Tag Archives: Peter Jackson

Here and Knack Again

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Unibrowser Yowzers!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 144 min

hobbit 3

Remember how un-epic the battle was in Return of The King, and how it never seemed to end, cause it had 32012391929 endings? Well, I can’t reference any Thighs Wide review of such, cause that movie pre-dates this site!!! Butt bad tasting movie memories live on, but all is forgiven with Hobbit 3!!!

Hobbit 1 was dang good, but Hobbit 2 was 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH, but over time, I’ve felt more MEH on the yeah, so it was more like 2/3rds MEH and 1/3 yeah. Well, Hobbit 3 was 90000% YEAH!!!!

Hobbit 3 wastes no time – it starts with a fire-breathing BANG, and then juss keeps getting better and butter with each sword clash, and arrow being flung. Flung = fun. Swords = (s)WORD BOOTY!!!!

So how does this ending work better than LOTR: ROTK‘s ending?

– there’s an actual battle, and it’s not easily ended by ghost warriors

– Martin Freeman > Elijah Wood. I’d let Martin burgle my butt

– the dwarves do something besides being lame. Although I still couldn’t tell you any of their names besides the main one (Thrain son of Bane?) and the hot one (Billy Killi Motown Philli?)

– the dude with the uni-brow is an a$$hole, but he’s the fcuking best a$$hole on middle earth AND earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– these are the only movies where Orlando Bloom is the fcuking MAN (by being an elf)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– there’s like a scene with Gandalf, Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, and Christopher Lee (HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) where they battle evil incarnate AND IT REMINDS YOU HOW AMAZINGS LOTR was AND how amazings the movie you watching IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– the movie ends and bookends bookbeginnings perfectly with LOTR. if you have kids – you can now start with the Hobbits and then jump right into the LOTRs. Peter Jackson did it. George Lucas didn’t – cause you should never show your kids the Star Wars prequels

– praise jeebus Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct these movies.  It would have sucked

g del taco

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Hobbit 3 rings in the end of the year at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Shire On You Crazy Diamond

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
High Un-Expectedations MET!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 169 min

no saggins here!!!

Who was the least cool & fun & awesome & interesting dude in that fellowship of them rings?  Easy answer – Gimli.  Nothing against Gimili, but dwarfs juss can’t compete with rugged & handsome Viggo, cutie shield surfing Orlando Bloom (who hasn’t gone on to do anything after LOTR), not so boring Boromir or those four Hobbits who are so fun that they may have actually invented fun.  So yeah, dwarfs are pretty much the bottom würst of Middle Earth.  Well, JRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien’s first book had one Hobbit and one Ian McKellen, and nothing else but dwarfs – 13 of them.  How exciting is 1 dwarf?  Not as less exciting as 13 of them.  Basically what wees sayings is – is it worth it to go there and back, again, from the Shire to everywhere else but the Shire, and with tons of dwarfs???  We were all burned by George Lucas and his prequels, and The Hobbit is basically barking up similar trees ents

Well, guess what, THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY DOES EGGZACTLY WHAT IT NEEDS TO!!!!!!!!!!!  While the story & stakes may not be as epic and sizzling as the stuffs going on in LOTR, the book is what it is (we actually read it!!!) and Peter Jackson executed it to the eggsalad cinematic level that you would expect him to delivery it to.  What he did was be like, hey, you loved LOTR so much, so why don’t we juss make The Hobbit the same way and stuff, but use much more awesome effects and more awesomer capture motion Gollum than you saw before (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) + throw in stuff that wasn’t even in the book cause you people deserve to see Saruman’s beard and Cate Blanchett speak elvish.  WE DO!  WE DO!!!!!

And after about 55issssssh beginning minutes of meeting the 13 dwarfs and rolling one’s eyes and being like, damn, these dwarfs are so un-cool, something totally UNEXPECTED happens – you start loving these dwarfs, cause they is actually juss as cool and as funny and interesting and things as Viggo and Bloom and those Hobbits and Borosmear and his brother Unfairasmear!!!!!  GO DWARVFES!!!!!!!!!!!! And Richard Armitage as main dwarf Thorin is almos as rugged & handsome as Viggo is!!!!!!  IT’S KINDA SORTA REALLY ALMOST TRUE!!!  We’d do em both with yours AND ours (we’d also do Aidan Turner, who’s like a dwarfier Ian Somerhalder)!!  + Martin Freeman is a beyond perfect Bilbo.  He pretty much acts the same as he did as Tim on the original gangster Office, always has, always will, and guess what, that’s juss fine cause Martin Freeman IS THE FCUKING MAN!!!!!!!!!  Oh, did we mention that Ian McKellen is reprising his role as Gandalf?  Dude, we’d all camp out to watch a trilogy of McKellen as Gandalf taking a dump.  Don’t say you wouldn’t cause you would, you sick wizard pooping watching loving fcuker!!!

But isn’t this movie ass long?  People who worry about long ass runtimes should not go see movies.  You should stick yer iPad up yer a$$ and set the alarm to go off in 3 minutes or whatever your attention span is.  Honestly, we knew it was gonna be looong, but we wish it were longer!!!!  If you can sit thru 38938883283 hours of Lame of Thrones then you can sit thru almost 3 hours of The Hobbit, cause The Hobbit is 8w82181098213482ehjdb2rgh48dcb4bnnj44838f838f848484848`4h`4ufhnn3e248248248n2dn times better than Lame of Thrizz

And why did they turn this into 3 movies when I’m sure 2 would have been fine?  Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to anticipate shitty movies for the next 3 winters or do you want 3 FCUKING HOBBIT MOVIES FOR THE NEXT THREE WINTERS!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????

Now what’s this stuff about 48 frames per second junk?  It’s like a normal movie but twice as much stuff in the same amount of seconds!  What does that mean, MORE STUFF!!!!  Well, what did it look like?  It makes everything look really clear (although any bits with motion looked like it was being fast-forwarded on your DVR.  it was strange, but maybe things are suppose to be fast and strange in the future of cinema).  Oh, so it doesn’t look like a normal movie?  Not one you’ve seen before, and since yer eyes and brain aren’t used to it, you might not like it at first, but over 169 minutes you ease into it (like you do with loving dwarfs!!) and the clarity becomes a welcome thing, considering there are so many other 3D and CGI heavy films that are so unclear looking.  Ever see Transformers?  Sh!t looks so blurry and muddled that our eyes and brain have quit on ever seeing any Transformers movie ever again. + you don’t wanna trust Peter Jackson?  OK, maybe you don’t after he post-LOTRed us with the who cares King Kong and the what was that unlovely Lovely Bones, BUT, when it comes to JRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien, in Jackson we trust AND thrust.  Spank the lord Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct this cause it woulda been filled with Spanish nymphs with dumb sh!t like hands with eyes and stuff

did we mention that Bret McKenzie is in it????????? he was in LOTR 1 & 3, but gets more to do here, and wait, Bret’s dad was in one of them too??????  oh, and this is still the best

Verdictgo: Peter Jackson + Tolkien =  Breast In Show

Hobbit‘s journey begins with one giant movie at a theater near jews this friday. if you wanna try out the 48fps stuff, here’s a list of US theaters fpsing out

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

oh, and, never 5get –

PSSUY FACE!!!!!!!!

Engrish Two Towers Subtitles


Motion Capture The Flag

The Adventures of Tintin
Let The Adventures Begin & NEVER End!!!
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
PG | 107 min

We never read a single word of Hergé‘s classic tales of Tintin, the world’s most famous fictional young Belgian reporter EVER (go ahead, NAME ANOTHER!), but we’ve always been captivated by the artwork. As a kid, we’d go to the public library and stare at the Tintin covers, but never bothered with what was inside (remember, we’re illiterate). Well, them images have been brought to cinematic life, AND BOY HAVE THEY BEEN BROUGHT TO CINEMATIC LIFE!!!!  Without question and further debate – the most fun we had (and probably you’ll have) in theaters in 2011 was eyeballing Steven Spielberg‘s beyond magical motion capture 3-D extravaganza The Adventures of Tintin!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you need more glowing endorsements? Of course you do, you haters of ginger-haired Belgians! Tintin is Spielberg’s bestest adventure movie since Indy’s Last Crusade.  IT’S TRUE!!!!  Hell, some of Tintin‘s action sequences HACTUALLY top ANYTHING he’s ever done (DID WE JUST WRITE THAT, we did!)!!! Even the digital animation visual stuff here rivals any of that crazy visual shaz seen in his modern futuristic fare, like A.I. and Minority Report!!!!!!

Now, we really should wait a few years before making such statements like this, but we’re almost ready to safely name Tintin as one of Señor Spielbergo’s top ten works, EVER!!!!  Same cannot be said of the other movie being released this week with SS’s name on it, about a boy & his horse, but that’s not for now, cause now it’s all about a boy and his dog and Belgium waffle-awesomeness!!!

So, it cannot possibly be bottom to top mad rad, cannnit?  Well, the plot aint eggzactly all that fancy (it’s the combo of three books – The Crab with the Golden ClawsThe Secret of the Unicorn, and Red Rackham’s Treasure), but an adventure doesn’t need to be all that schmancy when it is so dang adventurous!!!!  Sure, the ending doesn’t even come close to matching some of them sequences that preceded it, but then again, not much in movies in 2011 can match those sequences either + the ending is really juss the beginning of what we hope is like 1444 dozen more of these movies.  IT’S TRUE!!!!

Tintin is like one of those National Treasure movies minus Nic Cage & stupidity, and replaces it with the epic epicicity skills of Spielberg & (producer) Peter Diddy Jackson + the wonderful voices of Jamie BellAndy SerkisDaniel CraigSimon PeggNick Frost, et al + animation so bla-zam-a-zamm-a-slammin-za-mazing, that you’ll almos forget yer watching a cartoon, even though it is a cartoon, sorta!  And you know we hate cartoons, but this aint like any cartoon cartooned before!!  EAT IT PIXAR!!!

moral of the story: catch THIS if you can!!  9reals.  It’s a PG movie that kicks MAJOR a$$.  We mean, it’s got a kid in it who packs heat and hangs out with an always drunk sea captain!!!  If you can only see one movie this holiday season (that doesn’t have dragon tattoos in it), then this HAS to be the one.  We enjoyed this one singular tale more than we did all 7 of the Harry Potter flicks combined!!!  IT’S SO TRUE!!!!  EAT IT HOGWURST!!!!

He Hate She: there’s 2 female characters in the Tintin film, and that’s about as many as there were in the entire Tintin comic world! Hergé usually abstained from including women in on the fun.  He said ‘For me, women have nothing to do in a world like Tintin’s, which is the realm of male friendship. [They would cause] misadventures rather than adventures. Mocking women would not be nice’.  C’mon, doesn’t Tintin wanna celebrate some of his conquests by conquesting some biznatches???

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yer inin like Tintin at a theater near jews December 21st

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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