American Hustle basically sucked. Black Mass is the opposite of American Hustle, although the two share a decade, large pompadour hairdos, and strong machismo overacting
Above all – Johnny Depp is terrifying as real-life baddie Whitey Bulger. And above that – Depp is udderly incredible in the film. Obviously Depp is an incredible actor, but this may be his best (non-Tim Burton) performance since 1998’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I credit two things with this great achievement – the hair and the make-up. So far, I’m rooting for no horses in the Oscar race, but Depp’s Mass face deserves a gold man, so I guess I’m rooting for that
Depp’s bad hair, bad skin, and cold blue killer eyes will haunt me 9ever
his look is like a combo of this-es…
Johnny S. Thompson Loathing with Fear
meets all the Biff Tannens of BTTFII
meets Flattop of Dick Tracy
meets William Forsythe in general
meets Coppola’s Dracula
meets Electro of Spider-unwatchble-reboot-2
meets the creepy-eyed lizard aliens of V
Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers
Black Mass preaches the bad words currently at a theater near jews
Who was the least cool & fun & awesome & interesting dude in that fellowship of them rings? Easy answer – Gimli. Nothing against Gimili, but dwarfs juss can’t compete with rugged & handsome Viggo, cutie shield surfing Orlando Bloom (who hasn’t gone on to do anything after LOTR), not so boring Boromir or those four Hobbits who are so fun that they may have actually invented fun. So yeah, dwarfs are pretty much the bottom würst of Middle Earth. Well, JRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien’s first book had one Hobbit and one Ian McKellen, and nothing else but dwarfs – 13 of them. How exciting is 1 dwarf? Not as less exciting as 13 of them. Basically what wees sayings is – is it worth it to go there and back, again, from the Shire to everywhere else but the Shire, and with tons of dwarfs??? We were all burned by George Lucas and his prequels, and The Hobbit is basically barking up similar trees ents
Well, guess what, THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY DOES EGGZACTLY WHAT IT NEEDS TO!!!!!!!!!!! While the story & stakes may not be as epic and sizzling as the stuffs going on in LOTR, the book is what it is (we actually read it!!!) and Peter Jackson executed it to the eggsalad cinematic level that you would expect him to delivery it to. What he did was be like, hey, you loved LOTR so much, so why don’t we juss make The Hobbit the same way and stuff, but use much more awesome effects and more awesomer capture motion Gollum than you saw before (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) + throw in stuff that wasn’t even in the book cause you people deserve to see Saruman’s beard and Cate Blanchett speak elvish. WE DO! WE DO!!!!!
And after about 55issssssh beginning minutes of meeting the 13 dwarfs and rolling one’s eyes and being like, damn, these dwarfs are so un-cool, something totally UNEXPECTED happens – you start loving these dwarfs, cause they is actually juss as cool and as funny and interesting and things as Viggo and Bloom and those Hobbits and Borosmear and his brother Unfairasmear!!!!! GO DWARVFES!!!!!!!!!!!! And Richard Armitage as main dwarf Thorin is almos as rugged & handsome as Viggo is!!!!!! IT’S KINDA SORTA REALLY ALMOST TRUE!!! We’d do em both with yours AND ours (we’d also do Aidan Turner, who’s like a dwarfier Ian Somerhalder)!! + Martin Freeman is a beyond perfect Bilbo. He pretty much acts the same as he did as Tim on the original gangster Office, always has, always will, and guess what, that’s juss fine cause Martin Freeman IS THE FCUKING MAN!!!!!!!!! Oh, did we mention that Ian McKellen is reprising his role as Gandalf? Dude, we’d all camp out to watch a trilogy of McKellen as Gandalf taking a dump. Don’t say you wouldn’t cause you would, you sick wizard pooping watching loving fcuker!!!
But isn’t this movie ass long? People who worry about long ass runtimes should not go see movies. You should stick yer iPad up yer a$$ and set the alarm to go off in 3 minutes or whatever your attention span is. Honestly, we knew it was gonna be looong, but we wish it were longer!!!! If you can sit thru 38938883283 hours of Lame of Thrones then you can sit thru almost 3 hours of The Hobbit, cause The Hobbit is 8w82181098213482ehjdb2rgh48dcb4bnnj44838f838f848484848`4h`4ufhnn3e248248248n2dn times better than Lame of Thrizz
And why did they turn this into 3 movies when I’m sure 2 would have been fine? Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to anticipate shitty movies for the next 3 winters or do you want 3 FCUKING HOBBIT MOVIES FOR THE NEXT THREE WINTERS!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????
Now what’s this stuff about 48 frames per second junk? It’s like a normal movie but twice as much stuff in the same amount of seconds! What does that mean, MORE STUFF!!!! Well, what did it look like? It makes everything look really clear (although any bits with motion looked like it was being fast-forwarded on your DVR. it was strange, but maybe things are suppose to be fast and strange in the future of cinema). Oh, so it doesn’t look like a normal movie? Not one you’ve seen before, and since yer eyes and brain aren’t used to it, you might not like it at first, but over 169 minutes you ease into it (like you do with loving dwarfs!!) and the clarity becomes a welcome thing, considering there are so many other 3D and CGI heavy films that are so unclear looking. Ever see Transformers? Sh!t looks so blurry and muddled that our eyes and brain have quit on ever seeing any Transformers movie ever again. + you don’t wanna trust Peter Jackson? OK, maybe you don’t after he post-LOTRed us with the who cares King Kong and the what was that unlovely Lovely Bones, BUT, when it comes to JRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien, in Jackson we trust AND thrust. Spank the lord Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct this cause it woulda been filled with Spanish nymphs with dumb sh!t like hands with eyes and stuff
Moneyball does cinematic poetry to statistical baseball analysis and management like The Social Network did with internets social networking empire building. The recipe – take a best selling book with a subject matter that might not lend itself to being a compelling thing to watch, throw in some punchy Aaron Sorkin (+ Steven Zaillian) words, a great cast & score, and let the good times roll. And roll, they do!!!
Moneyball will make you believe that David still has a chance against Goliath. It will make want to buy an Oakland A’s hat. It will make you rethink Brad Pitt. We were pretty much done with star, but for the first time in awhile, he’s acting as someone else (Billy Beane), and not juss being Brad Pitt the movie star in a movie. It will make you yearn for endless Jonah Hill dramatic work (see Cyrus. seriously, see that movie. he was fantastic in it) or for him to have stayed fat forever (he just looks wrong, but good for him). It will make you want to have a daughter that plays guitar. It will make you wish that Philip Seymour Hoffman was hatcually a baseball manager. It will make you swear that Chris Pratt isn’t really a prat. It will make you aware that Bennett Miller (Capote) might really be quite good as this directing thing
But there’s gotta be some bad, right? OF COURSE! WE CAN EVEN FIND BAD IN POPEYES FRIED CHICKEN (their lack of biscuit sangwiches). Here’s the ‘bad’ – no AC/DC’s ‘Moneytalks’, the A’s don’t win the World Series (no spoiler there kids), and it’s kinda long. Well, so is baseball, so maybe they got it right (they did)
BALK THIS WAY, TALK THIS WAY!!!
Hammer Time: always found this tibit so fascinating…
MC Hammer got his nickname from his childhood job with the Oakland Athletics. Eccentric longtime A’s owner Charlie O Finley loved Stanley Kirk Burrell, the talented kid who danced in the team’s parking lot and eventually became a batboy and an errand boy for the club, and the benevolent owner called him ‘Little Hammer’ because he thought Burrell looked like ‘Hammerin’ Hank Aaron. When the Little Hammer picked up the mic, he became M.C. Hammer [via MFloss]
Verdictgo: Breast In Show
Moneyball is atop the standings today at a theater near jews
The LEGO® Batman Movie Boy Wonder Boys Official Site | Trailer & Mo PG | 104 min Like me, you’re human. Like me, you LOVED The LEGO® Movie!!! Everything about it was awesome, especially the Batman parts, and so when they decided to make a LEGO® Batman Movie, of course you and I had to see it, […]
I Am Not Your Negro Race Yourselves Official Site | Trailer & Mo PG-13 | 95 min The most important movie of 2016 (which is now getting a full release in 2017, so I guess that makes it the most important movie of 2017) is Raoul Peck‘s I Am Not Your Negro YESS!!! It’s true!!!! One can never […]
The Founder The Big Mac Daddy Official Site | Trailer & Mo PG-13 | 115 min As a kid my love for McDonald’s was beyond super-sized. As an adult, I haven’t abandoned the golden arches, but I certainly don’t eat there as much as I did as an ultra-happy Happy Meal youngin Anywho, I always remembered seeing this plaque in our […]
Hidden Figures Space Race-ist Official Site | Trailer & Mo PG | 127 min I am all for movies about equal rights, the space race, the American spirit, conquering adversity and unheard true stories that must be told. Hidden Figures needs to exist. It’s a PG movie that anyone and everyone can and should see. You + […]
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Lee Horsley as/in Matt Houston, alongside Barbara Edwards, Mary Lynne Gehr, Marianne Gravatte, Veronica Gamba, Heidi Sorenson, Trisha Long, Dona Speir, and Kymberly Herrin (one of the ZZ Top legs ladies!!!) in the episode ‘The Bikini Murders‘, which aired on February 3, 1984 I NEED THIS TO RE-AIR NOW!!!
we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2016 and now, for the only awards that matter… Thirstweenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards aka THE THIGHSMANS!!! _ Crap To The Future Award For Würstest Acting of The Year Award!!! Nick Kroll in Loving he somehow molded his character and acting style based on the ‘I think he […]
I’m never getting around to seeing Fences or Lion, so here’s… Dwelve Into These Twelve of 2016 1) Tower A real life tragic event gets Waking Lifed, and it’s not only scary and horrific, but hopeful AND inspiring! – 2) I Am Not Your Negro What it’s like to be an African-American in America (when you’re […]
I bought more CDs this year than I probably have in an entire decade! it’s TRUE!!!! I WILL NOT LET PHYSICAL MEDIA DIE!!! here’s what I listened to in 2016!! all certified thightastic! – you know my theory – see your favorite musicians in concert before you or they die… Live By Night! Raul Malo […]
you know the drill – 2016 was all Tronald Dump, and Gigi Hadon’t and bunch of other garbage szauce, but 2017 is gonna be different, and amazing, and awesome szauce. There may be some KKK, but don’t worry, everything will be A-OKKKK. How do we know? We juss do. Anywho, The Washington Post does a list thing, and […]
oh man, that TV stuff in 2016!!! 1. The People vs OJ Simpson (FX) left a PERManent 90s stain on my psyche (please note – I didn’t get a chance to watch the ESPN doc series on OJ yet): – 2. The Americans (FX) poor poor Martha Hanson – 3. Baskets (FX) Louie Anderson – BIGGEST comeback of the 21st Century!!! […]