Mary Poppins Returns
The Old Disney Razzle Dazzle Made New
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG | 130 min

Everything’s a winner in Mary Poppins Returns, and purists should have no cause for alarm, and everyone else should have cause to see this, cause it’s pure Disney movie magic, in that old fashioned way we knew and STILL love.  Walt would be proud

First and foremost, Emily Blunt stepped into shoes that be so large that they were simply impossible to fill.  So I guess that means she did the impossible, because she made Mary P her own, with a bit of Julie Andrews’ spoonful of sugar, tossed in with a tad of author PL Travers’ bitter toughness.  Blunt’s Mary is, well, blunt.  She doesn’t take no sh!t, but also makes magic out of anything, even sh!t, but not literally sh!t

And the kids are great.  They’re wide-eyed enuff, and one of the kids has super-wide ears!  And the girl’s real name is Pixie Dust or something!

And the kids in the first movie are now grown up, and the perfect path for moving the story forward, in what is the loosest story they could go forward on (they don’t have money and may lose their house!  can anyone help them!).  And you cannot ask for better actors basically doing pointless acting as worrisome siblings than Ben Whishaw and Emily Mortimer.  I wish they were my dad and mum, or brother and sister, or husband and wife, or anything that would make me able to hug them.  I’d give Ben a mustache ride, and Emily any kind of ride she desires

Oh, and super annoying Lin-Manuel Miranda is super annoying (not sure why a guy who lights lamps has to appear in every scene, AND BE SO FCUKING HAPPY), but his super annoyingness actually works for this show-stopping show that does not stop.  He doesn’t stop!  HE WON’T STOP!!  And his pizzaz in the proceedings is infectious!  You’ll want to light lamps!  And imitate him, like…

Oh, and Colin Firth is a good baddie, and Dick Van Dyke and Angela Lansbury are old as fork, but you watch them twinkle and wish that you’ll be as spry and as with it as they are at age 93.  And even thought his character was kinda whatevs.net, it was nice to see David Warner.  I love David Warner.  You probably do too, but just don’t realize it.  And what about Meryl Streep?  How do you think she was??

And the songs?  I don’t remember any of them, but they were really good!  And when mixed with the 2-D animation, I literally felt like a kid again, on a Disney ride with no line, having the time of my life!

Verdictgo: mos def Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Mary pops at a theater near jews and white nationalists today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Black Death
Plagued Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Off the top of our heads, we don’t recall there being any great ‘plague’ movies, or recall ANY ‘plague’ movies for that splatter, unless you count Lisbeth Salander’s guy Thursday Plague in the Girl Who Tortured Guys Cause She Was Tortured book/movie series.  Well, why aren’t there?  That dang mid-14th century black death pandemic wiped out anywhere from 1 to 2/3rds of Europe’s peoples!!!  Eat that Holocaust (we can say things like that cause we’re Jewishish)!!!  OK, so maybe watching people vomit and make terrible O faces doesn’t scream movie entertainment, but have you seen what’s been passing as movie entertainment these days???

Anywho, director Christopher Smith and writer Dario Poloni‘s cinematic slice of strife during that period with the same name, Black Death, does a purty good job of blending a little bit o’ history and a lot o’ bit of medieval mystery.  We got a wet behind the ear monk (freckle-juiced Eddie Redmayne), who’s devout to his God and superiors (David Warner, who’s looking mighty old), but also to his lady in waiting (the gorgeously adorable Kimberley Nixon.  see way below fo mo!).  And if you know stuff about monks, you know they aint suppose to be getting it on with chicks, unless they’s Art Monk. ART MONK RULESSSS!!!!!!!!!

So the monastery area is getting all black deathy and stuff, and his biznatch decides that it’s time to leave for safer ground, but he’s conflicted and waits for a sign before taking off.  That sign is Sean Bean.  Wait, you mean to tell me that Sean Bean is in a movie where he has a beard, long hair and wields a sword?  Yes, we do, and there aint nuttin wrong with Boromir being Boromir over and over again cause Boromir is never boring-mir!!!  So Beansy and some of his nasty looking mercenary cronies (John Lynch, Andy Nyman, Johnny Harris, Emun Elliott, etc) are on a quest to go to some village in the outerlands that apparently has been spared the plague!!!  SOUNDS INTERESTING!!!  And it is, so the monk sez he’ll join the party and show them the way, and also try to meet up with his honey bunny in the woods, so they can maybe hump like bunnies!!

The journey to the village is like whatevs and not all that notable, but once they finally get there, the time spent there got us thinking that this could be the second coming of the bestness that is The Wicker Man (not the Nic Cage version, although that version is not as awful as you think it is), and it sorta is!!!!  There’s so much MYSTERY as to what’s going on in this village, and what happened to the monk’s sweetie baby honey bunch, and what the deal with town hottie Carice van Houten is, and why she’s so powerful, and like so hot, but luckily for her, none of her doings lead to having poop dumped all over her [NSFW, see bottom row pics for poo]!!  Sweet!!!  And some crazy sh%t goes down (not telling!), and when that’s over, the movie should have ended, but then it goes on, for no good reason, and taking a cue from their mistake, we will stop this review… now!

She Is Not A Crook, Cause She Is So FLY!!! : we were all over Carey Mulligan before anyone, and we were with Kimberley Nixon too, 2 years ago, but she hasn’t exploded movie-wise yet, and that’s a shame! and why can’t America get her Cherrybomb movie, co-starring Ron Weasley & that awesome curly haired dude from Misfits, on DVD yet??? stop keeping this hotness from our shores DVD gods and monsters!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Death semi-defies in NY/LA/MN? this Friday & elsewhere elsewhen, BUT is already available on-demand!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

for yer conjizzeration:

Cindy Morgan

how much for her to sign our junk?

play the fake game from Tron!

together at last, again?

she gets a Life

Tron and Yori Deleted Love Scene [SFW]

doin it from morning til noonan! [NSFW]

perv-iously:

Tron Weasley

Thinking Outside The Boxleitner