Remember how un-epic the battle was in Return of The King, and how it never seemed to end, cause it had 32012391929 endings? Well, I can’t reference any Thighs Wide review of such, cause that movie pre-dates this site!!! Butt bad tasting movie memories live on, but all is forgiven with Hobbit 3!!!
Hobbit 1 was dang good, but Hobbit 2 was 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH, but over time, I’ve felt more MEH on the yeah, so it was more like 2/3rds MEH and 1/3 yeah. Well, Hobbit 3 was 90000% YEAH!!!!
Hobbit 3 wastes no time – it starts with a fire-breathing BANG, and then juss keeps getting better and butter with each sword clash, and arrow being flung. Flung = fun. Swords = (s)WORD BOOTY!!!!
So how does this ending work better than LOTR: ROTK‘s ending?
– there’s an actual battle, and it’s not easily ended by ghost warriors
– these are the only movies where Orlando Bloom is the fcuking MAN (by being an elf)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– there’s like a scene with Gandalf, Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, and Christopher Lee (HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) where they battle evil incarnate AND IT REMINDS YOU HOW AMAZINGS LOTR was AND how amazings the movie you watching IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– the movie ends and bookends bookbeginnings perfectly with LOTR. if you have kids – you can now start with the Hobbits and then jump right into the LOTRs. Peter Jackson did it. George Lucas didn’t – cause you should never show your kids the Star Wars prequels
– praise jeebus Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct these movies. It would have sucked
Verdictgo: Breast In Show
Hobbit 3 rings in the end of the year at a theater near jews
Who was the least cool & fun & awesome & interesting dude in that fellowship of them rings? Easy answer – Gimli. Nothing against Gimili, but dwarfs juss can’t compete with rugged & handsome Viggo, cutie shield surfing Orlando Bloom (who hasn’t gone on to do anything after LOTR), not so boring Boromir or those four Hobbits who are so fun that they may have actually invented fun. So yeah, dwarfs are pretty much the bottom würst of Middle Earth. Well, JRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien’s first book had one Hobbit and one Ian McKellen, and nothing else but dwarfs – 13 of them. How exciting is 1 dwarf? Not as less exciting as 13 of them. Basically what wees sayings is – is it worth it to go there and back, again, from the Shire to everywhere else but the Shire, and with tons of dwarfs??? We were all burned by George Lucas and his prequels, and The Hobbit is basically barking up similar trees ents
Well, guess what, THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY DOES EGGZACTLY WHAT IT NEEDS TO!!!!!!!!!!! While the story & stakes may not be as epic and sizzling as the stuffs going on in LOTR, the book is what it is (we actually read it!!!) and Peter Jackson executed it to the eggsalad cinematic level that you would expect him to delivery it to. What he did was be like, hey, you loved LOTR so much, so why don’t we juss make The Hobbit the same way and stuff, but use much more awesome effects and more awesomer capture motion Gollum than you saw before (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) + throw in stuff that wasn’t even in the book cause you people deserve to see Saruman’s beard and Cate Blanchett speak elvish. WE DO! WE DO!!!!!
And after about 55issssssh beginning minutes of meeting the 13 dwarfs and rolling one’s eyes and being like, damn, these dwarfs are so un-cool, something totally UNEXPECTED happens – you start loving these dwarfs, cause they is actually juss as cool and as funny and interesting and things as Viggo and Bloom and those Hobbits and Borosmear and his brother Unfairasmear!!!!! GO DWARVFES!!!!!!!!!!!! And Richard Armitage as main dwarf Thorin is almos as rugged & handsome as Viggo is!!!!!! IT’S KINDA SORTA REALLY ALMOST TRUE!!! We’d do em both with yours AND ours (we’d also do Aidan Turner, who’s like a dwarfier Ian Somerhalder)!! + Martin Freeman is a beyond perfect Bilbo. He pretty much acts the same as he did as Tim on the original gangster Office, always has, always will, and guess what, that’s juss fine cause Martin Freeman IS THE FCUKING MAN!!!!!!!!! Oh, did we mention that Ian McKellen is reprising his role as Gandalf? Dude, we’d all camp out to watch a trilogy of McKellen as Gandalf taking a dump. Don’t say you wouldn’t cause you would, you sick wizard pooping watching loving fcuker!!!
But isn’t this movie ass long? People who worry about long ass runtimes should not go see movies. You should stick yer iPad up yer a$$ and set the alarm to go off in 3 minutes or whatever your attention span is. Honestly, we knew it was gonna be looong, but we wish it were longer!!!! If you can sit thru 38938883283 hours of Lame of Thrones then you can sit thru almost 3 hours of The Hobbit, cause The Hobbit is 8w82181098213482ehjdb2rgh48dcb4bnnj44838f838f848484848`4h`4ufhnn3e248248248n2dn times better than Lame of Thrizz
And why did they turn this into 3 movies when I’m sure 2 would have been fine? Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to anticipate shitty movies for the next 3 winters or do you want 3 FCUKING HOBBIT MOVIES FOR THE NEXT THREE WINTERS!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????
Now what’s this stuff about 48 frames per second junk? It’s like a normal movie but twice as much stuff in the same amount of seconds! What does that mean, MORE STUFF!!!! Well, what did it look like? It makes everything look really clear (although any bits with motion looked like it was being fast-forwarded on your DVR. it was strange, but maybe things are suppose to be fast and strange in the future of cinema). Oh, so it doesn’t look like a normal movie? Not one you’ve seen before, and since yer eyes and brain aren’t used to it, you might not like it at first, but over 169 minutes you ease into it (like you do with loving dwarfs!!) and the clarity becomes a welcome thing, considering there are so many other 3D and CGI heavy films that are so unclear looking. Ever see Transformers? Sh!t looks so blurry and muddled that our eyes and brain have quit on ever seeing any Transformers movie ever again. + you don’t wanna trust Peter Jackson? OK, maybe you don’t after he post-LOTRed us with the who cares King Kong and the what was that unlovely Lovely Bones, BUT, when it comes to JRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien, in Jackson we trust AND thrust. Spank the lord Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct this cause it woulda been filled with Spanish nymphs with dumb sh!t like hands with eyes and stuff
We never read a single word of Hergé‘s classic tales of Tintin, the world’s most famous fictional young Belgian reporter EVER (go ahead, NAME ANOTHER!), but we’ve always been captivated by the artwork. As a kid, we’d go to the public library and stare at the Tintin covers, but never bothered with what was inside (remember, we’re illiterate). Well, them images have been brought to cinematic life, AND BOY HAVE THEY BEEN BROUGHT TO CINEMATIC LIFE!!!! Without question and further debate – the most fun we had (and probably you’ll have) in theaters in 2011 was eyeballing Steven Spielberg‘s beyond magical motion capture 3-D extravaganza The Adventures of Tintin!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you need more glowing endorsements? Of course you do, you haters of ginger-haired Belgians! Tintin is Spielberg’s bestest adventure movie since Indy’s Last Crusade. IT’S TRUE!!!! Hell, some of Tintin‘s action sequences HACTUALLY top ANYTHING he’s ever done (DID WE JUST WRITE THAT, we did!)!!! Even the digital animation visual stuff here rivals any of that crazy visual shaz seen in his modern futuristic fare, like A.I. and Minority Report!!!!!!
Now, we really should wait a few years before making such statements like this, but we’re almost ready to safely name Tintin as one of Señor Spielbergo’s top ten works, EVER!!!! Same cannot be said of the other movie being released this week with SS’s name on it, about a boy & his horse, but that’s not for now, cause now it’s all about a boy and his dog and Belgium waffle-awesomeness!!!
So, it cannot possibly be bottom to top mad rad, cannnit? Well, the plot aint eggzactly all that fancy (it’s the combo of three books – The Crab with the Golden Claws, The Secret of the Unicorn, and Red Rackham’s Treasure), but an adventure doesn’t need to be all that schmancy when it is so dang adventurous!!!! Sure, the ending doesn’t even come close to matching some of them sequences that preceded it, but then again, not much in movies in 2011 can match those sequences either + the ending is really juss the beginning of what we hope is like 1444 dozen more of these movies. IT’S TRUE!!!!
Tintin is like one of those National Treasure movies minus Nic Cage & stupidity, and replaces it with the epic epicicity skills of Spielberg & (producer) Peter Diddy Jackson + the wonderful voices of Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, et al + animation so bla-zam-a-zamm-a-slammin-za-mazing, that you’ll almos forget yer watching a cartoon, even though it is a cartoon, sorta! And you know we hate cartoons, but this aint like any cartoon cartooned before!! EAT IT PIXAR!!!
moral of the story: catch THIS if you can!! 9reals. It’s a PG movie that kicks MAJOR a$$. We mean, it’s got a kid in it who packs heat and hangs out with an always drunk sea captain!!! If you can only see one movie this holiday season (that doesn’t have dragon tattoos in it), then this HAS to be the one. We enjoyed this one singular tale more than we did all 7 of the Harry Potter flicks combined!!! IT’S SO TRUE!!!! EAT IT HOGWURST!!!!
He Hate She: there’s 2 female characters in the Tintin film, and that’s about as many as there were in the entire Tintin comic world! Hergé usually abstained from including women in on the fun. He said ‘For me, women have nothing to do in a world like Tintin’s, which is the realm of male friendship. [They would cause] misadventures rather than adventures. Mocking women would not be nice’. C’mon, doesn’t Tintin wanna celebrate some of his conquests by conquesting some biznatches???
Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yer inin like Tintin at a theater near jews December 21st
Raiders!: The Story of the Greatest Fan Film Ever Made Whip Smart Website | Trailers & Mo Not Rated | 104 min Sometimes there is actual truth in advertising – as is such when a documentary called Raiders!: The Story of the Greatest Fan Film Ever Made documents the past, present and future of Raiders of the Lost Ark: The […]
The Lobster Super Hurry Animals Website | Trailers & Mo PG-13 | 118 min In a sorta near future, if you aren’t paired up with a significant other, you will be turned into an animal – of your choice, naturally. Mustached Colin Farrell was recently dumped by his wife and so he needs to partner up, or animal on […]
Captain America: Civil War Marvel-ous Website | Trailers & Mo PG-13 | 147 min OMG, these guys… and these guys… are all on the same team – but because Captain America has a hard-on for Sebastian Stan, there gonna be a war son, CIVIL style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! This is what Avengers 2: Age of Voltron should have been!!! Sorta […]
Keanu Key and A-Peele-ing Website | Trailers & Mo R | 100 min You like Key (Keegan-Michael Key) and Peele (Jordan Peele)? Kittens? Comedy? Keanu Reeves? Movies slightly over 90 minutes? If you answer ‘yes’ to all of these questions, you are a human being living on planet earth. If you answer ‘no’ to any of these […]
Elstree 1976 Wars‘ Little Known Stars Kickstarter | Trailers & Mo Unrated | 101 min Ever wonder what is was like to be in Star Wars, even if the role was smaller than your butthole, and what life after being in Star Wars was like??? Director/writer/editor Jon Spira wisely answered this question and interviewed 10 of these lucky […]
Paramount had organized a party for me [at Romanoff’s in Beverly Hills in 1957]. All of cinema was there, it was incredible. And then comes in Jayne Mansfield, the last one to come. For me, that was when it got amazing. She came right for my table. She knew everyone was watching. She sat down. […]
Miles Ahead Horns & Thorns Official Website | Trailers & Mo R | 100 min Don Cheadle IS Miles Davis in a movie he co-wrote, produced and directed and starred in AND PLAYED MUSIC IN – Miles Ahead. I don’t know exactly what Miles Davis is or was (of course I know his music, and his funky 70s-80s hair), but […]
TWS turns 12 today. one more year and it becomes a man if you missed anything in year 12, here ye blow… Smells Like Teen Dispirited The 2015 Thighsmans bless you Callahan!! Thighs Wide Movies 2015 The Welles Report Ohhhh Fuuudge! GibsiHana Auf […]
we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2015 and now, for the only awards that matter… Twelvethie Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards aka THE THIGHSMANS!!! _ The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!! Me and Earl and The Dying Girl this movie makes me so mad cause it tries so […]
1) Deli Man I never reviewed this documentary, cause I saw it on a plane, and I usually don’t review movies I’ve seen on planes. It was the perfect plane movie, but it was also the perfect movie movie – it was funny, and entertaining, and informative, and it actually made me cry – tears of joy. […]
you know the drill – 2015 was all Kylie and Kylo and Kenny G, and 2016 is gonna be KKK free. How do we know? We juss do. Anywho, The Washington Post does a list thing, and so do we, cause old habits fry lard… OUT IN Kristaps Porzingis – Please Stop Bazinga – The Dress is Black […]
boob tube groove tube tube tube loob… aka, here’s the best in TV, 2015 1. Restaurant Startup (CNBC) It’s like Shark Tank, but less annoying, and more evil, and more awesome, and food!!!!!!!!!!!! Show was so fcuking good that I refused to watch the last episode of the 2nd season until about 3 months later, cause […]