Thighs Wide Shut

Amour
I’m OK, You’re Decay
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min

And the worst date movie of 2012 is Michael Haneke‘s Amour.  That’s not a knock, it’s actually an honor for us to declare such a thing, but even though this movie is called ‘Love (in French)’, it’s more like ‘Watching An Old Woman Slowly Decay For Two Hours’!  How much fun does that sound???  OODLES!!!  And if you enter this old woman’s apartment, you won’t ever leave it cause the film doesn’t leave this old woman’s apartment!!!!!  It’s like the Hotel French California, but like even more painful than listening to The Eagles!

So who’s this old lady?  She’s Emmanuelle Riva and she starts off as a normal old lady, lover of music, being French, etc, but then she has a stroke – not of genius, but the bad kind.  She begs her husband Jean-Louis Trintignant to never put her in a home besides their own, so he plays the good husband and takes care of her at home.  What a great husband!  But then she has a second stroke – still not one of  the geniusnessness kindsz, and this stroke has basically transformed her into a babbling, drooling old lady baby.  It’s like Benjamin Button, but even more painful to watch (pain, in a good way, as BB was painful cause it sucked).  Poor husband – his job juss got super super harder.  And he’s super old too!  And he’s gotta lift her up all the time!   And he’s gotta pick up her pants after she poops!  And other stuff that sucks!!!  And their daughter Isabelle Huppert is zero help.  Cause all she does is cry and be French and stuff

Man, what an excruciatingly painful movie to sit thru, but a tremendously beautiful one at that.  Would you expect anything less from beauty pain-meister Michael Haneke?????  Dunno.  Only seen 3 of his movies and all 3 are still hauntings me.  His movies stay with you, FOREVER, so beware cause the Haneke man will get you!!!  And you should let him get you!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Amour desires your love in NY & LA on December 19 and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Das Weisse Band
(The White Ribbon)
Presumed Innocence
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Ah kinders/children, they seem so free of the world’s evils and monstrosities, that is until they grow up to become evil and are the cause of the monstrosities!!! Therein lies the duality of udder beauty and quiet horror that transpires in Michael Haneke (both Funny Games, Caché)’s mysterious and mesmerizing White Ribbon. His black and white fable is part Laura Ingalls Wilder, part Village of The Damned, part The Village (well, at least the good parts), and is all parts wonderful. It won the Palme d’Or at this past year’s Cannes, should win best foreign pic at this year’s Oscars, and honestly, should be nominated for breast picture overall (there’s 10 spots, so at least one of them has to go to something worthy, right?). It’s no Up In The Air, but of course it’s not, cause this is a timeless film that’s actually brilliant instead of a film people think is brilliant simply cause it’s timely. But you’ll never know cause you’ll probably never see Ribbon cause it doesn’t star anyone you know (unless you remember Burghart Klaußner from The Reader), and probably won’t play in your area (which isn’t your fault), so before we stop and pause for end of the year breast and brelaxation (read: no posts until next week), all we can say is EAT IT APATOW & CLOONEY!!!!

Leader Hosen: eggsalad performances are found all around in Ribbon, the finest being between the school teacher (love those glasses Christian Friedel!!) and the young lass he is adorably courting, played by the cutie patootie Leonie Benesch

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Ribbon opens in NY/LA only today

and until NEXT YEAR!!!! the balcony is clothed…