybe he’s a smug a$$hole with a secret nice side!  Anywho, he doesn’t do much cept doubt Dame Judi, but maybe he secretly wants to sky fall into her Skyfall vagina.  Then there’s Albert Finney.  All we will tell you about him is that he’s in this movie, and bearded, and he still has the greatest blowhardy voice in acting.  I hope he never dies.  He will, but maybe he can DIE ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!  And then there’s the new Q - Ben Whishaw, who has the greatest voice in acting, period!  exclamation point!   HOW CAN WE HAVE SEX WITH HIS VOICE!!!!  So, one would think that Q would pop up for like ten seconds to give Bond 10 gadgets and then disappear til the next movie, BUT THAT’S NOT THE CASE!!!  This movie has more Q & M and Ps & Qs and A&P & A&W action than all the other Bond movies combined!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe!!!!!

So, what are you waiting for to sky fall into Dame Judi Dench’s cavernous skyfall vagina???  You never know if you’ll get the chance to do so EVER again!!!!!

oh, and upon further reflection – the Adele theme song is fcuking fantastic, although the opening title sequence was 1/2 rad, and 1/2 bad

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Skyfall LANDS in a theater near jews this Friday!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

yep, a new Bond movie (Skyfall) = a new set of Bond girls to fap to!

Eve

Naomie Harris

Sévérine

Bérénice Marlohe

Clair Dowar MP

Helen McCrory

Vanessa (M’s Assistant)

Elize du Toit

Bond’s Beach Lover

Tonia Sotiropoulou

Floating Dragon Cashier

Yennis Cheung

M’s Inquiry Assistant

Dominique Anne Jones

Commuter (uncredited)

Amber Elizabeth

London Whitehall Commuter (uncredited)

Senem Temiz

(uncredited)

Nichola Fynn

Silva

Javier Bardem

Q

Ben Whishaw

Cloud Atlas
Some Cirrus-ious Stuff!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 172 min

Tom Tykwer & the Wachowski Brothers/Sisters took some unfilmable book and made a film out of it.  It’s ambitious, and it’s delicious.  There are 6 stories and they are sorta connected cause they tell us that they are, and cause a bunch of actors are each playing a role (sometimes in dreadful prosthetics & make-up) in all 6 stories.  The sextet doesn’t exactly add up to something monumental and profound, but the sum of its parts are quite sum-thing, and there is nary a dull moment to be found in.  Plus it’s better than Speed Racer!!!

Instead of reviewing it as a whole, we’re gonna review its pieces, in pieces.  PIECE OUT, YO!

Story 1 – Jim Sturgess is Seasick & Sick of Slavery

Easily the weakest of the 6 stories, cause mainly it involves watching Jim Sturgess vomiting on a boat, while his newly found/freed slave pal David Gyasi proves he’s a man just like white people!  Zzzzzz

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Story 2 – Ben Whishaw Is A Repressed Gay Musician

If there was a movie where Ben Whishaw was talking and smoking non-stop, I’d see it 90000 times.  His voice is 2nd to NONE, and his smoking is, I dunno, but sometimes that voice needs to take a rest, and he looks so cool when he smokes!  In this story he’s a gay guy who dreams of being an important composer.  He starts working for some old composer who can’t fully compose anymore cause he’s old.  They work well together until they don’t.  When Ben isn’t composing music, he’s composing totally gay letters to his gay love Sixsmith (James D’Arcy), who gayly reads them.  It’s all totally gay AND straight, and a gay ole time.  It was like watching The Hours, but actually not boring

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Story 3 – Halle Berry Is A Foxy Woodward & Bernstein

It’s the 70s, and you know this cause everything’s mustard or brown colored.  It’s true, cause that’s what movies about the 70s do.  Halle Berry has some hot info from Ben Whishaw’s gay lover that some nuclear power plant is up to no good. The plant is run by Hugh Grant, and lemme tell you, out of all the actors playing 239288 roles in this movie, Hugh Grant does the bestest work, and shows more range in this movie that he has as a fop in 3992929 foppish British rom-coms.  HOLLYWÃœRST – LET HUGH GRANT BE IN EVERYTHING!!  Anywho, the nuclear power plant don’t take kindly to a nosy reporter and sh!t goes down, like attempted murders AND murders!  Keith David is in it, but not David Keith

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Story 4 – Jim Broadbent Flies Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

This is the most pointless story out of the 6, but it’s actually the most funest!  Jim Broadbent is a publisher, and after some stuff happens, including a ghetto Tom Hanks doing ghetto stuff, Broady is sent to an old age home that he can’t get out of.  To make matters worse, he’s constantly being harassed by the old age home’s lady nurse played by Hugo Weaving, thus proving that Hugo Weaving can play an asshole in any sex, color or creed.  Anywho, Jimmy wants to escape and finds other people who want to do the same thing, and that’s kinda that with this, and it’s the funest!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Story 5 – Doona Bae Is A Hot Korean Slave Clone With Bobbed Hair!!!

Dude, Doona Bae needs to be my wife.  She is so hot, as a clone slave with bobbed hair who serves food.  This story is THE creme of the da la soul creme.  It makes me want to creme all over myself.  And it’s the best of the six not just cause there’s bobbed Korean clone slaves serving food, but cause there’s a really cool tale in here and it could work as its own movie, and we wish it was its own movie, cause then there’d be a whole movie of Doona Bae with a bob serving food!  But she doesn’t just serve food.  She’s a clove slave with thoughts AND feelings, and those thoughts and feelings may juss spark a revolution!!!!

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Story 6 – Mad Hanks Beyond Thunderdome

The world has been destroyed and apparently the survivors are either tribesman that are scary or white people who speak jive just like in Airplane!.  No, really.  Tom Hanks speaks jive.  So does Susan Sarandon.  It’s laughable for about 2 minutes, but then it gets kinda interesting when future sexy Halle Berry shows up and needs Hanks’ help to do stuff.  This was one of the more intriguing stories, but one of the ones that we understood the least.  Maybe cause our brain kept wanting to see more of the Korean bobbed beauty!!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

OVERALL Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Atlas maps it up in a theater near jews TODAY!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…