Tag Archives: Gollum

Beauty Is Only Skin Depp

Black Mass
KICKS MAJOR MASS!!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min

black mass

American Hustle basically sucked.  Black Mass is the opposite of American Hustle, although the two share a decade, large pompadour hairdos, and strong machismo overacting

Above all – Johnny Depp is terrifying as real-life baddie Whitey Bulger.  And above that – Depp is udderly incredible in the film.  Obviously Depp is an incredible actor, but this may be his best (non-Tim Burton) performance since 1998’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  I credit two things with this great achievement – the hair and the make-up.  So far, I’m rooting for no horses in the Oscar race, but Depp’s Mass face deserves a gold man, so I guess I’m rooting for that

Depp’s bad hair, bad skin, and cold blue killer eyes will haunt me 9ever

black mass deopp

 

his look is like a combo of this-es…

Johnny S. Thompson Loathing with Fear

fear loathing depp

meets all the Biff Tannens of BTTFII

biff tannen II

biff old ii

biff ii

meets Flattop of Dick Tracy

flat top dick tracy

meets William Forsythe in general

william forsyth

meets Coppola’s Dracula

coppola dracula

meets Electro of Spider-unwatchble-reboot-2

electro

meets Gollum

gollum

meets the creepy-eyed lizard aliens of V

v

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Black Mass preaches the bad words currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

black mass teef

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Shire On You Crazy Diamond

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
High Un-Expectedations MET!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 169 min

no saggins here!!!

Who was the least cool & fun & awesome & interesting dude in that fellowship of them rings?  Easy answer – Gimli.  Nothing against Gimili, but dwarfs juss can’t compete with rugged & handsome Viggo, cutie shield surfing Orlando Bloom (who hasn’t gone on to do anything after LOTR), not so boring Boromir or those four Hobbits who are so fun that they may have actually invented fun.  So yeah, dwarfs are pretty much the bottom würst of Middle Earth.  Well, JRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien’s first book had one Hobbit and one Ian McKellen, and nothing else but dwarfs – 13 of them.  How exciting is 1 dwarf?  Not as less exciting as 13 of them.  Basically what wees sayings is – is it worth it to go there and back, again, from the Shire to everywhere else but the Shire, and with tons of dwarfs???  We were all burned by George Lucas and his prequels, and The Hobbit is basically barking up similar trees ents

Well, guess what, THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY DOES EGGZACTLY WHAT IT NEEDS TO!!!!!!!!!!!  While the story & stakes may not be as epic and sizzling as the stuffs going on in LOTR, the book is what it is (we actually read it!!!) and Peter Jackson executed it to the eggsalad cinematic level that you would expect him to delivery it to.  What he did was be like, hey, you loved LOTR so much, so why don’t we juss make The Hobbit the same way and stuff, but use much more awesome effects and more awesomer capture motion Gollum than you saw before (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) + throw in stuff that wasn’t even in the book cause you people deserve to see Saruman’s beard and Cate Blanchett speak elvish.  WE DO!  WE DO!!!!!

And after about 55issssssh beginning minutes of meeting the 13 dwarfs and rolling one’s eyes and being like, damn, these dwarfs are so un-cool, something totally UNEXPECTED happens – you start loving these dwarfs, cause they is actually juss as cool and as funny and interesting and things as Viggo and Bloom and those Hobbits and Borosmear and his brother Unfairasmear!!!!!  GO DWARVFES!!!!!!!!!!!! And Richard Armitage as main dwarf Thorin is almos as rugged & handsome as Viggo is!!!!!!  IT’S KINDA SORTA REALLY ALMOST TRUE!!!  We’d do em both with yours AND ours (we’d also do Aidan Turner, who’s like a dwarfier Ian Somerhalder)!!  + Martin Freeman is a beyond perfect Bilbo.  He pretty much acts the same as he did as Tim on the original gangster Office, always has, always will, and guess what, that’s juss fine cause Martin Freeman IS THE FCUKING MAN!!!!!!!!!  Oh, did we mention that Ian McKellen is reprising his role as Gandalf?  Dude, we’d all camp out to watch a trilogy of McKellen as Gandalf taking a dump.  Don’t say you wouldn’t cause you would, you sick wizard pooping watching loving fcuker!!!

But isn’t this movie ass long?  People who worry about long ass runtimes should not go see movies.  You should stick yer iPad up yer a$$ and set the alarm to go off in 3 minutes or whatever your attention span is.  Honestly, we knew it was gonna be looong, but we wish it were longer!!!!  If you can sit thru 38938883283 hours of Lame of Thrones then you can sit thru almost 3 hours of The Hobbit, cause The Hobbit is 8w82181098213482ehjdb2rgh48dcb4bnnj44838f838f848484848`4h`4ufhnn3e248248248n2dn times better than Lame of Thrizz

And why did they turn this into 3 movies when I’m sure 2 would have been fine?  Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to anticipate shitty movies for the next 3 winters or do you want 3 FCUKING HOBBIT MOVIES FOR THE NEXT THREE WINTERS!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????

Now what’s this stuff about 48 frames per second junk?  It’s like a normal movie but twice as much stuff in the same amount of seconds!  What does that mean, MORE STUFF!!!!  Well, what did it look like?  It makes everything look really clear (although any bits with motion looked like it was being fast-forwarded on your DVR.  it was strange, but maybe things are suppose to be fast and strange in the future of cinema).  Oh, so it doesn’t look like a normal movie?  Not one you’ve seen before, and since yer eyes and brain aren’t used to it, you might not like it at first, but over 169 minutes you ease into it (like you do with loving dwarfs!!) and the clarity becomes a welcome thing, considering there are so many other 3D and CGI heavy films that are so unclear looking.  Ever see Transformers?  Sh!t looks so blurry and muddled that our eyes and brain have quit on ever seeing any Transformers movie ever again. + you don’t wanna trust Peter Jackson?  OK, maybe you don’t after he post-LOTRed us with the who cares King Kong and the what was that unlovely Lovely Bones, BUT, when it comes to JRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien, in Jackson we trust AND thrust.  Spank the lord Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct this cause it woulda been filled with Spanish nymphs with dumb sh!t like hands with eyes and stuff

did we mention that Bret McKenzie is in it????????? he was in LOTR 1 & 3, but gets more to do here, and wait, Bret’s dad was in one of them too??????  oh, and this is still the best

Verdictgo: Peter Jackson + Tolkien =  Breast In Show

Hobbit‘s journey begins with one giant movie at a theater near jews this friday. if you wanna try out the 48fps stuff, here’s a list of US theaters fpsing out

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

oh, and, never 5get –

PSSUY FACE!!!!!!!!

Engrish Two Towers Subtitles

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David Justice Is Served

Moneyball
Straight A’s
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

Moneyball does cinematic poetry to statistical baseball analysis and management like The Social Network did with internets social networking empire building. The recipe – take a best selling book with a subject matter that might not lend itself to being a compelling thing to watch, throw in some punchy Aaron Sorkin (+ Steven Zaillian) words, a great cast & score, and let the good times roll.  And roll, they do!!!

Moneyball will make you believe that David still has a chance against Goliath.  It will make want to buy an Oakland A’s hat.  It will make you rethink Brad Pitt.  We were pretty much done with star, but for the first time in awhile, he’s acting as someone else (Billy Beane), and not juss being Brad Pitt the movie star in a movie.  It will make you yearn for endless Jonah Hill dramatic work (see Cyrus.  seriously, see that movie.  he was fantastic in it) or for him to have stayed fat forever (he just looks wrong, but good for him).  It will make you want to have a daughter that plays guitar.  It will make you wish that Philip Seymour Hoffman was hatcually a baseball manager.  It will make you swear that Chris Pratt isn’t really a prat.  It will make you aware that Bennett Miller (Capote) might really be quite good as this directing thing

But there’s gotta be some bad, right? OF COURSE!  WE CAN EVEN FIND BAD IN POPEYES FRIED CHICKEN (their lack of biscuit sangwiches).  Here’s the ‘bad’ – no AC/DC’s ‘Moneytalks’, the A’s don’t win the World Series (no spoiler there kids), and it’s kinda long.  Well, so is baseball, so maybe they got it right (they did)

BALK THIS WAY, TALK THIS WAY!!!

Hammer Time: always found this tibit so fascinating…

MC Hammer got his nickname from his childhood job with the Oakland Athletics.  Eccentric longtime A’s owner Charlie O Finley loved Stanley Kirk Burrell, the talented kid who danced in the team’s parking lot and eventually became a batboy and an errand boy for the club, and the benevolent owner called him ‘Little Hammer’ because he thought Burrell looked like ‘Hammerin’ Hank Aaron. When the Little Hammer picked up the mic, he became M.C. Hammer [via MFloss]

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Moneyball is atop the standings today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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