Zero Dark Thirty
OBL STK MIA DOA A-OK GO USA!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 157 min

Dude, do you remember how intense and thrilling and awesome Kathryn Bigelow & Mark Boal‘s Hurt Locker is was????  Well guess what, Biges and Boals did one better on collab numero 2, basically telling Homeland and Argo to argofuckthemselves.  Zero Dark Thirty is like watching one of those Bourne movies, cept what’s going on REALLY HAPPENED and what we’re being shown seems really really fcuking real.  FO REALS!!! not faux reels!!!

So what is Zero Dark Thirty?  It’s 2 minus 2, the opposite of day + 30.  BAM!  C’mon, you know what this is about – it’s a summarization of failing for ages to find Osama bin Laden, and then maybe finding him, and then deciding whether that maybe is close enuff to a certainty as humanly possible, before pulling the final trigger… on pulling the trigger on OBL.  It’s frustrating, and more frustrating, and even more frustrating, but then it gets exciting and even more exciting, and even more more exciting, and then we’re back in the Bigelow-Boal thrill ride where yer heart’s a pounding and yer palms are a sweating, even though you know that OBL aint living past the end credits.  SPOILER ALERT – OBL dies.  But how did we get to that point?  THAT’S WHAT THIS MOVIE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And it’s incredible!!!!!!!!!!!!

So when Bigs was making this movie, she was probably like, I want to have someone awesome like Jodie Foster to play my Clarice Starling darling character, so she got herself Jessica Chastain.  PERFECT!  Then she was like, we need a bunch of random actors that are good, but not huge names, to help Chasty out, and she was like welcome aboard Kyle Chandler, Jennifer Ehle, Harold Perrineau, Jeremy Strong, Mark Strong, Mark Duplass & [my boy] Édgar Ramírez.  Then she was like, I need a beardy guy that’s super good at yelling and torture and then they got Jason Clarke and he did that.  Then she was like, I need two beardos to play beardo Navy Seals, so she got that guy from Parks & Rec who’s character isn’t as funny as everyone thinks it is and fake Owen Lars from the BS Star Wars poo-quels.  But guess what, the casting didn’t end there.  She was like, oh, I need some fat guy that could pass for Leon Panetta, and so BAM, put on some 80s Japanese bidness-man eyeglasses James Gandolfini!  And she threw in Stephen Dillane for good measure.  That’s eggzatcly how the casting was done, as told to me by a magic elf fairy from Rivendale

What more do you need to know?  GO AMERICA!  NEVER QUIT!  Always keep your eye on the ball.  Kick a guy in the balls, but only IF it will lead to info that will get us to Osama bin Laden.  And if we get that info, lets lose it for like 7 years, but since we don’t give up, we find it again and follow up and finally hang our ‘mission accomplished’ banners.  Way to go us/US.  Red, White & BEST!!!!

Spank dog Morgan Spurlock never found OBL, cause otherwise this movie wouldn’t eggsist

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Zero Hot Tens: Jessica Collins is in the movie for all of 8 seconds, but she hypnothighsed me with her eyes

and then I remembered where she had done it before – the sorta-brilliant but cancelled Rubicon

Zero Dark Thirty sees the light in NY & LA on Wednesday and elsewhere on January 11

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Amour
I’m OK, You’re Decay
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min

And the worst date movie of 2012 is Michael Haneke‘s Amour.  That’s not a knock, it’s actually an honor for us to declare such a thing, but even though this movie is called ‘Love (in French)’, it’s more like ‘Watching An Old Woman Slowly Decay For Two Hours’!  How much fun does that sound???  OODLES!!!  And if you enter this old woman’s apartment, you won’t ever leave it cause the film doesn’t leave this old woman’s apartment!!!!!  It’s like the Hotel French California, but like even more painful than listening to The Eagles!

So who’s this old lady?  She’s Emmanuelle Riva and she starts off as a normal old lady, lover of music, being French, etc, but then she has a stroke – not of genius, but the bad kind.  She begs her husband Jean-Louis Trintignant to never put her in a home besides their own, so he plays the good husband and takes care of her at home.  What a great husband!  But then she has a second stroke – still not one of  the geniusnessness kindsz, and this stroke has basically transformed her into a babbling, drooling old lady baby.  It’s like Benjamin Button, but even more painful to watch (pain, in a good way, as BB was painful cause it sucked).  Poor husband – his job juss got super super harder.  And he’s super old too!  And he’s gotta lift her up all the time!   And he’s gotta pick up her pants after she poops!  And other stuff that sucks!!!  And their daughter Isabelle Huppert is zero help.  Cause all she does is cry and be French and stuff

Man, what an excruciatingly painful movie to sit thru, but a tremendously beautiful one at that.  Would you expect anything less from beauty pain-meister Michael Haneke?????  Dunno.  Only seen 3 of his movies and all 3 are still hauntings me.  His movies stay with you, FOREVER, so beware cause the Haneke man will get you!!!  And you should let him get you!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Amour desires your love in NY & LA on December 19 and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
High Un-Expectedations MET!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 169 min

Who was the least cool & fun & awesome & interesting dude in that fellowship of them rings?  Easy answer – Gimli.  Nothing against Gimili, but dwarfs juss can’t compete with rugged & handsome Viggo, cutie shield surfing Orlando Bloom (who hasn’t gone on to do anything after LOTR), not so boring Boromir or those four Hobbits who are so fun that they may have actually invented fun.  So yeah, dwarfs are pretty much the bottom würst of Middle Earth.  Well, JRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien’s first book had one Hobbit and one Ian McKellen, and nothing else but dwarfs – 13 of them.  How exciting is 1 dwarf?  Not as less exciting as 13 of them.  Basically what wees sayings is – is it worth it to go there and back, again, from the Shire to everywhere else but the Shire, and with tons of dwarfs???  We were all burned by George Lucas and his prequels, and The Hobbit is basically barking up similar trees ents

Well, guess what, THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY DOES EGGZACTLY WHAT IT NEEDS TO!!!!!!!!!!!  While the story & stakes may not be as epic and sizzling as the stuffs going on in LOTR, the book is what it is (we actually read it!!!) and Peter Jackson executed it to the eggsalad cinematic level that you would expect him to delivery it to.  What he did was be like, hey, you loved LOTR so much, so why don’t we juss make The Hobbit the same way and stuff, but use much more awesome effects and more awesomer capture motion Gollum than you saw before (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) + throw in stuff that wasn’t even in the book cause you people deserve to see Saruman’s beard and Cate Blanchett speak elvish.  WE DO!  WE DO!!!!!

And after about 55issssssh beginning minutes of meeting the 13 dwarfs and rolling one’s eyes and being like, damn, these dwarfs are so un-cool, something totally UNEXPECTED happens – you start loving these dwarfs, cause they is actually juss as cool and as funny and interesting and things as Viggo and Bloom and those Hobbits and Borosmear and his brother Unfairasmear!!!!!  GO DWARVFES!!!!!!!!!!!! And Richard Armitage as main dwarf Thorin is almos as rugged & handsome as Viggo is!!!!!!  IT’S KINDA SORTA REALLY ALMOST TRUE!!!  We’d do em both with yours AND ours (we’d also do Aidan Turner, who’s like a dwarfier Ian Somerhalder)!!  + Martin Freeman is a beyond perfect Bilbo.  He pretty much acts the same as he did as Tim on the original gangster Office, always has, always will, and guess what, that’s juss fine cause Martin Freeman IS THE FCUKING MAN!!!!!!!!!  Oh, did we mention that Ian McKellen is reprising his role as Gandalf?  Dude, we’d all camp out to watch a trilogy of McKellen as Gandalf taking a dump.  Don’t say you wouldn’t cause you would, you sick wizard pooping watching loving fcuker!!!

But isn’t this movie ass long?  People who worry about long ass runtimes should not go see movies.  You should stick yer iPad up yer a$$ and set the alarm to go off in 3 minutes or whatever your attention span is.  Honestly, we knew it was gonna be looong, but we wish it were longer!!!!  If you can sit thru 38938883283 hours of Lame of Thrones then you can sit thru almost 3 hours of The Hobbit, cause The Hobbit is 8w82181098213482ehjdb2rgh48dcb4bnnj44838f838f848484848`4h`4ufhnn3e248248248n2dn times better than Lame of Thrizz

And why did they turn this into 3 movies when I’m sure 2 would have been fine?  Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to anticipate shitty movies for the next 3 winters or do you want 3 FCUKING HOBBIT MOVIES FOR THE NEXT THREE WINTERS!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????

Now what’s this stuff about 48 frames per second junk?  It’s like a normal movie but twice as much stuff in the same amount of seconds!  What does that mean, MORE STUFF!!!!  Well, what did it look like?  It makes everything look really clear (although any bits with motion looked like it was being fast-forwarded on your DVR.  it was strange, but maybe things are suppose to be fast and strange in the future of cinema).  Oh, so it doesn’t look like a normal movie?  Not one you’ve seen before, and since yer eyes and brain aren’t used to it, you might not like it at first, but over 169 minutes you ease into it (like you do with loving dwarfs!!) and the clarity becomes a welcome thing, considering there are so many other 3D and CGI heavy films that are so unclear looking.  Ever see Transformers?  Sh!t looks so blurry and muddled that our eyes and brain have quit on ever seeing any Transformers movie ever again. + you don’t wanna trust Peter Jackson?  OK, maybe you don’t after he post-LOTRed us with the who cares King Kong and the what was that unlovely Lovely Bones, BUT, when it comes to JRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien, in Jackson we trust AND thrust.  Spank the lord Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct this cause it woulda been filled with Spanish nymphs with dumb sh!t like hands with eyes and stuff

did we mention that Bret McKenzie is in it????????? he was in LOTR 1 & 3, but gets more to do here, and wait, Bret’s dad was in one of them too??????  oh, and this is still the best

Verdictgo: Peter Jackson + Tolkien =  Breast In Show

Hobbit‘s journey begins with one giant movie at a theater near jews this friday. if you wanna try out the 48fps stuff, here’s a list of US theaters fpsing out

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

oh, and, never 5get –

Engrish Two Towers Subtitles

Beware of Mr Baker
Enter At Your Own Risk AND Reward!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 100 min

Ginger Baker marched to the beat of his own drummer.  Didn’t hurt that he was a drummer, and possibly the best drummer ever (Ginger says ask John Bonham or Keith Moon and they’d admit it too, if they weren’t dead)!  He was the drummer of Cream.  He was the drummer of Blind Faith.  He drummed with Fela Kuti.  He drummed everyone crazy.  He loved playing polo, and doing women, and drugs.  This man is amazing.  His story is amazing.  Jay Bulger (in the Curly W hat above) tells his story.  You should listen cause it’s amazing, and Ginger is alive and unwell, in a good way, cause he’s amazing.  This just in – Ginger Baker is amazing.  Please never stop talking Ginger Baker, oh, and never stop drumming too

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Baker‘s got the beat in NY & LA, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Silver Linings Playbook
Bipolar Opposites Attract
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min

David O Russell‘s Silver Linings Playbook is a great great great American film.  It’s like American Beauty but less pretentious and more American.  It’s like David O’s own The Fighter, but more fun and funnier.  Not even Jennifer Lawrence‘s dour sourpuss stizz can halt its amazingness.  She, for the first time in our eyes, hands in an actual performance that isn’t a total snoozefest, and its incredible!  IT’S TRUE!!!!  Chris Tucker isn’t even the most annoying thing in the film.  What is?  NOTHING, cause if you pair Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro in a movie, it’s obviously going to be something worth seeing.  OK, so it has only happened twice – first, with the crizzazzy Limitless & now with Playbook (the time where pre-fame Coops asked De Niro a question on Inside The Actor’s Studio doesn’t count), but still, Cooper/De Niro in 2016!!!!

So what is the Silver Linings Playbook? Bradley Coops is a bipolar man that has just returned home after an extended stay at a mental facility, who wants nothing more than his wife & previous life back, but that aint happening anytime soon, even if he’s under the delusion that it is.  In order to get better, Coops wants to see the silver lining in everything… AND USE IT AS HIS PLAYBOOK!  He gets help and support from his parents, De Niro & Jacki Weaver (she, the tuff & ruff & gruff Aussie mum in Animal Kingdom), even if he may have inherited his crazy from them.  Weaver doesn’t have that much to do besides bake & hug, but her smile is a comfort every time it is shown.  De Niro on the otherhand, is actually acting, as a character who lives & breathes, instead of juss showing up for a paycheck.  He is fantabolous, especially when he gets all itchy about his beloved Philadelphia Eagles, gambling & good luck charms.  DON’T YOU DARE MESS WITH HIS JUJU!!!!!

And while Coops also gets solid support from folks like Anupam Kher, John Ortiz, Shea Whigham & Julia Stiles, he finds the most help from a kindred battered spirit in the form of Katniss Everdeen J-Law.  Her husband recently died, and she too wants to put her life back together.  This movie is really about Coops and J-Law moving forward in life, together, even if they seem like two ingredients in a recipe for disaster.  While the outcome may be a tad predictable, and a bit more dancy than Hugh, the journey is so dang earnest and honest and awesome that it actually pays to discover something so undiscoverious.  That isn’t a word, but this movie is so great that it’s forcing us to make up words.  We hope this wins lots of awards.  We hope you do too

summary of all fears – there’s a movie that Jennifer Lawrence is in that we don’t hate and/or hate her in it, which automatically makes it a MUSS MUSS MUSS SEEEEE!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Silver Linings is gold in limited release this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…